New User - Summer issues

[jakobsmom]

Let me begin with some background information.

I have sole custody of my 10year old son. He is HF autistic. The custody order for his dad and I states that the NCP should receive "a reasonable amount" of visitation rights. My son has been visiting his father out of state for about 5 years. I have been paying for the transportation for about 4 of the 5 years. The first year we spilt the cost of the one trip.

My son just retrurned from a 4week visit with his dad. The visit wasn't very good and he returned a week early. The dad's wife has made it clear she does not want my son there or does she want anything to do with him. My son states that he doesn't want to go back to visit ever again.

Here's my question: Since my visitation does not state the exact amount of time the dad gets to visit, do I have to send my son anyway? Also, the order states that the father must pay for all transportation for visit.

Please help. I really don't want my son to go back but I also want him to have a relationship with his dad.

[Giggles]

If the StepMom doesn't want him there...then why is this an issue?

I would say if Dad want's to spend time with him that he would have to purchase the tickets.  

Also, it could be that 4 weeks was too long considering son being autistic.  I've read that even HF autistic children can get overstimulated and require strict routines.  A trip of that length may have been too much for him and probably too much for a Stepmom that doesn't have the experience to handle him as well.

I would talk with Dad about perhaps shortening the length of the trips but perhaps increase the amount of them?  Instead of a 4 week trip,  perhaps 4 - 1 week trips?  This would considerably increase the travel costs, but it may be worth it in the end.  Or even consider 2 - 2 week trips??  Something to consider.

The main thing is to be able to try and work things out with Dad.  I learned a long time ago....Family court only makes the atty's money and neither party is totally satisfied with the outcome.

[jakobsmom]

Thanks so much.

Yes, it probably was too much time. He's the only child at my house but there are 3 other children (8, 4 and 1) at his dad's house.

I think the 1-2weeks at a time might work better. I hadn't thought about that.

[MixedBag]

hope you can work something out.

That's the beauty of a place like this -- other ideas that you may not have thought of that are solutions as well.

[Kitty C.]

The step-mom has NO right to dictate whether your son goes there or not.  This is an issue that should only be dealt with between you and your ex.  The SM has absolutely NO legal standing in this issue.

It's possible that this might be a bone of contention between your ex and his wife.  One other thing you should find out...is Dad there the entire time your son is there, or is he at work and the bulk of time is spent with the SM?  Might be another reason why SM has issues.....

[jakobsmom]

Dad is there for the most part. When he goes out of town for business my son will go to either the grandparents, cousins or some of my family members house that live in the state.


The NW has now sent me emails and text messages telling me the bad habits that my son has. I know he has hygeine issues but what autistic child doesn't. Not sure what to do now that she's called me names and such. I just don't want my son in that kind of environment.

[Crockpot]

Sounds like SM needs some education on how to deal with autisim.  Are there any books you can suggest (through DH) to help her understand what to expect?  

I'm a SM and it's women like your ex's wife that give us a bad name!

I would share your concerns with your ex.  Hopefully he's reasonable.  Maybe he can make suggestions that you're comfortable with.  Or maybe Dad should come to son for visits instead.  

Take care.    

[jakobsmom]

Sadly I think they both do. There's the major problem. Ex and Sm refuse to believe that son has any disability.

I'm a SM too and it curls my skin to think that some SM act this way to children.

[Giggles]

I would politely tell the SM that you would rather deal with DS's father on issues concerning your son.  Then if she calls, don't answer or request to speak with your X.

I'm about to become a StepMom and I adore my soon to be SS but I would NEVER call his mother regarding him....that is his Dad's responsibility!!