New mom to this site

[Davy]

This is not a debate forum and each of my two posts were very much correct for the child's well being based on what had been posted. As a matter of fact, I applauded the mother.  Just so you know, I have a mother and a daughter that's also a mother and I'm not an SOB except with feminists.

Maybe I can get my grandson to respond to this post...he'll know exactly the advise to give because he was once that 6 mo old.

When I see a post citing "Fathers Rights" (FR) then I realize that person
person is inferring a sexist political statement..there's no such thing as
"Father Rights" so you don't gain a leg up like a flaming feminist making such a comment.  

Ref, please find out the truth about FR organizations...you would likely be a valued member.  

About the OP, she and her child may be at risk.  I fear she thinks the feminist and the government will protect them !!!!!!!
 

[Davy]

EXACTLY !!  and this poster could be trembling inside.

[Ref]

nm

[miska78]

Thanks Ref and Kitty. Today I called Our Clerk of Courts and Judicial System office to try to find mediators (they are not much help but I am waiting for a call back)

I feel like I will start with mediation. At least then I can tell all this information to someone and they can help me process it and we can go from there. Mediation might not be the answer for us, we might have to use the courts because we are so at odds, and he won't even talk to me anymore. I think he's mad that I mean business this time!

I am documenting the best I can. In the past I just documented when something dramatic happened, but now I will try to do every day.

[Ref]

DH's state is Florida. They actually require that the parents go to mediation prior to getting a court date. It may be the same in your state.

That may be a good reason to ask BF to go to mediation first, to avoid all the costs related to filing to begin with.

Ref

[Davy]

Please reread Kitty's advice especially the first and last paragraphs.

From what you have posted I think you are confused about mediation... it may take some time to get a mediation session and it appears you need more immediate attention with your concerns.

Consider laying out all the info. in counseling and seek advice if the mediation process is appropriate.

[miska78]

Thanks again for your replies. I understand what Kitty is saying, and I'm dealing with things best I can - for example, I started doing all drop off and pick up and started taking his car seat with me so he won't have that in case he decided to drive. I really don't think he would drive with him not in his car seat. The drug I found, and the only drug I think he does is pot - which is not good but not the worst. He told me that he quit after I found it and that he wouldn't do it again, in his words, he is happy I found it because it gave him a wake up call. IMO those are the words of a chemically dependent man, and I don' t know whether to believe him or not.

My state is South Dakota. People around here haven't even heard of mediation. I found two mediators that are court approved in my town. I gave him a choice of the two of them but I haven't heard back. Mediation is not required.

So, do I tell our mediator everything I've told you here? The father would be soooo mad at me if I told about the pot, illegal driving etc. But, that is why I want to go... to lay it all out there so I'm not the one in charge anymore because its driving me crazy.

Also, one more thing I am conflicted on that might come up in mediation. The father has all winter off work. He expects to hang out with our son all day long. I don' t know if that is in our son's best interest, but don't feel comfortable openly saying that. In most visitation schedules, if the ncp doesn't work, can he tell me that he wants me to fire the daycare and he will watch him all day every day? What happens to the visitation schedule then?

Thanks again in advance for your time !!!!

[Kitty C.]

If he's off all winter, AND he doesn't drive illegal or do drugs, why couldn't he have the baby during the day?  All things being equal, it would save you BOTH a LOT of money.  Daycare is expensive as it is.  Just don't ever consider the father as a babysitter, because that's not what he'd be doing..........that's parenting time.  Obviously he wants to be a part of his son's life and if he can act responsibly while the baby is with him, then I say go for it.  

Yes, it would change any schedule that you might have in place.  And if you go to court or even mediation, expect him to bring this up, so you should consider it now while you are in the planning stages.  But to ensure the child's safety, you should ask for certain things to be in place before this is allowed.  Like if he wants to take the baby anywhere, he has to show you proof of a valid license.  He should also be willing to do random drug testing, but be aware that that may be something you either will have to pay for yourself or share the cost with dad.  It's whatever you can negotiate.

Look at it this way:  if you two were happily married and he had the winter off, he would take care of the baby during that time instead of daycare anyway, right?  You two are now 'co-parenting', so any feelings, good, bad, or indifferent, that you might have towards each other is a moot point.  You put that aside and you deal with the child exclusively between you.

Besides, his irresponsibility regarding his license and drugs, I have to commend him for wanting to play such an active part in his child's life.  It appears he understands that this is a critical time in a child's life and he wants to be a part of that.  As for whether the child can tolerate it, if he can tolerate going to daycare every day, he can tolerate seeing his daddy every day.  IMO, there's no difference.  Infants are amazingly resilient and in many ways can adapt easier to change than toddlers and pre-schoolers.  So setting this up early in his life only ensures that during those times in his life, he will be able to withstand any change a whole lot easier than other children his age.

Bottom line, if the dad's irresponsibility issues are resolved, there's absolutely no reason why you can't have a 50/50 physical custody split.  Yes, it requires a lot more communication and cooperation between you and Dad, but if you two can do that, that may be one of the best gifts you could ever give your child.

[Ref]

This is where you have to trust or not that a third party will do what is in the best interest of your child and get past any irrational issues you and your ex probably have. (We all have them so don't take offense).

There is something called Right of First Refusal. This allows either parent the right to have dibs on caring for the child if the other parent will not or can not. It really is a very fair thing.

An issue you might have is the mommy feeling that you should be able to have more control. I am not saying you are a bad person. Most women feel that way, but it isn't good and it isn't fair. You have to get yourself in the mindset that if you think your ex is a good dad, that he should have just as much right to care for your child as you do. As a matter of fact, it doesn't matter if you think he is a good dad, he is the dad, but the case is stronger because you do think highly of him. It may take some work and some soul searching, but if you think about it, you want to follow the Golden Rule with your ex. What would you think would be fair if he had custody?

Have you thought of seeing a therapist? Maybe that will be a good way to discuss the issues with pot and illegal driving. Now, with the moolah you will be spending on the mediator, you may not want another professional to pay.....

I was thinking about the driving and the pot thing. Do you have proof? If not, it may become a he-said-she-said thing. It isn't court so you don't really need proof, but it would be better if you had some.

Think about whether or not you feel that your child is in danger by the illegal driving and pot.  If you think it isn't safe, then consider bringing it up. If you think he is not in danger (Like he is a safe driver and doesn't smoke while with your child) then consider saving that for another conversation.

I guess what I am trying to say is consider whether you think those things are relevant to his having more time with the baby.

BTW, you said he was a good father. Why do you think him taking care of the child instead of daycare not in the child's best interest?

Take care,
Ref

[Davy]

I realize you fully understand Kitty's advice and also that you're conflicted.  But you also want very much for everthing to be beautiful.

I SUSPECT you are conflicted because you truely want the best for your child and the overriding reason you are conflicted is because daddy is conflicted... Dad has had 3 DUI arrests, a history of marijuana use, coming into your home and snatching the baby while breast feeding, kicking around things inside and outside your home, arguing in front of the child, calling dirty names, he'll be really mad, works 60 plus hours a week and is off all winter, etc, etc,etc,

I think you know his work environment is PROBABLY an environment that is condusive to drug and alcohol use.  Sometimes dad is a great guy and father and at other times his behavior is completely irrational.

Of course it is all driving you friggin crazy.

Mediation, like any counseling, is only valuable if BOTH partys are open and honest about all the concerns.  I doubt seriously if daddy will do that because it could lead to any probation revocation or criminal charges .  You may be hesistant to fully reveal all your concerns because you fear repercussions.  

Daddy is clearly in need of serious behavior modication that goes beyond canceling his driving privileges or sitting in divorce mediation.

Of course he's going to deny doing marijuana (a beginner drug).  They all do.  The next time he's pissed it may not be alcohol, marijuana and you or your child could be in serious trouble.

Please lay out your info. with an advisor/counselor before MEDIATION and develop a plan or stragedy for YOU and you CHILD.  (it will probably be free ...)

I think you know this and just need confirming.

I have no idea what Ref is thinking !!

Best to you.