New mom to this site

[miska78]

Hi everyone, I am trying to set a visitation schedule with dad for 6 month old. What do you think is appropriate for 6 months considering:

1) Dad hasn't had overnights yet, and I feel like one overnight a week would be ok.

2) Dad has had 3 DUI arrests, and currently does not have a license so I have to do all driving for visits.

3) For at least for the next 4 months I know he isn't drinking because he gets 2 breathalyzer tests a day. He also has a history of marijuana use, and I have no idea whether he uses or not.

4) He wants as much visits as possible. So do I!

5) Dad works from 7 am until 7 pm Mon - Friday and also Saturday mornings. I work full time, but get off work at 5 pm.

It's been really frustrating to set a schedule. I have full custody, and so I do get to set a schedule. If he doesn't like it, we can either work together or he can take me to court. I would rather do it ourselves of course. My goals are to provide a solid schedule for our son so he knows what to expect, and feels secure, but I also need to make dad happy otherwise he will make my life hell.

He has seen my son about ever day since he was born 6 months ago. Either at my house or I will drop him off at his. I feel like it is really time to set a schedule because we argue a lot and that is not good for our son. Also, it is time for us to move on in our lives since we are not going to be a couple.

Thanks so much, sorry this is so long.

[Davy]

Ah !   From what you have posted I think you are a dear one and  should forget about setting a visitation schedule, stop arguing for God sake and get remarried.

Whatever !  Thanks for the many ways you support his sobriety.  You and your son may be at the heart of his complete recovery ... your son will no doubt be the benefactor in both the short and long run.

I think mommy and daddy can best make decisions ... kiss and make-up.. mommy and daddy work 100  plus hours a week and mommy's doing the transportation so distance would be a key factor in any schedule.  
 
An encouragement may be to find a place to worship together.

I really hope the best for ya'll...Your son is blessed.  Let us know !!

[miska78]

Ummm thanks for your reply but we were never married and have no desire to be married. That would not be in our son's best interest. I simply want to set a fair visitation schedule. He lives maybe 10 minutes away from me.

[Ref]

Is to see what a standard visitation schedule is in your area. Go to the court house and ask if they have one or even do a google search for your area and visitation schedule.  This way you can be as objective as possible and not look like you are trying to pull anything over on him.

If they don't have something for a baby, keep in mind the standard anyway and modify it for your situtation. That way when the child is older you can still your the standard.

There are some good parenting plans on this site that could give you some good ideas that you can build in. Like I said before, try to keep it as close to what your county's standard as much as possible.

I prefer a detailed parenting plan. One with pick-up times and places, hours the phone will be availbale for calls between parents and children and who pays for transportation. My DH's ex was very hostile and the more that was spelled out the better.

I'm not sure what was going on with Davy. It was a little ummmm unusual of a reply. I do seem to agree with his view that you appear to be very caring and trying to to the best for your child.

Best wishes,
Ref

[miska78]

Thanks so much for your response :) I really appreciate it. I have studied several parenting plans, including my states visitation guidelines, which are really a mess. They are all across the board, leaving many details to be worked out. This is the schedule I set, and he is upset about it and gives me a hard time about it daily. Alternating evenings each week - M, W, F one week and T, Th the next and a 6 hour weekend visit.

I really don't feel ready to let him go overnight yet. He does not sleep through the night and I'm still breastfeeding, although I started weaning. I will not/do not / can not pump by the way. (It is ridiculous to me that men expect women to pump - it is cruel and unusual in my opinion and as hard as I tried I never did get very much milk pumping.)

[Ref]

Just curious. Do you think he is really unhappy with the schedule you are proposing or just being difficult? If he is genuinely unhappy, I am sure you can get a compomise going. If he is just being difficult, things get a little stickier.

One of the things you might consider is seeing if he would go with you to a family mediator and get a third party's opinion. It will cost some money, but if you get this hammered out now, it could avoid having to go the legal route later.

Ref

[Davy]

It was EXCITING to see a female post that was actually attempting to collaborate with the other parent concerning the well-being of their child.

In the OP she was OK with one overnight a week, etc.

NOW, after getting input from other females, researching government parenting plans, etc she's running off at the mouth with male bashing remarks and looking for ways to disenfranchise daddy...creating turmoil and then thriving on the turmoil while using A CHILD as a power base.

There's nothing going on with Davy but there is something seriously wrong and sick with ya'll and the childs pays dearly for it.

Get over your dysfuntional mommy dearest selves.

[miska78]

I personally think he is being difficult, and the reason I believe that is because of his attitude when we talk or hash things out. He is very disrespectful and has no problem arguing in front of our son, which I will not tolerate. He accuses me daily of trying to keep our son from him, and that is clearly not true as he has honestly seen him every day since he was born, except for the last week and a half when I tried to get him to follow a schedule - so there was about 3 days when he didn't see him last week.

I have dealt with a lot of issues in the last month - safety issues like tobacco smoke in the home, I've done a lot of the transportation but the dad has also driven him illegally places and I've been powerless to stop it. (I would never call the cops on him, I'm trying to keep some goodwill) He has broken into my home and actually taken my son from me while breastfeeding. He has kicked things in my house and outside my house, thrown tantrums several times and called me really dirty names. He brought illegal drugs into my home. So, through it all I've been trying to deal with this and be as fair as I can be because I do believe he is a good dad despite all evidence pointing to the contrary! A lot of people think I'm letting him walk all over me. I'm conflicted to say the least!

He wants a schedule that splits the time 50% including overnights. I want the schedule we're currently on. Or that I'm trying to implement.

I think mediation is a good idea, but I'm not sure how that works in our state. I assume we both together hire a lawyer and meet with them?

[Ref]

Don't be too concerned about some of the posters here. There are some here that like to "debate" a little too much.

You don't need to get a lawyer as a mediator, but many of them are lawyers. I think the poster Mixed Bag is a mediator - maybe she will chime in.

Just look in the yellowpages or search online for mediators and discuss the situation with them. They probaby would do a free consultation.

As far as what your child is exposed to, I think you are too gentle on your ex. Normally I error on the side of the Father's Rights, but in this case, it seems your child could be at risk of danger.

Do me a favor. If you think your child is still ok and you don't feel you need to intervene, keep very detailed records of what is going on. That way if BF does end-up doing things that you are uncomfortable with, you can show a history in court.  The records should include a notebook journal - document when he has driven with your child and things like that. You should have witnesses with you during pick-ups and drop-offs so that if that does happen you can have the witness sign the statement. Also try to keep everything as much as possible in writing and filed away.

Take care,
Ref

[Kitty C.]

I applaud you for being pro-active in keeping the father in his child's life, but some of the issues you've brought up have severe safety implications and CAN involve you as well.

Let me give you a hypothetical situation:  you transfer your son to him, and at some point he decides to go somewhere with the baby.  First of all, does he have an approved child safety seat in the vehicle and is it being used properly?  Now, you've also said you know he uses AND has brought drugs into your home.  Then he gets stopped by the cops and numerous things could happen.  One, they WILL cite him for no license and/or, depending on why he has no license, cite him for whatever probation he is violating that prompted the seizure of his license.  If he uses, and he has any previous drug charges, they may have probable cause to search his vehicle.  If they find anything, there's another charge.  If he doesn't have the child properly restrained, there's another charge.

Then they will come to you and ask you if you knew that any of this was going on (no license, drug use, improperly restrained child).  They most certainly will cite him for neglect or even child endangerment.  And if you say that you knew about these issues, they could cite you for neglect as well, because you KNEW but allowed him to take the child anyway.  It's also possible that the state could take your child into custody and put him in foster care while you and Dad go thru the criminal court system.

I'm not trying to freak you out, but I AM trying to open your eyes wide and make damn sure you protect that child.  You say you believe he's a good father, but if that were the case, he wouldn't be threatening the safety of his child like he is.