BM says she going to violate CO

[Crockpot]

Last night BM told my DH that she plans on taking the kids to Disney World during Spring break 2009.  And she didn't care that he was supposed to have them for ½ of that break.  Now, were 99.9% sure she won't take them (for various reasons).  But DH is upset because it's our year to have Easter with them, and if she follows through they'll be in FL.  She said she didn't care about the CO - she's taking them.  

My first thought is compromise.  I suggested to DH to offer her the entire Spring break in exchange for X-mas eve and the entire X-mas day.  It's our year to have them until 10am on X-mas day.  It would mean a lot to have them the entire day.  

So, if she agrees to this idea how can we make it more official?  DH and BM just (like last week) changed their parenting time with the courts.  Is there something we can do besides that would be enforceable?  I was thinking writing something up stating the change with both parents signatures.  But not submitting to court.  Do the courts get annoyed if we have two (stipulated) changes in the same year?

And if she doesn't agree, does DH have to wait until after she disregards the CO before doing anything.  Would her buying the plane tickets show intent?  

[Kitty C.]

DON'T COMPROMISE!!!!!!!!!!!!  At least not yet.  Better to see if you can get her refusal in writing.  Maybe not necessarily a statement from her saying it directly, but maybe something from her documenting the trip.  (subterfuge, I know), like itinerary, ticket receipts, etc.  Absolutely buying tickets would show intent, especially if the tickets cover the entire spring break.

After what you guys have gone thru, you're going to end up kissing your backsides very soon, if you keep bending over backwards every time she gets a wild hair.  The problem with the compromise you're offering is, with the BM's history, she could very likely back out of that, too. That's the risk you run into with compromising.  And with her history, I wouldn't do any more, at all.  

[Crockpot]

I was looking at it that our extra time at X-mas is before Spring break.  So we get our extra time before she does.  So if she backs out of her end (assuming she agrees) then she's screwing herself.  

The thing is she can't buy the plane tickets until next year.  She's using her 2008 tax return.  

Sadly, DH usually records their conversations but didn't that time.  She came right out and said she didn't care what the CO said.  

The worst is, she's going to get the kids hopes up and I just know it this trip is never going to happen...

[Kitty C.]

I thought you were talking about this year.  But my previous post still holds:  She may tell you before X-mas that she isn't taking them, then after X-mas she waves the tickets in your faces...probably having been purchased a few months before.  Because it sounds like she will lie about anything to get her way.

But you might also be right about it falling though completely.  The problem is........there's absolutely nothing you can do about that.  All you can do is be there for the kids when they voice their 'extreme' disappointment.  But also think about this:  this could be one of those 'opportunities' for the BM to ditch her credibility with her own children.  If she pumps up this trip to them (and you have to know she will), telling them they aren't going will stay with them for a VERY long time.  Just be wary that she doesn't blame it on you.....if she tries, be prepared and have straight-forward answers for the kids.  In essence, throw the responsibilty for it back in the BM's lap.  This may be the 'big event' that creates the crossroad for the kids and their relationship with her.  They may start not trusting her as much, not believing she will follow thru on her promises to them.  Just make sure you instill in the kids that they can believe and trust you explicitly.  It won't be hard for the kids to figure out who they can really trust.

But I still would NOT compromise on the visitation schedule, unless she really does let you have the extra time to make up for it ahead of time.

[Crockpot]

She will lie about stuff to get her way, that's for sure.  She's already starting in with DH and the blame.  Like, doesn't he want his kids to go to Disney World?  His response was sure, but not when I have a block of time with them.  She has all summer to go.  In fact they have a clause in the CO that each parent gets 3 non-consecutive weeks of parenting time in the summer.  Duh!  Use one to go on your trip!  

The kids have already seen mom go back on her word with movies, etc.  X-mas eve they were supposed to see a movie together.  She told them she doesn't have enough money.  Nice.  A 9 and 5 year old really need to know about that kind of stuff.  Maybe stop smoking for a week and you'd have the cash!  DH told BM tonight, do not let the kids down about this trip - that we've already heard disappointment from them about stuff BM didn't do.  She hasn't told the kids about the trip yet, so maybe she'll get the message.  

I know compromise is supposed to be a good thing.  But I'm tired of all her exceptions.  If she came to DH with a suggestion for a compromise, it would be a different story.  But she starts in stating she's taking them like it or not.  CO or not.  

Thanks for the support.  I really appreciate it.

[ocean]

Is she offering any extra time??

[gemini3]

It sounds like your BM is a lot like ours.  We've found that the more we compromise the more she pushes.  It seems like she sees it as some sort of victory, or a sign that my DH still cares.  So, like a two year old, she tries to get his attention.

Usually, when she pulls something like yours is doing now, and my husband offers a compromise, she doesn't accept it.  Because she doesn't really care about that - she cares about getting a rise out of him and keeping the fight going.

I wouldn't compromise either.  It will just encourage her, because she'll thin she's got his attention.  I would just tell her that, if she violates the order, you will seek legal remedy.  Then ignore her until she actually does something.

There's nothing you can do about her getting the kids pumped up.  That's something I struggle with all the time - I hate seeing what the kids are going through, and not being able to protect them.  The only thing we can do is comfort them after, and help them learn to deal with difficult people and situations.  

They will learn not to trust her eventually.  Ours are already.  It's just sad that any kid has to grow up feeling that they can't trust one of their parents.

[Crockpot]

No she's not offering extra time.  She just saying she's taking them like it or not.  DH was going to suggest she give him extra time at X-mas and he won't fight the trip in the spring.  But I'm leaing towards the advice here.  If we give in now she'll just keep pushing it.  She has time to take them in the summer.  But we know she's using her 2008 tax return to pay for the trip and won't be able to hang on to the money that long.  She'll spend it.