Christmas

[tulip]

Yesterday when dh brought the kids back to their bm's they were talking about Christmas. Bm had wanted to bring them to AK for two weeks to spend it with her parents. In light of the recent events (greatly reduced visitation and preparing for court on Dec 10th to get custody changed) dh decided to exercise his right to see the kids on Christmas, so she can't have them in AK over the holiday. SD told dh she did not want to go there for her whole break anyway, and both of them do not want to miss everything we do with their family here. He has suggested she take them to AK for one week the day after Xmas. Well, anyway, yesterday she told him and the kids that the reason she wanted to go there for Xmas was that she didn't have any money to buy them presents. She said they are not going to put up any decorations at her house or anything. What a crappy thing to tell the kids. I guess it does make me feel a little better about our tight budget for Xmas this year. The kids have been so spoiled in years past, and I am always worried about disappointing them. It's always a competition, it seems like. Looks like this is going to be the second year she lets us have them Xmas eve and day because she doesn't have presents so she doesn't want to celebrate. Good news for us, because we get to spend the whole holiday with them and so do all the people we visit, but gosh, what a lot of guilt for them. Mom doesn't to be with me on Xmas because she can't give me expensive presents? Sad. Not at all like a few years ago, before she filed bankruptcy so she could charge everything in sight on credit cards. Boy she was a great mom then--she had lots and lots of presents.

[stepmom who cares]

We have the same situation.  BM told me that she wants the girls for 3 days- during their 16 day holiday break.  I find this strange since she also has 16 days off, as she is a "student assistant" And, it is her holiday!  She told me she will bring them home Christmas Eve - as she too doesn't have any money to spend on them, she has told them they will get one thing each.  I question this since she receives child support from us and they do not live with her where does her money go?   She also told me they "stress her out" after a day and she needs a vacation.  So she will most likely got to ARK to see her parents over her "vacation".  I mentioned it would be nice for the girls to see their grandparents also - and she said she would "never go on a trip with them - I need to relax!"  I guess working 8:00 - 2:00 each day (all school holidays, etc off), no kids, no house or apt to keep up (she lives with a friend) and trying to get your boyfriend to put a ring on your finger is hard work!   Okay . . . back to the subject - if parents do not have money for the holiday - they shouldn't tell children about it.  The holiday isn't just about gifts!  And it is the adults problem not the childs - that is too much stress for them!
My stress - finding care for them while school is out - knowing BM isn't working - and paying for care!  BIG SCREAM!

[tryn2begooddad]

i hear what you are saying about the Christmas holiday. This is my second as the NCP..I had to decide last year what I was going to do since financially life stinks (putting it nicely)..and I know that I can not compete with the financial resources of the exlaws..So I decided to do what I could which wasnt much and tried to impress upon my two daughters that it isnt what you receive that makes it the holiday it is the being together even if it isnt in the "normal" family mode..that being said we had a great holiday season even though at my place the presents were sparse there was a lot of love and I think that until we as a society quit focusing on the material and maybe get back to the personal Christmas will turn into a competition to have the best and brightest of everything..

[tulip]

That's a good one. Yeah, I've been trying to figure that one out myself. Right now dh is trying to work out a joint-custody agreement, since we are taking care of the kids, but she has full custody, now, so everything is under her control and she gets a lot of $ from him for cs. We're not doing this because of the $, but yes it sure would make it easier to take care of these kids if it were reduced a little bit. Yesterday, after the discussion about Xmas, she said that she is worried that if the school finds out they are living w/dh or living at both homes jointly, she would not qualify for free lunches and she can't afford the kids' school lunches. Well, we qualify for reduced lunches, so I know they could at least get that, which is $2.00 per week for each child. Now, I think if she can't afford $2.00 a week for her kids to have lunch, she should cut back on the cigs a little bit (can you say chain-smoker?) but geez--I will pay the $4.00 per week for the rest of their lives if that's all it takes to get this over with!

[tulip]

My kids have too much stuff anyway. I say we just bake a bunch of cookies together. Kids love making stuff, and when all the cookies are eaten, you can do it again!
Also, I have asked my family instead of giving the kids a bunch of toys how about using the money they would spend to pay for some of the activities the kids want to be in? That hasn't worked yet, but I'm still trying.
Anyway, I wish this woman could see that we don't want to be in a present competition with her. We are glad that we get to with the kids for the holiday, and so are they glad that they are missing out on any of the stuff we do, but they want to see their mom too. She doesn't get that they just want to do something with her. Play a game, sit around and talk about what's going on in their lives. They don't want to be here because they get more stuff, it's because there is something to do. All they really need is love and attention.

[sweetnsad]

Christmas...what a sore subject...My SO's kids live with their mother and she gets a whole lot of $$ for CS...so the kids will spend xmas with their mother!  We can't afford to have xmas for them here, but we would never tell them that...they will get one thing each, because I have two kids here at home to have xmas for!!!
If my SO had to pay CS to BM for kids that were staying with him, I would freak!!!  I guess the laws are different here in Canada...If you have your children 40% of the time or more, you don't have to pay...

[stepmom who cares]

First  - I agree - why does it have to be a competition?  I've watched my husband and his ex do that for years.  I've warned him - be careful - your kids will just expect more and more!  They are the ones who have set the high standard!
Second - my kids too have too much junk - half of which they can't seem to pick up most of the time.  When I hide it - they don't even miss it - they have so much!  
Third - this year - we are doing Secret Santa in our home. We started yesterday.  We drew names - and you are to do special favors for each other, leave notes, and just be nice!  I hope it can last a week!!!
I gave the 4 year old her Dad - as I know that he wouldn't be into as much.  Our 4 year old has picked up his shoes and put them away, and she is making sure all lights are turned off.   The older girls - have left notes, I gave one a candy bar with a note - saying I thought she was sweet.  
Fourth - it was agreed upon that they did want to give to Toys 4 Tots - or something - and that meant that they would have to give up something on their list.  So they went through it and picked one item from their list - that they gave life without and give to someone who needs it.
Fifth - I've told all grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. they are not to give toys or clothes (they girls never wear them) please give Savings Bonds or gift certificates to books stores only.  They can buy music, book or a movie.  Which can be shared in our family.  
Sixth - why do BM's think they can have their kids live with us full-time, pay for everything, have visitation when they want, be on state benefits, receive child support - and worst talk and make their kids feel like "poor mama!?  Drives me nuts - can't they show them some parenting and leadership!

[wendl]

Christmas is not what you get but the time spent with family and friends. We teach my ss's and my sons this, they each get 2 small gifts and a family gift.  We dont have much $ to spend on them.  I help the kids make gifts for the rest of the family.:-)

[leskash]

We don't even try to keep up with the exs in the present competition.  SS gets spoiled by mom and aunts and uncles and grandmas etc.

i saw an idea on the internet to stop the holidays from getting out of control.  You buy:

Something they need, something they want, something to play with and something to read.

it is hard to do though as there is so much stuff.

I don't know what type of toy to get for SS. I am looking to spend at most $10-15.  I know it is not much but...  SS will get everything from mom anyways so it is really just a present.

[tryn2begooddad]

My ex gets a very sizeable amount of my take home (roughly 47%) so money is tight fortunately I am able to work a second job whihc helps some but I in the spirit of not wanting to "keep up with the Joneses" have decided that one gift for each of my kids is enough.. We will try and spend as much time together and new years eve when I am done bartending (the second job) I will go home pack them and the babysitter up and run the babysitter home and the kids and I will go out for an early breakfast at some all night diner...not real flashy but we will be together....and maybe I need to move to Canada lol