crying on the indside....need help

[outsidelookingin]

Okay.....short background on things here.  DH kids used to come over on a regular basis. They would lie, backstab, steal, etc and yet I kept trying to turn the other cheek. Finally, it got so bad, that I would fix supper and then disapper into my bedroom just in order to keep from exploding at his kids.  It didn't matter that the kids would treat me like I was invisible, non extistent, that they didn't have to listen to me, etc.
Yes.. I do have two kids of my own that live with dh and myself. My two have also tried to pull the same crap on mom but have had to deal with the puinshment for doing so. Not dh's kids.

Last go around in court saw dh geting his visitation cut down because of a bunch of lies an allegations on the kids and bm behalf. DH is not allowed to explain nor defend against them. I am also included in the lies and allegations.   So basically,you know how got blamed for everything!!!! Yep....me.     THe judge wants us to blend the two families but yet he threw everything we had worked on for 2 years out of the window.

Okay.....here is why I am upset.  I know the skids and bm blame all of this crap on dh and me.According to the skids I am nothing but  @*&@
and so on.  It is all my fault that they don't get to do this or that with their dad.(How does anyone do anything when the kdis aren't around?)

Anyhow..... that has me upset enough. Then last night out of the blue...dh tells me that "maybe the kids are right....it is your fault!"
I just wanted to cry and run and crawl into a hole. He keeps telling me me loves me and doesn't want us to split up over all of this BS from his kids and ex.  I don't know what to do. I am crushed and angry right now.
I could have taken just about anything else except that.  

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I know I am not prefect but neither are his kids. Why all of a sudden am I getting all the blame?
any ideas?

[kiddosmom]

I have a great idea for you,, leave.
If he is now blaming you it will only get worse.
when you leave and he is left alone with the little chits mabe he will understand what the real problem is. but with you there you are convinient excuse.
When DH gets his head out of his a$$ he should figure it out and come crawling back to you.

[nosonew]

I don't know how old these kids are, but here is what I would do:

1. No more cooking.  I would take MY kids out to eat and leave dh and skids to fend for themselves. (Don't announce what you are doing, just do it).  If they ask where you are going, say "out", when you get back and they ask where you were, say "out".
2.  I would NOT do their laundry or pick up after them.
3.  If they request a ride somewhere, explain "Apparently I am not a part of your family, therefore I will not longer participate in any of your activities"

This may sound pretty rude and mean to some of you, but if these kids are old enough to say and do these things to her, they are old enough to take this.  Don't say anything negative to them, the less you say the better.

They will begin to appreciate all you do for them when it isn't done.  As far as for what DH said, I'd sleep on the couch for about a month or two. And don't cook for him or do his laundry either.  And explain to him that these are HIS kids, and he is 100% responsible for EVERYTHING for them, you are OUT of it.  And then keep to your word.  And don't start being "mom" again until everyone appologizes and treats you with some respect!  JMHO

[Indigo Mom]

Pack up a boogie bag and head to the hills!  I can't believe your husband said it's your fault!  They're HIS children, this is HIS custody case...and it's your fault?  Oh man...I'd have a hayday with this guy.  (panty hose come to mind)

You get no respect.  None from his kids, none from the bm, none from your husband.  Hub is quite the little bafoon, now isn't he?  He MUST make his children treat you as a human being!  If he doesn't, then he's a total craphead in my book.  

Do you really want to live like this?  Ya get what you settle for...and you don't need to settle for this shit.

[outsidelookingin]

  Last night, I finally confronted dh about his comment. Granted, I did it in a not so brave fashion......wrote him a note asking WHY he said what he said....but it did accomplish my mission.

We sat down and had a long talk.  He said he thought he had said, "It's all of our faults."  I told him that was not what I heard. I heard him say "It's your fault." I told him how painful and hurtful that was. That I didn't understand where his comment had come from,etc. I could have understood him saying that a month ago right after court, but not now.


I told him I was confused about things. He tells me that and then acted like nothing happened, and yet tells me he loves me. What did he expect from me?


Anyhow.......we are now communicating better again for awhile. The PBFH continues to try to control our lives just like she does her own kids.
We are trying to go on with our life and to rebuild the damage that has been done by her and the court. Neither one of us want our marriage to fail nor to lose the other person.  It is tough and the rocky road is not going to end soon.  :-(


We are fighting what seems like a loosing battle since only the bad guys win here. DH and his attry can have all the proof to the ex's crap,etc and yet the court lets her walk away untouched and unpunished. It just doesn't make sense.

Thought I would let you know what had happened. Keep us in your prayers and thoughts. We can use all the extra help and support we can get right now.

[sweetnsad]

I have a few suggestions, but they aren't quite what you got from the others....
You knew what you were getting into, I'm sure, but yet, you weren't quite expecting it to be so bad....I know, I am doing this myself...The only difference is:  When his kids come to OUR home, they obey OUR rules, not his, not BM's, but OURS.  They either like it or lump it...I've made myself very clear and my SO backs me up 100%.  I discipline them as well as I do my own children..I'm not going to let them run me and if your DH allows his kids to run you or manipulate you, then there is a serious problem.  
It's NOT YOUR FAULT.  You didn't ask for this and your DH should understand that.  His kids need to know that you are a permanent part of their Dad's life, whether BM likes it or not.  It's not her decision to make.  By the way, how old are the kids?
I don't mean to sound harsh, I just don't approve of you getting s**t on by his kids and by him.  He made the choice to be with you and he should back you up.
Do NOT allow PBFH to come between your marriage.  That's what she wants, and if she knows you are fighting because of her kids and such, it will make her VERY happy!  That's what she wants!  Don't give in...Be happy and try to put distance between her and your relationship.  It's all a control thing to her, whatever she can do to manipulate the situation to her advantage, she will..Don't let her.
I hope this helps.  I just don't like to see another BM do this to one of us...

[outsidelookingin]

Yes I knew to a point what I was getting into especially since I had  step kids before. Dh's kids are 12 and 14.

Right now discipline is not an issue since the skids do not come to the house. DH can't trust his own kids not to lie and make false allegations against him let alone me!! This is especially true since one of the kids supposedly got caught shoplifting from one of the local stores. Both kids are now banned from going into that business!!!

The PBFH is a classic case of PAS to the max!!! BM has to try to control everyone and everything around her. She has tried along with making the kids try to break us up since the beginning. We are still here and together altho things are strained at times due to her crud.


The newsletter this morning brought some good ideas and started a good conversation between us. Our problem is that the skids may need a relationship with their dad, but they do NOT want a relationship with me in any way shape, or form!!!

The ysd even commented that my kids were no longer her step siblings since she and her sister don't see them any more becasue MOM SAID!! DH informed her that she was wrong. That even tho she did not see my two kids they were still a part of her family and YES they were step siblings!!!


Thanks for your comments.We are struggling with everything but still hanging in and together. We knew it would not be easy going into this relationship but I don't think either one of us knew how truly bad and rough it would get. It has been 2 years and things still show no sign of improving or settling down.Dh, my 2 kids, and myself live in a constant state of stress due to the crud of the PBFH and at times the skids. We can only hope that she will go ahead and move out of town over the upcoming holiday break.

[NancyLou]

You know, while I read your letter, I couldn't help but see the similarities in my marriage with my husband...

See, his ex also pulled the same things, using the kids to come between us...  The kids, one summer, made it their life's work to break us up.  My stepson went so far as to tell my husband lies about me to upset things...  Towards the end of the summer, my SS admitted to my husband that he was telling lies.  At the time, he was 15.  DH's response to that was, "Well, he isnt' old enough to know that it's a lie."

Huh?  If he doesn't know at 15, he'll never know, will he?

DH blamed me constantly for all the problems, as that was easy for all of them.  I was the outsider and they sure couldn't blame one of themselves.

The deeper problem I deal with, and you probably have the same thing going on, given that it's also a family court thing, is...

These men are terrified of their ex-wives.  If they don't play along, they lose what little they do have.  They CAN'T blame the ex, because if they do, then they have more problems.

The kids only get away with as much or as little as THEIR parents let them get away with.  If mom is standing there telling them that NancyLou is the devil, if Dad is standing there telling them that NancyLou is the devil, well, then, she must be the devil.

You need to disengage now.  See, my DH would say things to me much like your DH says to you.  He would pull the same crap of, "That's not what I said at all...  I said..."

I KNOW what I heard.  My DH spent a great deal of time trying to convince me that I was the crazy one.  He almost succeeded.

I'm going to try to find that essay again I saw once about disengaging... It's a good one and it really helped me to retain what little sanity I had left...

But, you have to mean it.  What it basically says is that you are responsible for you and DH.  DH is responsible for his kids.

[sweetnsad]

I sure hope your holidays are peaceful...The BM in my life makes it very difficult for my SO, but we live through it...I have a daughter from a previous marriage, a seven month old with my SO and another on the way!  Talk about stress!  But, we are happy together and we don't allow the likes of her to control our lives.  I have been depressed over it numerous times, just feeling like she was coming between us, but, I had to realize that THAT was exactly what she wants...She will use those poor children to her advantage and believe me, they are young enough to manipulate (7, 5 and 3).
I am also an ex wife, and for the life of me, I can't imagine treating my ex husband this way.  We have a harmonious relationship because I see what my SO goes through.  And it's all for the happiness of my daughter.  
I'm sorry about your step kids.  They ARE old enough to know better, but it just goes to show that when they are under the care of someone 24/7 that doesn't give a s**t about anyone else, they are easily influenced by this behaviour.  All you can do is be consistent with your love for them and they will realize in the end who is the better person.
Take care, you'll need it.

[sweetnsad]

Wow, I'm sorry for that...It must be awful to be blamed by your DH for problems you didn't ask for nor create.
My SO is VERY supportive of me and our children.  He has never blamed me for anything, not even when she became hateful about our relationship and tried to keep his kids from him.  She's a PBFH and he knows it.  He doesn't let her get away with s**t, and he certainly isn't afraid of her.  And she knows it and it pisses her off to no end!!  The fact that I'm pregnant again should really get her going...:-)
Anyway, sorry to ramble on...I wish I could help and I'm sorry that you have to be made to feel that way..It isn't fair and it isn't right.