hoping for a male perspective

[contrakat]

This is my first post, but I was hoping this site might be a little more male-heavy than many of the divorce/blended family forums that seem to be out there, because I'd really like a divorced father's perspective on the best way to communicate with my SO.

He has been divorced for about two years, and with me for over one.  He was married for three years, and there are two young children we have about a third of the time.  We are living together and his ex his a stay-at-home mother living with her fiancee.

One of my biggest issues is basically the way he treats his ex.  I am particularly sensitive to this, I think, because very early on in our relationship he cheated on me a few times with her.  While we've done a lot of work to get past that and I feel that both I'm over my anger and can trust him around her, I still get very uncomfortable and sad about having this "other woman" involved in my life.  Now, I've recognized that she is the mother of his children and have come to terms with the co-parenting that they need to do together.  And I would say that all of us have a workable relationship along those lines now.

But he has this belief that in order to be co-parents and not hurt the kids, they need to be close friends.  This is very hard for me; it is painful beyond belief when he lets her call up just to complain about whatever's going on that's hard in her life, or when he gives her extra money and time that's inconvenient for our finances or plans just because she suddenly needs time off or hasn't budgeted well.  I do want to give him credit that things have gotten better over time and there are a number of extreme examples of putting our relationship second that no longer apply; but it still feels like he jumps for a lot of what she wants or needs and applies the rationale "it's for the kids" in places where the connection to the children is non-existent.  I don't deal well with the fact that he's still basically the only support system that she uses, despite having a number of close friends and a live-in roommate and live-in fiance, because she's had no need to start using anyone else.

Anyway, I would really like to have an actual productive talk with him about this(most of our conversations on these lines tend to be really pointless and go around in a lot of circles without getting anywhere).  My basic hope is that he can realize that we BOTH need to make sacrifices and compromises in order to make this relationship work, and that since my biggest hurdle in being in his life is his ex, some of his are just going to have to come from his relationship with her.  That part of being a good parent is not neglecting his own home's stability in order to put everything into his ex's home, because his kids live an almost equal time in both.  And that since the two of them made choices that put a lot more baggage in our situation than simply "she's the ex wife, I'm the new girlfriend," some boundaries that wouldn't otherwise have to be in place might have to be if he really wants us to work out.  I don't want to be unreasonable, I don't want to have a relationship where I get to demand whatever I want and he doesn't get any compromises himself...it's just that I don't want it to be one-sided in the other direction either.

So, those of you out there that are divorced fathers and have amiable relationships with your exes, what is the most effective way to approach this?  What can I say that will not immediately be dismissed?  How much interaction with your ex DO you, in fact, really need in order to be effective parents together?  What sort of arrangements have you found acceptable in new relationships you've had after the divorce that made it easier on everyone?  How long did it take you before you really were over and done with the divorce enough that the way you dealt with your ex didn't keep changing, how long am I likely to have before he really settles into a more stable frame of mind about the whole situation?  And if you have any suggestions of exactly what to ask for and what to offer up on my part for compromises, I would really appreciate it.  Any advice, really, would come in handy

[sweetnsad]

Good luck with this hon..you're gonna need it..I know you don't want advice from anyone other than some divorced men, so I won't give it unless it's asked for...I am in your shoes as well, except the relationship is MUCH different...If you want to hear more, just ask...:-)

[Peanutsdad]

You may not like to hear this, but I had a amiable relationship with my exwife, and a rocky one with the "gf". the gf and I are no longer together,, thank god,, cuz I dont think I could have stood still one more time on bein hit.

My exwife and I have since reconciled, so perhaps that answers your questions.

[sweetnsad]

I'm glad to hear that PD, but I'm sure this woman is just cringing in her seat reading that...
I'm gonna tell you that if you want a good, trustworthy relationship with your BF, than you are going  to have to tell him to back off from the ex, just a tad...there isn't any need of all this contact, except to discuss issues about them, or concerning access.  And, the fact he cheated on YOU with HER surely makes it a very sore spot for you and he should understand and RESPECT that....
If you want to hear more, just ask...Once I get started I can't stop...LOLOL...

[contrakat]

I certainly wouldn't mind hearing from a woman who's been in a similar situation to mine but is a little farther down the path to resolving things...or people who've had friends in similar situations and know how they dealt with it...pretty much any kind of experienced advice I can get, I won't close the door on!  I think that we have made a lot of steps getting through everything, I think the progress we have made just really makes me want to get that little bit more.

[contrakat]

From what little information you've given, I'm pretty sure our situations are not particularly similar.  The ex wife in the situation I'm in has done a number of things that have caused her ex (my SO) to feel very little respect for her and be ill-at-ease being around her, which he tries to avoid, and time itself has done a lot of moving them away from the emotional attachments of the marriage, so I really can't see them getting back together at this point even if her fiancee and I weren't in the picture.  Early in our relationship when the cheating actually happened, I(unsurprisingly) broke up with him, and I'd say it was a toss-up for a while whether we were going to work things out or they were, but those days are long past.

We also don't have a particularly "rough" relationship at this point...I think if we still did after over a year of working things out, I would have pulled the plug a while ago.  We just have occasional rough spots where the few issues we have seem to be in everyone's face...and I think this is particularly one of those because of the holidays and people's expectations of them.

And believe me, if I was a hitter, I would expect to have been kicked out the door long ago!

[avalon]

not a male, but I have a great relationship with my daughter's Dad and his wife. no jealousy, no animosity...we have our moments of disagreemen, all of us, but we work them out.

But of course, I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH MY EX AFTER HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER!

When your BF had sex with his ex while he  was with still with you that big red flag should've been up waving right in your face!

Now on the flip side, my new husband has a wacky relationship with his ex, the mother of his son. I think there are plenty of unresolved feelings (love and hatred at the same time). That should've been my red flag.

RF

[Peanutsdad]

I know,, the situations are WAY different. The big flag there are unresolved feelings is that he slept with his ex AFTER hookin up with you.

You both should probably sit down and discuss him disengaging from his ex. He can work quite well with her about kids WITHOUT being in a close "friendship" with her. Its entirely possible to effectively coparent  peacefully with no firendship so to speak. He owes his own home and relationship more consideration than he does his ex.

After whats occured, anything less should be viewed with some degree of suspicion. JMHO.

[TX]

The best advice you'll ever get is to read "Disengaging" posted by Nancylou. If you can't find it, I have a copy of it and I'll repost it! It took me years of blood, sweat and tears to finally realize the best thing I possible could of have done was "disengage". It's all what you want out of a relationship. Don't kid yourself into believing "love" will withstand all, because it doesn't, especially when your dealing with a man that allows an outside force (the ex) to control him!

If I only knew back then, what I know now!

[tryn2begooddad]

Well here is my two cents worth as a divorced dad. My ex and I are close friends and we try to make our friendship work for the kids. When we do tend to disagree we try to make sure the kids are nowhere around. One of the biggest issues we have had is when I started dating my gf who is, or rather was, one of the ex's closest friends. The created stress not only between gf and I, ex and I, but also gf and ex. Ex and I sat down and decided that publicly aorund the kids we would make sure that we were always civil towards the others new SO (not necessarily friendly but civil). This has helped us resolve quite a few issues.  I think that him going back and sleeping with her while with you is extremely disrespectful to you.  But that is an entriely different issue. My ex and I talk a few times a week about stuff for the kids and we try to have dinner once a week just the four of us (at some point that will stop but for now it works). But other than that we try to do school functions and what not together so that the kids know we are both there even if we arent still living in the same house.  You can be amicable, friendly, and involved without jeopardizing your current relationship but it takes work and balancing things.