Step-parent allowed to call SD?

[mango]

We have been in custody battles for over 6 years. I, (the step-mother) have been in the childs life for 8 years, (SD age 10 now) the first two years, I was in the picture, the mother was not even around. But there was no custody order, they were never married. She left the child with him to pursue a career in another state. No child support either...

Later, the father wanted to put the child in school and needed custody papers, and that is when things got heated. She then wanted to move the child to her state and uproot her from all her family. We fought it, and still do....

Anyways, we are now in a 50/50 plan (in our state), and the courts gave her the school dsitrict for some unknown reason. She claimed to have "more time to devote", since we had a family of two other young children. So now we have to deal with the distance of the school, her apartment, and other issues...

My problem is that one day I called my SD at the mothers home and left a message to call me. I asked her to call me back, as I was going to prepare a nice dinner for her the next nite and wanted to know what she preferred.

Well the mother called back 2x, to my husband and voiced her opinion that I had no right to call "her daughter" at her home. That I was invading her privacy, and that she had no respect for me and all the things we did. (Fight for custody rights...) She also said I was to NEVER step-foot in her apartment. (Which I had no intentions on)

Not sure where it all came from, but she really was angry. I never called SD again because I don't want to fire-up the situation, and cause conflict. However I do feel I have the right to call her from time to time as the mother calls SD when she is in my home. Plus she comes into my home.

I do not like being told what to do either, as if I am abiding by her every command. (But that is my stubborness too)

My husband will not call her on her weeks, because he is uncomfortable with the level of stress. So he avoids it. So she has managed to ban us from calling sheerly by her hot temper.

We avoid the conflict mostly because we fear the retribution the child may pay when the mother gets angry. We figure if we don't call it keeps things calmer.

But I do worry that it causes a wedge between us, and we need to keep in contact on our off weeks. But I can't make my husband call, nor am I "allowed" to call.

Any suggestions? Are we being whimps?

[Kitty C.]

If anyone makes a call to your SD, it should be her father.  And he needs to get over not wanting to deal with the conflict.  Because no matter what you do, it will be there.  Maybe it is less calmer if you don't call, but has your DH ever stopped to think what the long term effects of his not staying in touch with her would be?  Standing your ground and not backing down will go a long way.  All he has to do is start, and no matter what she says, as long as he keeps doing it (and is legally allowed to), she can blow a gasket as much as she wants, but all she's doing is digging her own grave.  If she does something in retribution, it is NOT your fault, but is definitely ammo against her in court.

You said you have no intention of ever setting foot in her home, and rightly so.  But if she's making those kinds of demands on you, why are you letting her into YOUR house?  I'd be putting my foot down on that one immediately.  She can come to the door and knock, but that should be as far as she should go.  It is YOUR home and if you don't want her in there, you don't have to.

Another suggestion to maintain contact might be thru the school.  My SS's elem. school has a 'postal system' run by the kids and each child has an 'address'.  The school staff encourages parents and family to take part in it and the kids love to get notes, letters, and cards.  What tickles me the most about it is that I can send something to SS as often as I want and there ain't NUTHIN' the PBFH can say or do about it!  

[mango]

>>You said you have no intention of ever setting foot in her home, and rightly so. But if she's making those kinds of demands on you, why are you letting her into YOUR house?>>

Well I assume I have to since her daughter lives in our home. She would have a right to come inside her daughters home? I do not like it. I'd rather she stayed outside, but we are civil towards her and invite her in, and even have invited her to eat breakfast with us or stuff. She declined–of coarse.

Well my husband figures it's every 3 days before we see her anyways, he figures he can wait til the next visit to speak with her.

She tends to give him the cold shoulder on the phone, (because her mom doesn not encourage the relationship between them). So he says he rather not call her since she seems as if she doesnt want to talk to him on the phone.

I thinki t's wrong, but I can't force him to call. It's a issue.

Thanks for the response.

I love the "postal system". Sounds like a neat thing for the kids to have and a great way for split families to keep close inhostile circumstances. Which they are obviously abundant by the number of posts on this site.

[forthekids24]

.... and you don't have to let anyone in if you don't want to.

She has no control over you or your home just as you don't over hers.  She has no "right" to go inside your home.

:-)

On the flip side though, you are taking the high road and being civil... that is a good thing.   You are proving to your SD who the real adults are in the situation.

Take Care
FTK

[my3sons]

I think your husband HAS to call on the off weeks.  But, have you considered email access as a calling alternative?  If you can email your SD, BM may not get so uptight about the contact.  Just a thought.

[mango]

yes, I do not call. I left it alone.

She does not have e-mail yet, shse is only 10. I suspect next year she may.

[kiddosmom]

DO not let that woman in your home, the only reason she is going in is to be NOSY.

Your DH knowing why sd is 'cold' on the phone will go along way to helping him and sd get along better, have him have a talk with sd. tell her you understand why she talks so 'wierd' and ask if she wants him to continue calling, she may just feel wierd talking to daddy while bm is hovering over her.