same old crap.....different day

[mommy of three]

Hello again to all.  I haven't been able to post for awhile and have to vent!!  Here is the situation again.  
My fiance was in a custody battle this past year for his now 8 year old son.  Some of the issues were that BM was leaving son home alone, son was missing ALOT of school, BM was not making sure homework was done everyday, was denying visitation, denying phone calls, never spending time with son.....and so on.  
After thousands of dollars spent on attorney fees, my finace was urged by his attorney to agree on joint custody because the attorney felt he didn't have a strong enough case.  My fiance agreed because he was given the impression that he would never gain full custody. This new custody arrangement gives my fiance 3 weekends a month with son, majority of Christamas vacation, all of spring break, and the entire school summer vacation.  BM insisted that she be the residential custodial parent for school placement purposes.  He was promised by BM that she had child care arranged for their son and would be more involved with his school work.  Instead of spending time with her son and addressing his behavioral problems at school, she medicated him instead.  Now their son has been on Ritalin and Focalin for almost two months and has shown no improvement in school work, or his behavior towards his teachers.  His son has never been much of a discipline problem while he is with us but BM seems to have nothing but problems with him.  
While we had son over this past weekend, he told us that nothing has really changed at home.  He is still home alone most of the time when he gets off the bus, and that if his step dad has to leave for work and his mom is not home, he is left home alone then too.  He also told us that his mom rarely helps him with his homework and doesn't even get up with him in the morning before school.  He said if he asks her to help with homework that she tells  him that it is his job to get his homework done.  His son even told us that his mom told him to never tell his dad that he is home alone or he will be in trouble.  She tells him that he is not to talk about what goes on there with his dad because it is none of his business.  We are so fed up with BM's lies.
We have tried to reason with BM but it does no good.  My fiance has even tried to report the home alone situation to children services only for them to tell him that unless the child is setting fires or making prank phone calls, there is nothing they will do about it.  When the attorney was told about this, he said we didn't have enough proof to press the issue.  
This past weekend was a difficult one with their son.  He is very angry with his mom right now and we aren't sure how to make him feel better or even how to explain to him why his mom doesn't want to spend time with him.  He said that all he wants is his mommy to love him.  He was in tears explaining how he asks her to ride bikes with him, or play ball, or even watch a movie with him and she just blows him off.  He told us that if his mom wants to be left alone and he is being loud, she tells him that he needs to take his medicine.  He now thinks that he HAS to take his medicine so he can be good.  He said that his mom told him that the medicine will make him listen and not act up.  
What are we supposed to do next?  Should we try to gather more evidence and pursue custody again?  My fiance is discouraged and feels there is nothing he can do and that he just has to deal with it.  He thinks that he is in a no win situation.  Any advice or comments?  I just don't know how to help him with this and any advice will be welcomed.  Thank you for listening again.

[Kitty C.]

If you have a specific time that you KNOW he would be alone, call your local sheriff's office and ask to have a welfare check done on your SS.  If they find anything out of place or feel that his life might be in danger, they will remove him from the residence.  Keep doing it, too.  Rack up the reports on his being alone.

Is there anything in the new agreement/order that pertains to HER responsibility of having daycare or a sitter anytime no one is home?  if so, then take the reports and file contempt.   If there is nothing in the order to bakc it up, then file for modification, stating that the ideals set in place and agreed upon in the last order have not been met and actually have been flaunted, and request for a reversal of custody.

[sweetnsad]

I read your post and feel so bad for your SS...and for you and your husband...

Is there any way of obtaining copies of your ss's medical records?  I mean, is it possible he doesn't need the medication at all??
BM in our situation tried to make it look as though the oldest boy, now 7, needed Ritalin for ADD, but it couldn't be proved.  
Medicating a child is the cruelest way of trying to control them...I mean, for God sakes, they are children!!  Let them be!!  Don't get me wrong, I know that there are some children that need it, but a good percentage don't.

I would do as Kitty says...send authorities to the BM's home on days that you know he is alone...it will all be documented and just what you need to use against her in court...I mean, he's only 8...he shouldn't be left alone.  And yes, I would document, document, document!!  It can't hurt to try for custody again, especially if you keep proof her goings-on.

The child, ultimately, is the one hurting.  All he wants is love and he obviously isn't getting it with her...how sad is that??  It reminds me of my SS...he LOVES his Dad with all his heart and would live with him in a heartbeat if he was allowed.  The damned money is what keeps her from letting that happen.

Good luck and I hope that things get better.  I feel for you and your family.  Try not to let it get you down and know that you are doing what's best for your SS.

[mommy of three]

Thank you for your response.  You asked if there was a chance that he didn't need the medication and in our honest opinion the answer is YES.  The school had already tested their son for learning disabilities and for ADHD and found no evidence of either one.  The BM didn't agree with the results so she got her doctor to test their son again.  The test mostly was BM answering questions about son's behavior.  We think that she put him on the medicine to "get her off the hook".  She was being blamed by us and the school for his lack of attendance and him not doing as well as he could in school.  He was already held back a grade and the way things are looking now, he will be held back in first grade again.  BM thinks that she doesn't have to pay any attention to him for him to do well in school.  She is in school now and has been for years.  She keeps changing her major and sucking off the system for as long as she can.  Now it looks like she will be in school for another 3 years at least.  So it seems to us that her education is far more important to her than her son's is.  We hate that he has to suffer because of it.  
In our opinion, the only reason she wants custody is for the child support.  She is always complaining about money and has to have the best of everything.  She didn't even buy their son school clothes this year because she said she didn't have enough money( even though we had him for the entire summer and she still recieved child support).   This behavior of hers has been going on for years.
The only times that we think we know he is left alone, for sure anyway, is after he gets off the bus after school.  We just don't know how often it happens because their son is not good with time.  He just said that it happens alot.  He seemed so afraid to even tell us that much.  (the last time he told us he was left home alone, his mother spanked him and grounded him for telling)  
I am not trying to take this child AWAY from his mother,  we just want what is best for him and she just doesn't seem to act in his best interests.  On the one weekend a month that she does have him, she sends him to her parent's house for the weekend.  What kind of message does she think that is sending to her son?  We just want him to be happy, safe, and feel loved.  He obviously doesn't get that with her.  
Thanks again for listening, it really helps.

[sweetnsad]

When I read your post, I feel as though you are talking about the BM in our lives...she also goes to school and has to have the best of EVERYTHING...she dresses like a model, but sends the kids to us in rags, especially the little three year old...her education in more important than her children's...the oldest, now 7, has alot of trouble in reading and math.  She has him in an all French school and they are totally English-speaking.  Her reasons for doing this to him are too outrageous to mention.

If you and your husband believe that your ss doesn't need medication, then by all means, pursue it to the end...it sounds as though she uses the medication to control him and it is such a shame...the poor child..he's so young after all, and probably feels he has to please her in order for her to love him.

The message she is obviously sending him is that what she is doing is right and that you and his Dad are wrong..."I'm your mother, I know what's best", blah, blah, blah...But, rest assured, you are doing the right thing by being as concerned as you are and you and your husband should do whatever you have to, to save this little boy.  I know you aren't trying to take him away from his mother, but she isn't a good mother to him.

My prayers are with you.

[kiddosmom]

I have read your post and i am sorry you are going through this,I am mostly sorry for your ss.
The one thing I have not heard advise about is your lawyer, to me it sounds like he/she is not doing their job. The lawyer works for YOU and is supose to make a case for you, not tell you that you have no case and pay me! My advise is to get a different lawyer that will actually do their work!

We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.