Catch-22 - Long vent

[DMcD]

Yes, the kids have a wonderful therapist who helps them and us deal with the emotional issues and aspects of this change. She is very supportive of us. SD is beyond caring. If I don't make sure she does her homework, it won't get done. She NEEDS to get it done. She was in the 9th grade last year in that "school". She should have earned 60 credits toward her high school diploma. Because the school wasn't accredited, she earned ZERO. She needs a minimum of 145 credits to get a diploma and 225 credits to "graduate" (ceremony, pomp and circumstance and the whole nine yards). I'm worried she won't even get the 145 by her senior year. If left up to her, she'll be in high school until she's 24.

As for OSS, I was actually homeschooled until the 8th grade, so I'm familiar with the process. There is very little that I can't help him with. A few minutes of one-on-one help sinks in more than 50 minutes of class time. He likes it and I'm seeing him warm up to his work now that he knows he'll get some real help. Hopefully we can get him back on the right track and he won't have the same issues as SD.

The discouragment comes and goes. When I'm in the groove and everything seems to be going well, I am just fine. Lately, though, if any little stupid thing comes up, I just want to give up. I know that's not right. All I know is, I'm really looking forward to the kids going to their mom's for the summer.

[DMcD]

Well, I hope that when the smoke clears and all these damaged kids grow up and become adults and parents of their own, they will look back through the eyes of adults and see what we did and sacrificed for them. Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but we will also know that we did everything that we could to help them. Sometimes it feels like that's not reward enough. Then I have to remind myself that this IS a thankless job and our reward is not in the here and now but down the road when they are productive, sane (or at least half-sane) adults. Our reward is in the good deeds that we have done and in the fact that we became parents of children that were not ours. Again, sometimes that doesn't seem like enough, but I just hope that down the road I can look back and know that I did the right thing - if there is, in fact, a "right" thing in family law.

[Sherry1]

much better with us, he was 7 when we got custody.  BM gave DH custody because CPS was involved with BM and her BF of 9 years after accusations from youngest SS that BF beat him up.  BM's live is chaos, emotional, full of adults that don't work, and only income was DH's CS.  The school that youngest SS had gone to had documented physical and emotional abuse, we believe they were building up a case to turn over to CPS anyway.  

We went into having SS in our home to help him and give him a life he would never have with BM.  This blew up in our face.  He stole, lied, physically abused other kids, threatened to kill his teachers, etc.  We had him in counseling.  Counselor told us that this is probably the best we were going to get because he had no desire to change, enjoyed making people miserable, and just had really bad parenting for the first 7 years of his life.  We didn't have any other kids in the house.  SS managed to pit DH and I against each other all the time.  

After 2 1/2 years of pure h****, and BM pushing really hard to get this child back, and she also encouraged youngest SS to misbehave so we would send him back, we gave up, we sent him back to BM.

Since then, youngest SS has been arrested at the age of 12 for juvenile felony, BM is currently paying back $7,000 in restitution for this felony.  Youngest SS has been suspended numerous times from school and is flunking most of his classes.

I can understand your situation and from my experience, the skids will probably not improve.

[DMcD]

Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Even if they don't improve, they certainly aren't that bad. YSS is actually quite a kid. He's sweet, kind, polite and his teachers love him. He's just so very far behind, through little fault of his own.

OSS WANTS to be good. He WANTS to make DH proud. He also closely relates to DH and for the last six years, he has heard nothing but mean, spiteful, hateful things about his dad. I think on some level, he felt those attacks somehow we directed at him because of much he and DH are alike. He feels like a loser, an idiot, a bad person and a screw up. And no wonder! That's ALL he ever heard about his dad. Kids always know, on a basic level that they are part of mom and part of dad and that if one parent is a miserable excuse for a human being, well, they must be, too. What we have to do now is make him understand that is not how we feel about him and no matter what anyone says about him parents, he is his own person.

SD is just deep into depression. Until we can get PBFH to agree to meds or get a court order to get them for her, we're stuck. I just hope that the meds will bring on a change for her. I just want to cry when I see her. She's so smart and sweet and pretty. She could have the world as her oyster but right now, she just feels that the world is on her shoulders and she can't shake it. I am praying that once she starts her meds, she will feel better.

I'm sorry to hear how your situation turned out. When you have a kid that bad, you do what you can and let go, if needed. PBFH is really stupid and emotionally abusive, but that's pretty much as bad as it gets. Her words hurt the kids, and sometimes I wish I could hit her upside the head with a baseball bat, but the kids will have to decide who and what their mom is as they grow up. And PBFH will have to deal with how the kids see her. Her reward, in the end, will be three kids who might love her, but they sure won't like her much.