Father's Parenting Time for Infants

[boojosu]

Hello, I'm and expecting unwed father.  The mother and I are not dating any longer and after we ended our relationship, we dicovered we were pregnant.  We are trying to agree on a parenting plan.  I don't know what is appropriate for a father's parenting time for infants.  She has me convinced that at least for the 1st 3 months, there should be no overnight visits with me.  After that we disagree.  Everything I've seen for standard parenting plans don't allow for overnight parenting time until 12 months at the earliest.  They call for frequent visits up to 8 hours the first 12 months.  I really think we both have the child's best interests in mind, but there has to be some consensus somewhere on what is best for children.  If she had it her way, it would not do overnights for at least 24 months.  I strongly disagree.  I don't even like the 12 months, but if that's truely in the child's best interest and I get ample and frequent time witht he child, I would agree to that.  My problem is I have a lot of different views on this, and unfortunately leagel sources.  I've found no books or information from children's experts outlining any information.  

Basically, I'm looking to get reasonable parenting time in our plan filed with the courts, then hopefully we can deviate from that as we get to know our child.  I feel like she's wanting to have the most control over these decisions, and that scares me because she may not want to allow me sufficient parenting time because of how it will affect her.  I'd like some ability (i.e. a parenting plan) to have the control to make those decisions if she's being unreasonable.  At the same time, I have to be reasonable in my expectations.  

Please, if you have any information, or know of any source that has information for this situation, share it with me.  Mainly what I've found are books that deal with divorce and both parents have an existing relationship with the child.  We don't have that.  Thanks.

[Kitty C.]

I always look at these situations like it's still an intact family.  And in an intact family, fathers often take care of their infants for extended periods of time from the get-go.  Even if the infant is breastfeeding.  Many mothers go back to work and have to pump in order to take the infant to daycare.  Well, if she can pump for daycare, she can pump for overnight visits as well.

And if the infant isn't breastfeeding, there is absolutely NO reason why there can't be a 50/50 split in physical custody.  If an infant can spend ALL day every day at a daycare without mother present, then there's no reason why the infant can't spend that kind of time with the father.

And if new mothers have a problem with this, then I would like them to answer this for me:  if they would insist on the father doing his share of childcare duties at home in an intact family, why would they forbid it if they are apart?  Is it because they won't be there to hover and make sure he's doing it 'right' (meaning THEIR way)?

Now since OB/GYN's and most insurance companies insist that mothers take off 6 weeks for a vaginal delivery and 8 weeks for a C-section, I would think it appropriate for shared physical custody after that time period.  If the mother's leaving the child with a stranger to go back to work, why not with the father....someone she DOES know?

[boojosu]

Okay, unfortunately the daycare arguement is not applicable because she is planning to be a stay at home mom.  She has a lot in savings and her living expenses are very low.  Between the CS she will get from me and her savings, she will be able to stay home with the child for at least 2 years.  She's very insistant she feels this is best for the child.  She's not saying "I can't have overnight visits or extended visits" she's saying no one can or should for at least 2 years.  

We both come from broken homes.  I was old enough when my parents seperated to remember all the fighting and was relieved when it stopped.  She doesn't remember the fighting and remembers what a pain in the ass it was to change residence every week.  

The problem is we are both stating our points with no real knowledge of what is best for the child.  We're flying blind (I know, welcome to the club), and I just figure there has got to be some research out there that supports what one of us is saying.  Otherwise, we may never come to an agreement.  I don't want the courts to decide what my role as a father should and will be.  I'd like to decide ourselves and just file it with the courts.  I am just stuggling to find sources that will support my arguement.  

Does that make sense?

[Kitty C.]

I'm not basing my opinion on what SHE is doing, but what is the 'normal' for most parents...........there aren't too many parents out there that can afford one to stay home with the kids nowadays.  That should be your argument.  Regardless of whether she plans to stay at home is irrelevant...........if there are other infants out there going to daycare every day (you might want to do your homework in your area on this), then there's no reason why you can't have significant time with the child.  In regards to homework, call some local daycares who take infants and ask them how young they take them and how many hours a day/week on average those infants are in their facility.

I can understand if she has bad memories of when her parents were separated, but that's HER experience........it doesn't have to be her child's experience unless SHE wants it to be that way (you might want to let her know that!)  The child's experience will be soley based upon how the parents handle it.  And if the child has no other experience than going back and forth between parents...and spending a lot of time with both..then that is their 'norm'.

If you get to court and she will not back down (or the court is in her favor), demand first right of refusal.  There is no way on earth the mother can honestly say that she will NEVER be away from her child for 2 years solid.  And if she EVER has to be away from the child, it's only right that you have first opportunity to care for your child, before she hires someone, either in her family or outside.  But still push for for 50/50..and make the mother and her atty. come up with reasons why it WON'T work (there are articles on this website..and other posters as well..that can argue practically every point).  When you can counter every argument, they won't have anything left to fight about.  Just keep emphasizing how important it is for the child to establish bonds with you early in life, which is JUST as important as the bonds with the mother.

[wendl]

My son started going with is dad every other weekend since he was 5 months old ( I breastfed and stored milk for him on the weekends he had them)  2yrs is way to long for you NOT to have overnights in my opinion.

While preparing for the arrival of your child, take some parenting classes, infant cpr classes etc to be prepared.  So you can show the courts you are doing what he can to prepare.

You are going to want to file paternity and a parenting plan so when the baby arrives you have some things already done.

Unfortunatley the courts will end up deciding so you need to do everything you can to prepare if she is not willing to compromise.

You two could each right what you would like and then sit down and go from their and do a little give and take.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[gamma]

My grandson started really from day one with visitation. He did not start overnights until around 10 months. He was breastfed. Daughter was a full time student, and just could not keep up with providing pumped milk for both her day schedule, dads weekday visitation, weekend visitation and overnights. Daughter worked with her Dr on this, she went to a lactation nurse, she had a hosptial grade pump, and she even tried a med they suggested, just didn't produce enough without doing enough actual feedings.

Despite that dad had every other day visitation, and he had 3 weekends out of 4, in months of 5 weekends he had 4. Now on weekends, they had an interesting schedule. He would go to dad's for 4 hours, back to daughter's for 2, so she could do an actual breastfeeding, and then back to dad's for 3 hours. The court actually suggested this, it worked good.

Overnights started around 10 months, by then the child was on enough solids and his breastmilk intact was down. He had an adjustment period, but he had an adjustment period to the other schedule to. Their schedule has changed numerous times over 4 years, each one he has an adjustment period. He had an adjustment period when he started daycare to.

Lots of schedules you can come up with that you can get plenty of time with the child on. 2 years in my opinion, is not needed to start overnights, they can be started early. However if mom is stuck on this at this time, try and come up with some alternative schedules where your still getting constant time and plenty of it.

As suggested write what you want down, have mom write what she wants down, and sit down with that starting point. Be willing to compromise, be willing to try something and willing to change it if it is not working out for the child. If you get stuck, maybe add a 3rd party in, someone you both know that is impartial, or a mediator.

I was unable to find a book for a situation where both parents did not have an existing relationship. Been about 3 1/2 years since I looked though. I do believe there is some differences between the 2 situations. Daughter found the book "Mom's house, Dad's house" helpful. Helped her see how important co-parenting is. She read a bunch of other books, just picked through them and applied what fit her situation.