Very unique situation in Oklahoma

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I will try to keep this long story as short as possible.  
My daughter and her fiance had a baby nearly five years ago.  They never got married but he has paid child support this whole time and has been good about calling weekly to see how things are going.  He did not want to be a part of his son's life.  He married about two years ago and never told him wife about his son.  Everyone tried to get him to but he wouldn't.  He has a daughter from a previous marriage and of course she knows about her, precious little girl.  Anyway, the cat was released from the bag, via an annonymous caller who eventually came forth.  His wife says the only way their marriage will work is if his son is in their family...she is pregnant now and he never was going to tell my daughter about it.  At any my daughter asked him if his wife would not take him back if he would now be in his son's life.  She has tried over the years to get him to be in his life but the sperm donor has refused.  He told her no, he would not.  Well now his wife is giving him a second chance only if his son can be included so now he is all about visitation with his son.  In other words he wants to use his little four year old son to make or break his marriage.  In other words his son would his pawn to get back in.  Now his wife and her family, on the other hand, are very good people.  They want him in their lives with or without the sperm donor.  My daughter is torn because of the conflicting sides.  She feels if she allows this to happen then she would be setting her son up for a future heart break when and if their marriage does not work.  If it doesn't work she knows the sperm donor will back out of her son's life and there he would stand wondering what happened to daddy.

I am just wondering...is there a clear minded person out there with some input on this delimna we find ourselves facing?

Thanks...mimi

[Giggles]

I had a very simular situation happen!  After being with my X-boyfriend for 6 months, we found out I was pregnant.  I wanted to terminate, but he begged me not to, asked me to marry him and I thought our life was going to be good.  The reason I wanted to terminate is because I already had a toddler and knew I could not swing a toddler and a newborn on my own!  BUT we were getting married and everything was going to work out right?  WRONG!  When I was 6 months pregnant, he walked.  To this day I still don't know how I managed, but I thank God everyday for my beautiful baby girl!!
I filed immediately for Child Support when she was born and it took nearly 3 years to get that established.  When we finally got him in court, the judge asked him if he wanted a relationship and he stated NO.  Meanwhile, I still kept in contact with his family and they just adored my baby girl.  Right after baby girl turned 6, her Pappy (his father) died.  I knew her father was going to be at the funeral and I debated whether or not to take her.  I decided she had to go, she had to be able to tell her Pappy goodbye.
That was the turning point.  After the funeral was over, baby girl was over playing with her cousins and her father approached me.  First he told me that she was the most beautiful child he'd ever seen and that he was so stupid for doing what he did.  He apologized for all that he did and would I consider letting him start a relationship?  I told him I needed to talk to her about it and see how she feels about it.  I talked to her and she said she didn't know about the relationship, but that she did want to meet him.  They met, she also got to meet her sister (his from a previous relationship) and thankfully, they all hit it off VERY well.
Baby girl will be 9 this summer, she spends nearly every other weekend with her Dad now and she is a happier child for it!

The moral of this story is that people CAN and DO change.  It's hard to see into the future...so I can honestly say that  your daughter DOES NOT know that the sperm donor will back out.  I thought my Daughter's father would do the same, but so far, so good.  My philosphy is..."The more people there are to love a child, the better off that child is".

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Thanks so much for your story.  Man...the similarities are just so remarkable.  I will pass your story on to my daughter.  Her son goes to therapy every couple of weeks and so I am sure with the help of his therapist she will make sure all goes well.  I think once Mr. sperm donor gets to know his son and sees how much of the same interests they have, he will bond to him...I hope anyway.  If not, our little man will be okay.  He has a step dad that has been the only dad he has known and an awful lot of family who adores him...so it will be okay.

Again...thanks...

[lucky]

First stop referring to the biodad as "the sperm donor".  Your grandson will pick up on this along with your dislike of the biodad, thus making a potentially difficult situation worse.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

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I apologize.  I was trying very hard to shorten the length of the story I didn't mention the fact this topic is never ever discussed when he is anywhere around...not even in the house or anywhere near.  If he is around then it is not dicussed.  As far as our grandson knows his biodad is one of his mom's friends and he calls him by his first name.  He does not see this man unless he rides with mom to get the child support check from bio because bio doesn't like to put it in the mail.  I refer to him as 'biodad' because he isn't the dad...he has simply been a biodad/sperm donor and as I said before, that is by his choice.  And as far as not liking biodad, we have known bio for about 12 years.  We use to think alot of him until we found him to do nothing but lie and cheat and even then we made exceptions since he is biodad.  WE do not sit around and trash biodad if I led anyone who reads this to think that.  But both families are pretty upset and it is very well founded.  So with that said...since I cannot and will not use bio/sperm donor's given name on this forum this is just what I chose to refer to him as.  We do not use those terms amongst our selves.  We use his given name.