College and kids (long, sorry!)

[MKx2]

Okay my friends, I need some help with this.  DH and I are on the verge of a major disagreement with all the hurt feelings that go along with it.  I have chosen to back off of it and let him make any and all decisions concerning this issue.  Here's the scoop ...

DH has 3 children - boy 20 and in college, girl 18 working and living with boyfriend, girl 16 living with BM.

Boy is a sophmore at a fairly expensive, small college in SW VA.  He is studying to be an art/history teacher.  He went to a community college his freshman year and decided to transfer this past year as the community college did not offer enough transferrable classes to allow him to graduate in 4 years plus his student teaching time.  He has worked REALLY hard in school (3.9 GPA) and has applied for just about every grant and scholarship he can and has received them.  There is still a shortfall of about $5k per year and it could be more in each of the next two years.  We have been sending him money every month to help out.  His goal is to graduate with NO student loans payable.  (He has also worked part-time and saved money toward his education - but there is still a shortfall).  He was unable to work the Fall semester, but will in all likelihood be working at the college (about $600 for the entire semester) this next term.

DH paid for half of his first car (maternal grandparents paid other half) and paid for all his second car.  He has also paid for all of 18 yo dtr's car.  (16 yo doesn't have a driver's license yet, so no car there -yet.)

DH is about to receive a lump sum payment on marital property that is being sold - it isn't a huge sum of money (under $10k), but still a very nice nest egg for us.

I broached the subject of boy's education costs with DH, saying that IMO ONLY, when DH receives his settlement, perhaps we should give boy $1k toward education, and then encourage him to work full-time during the summer; we will continue to send him small amounts monthly during the school year, but his shortfall should probably be funded by a student loan.  Again, I told DH this was merely a suggestion and it was totally his decision.

Please understand that DH's older dtr is planning on going back to school this coming Fall (biology major) and IF his younger dtr graduates in '05 she wants to go on in eduation in journalism or photo-journalism, AND she expects that he will buy her a car as he did for the other two.

Now we bring MY DS into the picture - he moved out at 18 and has been self-supporting since then.  We have sent him EXACTLY $180 in the past 6 years when he ran a bit short (DS didn't ask for $$ - I knew he was struggling and asked DH if we could send him some and he agreed).  DH has contributed no financial support for him in any way - when DS was at home, it was SOLELY my salary (left over after contributing most all of it to the "family") that paid for anything for him, and once DS got a job he paid for almost everything he needed, including car, gas, insurance, etc.

DH got quite distant and cold with me when I suggested the above financial idea about HIS boy.  His kids are money grubbers and use him as the local ATM ... he still (and will always I guess) "parent by guilt."  While I understand that the decision really is DH's I have two feelings - (1) a fear of being in bondage for another 8 years for cars, education, etc.; and (2) that nasty human feeling of resentment because we don't do anything for my DS.

Am I totally off base with my suggestion to DH?  Be gentle, but tell me the truth, please.  I don't want to be the evil and wicked step, but I also don't want to have to go back to work (I don't work outside the home right now as DH does not WANT me to do so) in order to maintain our lifestyle, which isn't extravagant at ALL, while he pays for his kids' stuff.  BM has only worked part-time for a few of the 14 years that they have been divorced, is now on state disability (too depressed and distraught over her parents death early last year), and has no resources to help out (she lives on the CS we pay for their younger daughter).

I'm really depressed and upset about this whole thing now ....

[bananas]

You are not off base at all, IMHO.  I think that all the kids should be treated as equally as possible.  Does your son know about the cars bought for his step-siblings and all the money you send to SS each month?  If he does, and if I were him, I would be extremely irate at the unfairness of it.  

I think you're stuck for a car for the youngest SD when she can drive, because that's only fair.  You've set a precedent.  But it isn't fair to not also buy a car for YOUR son.  Isn't he part of the "family" too?

If anyone should be cold and distant, it should be you.  I think your DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee.  There are four kids in this picture, NOT THREE.  They should all be treated more or less the same way in order to avoid resentment between them.  If there isn't resentment now, there will be later.  

Is there any way you and DH can sit down and discuss this?  Maybe you could get a part-time job for a little while if you want to, to help even things out.  I understand that he's probably been paying CS for three kids forever, and doesn't really want to spend money on YOUR son too.  But you are married, and if he doesn't want you to work, then he really, really needs to give your son a portion of what his kids are getting.

Does that make sense?

[nosonew]

MK, okay, trying to do this from my perspective as a bm, sm, wife, etc...and how we would do this in our home....

First off, it is a difficult position, as this money is actually coming from his other marriage.  Therefore, dh may actually feel like this doesn't belong to you. In my opinion, when you become a couple, everything is equal, responsibilities, money, etc.  

I would first start with the issue of how the money is managed and who makes the decisions on where it goes, regardless of where it comes from. If your dh controls all the money, and your not working, YOU may feel like it isn't your right to help with the decision making, and perhaps he feels that way too.  If this is the case, I would explain to dh that you are not comfortable with this and look for a job.  

Secondly, it is very hard to give to the kids exactly the same.  This is true with birthdays, christmas, etc.  However, the children do tend to expect this, whether they are biological or step.  

In our family, we base $ spent on extra's (cars, movie money, etc), on their responsibility level and grades, along with maturity.  This being said, our kids know IN ADVANCE that the vehicle they get depends on their grades, if they get into trouble, etc.  

However, I think you are past that point.  

I guess my biggest problem I have with how things are given out is that your son isn't getting any help to speak of, whereas his children seem to think of him as a money tree.  And he allows it.  

To be fair, if you were to get a cash flow of 8000., I personally would put 1/2 in savings for you and dh, allocate 1000/each child.  And pass it out as they need it.  I commend the kids for going for their secondary education and trying to do it without student loans, that is great, but not very realistic.  

Anyway, this was a difficult one and Im sure you will get lots of opinions. I personally would go get a job so I wasn't "dependent" on my spouses income, especially if I wasn't given any say on money matters.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

[MKx2]

I guess one thing I didn't cover is my DS ... he's really a different sort of kid.

He and I struggled financially after his dad and I split up.  His dad didn't pay CS - long story, over and done with now, no need to bring up spilt milk - so we went from an EXTEMELY stable and reasonably well-to-do life to NADA, ZIP, ZILCH.  Gone were the days of playing hocky, Mossimo tee-shirts, and skiing/snowboarding.  DS learned quite young that family is what is far more important than the greenback and what it can get you.

As a young adult today, he is struggling to find his way a bit, but is very spiritual and well-grounded in his sense of self, and mindful of living in the present.  He resents NO one - not even his steps, and he is well-aware of what they have received in comparison to him.  He doesn't have a car, and doesn't want one - he takes public transportation, walks or the skytrain (lives in Vancouver, BC, Canada).  At any given time he works 1 to 3 jobs to meet his financial committments.  He never asks for financial help - he does ask for emotional support from me though.  We are exceptionally close.

While DH has the only income right now, this past year is the first time I have not worked since I was 14 (and believe me that is a LOT of years!).  DH has nothing to do with the financial aspect of how the money is spent.  He doesn't WANT to do it.  I pay all the bills, do the investing, follow the stocks and mutual funds, just arranged the mortgage for our new house (we close day after tomorrow!!!!  we're gonna own our "own dirt" finally!), and just about anything there is to do with the money I take care of.  Obviously, I discuss anything beyond the day-to-day stuff with DH and if he totally disagress with my decision, then we go with his - it IS his salary after all.

And while DH doesn't want me to work, I AM going to go back, probably full time in the next month or so.  I certainly will contribute part of my income to the home, but I want to have some "chump change" so once in a while if I feel that MY kid needs $50 to make his life a bit easier, I can do so without this damned guilt!

IF DH will discuss this issue with me again, I'll suggest $1k set aside for each kid ... ALL FOUR.  I doubt seriously that he'll go along with including DS in that.  The other thing is that if it hadn't been for me researching stuff, he never would be getting that lump sum - he would have just signed it all away 'cause he just can't be bothered.

Ya see ... the bottom line is that DH really resents DS because he is everything his kids are not.  I can't change that, nor did I cause his children to be the ingrates they are now.  I tried to have some impact on them, but was  steam-rollered each and every time by DH, PBFH or the kids themselves.

It's just an ugly situation and I suspect that in the end we will do exactly what I will resent - pay for cars, education and not give DS anything that comes from DH.

But, in the long run, DS will be better off for it ... he is an amazing young man.  Truly the light of my life and has become a good friend as he has matured.  I am blessed for that.

[bananas]

Ok.  That explains a lot.  

Your DH sounds a lot like mine in that he "can't be bothered".  Would rather not deal with issues/confrontations, even if he winds up benefiting from them.

You need to do what makes YOU feel better.  If your son doesn't care about what's going on, then that removes part of the load off this situation.  It sounds like you feel guilty because you can't give him financially what you feel he deserves.  I'm glad you're there for him emotionally because your son sounds like a sensitive guy.

You've been working since you were 14.  Enjoy the break for now!!  But go back to work so you can have a project, build your self-esteem, and give your son some money so he can go catch a movie once in a while!  I think if you get a job in the next few weeks, you'll really feel better about things in general.  And then, if you decide you need another break, quit!

I don't have any experience with kids vs stepkids.  It's been all about my hubby's kids thus far.  I don't have any of my own.  The nice thing about our situation is, his kids are grown.  If we have any of our own, there will be no "competition" between them.

Congrats on your mortgage.  Home ownership is nice.  Hang in there, you will solve this problem soon.

[joni]

Your DH has set a near impossible precedent to follow with all of the children.  In light of that, I don't think you're being unrealistic.  I would be anxious about this entire scenario also.

You could scale back your support to a goal that would spread equally for all children.  Minimally, I would say their first car because your DH has already done it for the first two.

As far as school goes, a minimal monthly support check would be fine, starting with son #1.  Both me and my husband put ourselves through school and paid school loans....in fact, my husband is still paying his off.  It's like we have two mortgages.

Son #1 I'm sure is trying to keep up with the other Joneses at his college.  Kids who parents pay for everything.  He needs to get his head out of the clouds and face reality.  Dad can't afford this for FOUR children.  

Son #1 has to stop being so selfish and self serving.  Your DH has to stop enabling him.

[sweetnsad]

I'm young MK, and maybe my opinion won't be worth a penny, but I think your DH isn't being fair at all...I mean, sure, it's his son, but YOU are his step mother and have been for a few years now...doesn't that give you some right to the decision making?

Your children and his children should be treated equally and I agree with what was said above..that your son would probably feel resentment knowing how much the other children are helped financially.  But you should be proud of your son...he sounds very self-sufficient and not at all dependent on you or your DH to help him out all the time.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt...why should you spend all your money on the skids when they are old enough to take care of themselves??  So what if he has student loans to pay?  Money doesn't make itself...he should learn a few lessons from YOUR son.

I think you and DH have provided quite enough for this young man and I think your offer was more than generous....but that's JMHO.

[Kitty C.]

'...he should learn a few lessons from YOUR son.'

I couldn't have said it better!!!!!!!

[sweetnsad]

You did good by your son and I can only hope my kids turn out the same way...my SO's kids are kind of like your DH's kids...the more they get, the better...sad really...

I know there's the "your kids, my kids" aspect, but you would think that after X many of years married, they would all be looped into "ours" by now...and treated equally.  I'm sorry your DH is so difficult about this...You must be very frustrated.

[MKx2]

I appreciate your comments sweet - and generally agree with them.  I guess the problem lies in the fact (well in one of them anyway) that way back in the deep dark recesses of DH's mind he harbors this thought that I drove his youngest back to BM's ... well excuse me for thinking that a 15 yo, at that time, should NOT be on the computer all night every night, sleep until 4 or 5 every afternoon, then go out with friends and basically ignore any curfew Daddy might give her.  Sure it was summer, but GIMME A BREAK!  The child basically did as she pleased.  I didn't say too much other than I thought that 2 a.m. on the computer should be a cut off and she REALLY should get up no later than Noon -- perhaps she might be able to go shoping with me then and get something for herself? Eh?  But getting up at 4 and then griping that I wouldn't take her because I was starting to prepare dinner ... oh the garbage goes on and on.

Bottom line:  His kids were brought up with no rules to speak of; his son has been told since day one by PBFH, DH and maternal g'parents that he was the best thing that ever graced the face of the earth; the girls have been hammered on about their behavior (with no guidance from PBFH and DH to help them change) and firmly believe that son is the favored one (well, wouldn't you think that?).

PBFH did a great job of PAS on all of the kids with the youngest showing the strongest effect.  Ya know, when you grow up "poor" you turn out either one of two ways - (this is a terrible term, but I'm gonna use it anyway) "trashy" with no regard for anyone else or their possesions, or you work harder to have a better life and take care of what you do acquire materially.  His kids grew up the former, DS and I grew up the latter.

I don't think, in our lifetimes, we will ever be totally comfortable with the other's children.  I don't trust his to not take any and everything I say back to PBFH and either babble about things that are none of their collective concern or twist what is said to put me in a bad light and them in a good one.  DH will never accept DS for reasons I've already stated:  DS is everything his are not, and DH is TERRIBLY jealous of the fact that DS and I are close and stay in frequent contact.  DH hasn't spoken to his youngest since the end of August - she refuses to speak to him.

It's a real mess - so if you can glean anything from my experience, treat all kids - bio and step -  the same, and don't give them too much materially, 'cause in the end it ruins them I think.