Teacher won't talk...

[Sunshine1]

We are the Custodial parents of two boys.  NCP/BM claims up and down that she is involved in the children's schooling and attends conferences and school functions...so she says in her affidavits.  We know otherwise that it is a load of crap.

For documentation purposes and in case we just might need it for whatever court appearance she drags us to this year we have started asking the teachers if she has been there or volunteered or went to a conference or even introduced herself to the teachers.

I have one very cooperative teacher who spills her guts and keeps us totally in the loop.  The other teacher won't tell us squat and has now directed me to the principal due to "privacy issues" she is unable to disclose that type of information.


My question is as the custodial parents, do we have the right to know if their mother is attending these things?  How are we to prove her affidavits are lies if the teachers won't say anything.

We have 50/50 legal custody, why is it a big secret to know if the other parent is involved and showing up for things like she says she is?  How am I going to prove otherwise unless this teacher talks?

At first when school started BM told us she had met the teacher and emails her and blah blah blah, so we felt no need to inform her( the teacher)  of anything because we thought she already knew who she was and so on and so on, when conferences came, the teacher thought I was HIS MOTHER, and had never heard of her, not even from SS, he always talked about me in school.  She had no idea.  So we filled her in and went from there.

Anyone have any case law or anything, or any ideas for a  letter I can put together?

Our parenting plan doesn't really address this type of thing but when it comes to enrolling the kids for anything for school DH has the final say.  

Anything would be helpful.

Thanks!!

[oklahoma]

As NCP, my husband really doesn't care what BM knows--because he is doing what he is supposed to as a father--but we are still entitled to some privacy.  In my opinion, BM's household is hers, our household is ours.  Unless children are being harmed in some way, nobody has any business of sticking their noses into either one of our households.  As a general rule, we don't even ask SDs what happens at their mom's house.  (They know to tell Dad if something is wrong, and have done it in the past.)

If I were a teacher, with one parent asking me about another parent, I would also do all I could to stay out of it.  My suggestion is to look for some other way to prove that BM is lying about her involvement.

[LizaLou1]

I'm sure I missed something somewhere in your post but..... why do you care if she is involved? Is she doing something disruptive? Is their a pending court action?

50% legal custody usually gives NCPs the right to be involved (note, I said involved not a decision maker given your statement BF makes l decisions per the court). As long as the school has a copy of your court order and knows who the decision maker is, I'd say you guys are a good position to control the child's education (you will never be able to control the ex).

The sad part of this is that as a stepmom YOU have no rights to the child or their education unless the court gave you some. If you are playing a role in this area (without court approval) the BM could come after YOU and get YOU EXCLUDED from the school. I've read about that very thing here at SPARC.

I don't know how the courts or society expects a blended family to function effectively if the steps" are excluded from normal child rearing responsibilities (doctors, schooling, etc.)  Our BM gets wacko when I help out even to the point of saying I was interfering with her child because I took my SS to the doctor when dad was out of town (BM lives in another state).  Go figure?!?!

Philosophically speaking, the legal system have put us "steps" in a conundrum. Your damned if you do and damned if don't.  If we accept responsibility for a stepchild and to take "care of business" (legal-wise/doctors, schools, etc) we are at risk of having our income used to compute child support and/or being responsible for paying child support for a stepchild if the marriage goes bust later.  

But, I digress...As to the teacher thing - I say if you have a problem with the Indian go to the Chief, i.e. principle.

Best of Luck

LizaLou

[Sunshine1]

Thank you for your response.  We have absolutely no problems with the BM being involved in the children's schooling!!  It is quite the opposite.  She is saying she is to us and the children but ultimately it is all a lie.

She has never been to a conference for one of the children and the other teacher won't tell us if she has or not.  It isn't like we areasking about someone elses kid it is our kid and I thought we had every right to know who is inquiring about their schooling.

My point is to my question is only this.  When the NCP/BM tells the children she is going to volunteer for there class and then never shows up, it doesn't affect me, it affects them.  We are trying to get her more involved actually.  But when she lies up and down about how involved she is it makes me want to yack, because as far as I know she hasn't even met one of the teachers.  I am not prying into her life, I am trying to document she is a liar, and if the teacher won't say anything how am I suppose to do that?

I was just looking for some answers, I will probably end up going to the principal, and I will be sending them a copy of the courts order.  DH is the decision maker and should have every right to know if their mother is up at the school.  If we don't document that she says she is there to us and got all their stuff, papers, schedules, and so on she can very well turn around and sya we have never provided her with any information for schooling when she has told us she has them already???????

I guess we will figure this out on our own.  Thanks anyway though.

[Kitty C.]

What about asking the teacher who does talk to you to talk to the teacher who doesn't?  It doesn't even make any difference if they aren't in the same schools, as long as they are in the same district.  If that wouldn't work, I would talk to the principle, because they ought to have a policy and either they both talk or they both don't, it can't be one and not the other.

[LizaLou1]

Ok, I get your point now you are trying to prove the BM is a liar.  I figured I missed something.

Our attorney told us the only way we could force an unwilling person to talk in a manner that was usable was under a subpoena for a disposition or to testify in open court.    You might ask Soc, however.

Hope that helps.

LizaLou

[oneandonly]

As a teacher--I document any and all communications with parents--phone calls, parent conferences, etc...and it goes in their file.In fact, the school has a form we are required to keep for parent conferences.
You might ask to see their file?

[Sunshine1]

Thank you Thank you!!!

That would help tremendously, we don't care if she tells us directly or indirectly just some kind of documentation that she has or has not been there!!

Thank you soooo much!!!

[oneandonly]

We document everything--like I said. This would also include when conferences are scheduled and parent is a no show--or phone calls made and not returned, etc....
Now, this info does go into our classroom files and in turn, when the student leaves--goes into their official folder that travels with them when they leave.  I'm not quite sure if a classroom file would be considered under FERPA--but I know we do share info if requested..
Good luck

[Trent]

I was a teacher for a long time, and I probably wouldn't say anything to you either due to lawsuits--it wasn't worth my job.  With that in mind, however, the school counselor's job is to document all teacher contact-if requested.  My suggestion is to go to the school, talk to your child's counselor as ask him/her to be present at all of child's parental meetings and document them.  Most teachers keep their own logs about parent contacts (ie, when teacher called, messages left, to whom they spoke) for legal reasons (ie, parent says teacher never contacts them about grades, failure notices, etc.)  Teacher may not give you those logs, but counselor can photo copy them for you.  My suggestion is to get your child's counselor to LOVE you.  Be aware that school counselors know the worst that parents can do to children, so don't lie--they smell it from a mile away.  Good luck.