Chewing the PBFH out...(VERY long)

[Mellybug]

We've had scheduled visitations as follows: Monday night BM, Tues & Wed nights BF, Thurs. BM, Fri-Sun nights EOW.

A week ago, we get a call from BM that she can't pick the kids up Thursday night (the call was during the day Thurs) because someone from work had a relative die, and she had to close. We understood. It was our weekend to have them, and because she didn't pick the kids up, they got VERY upset, and acted out quite a bit.

Sunday evening, BM left a message on our answering machine, "I decided to take the weekend off, I can't pick the kids up until Tuesday." We were a bit unhappy, since she has obviously NO regards for our schedule, which fortunately was easily rearranged.

Tuesday we got hit with a bad snow-storm, and I took the day off to get legal matters taken care of. My boyfriend commented that he hadn't heard from BM, and he was worried she wouldn't pick the kids up again. I said she would, since she knows she's in hot water already. Of course, you know what happened: she didn't.

She called about 3:00 p.m. (mind you, my boyfriend would have to leave at 4:30 to go get them) to say that her flight has been delayed, and she can't get the kids. We knew NOTHING about the flight.

At 4:00 I went to a car dealer to pick up my new used truck, and he lets it slip that she and her new boyfriend left for Florida LAST THURSDAY (the night of the supposed death in her coworker's family). She KNEW she would be gone, and LIED to us, the babysitter, and the daycare facility about her whereabouts. I didn't let him know it slipped, and calmly walked out.

I called the daycare to let them prepare the youngest that I was coming to pick her up, and called the after school babysitter to prepare the other. They were both GREAT (for the first time) about it. We had a fun night.

Later that night - SHE called. The youngest asked her when she was picking them up, and in the background I said, "No lying this time." The youngest (bless her) says, "Melly says no lying this time." PBFH pitched a FIT! She told SD to tell me it was none of my business, and told the older son to tell me that they were NOT my children and never would be!

Then, she starts screaming to my boyfriend to "tell that little bitch to mind her own business" (using MANY more expletives, mind you). I could hear her from across the room! Then, I heard her say, "That bitch had better hope I never get my hands on her!" I took the phone from my boyfriend and calmly said, "I'm sorry, was there something you wanted to tell me?" She just started swearing and hung up.

I called her back and let it ring until she picked up and informed her that she hurts her children every time she lies to them. She said it was none of my business. I told her it WAS my business because I was the one to see their disappointed faces and wipe away their tears. She said it wasn't my responsibility, it was my boyfriend's. I told her it WAS my responsibility because I love them. She said they aren't my children and never will be. I told her she was right, but that doesn't change how much I love them, and how hard it is to see them get hurt by her lies (it happens a LOT).
I told her that if she had just come right out and said she was going to Florida for a week and would't be able to get them, it would have been no big deal. After all, she did it last year (but stretched it for 2 weeks). She says that she does NOT need to tell "you people" her life. She didn't owe us ANYTHING. I told her that she owed it to her children to be truthful with them. She has no idea how bad she hurts them and what it does to them.
She said that she guesses I got more than I bargained for. I replied that yes, I most certainly did. I got a wonderful boyfriend, two wonderful children, and a psycho ex-girlfriend! She laughed. I told her that at her age (42) I rather expected her to act like a mature, responsible, grownup, but I guess I was wrong.
She said I didn't know the first thing about raising children, and I replied, "Sure I do. I'm raising yours!" and I hung up.

I guess the little one heard me, and the next time BM lied to her, she called her a liar. BM got MAD (as I can understand), and the little one (3) says, "Well, Melly says you're a liar."

She called my boyfriend at our work and threatened me - through him. He told me what she said, so I called her cell phone and left a very nice, calm, and polite message. I told her that I had NEVER called her anything in front of the children, and that they must have overheard our conversation. Secondly, whatever problem she has is with me, and she does not need to involve either the children or my boyfriend. She has both my home and work numbers, so if she needs to say anything to me, she can say it to me directly. I told her to have a nice day, and gently hung up.

2 days later she called my boyfriend to tell him that she got my message and that she'd prefer I didn't call her cell phone (whoops- she has to PAY for that incoming call!). He told her he wasn't involved, and that she can do as I said and talk to me directly and hung up on her.

The next day she called and was talking to the oldest. He gave the phone to his little sister, but wouldn't tell her who it was. She asked who it was and BM must have said "Guess" or "Who do you think?" and she replied, "Grandma Jacque?" (my mom). BM must have asked "who?" and the little one replied again, "Grandma Jacque!" Then, she must have asked WHO "Grandma Jacque" was and the blessed little girl says, "Melissa's Mom!"

We haven't heard from her since.

Life is sweet.

Mellybug

[nosonew]

OMG Melly!  Just be careful and watch your back. Also, any threats to you, file a police report.  Just to be on the safe side.  Hang tough girl!

[Kitty C.]

Melly, this is PRICELESS!  I tell ya, you just made my day!  And out of the mouths of babes, to boot!  Personally, I think you handled it all very maturely and calmly, but I gotta remember that come back:

'She said I didn't know the first thing about raising children, and I replied, "Sure I do. I'm raising yours!" and I hung up.'

Way to go, Melly!  :7

[dsm]

Hi.  It's been awhile since I've been on SPARC, so please forgive my ignorance of your whole situation.  Reading your post here, reminded me so much of a several incidents when my SD (now 14) was younger between me and her mom.  My SD was 2 when her dad and I started dating, and her mom is very much like what you describe here - all about doing for herself, and it's HER life, how she doesn't owe DH a thing, or any kind of explanation for anything.  *sigh*

That said.  IMHO, while I can completely understand your frustration with the BM, and how yes, it does affect you because you are the one to have to deal with the residual effects of the disappointment - you should watch what you say very very closely.  And allow your bf to be the one to deal with this woman - not you.  She will probably start a 'hate-Melissa' campaign with the kids - if she hasn't already.  And what will happen is the kids are going to feel like they have to choose between their mom loving them and you.  Yes, it absolutely SUCKS and is not right that their mom lies, cancels last minute on them, etc - but you cannot get into the power struggle of who is the better 'mom' for the kids.  I'm not saying that you have to condone it, or lie for her to them, but you cannot/should not get involved in their conversations with their mom like you did with the 'no lying this time'.  

There was one time where SD and I were talking on the phone and her mom was just screaming at her in the background and I told SD to tell her mom to shut up.  And she did.  She was 2 or 3 at the time.  It sent her mom into a fit much like what you describe here, and I said things I shouldn't have to her mom too.  And that was the beginning of a downward spiral between her mom and me.  There's been other conversations like it - the angry phone calls, and then hanging up on her/me, calling back to get the last word.....  Now, I'm not saying that my SD's mom and I would have ever gotten along had these incidents not happened.  But I am saying that my stooping to that level surely didn't help anything - but to help drive the wedge further in there - and to give BM the ammo to use against me - which she does to this day.  I most surely do not agree with my SD's mom's  parenting style - heck, her entire lifestyle is against my feelings on it.  But the fact remains that she is my SD's mom, and my SD loves her mom very much - because she is her mom.  My SD knows that her mom does things and lives very different than we do here, and that at some point in the near future she (SD) will have to make a choice how she will live.  All I can control is the way that I model how to be a mom to her - and she will take it or leave it - more than likely take a bit from me and a bit from her mom and become her own person.  And that's okay too.  I can't control how her mom chooses to be a mom, or live her life.

This has gotten much longer than I intended.  And I hope that you don't take offense, but instead take this as a been-there-done-that thing.  It is extremely difficult to step into the lives of children who are not your own and mother them when they have a mother who chooses not to act like one.  There is a thin line to be walked and boundaries are really a gray-area.

[Mellybug]

The situation seems to be quickly resolving itself.

My boyfriend has gone into another depression to the point of withdrawing from me and his family, this time for the past 3 days. He will not tell me what's wrong during this time, but sit and mope and just not say a word. The BM called him at work threating to "spill what she knows about me" if I don't stop talking to her children. I told him that there was nothing to "spill" about me, and that she was just trying to cause a stir. She succeeded.

Today, three days later, he says that he's upset because when he told me about another threat from BM, I got mad that he does not stand up for me. He has stood up for me twice in the past year and a half, and has let her badmouth me to friends, relatives and the chilren. He did once tell her that I haven't done anything, and to just lay off of me (a year ago), and the second time was to tell her that I did not do something that the kids eggagerated I did.

I have a lot of pent-up resentment about this. He refuses to go to counseling, so I don't think there is any way to work this out. Just today, he asked me why I've been "squirming" and trying to find out what's on his mind all of the time. What is it she has on me that I'm afraid of? That was the last straw. He's had some major trust issues in the past, and it has almost broken us up more times than I can mention. I felt like - again - he has chosen to believe her over me. In the past year and a half I can not begin to tell you how many times he chose to not stand up for me just to keep from upsetting her, thereby hurting me.

I feel rather betrayed by his actions, and this was the last straw. I have put up with more crap from this relationship than any previously, and WAY more than I ever thought I could handle.

Today was just pushing me over the edge. The only reason I'd stay with him at this point is because I would feel bad for his feelings. Because I KNOW that he loves me so very much. But, I can't do this anymore. I have to take care of me.

I'm sorry, all.

Mellybug

[thairagain]

Apologize to yourself for putting yourself through this for so very long.  I hate to say this, Melly, but this situation has never sounded like a healthy situation for you.  I think that at this point if you stayed w/ your bf then it would be for HIS kids.  And whether children are your biochildren or not it is NEVER good for the children for a couple to stay together just "for the kids".  All it does is to continue to teach the children how to foster a dysfunctional family.

If you decide to stay him, then great......you've got your work cut out for you; but, if you decide to leave, lick your wounds and then seek a relationshipe w/out prior children! lol  Stepparenting is the most thankless job EVER!!!!!!!

We are always here for ya Melly; no matter what you decide is best for YOU!

thair

[dsm]

Hi.

If this situation has been as you describe with there not being respect for you, then yeah, I'd be looking for the hills too.  The whole thing of 'losing' when the PB makes demands is a fact of life many times in the life of a stepmom (or dad).

From what you post here, it sounds like your PB is hell-bent on getting you out of 'her' life and is using some really good manipulation tactics.

I think it's time for you and your BF to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart.  He either is going to believe in yours and his relationship and trust that you are there to help him, or he's not.  And if he's not, then yeah, the empty threats of spilling what she's got on you are going to do the job PB intends - it will create the 'doubt bug' in his mind and it will fester.

He very well may love you.  But if he can't trust you and stand up for your place in his life, all the love in the world doesn't make it easier to deal with.

And yeah, the kids should not be the reason that you stay in a relationship.  They have no 'loyalty' to you - you are the new person in their lives, and with everything else that is going on with their mom working on their dad, I'll bet she's working on them too.

I'm really sorry that things are at this point for you.  It hurts.  But before you make any big decisions, try to talk to your BF.  Lay it out - do you want counseling?  If so, ask him to go for himself and also that he go with you to get a gameplan in store for how to deal with all the crap from PB.  If he isn't willing to do that - then you have some big thinking to do.  And if you choose to stay - let HIM deal with his ex; you stay out of it.  

Good luck!   And remember you have this wonderful place to come and vent and bounce ideas from.

(((((HUGS)))))

[bananas]

I agree with thair also.  I have been through a lot of what you describe, including feeling hurt because in order to protect himself, DH would bow to his ex's demands instead of what I wanted.  She was always a much bigger threat than me, because she had his kids!  But I always felt like since he is married to me, I should come first, not his ex.  That didn't always seem to be the case.  Pbfh was hell-bent on getting me out of the picture and has always been a master manipulator.  And every time I tried to get involved, pbfh started a "hate Bananas" campaign.  I am the consummate "evil stepmother".  So I guess pbfh and I both lost.

I have been married 12 years tomorrow, and it hasn't been easy.  

Every situation is different, despite the similarities.  I chose to stick it out.  Many people don't.  It's been 13 years now, and we're finally at the point where the crap is about to (hopefully) end.  You've been in the relationship for about a year, so it looks like you are at a point where you can bail out or stay, without risking a huge investment of time.  

If you're not happy, and he won't help you, then you have to do what it takes to watch out for yourself.  I really hope that he will go to counseling with you, so you can salvage what you have invested.  I always tell people who are single to avoid getting into relationships with people who have kids already.  Not that they listen, because I certainly didn't!!!  I also feel that people who don't have exes to deal with have some other messed-up situation that they deal with, so maybe it balances out.  But if you don't have support from your significant other, it's so much harder.

Good luck to you.

[tulip]

You really need to do some serious soul searching and take a look at your relationship and what each of you is willing to do to save it before you make a huge commitment (like marriage.) I would hate to see you stay and get any more attached to those kids, and them to you, if it really won't work.

That said, I want to tell you that you really should try to just avoid talking to bm at all. Don't share your opinions about her with the kids either, vent to whomever else you can find to talk to. "Chewing her out only makes both of you more upset." (Although I do commend you for being able to have a calm conversation with her when she is being insane.) The last time I tried to speak my mind to bm, I ended up so upset I couldn't sit and eat dinner with my family, or talk to anyone for the rest of the night. I realized there is a very good reason I usually refuse to speak to her.

Also, our bm has tried very hard to destroy my marriage. Her method, though, is to threaten dh that she will tell me about all of adulterous affairs. This is total bs, I know, but it does bug me. What has held us together is trust, a very strong commitment to each other, to our kids, and to God. Trust me, don't make a commitment to his kids until you know for sure that you can make that commitment to HIM. And he to you. I wish you luck and wisdom.

[Mellybug]

I left last Friday and stayed with some friends of mine from work. I only called BF to tell him that I was safe, and that was it. Friday during the day he called PBFH to tell her that she has interefered with his relationship for the last time! He said he wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with her outside of the kids. She said that he could pay off her business loan by himself, then (he put his house up as security, and, naturally she defaulted).

I spent the weekend thinking really hard, and trying to move on. Crying, mostly.

Monday, he begged me to come back. He said that he realized he had a lot of things messed up, and he needed to get his head straight. I asked him how he proposed to do that, and he said counseling. He has ALWAYS bashed counseling, but now he's changed his mind, and admits it is the only way for us to work things out. I decided to give it a try.

Tuesday him and the children met me after my workout with flowers. The children asked me to come home, and I said I would (I had already brought my things there). That night, his son (6 and oldest) called PBFH to tell her what they had done, and that I had said yes!

Victory comes in such odd places...

:)

Oh, and she called ME psycho. Classic case of projecting.

Thanks everyone!
Mellybug