Catch-22 - Long vent

[DMcD]

I haven't been posting much and I haven't been in chat since SPARC changed dervers. I haven't helped many people in the last 6 months or so. I have gotten the kids to school late many times and I have forgotten to check their homework even more often then that. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. No one is, but I'm tired of everyone expecting me to know everything, do everything, and be everything to everyone. If I mess up with the skids, I hear it from the PBFH or someone in her family. If I mess up with anything else, there is always someone there to point their finger at me.

A year ago, it was perfectly clear to me that the kids would be far better off with us. Now I'm not so sure. I'm a wreck, DH is confused and my kids are getting a lot of bad influences and negativity from my skids. My skids are constantly complaining about this, that or the other thing and PBFH is forever screaming at me and DH and making threats about what she's going to say in court or that she is going to come take the kids. WTF? How is this better?

SD was OK with PBFH because the only time SD got an earful about what a dirty, stinking, rat bastard her father was was when we went to visit. That was only a few days a month, for the most part. Now, she is constantly being bombarded by PBFH and SD is falling apart because of it. I know that I can do little or nothing about what PBFH says to SD, but wouldn't it be better if she were to live with her mother so she doesn't get the constant crap? SD has lost her faith. She sees everything that she goes through as some mean-sprited thing that God must be doing to test her and she feels like she is failing the test. It might be easier for her in the short term to live with PBFH. I'm afraid that SD will become so depressed that she will become suicidal.

OSS ran away, refused to come home, made false acusations to CPS against DH for "emotional abuse" and probably told PBFH a whole bunch of crap about us. I know for sure that OSS needs to be away from the danger that PBFH's city has waiting for him, but what about my family? What if he does that again and CPS decides to come after us for abuse? Where does that leave my kids? Again, I'm not perfect, but I don't abuse my kids or neglect them in any way. I am afraid for my kids, who still have a chance. They have years of happy memories, school days and time with us left for them. OSS doesn't seem to give a crap that he is risking their lives to satisfy his own selfish desires. Children in foster care are usually neglected and unloved. It takes a lot of work to get them back, no matter what the reason they were taken. Now, along with everything else, I have to weigh that with everything else. It makes me sick to think that we may have to let OSS go and ruin his life to save the five other kids we have. Depending on how he deals with his new independent study program and drug/anger management groups, we may have to do just that.

YSS is the only child that gives me hope that we really did do the right thing. I still constantly wonder. He seems so close to PBFH. His therapist said that there were "enmeshment" issues there (Can we say "parental alienation"?). He still misses his mom. The only thing I can hope for is that once he hits adolescence, he will break through that and see his family from a more adult point of view. That may be a few years down the road. He's 12 1/2 but he is probably going to be a late bloomer.

So, to recap, SD is a mental case, OSS is a lying drug user and YSS is emotionally dependent on his alienating mother. If we give them back, SD will likely begin self-medicating herself with drugs and alcohol and become a teen mother or worse, OSS will be another statistic of gang violence and YSS will need mommy for the rest of his life and he'll probably end up married four or five times because his wives won't be able to stand their judgmental, mean spirited mother-in-law.

If we keep them, we will have to continue the court fight every six months so PBFH can't continue vetoing needed medical and psychitric treatment, my kids will have to deal with three siblings that take up about 90% of mine and their father's time and we still might not be able to save them from themselves or their mother. You can see the delema we find ourselves in. DH can barely stand to look at OSS right now because of the accusation. SD bursts into tears every time DH tries to get her to do her homework. We have heard YSS talk about how much he loves his new school, how much he hated his old school, how much he loves our city with all it's trees and nice weather and how much he hated his mom's city with no trees and the constant fear of violence. We have heard him say nothing but great things about here and nothing but bad things about there but still cries to DH about wanting to go "home". It breaks DH's heart that YSS loves it up here and hated it there but he would rather live there and deal with the nasty city and schools than stay here in the nice place. It just seems that PBFH makes up for everything that is lacking there even though PBFH spent only about 1/3 of the time with YSS as DH does.  

It just hurts. I'm tired of hurting. We are in a no-win situation. We keep the kids against their wishes, for their own good or let them make their own choice and let them fall on their faces. As parents, we have to keep them. As a mother of my own kids, I say let them go. I'm not looking for advice. There is no answer to this problem. There really isn't even a "best case scenerio" for this. I don't like it. In fact, I hate everything about it. Even if PBFH were to die tomorrow, it would affect the kids and they would have nothing but guilt about having to live with DH for the last year of her life. They would hate DH for taking them away from her when they were needed there. The only solution is the one thing that we can't do, which is to somehow "fix" PBFH and have her miraculously discover all the bad things she had been doing and fix them. IMO, I think that has a snowball's chance in hell. Maybe one of you great folks can offer me some advice or encouragement. I know that this kind of thing happens all the time but I have been dealing with it for over 8 months now and I don't know if I can do it for another 5 1/2 years. For the first time in eight years with DH, I have seriously thought of divorce because I'm not ever going to ask him to choose between me and his children. I still love him. I still like him and want to be with him. I just don't know if I can stomach his kids for much longer.

[dsm]

First of all great big ((((((HUGS))))))  to you for being so strong for this long haul.  Yes, you are HUMAN.  You cannot and will not be able to be 'SUPERMOM'.  

Allow yourself to make mistakes.  Everyone does it.  It's so much more difficult to deal with when you are under scrutiny from a vindictive person and kids who don't understand (or care) that you're doing the best you can.  The transition from NCP to CP is difficult – even with the parents agreeing on everything.  My SD has lived with us full time now for 2 years.  We still are adjusting.  My SD is 14, and we had her in counseling for the first year pretty heavy.  Her mom didn't agree to the counseling; however the GAL on our case thought it was a good thing – and suggested that her mom participate to facilitate the adjustment.  Her mom never attended one session, and even though she was supposed to pay ½ of what was left after insurance, she hasn't paid one dime toward that, and refuses it.  The counseling was a very good thing for SD.  She started to get her eyes opened to the reality of who her mom is and that it was not healthy for SD to be living under her mom's influences day in and day out.  SD hears about it when she goes to her mom (about 1x per month).  And there is always the adjustment days when she comes back – it takes about 3 days to get the attitude out of her.  It's extremely stressful on me and on our LO.  SD can be really nasty toward LO.  Before SD moved in full time here, LO was always really excited to see her sister and looked forward to spending time with her.  SD has always had a bout of jealousy when it comes to LO, and she makes it clear that she considers LO to be 'in her way'.  A few months after SD moved here, one of our good friends asked LO if she was happier with SD here – and was going on about how nice it must be to have SD here all the time.  LO surprised our friend by saying that it wasn't that great – that it was better when SD only came every so often.  I then tried to explain the situation to our friend.  It's a hard thing for people outside of the house to understand – heck, I'm not sure that I completely understand it and I'm living it every day!!!!  I can very much relate to your worries about how your kids are being affected by all this turmoil going on in your house.  I guess my advice is that you have to sit down and weigh out everything.  Your skids sound like they are old enough that you should not have to be checking over homework to the extent that you feel you are expected to – at age 12 and up, they should be responsible for their own work, and held accountable for the quality of work they do.  Spot checking, or picking one day a week per child to check things out I can see doing, but every day – it's not something that I do with SD.  In fact with SD, I have completely let my DH handle her school stuff.  I only get involved if asked to help with a project, report, or something.  I don't take the initiative for that any more – it was wearing me out, and it was ME getting the backlash about her stuff.  It took me just about having a breakdown before something clicked in my head that this is not MY problem or responsibility.  I cannot 'fix' the things that were broken in SD's life before.  All I can do is help my DH provide a safe, nurturing, stable environment NOW.  SD needed to take some of this on herself to decide for herself that she was going to make it work here too.  And my DH needed to step up to the plate more and get more one-on-one involved with her so that it wasn't always me being the tough-guy.  I am very much convinced and believe that SD belongs with us, and it was necessary for us to get her out of the environment she was in.  However, in all honesty, I cannot say that it was the 'best' thing for me, for LO, or for my marriage with DH.  I have had to stop trying to 'fix' things, and just accept it that certain things about SD are the way they will be – her personality is complicated and much of that comes from so many years of living with a master-manipulator who lied, twisted things around, etc to get what she wanted out of people.  SD is like that many times when she feels she doesn't have an 'out' of a situation.  Maybe see if you can back off just a tad from everything you are doing – can your DH help out more?  Put some back on the kids, too.  How well do you (you and your DH) and their counselor communicate?   It should be something that is addressed in sessions too – and don't stop taking them because their mom doesn't agree or refuses to pay.  Bring up how much stress your SD is under, get her talking to the counselor about it all.  Hopefully the counselor will then realize the games her mother is playing, and help her with coping strategies to be able to deal with the mind games.  The false accusations that were made by your OSS – I would be also dealing with that with the help of the counselor and making the point to him that lying is not a good thing, that BIG trouble can come of it, and let him know how disappointed, hurt, and betrayed y'all feel.  Another big thing I try to do with LO and now with BB too is that I try to give them some time with just me – no SD around.  This usually happens when SD goes to her mom's, but it gives me a chance to reconnect with my babies, and I am free to cuddle, kiss, pet up without SD in the background with her green monster jealous tirades, or her telling LO that she's a 'baby' for wanting to cuddle by me on the couch or have me do her hair.  DH and I are trying to figure out how to get some 'couple' time in – just the 2 of us.  It's really difficult to do, and we work opposite shifts, different days, he's got his coaching and other extra-curricular activities that keep him really busy too.  Can you and your DH sit down and try to do something like that – keep some kind of focus on your marriage; where it is absolutely NOT okay to talk about the skids, or court, or PBFH – you talk about each other and reconnect to each other.

Okay, I'm rambling....hope some of this helps.  If anything, just know that you are not alone, this is not an easy road to travel, and despite you feeling like you're not making any headway, yeah you are.  Every day that you get up, send the kids off with a 'have a good day' 'see you when I get home' 'I love you' – that is giving them a foundation to work from and it takes baby steps – micro-baby steps even – before you'll go a great distance.  Keep venting, talk to your DH, love your babies and just be there.  (((((HUGS)))))

[nosonew]

is that it seemed like we too were always going to court, total chaos, problems literally every day, and ss lived with bm.  She refused to supply dh with any info about anything, PAS, contempt issues, etc.

The saving grace was: The judge got sick of seeing us and sent us to "case management".  This was a mediator, actually a PhD who specialized in custody type cases, and REPORTED directly to the judge, wrote up orders, for judge to sign, etc.  Everything was agreed on in her office, she wrote it up, it got signed by judge.  She met with us frequently at first, now 1-2 times per year, but is always available by email or phone.  She is ordered to remain in our situation until ss is 18, he is now 14, and has been in our lives for almost 5 years (I think) now.We now have NO need for an attorney, BM immediately behaved herself (almost) after the initial meeting in which we were informed the rules (follow the court orders or lose custody immediately!) etc.  It has been wonderful! A little expensive at first, but compared to what we had been paying attorney, within months we cut the costs 80-90%! Now, instead of paying the attorney 1000.00/mo, we get child support! Yes, we have custody, all due to the case manager who saw all! And a child who got "put out of the middle" by her and felt he could actually finally say how he "really felt".  

Even if we hadn't gotten custody, that was ss request, just the day to day problems being gone were worth every second, every penny, every every thing! I strongly suggest you request this from your attorney to submit to the judge.  But make sure the rules are very specific and if you would like more info, just email me!  

[Peanutsdad]

Sigh,,


You have my deepest sympathies.  Hun, there is no right answer for what you all are caught in the middle of.



I'm asuming you have talked to DH about how you feel?

[DMcD]

Skids are in counseling weekly. Thankfully, DH's insurance pays 100% of their treatment. As for homework, DH works rotating shifts of 4 days on, 4 days off from 5 pm to 5 am. He has to leave here at about 4 pm to get to work on time. On his days off, he usually takes care of the homework issue. I don't know if you remember the catalyst for the change of custody in our case, but it was the private "school" that PBFH chose to enroll them in last year. It was a daycare more than a school. YSS is finally catching up with his reading, spelling and vocabulary but he is still 2 years behind in his math. He REQUIRES someone to go over his math work every night and the reason he has gone up so far in his reading is that we study with him every night. He really needs it to make sure he catches up to grade level before high school.

OSS is, well, he's not very motivated. We have put him in independent study, which means he does his school work from home now. We are his teachers during the week and once weekly, he meets with a credentialed teacher from the school district to assign the next week's work and help with anything he is having trouble with. So, of course, that places much of the burden on me during the week to make sure he does his school work and understands the material he's working on. I like the program, but it makes for a longer day for me.

SD can't cope with anything. She can't cope with school, with homework, with family life or anything else. Waking up in the morning is about all she can muster. Trying to get her to do homework is like trying to give a cat a bath. If I'm not on her, it won't get done. We took the computer out of her room and she's not allowed to watch TV until her homework is done, but that usually means she's locked in her room all evening or downstairs bitching at my kids for being too loud or how boring her history homework is. We have a hearing on the 17th to ensure that she can get anti-depressants. Still, until then, I have to deal with this angry, frustated teenaged girl sulking around the house. Bah.

I know that, in the long run, they will probably be better off here, but sometimes it looks like a no-win situation that keeps biting us in the ass. The CPS worker finally came by today and closed the case, but that's still an awful scary thing to have to deal with. Once is bad enough, but this is the second report that warthog has made since February. I'm sick and tired of her games, her attitude, her anger, her family and everything else about her. I try to forgive her, I try to let it go and I try to make my peace but after a while, it builds up. I don't like having an image of her fat ass stepping off the curb and getting mowed down by a bus, but that picture has come to mind too many times to count. I don't like being the kind of person who thinks that. I just want to be NICE. I AM nice, but she won't let me!!! It's enough to piss off the Pope.

[DMcD]

What state are you in? I've never heard of anything like that in CA, but it's worth a shot. I work for our atty, so I'll ask him about that tomorrow when I go in. That sounds like a fantastic idea! I hope they have something like that here. Any info you can give would be great. [email protected]

[DMcD]

I've talked to him, but he's a dad, not a step parent. He really has no idea what I'm going through. Our kids are mine and his, his kids are his and PBFH's. His kids are about to drive me nuts. I love them. I adore them. I have tried to make them a part of my family, but it's hard when they are so confused and conflicted about me. A year ago, they thought I was a dad-stealing tramp who cared about myself and had no interest in their feelings. They now know that's not true, but it's hard for them to not believe their mom. No matter how close I try to get, they have their walls built. I'm not a zealot, but I try to use passages from the bible to help them through their tough times. Faith can give a person great strength and resolve and I want them to know that no matter how alone they feel, they are never alone. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." That passage also applies to my situation. I let them know that I am available and if they want to "draw near to me" (open their hearts to me and fully become a part of this family), I will accept them wholeheartedly (not that I haven't already). Until then, I have my own faith that God knows what he's doing - because I have come to the conclusion that I haven't the foggiest idea what is going on. I just have to know that they are where they are for a reason and they have a much greater purpose than I could ever plan them to have.

I'm really dealing with my own insecurities and upsets. The kids are emotional train wrecks and I know I can't fix it. I just have to, again, place my faith that something greater is in control of the situation and that I am being guided to where I need to go and they are being led to their own path. It's out of my hands. What PBFH says or does is out of my hands. How the kids react to negativity, change and me are out of my hands. I don't like giving up control, but I think that whatever control I thought I had was only in my head, anyway. The reality is, the only thing I have control of is my own actions and reactions. There the kids will see who really wants the best for them and who is just after the kids to keep and maintain control. I just have to make sure that I never become the latter.

[lucky]

D -- been there, done that.  

I'm still struggling with it, oss moved in with pbfh a month and a half ago, we still get school reports that he isn't doing his work and pbfh still pulls the crap about me and dh.  It's not as bad anymore (going on 7 years now) but it'll never go away, if it isn't pbfh, it's her family.

I have no advice for you, I got ripped on a few times because of "giving up" on the kids -- decisions I made that some people here thought were the worst thing to ever do, but they were never in my shoes so I can't/won't go there again "publicly".

I can give you my prayers and cyber-hugs though.

(((((D)))))

[dsm]

I can completely relate to where you are with the homework stuff and the being behind.  My SD came to us at age 12, 1/2 way through 6th grade, and had a 4th grade reading and math level.  It took SO MUCH work that first year and half and like you, it mostly fell on me to followup on.  She is now at current grade level on both reading and math which is a HUGE accomplishment.  So I guess with your YSS, just stay on him, give him the help to get grounded and keep in sight that at some point he *should* be able to be responsible for his own work and not need the daily help.

With your SD.  I hope that the 17th goes well for you and that y'all are able to start getting her some anti-depressants to help cope with the symptoms.  What does her counselor say for all of this?  I'm taking it from your post that she is deeply affected by things her mom says to her, and that she takes it personally. BTDT with my SD too, but thankfully we didn't have to go to meds.  If her counselor isn't already helping her *and y'all* with coping strategies, get talking about it.  Because at some point, even being on meds isn't going to do it for her and she'll have to face the fact that her mom is an angry, manipulative woman (and her family too).  That is not an easy thing for a kid to deal with - especially from someone who is supposed to be the nurturer, and role model.  I can relate to how you describe your SD's behavior towards your little ones - my SD has episodes like that towards LO often.  All I can say for that is that you set the grounds that it is not appropriate for anyone to disrespect others in the house.  And if she ends up spending the evening in her room, that's her choice.  And if she chooses not to do her homework, so be it as well.  I know you're probably thinking that it'll come back on you, and it very well may come back to you for questions of why isn't this, that, whatever done?  And you'll need to turn it over to your SD to answer.  I realize that she's having a hard time coping, and that she needs some help with that and staying focused on what she needs to do.  But you cannot fix that by yourself.  SHE has to come to a place in her mind where she is ready and willing to do what it takes to make it work with you.  That should also be getting reinforced by the counselor, and hopefully after you get her some meds to help balance things out so she isn't so desolate-feeling, she will be able to start to see her part in it.  Teenage girls....golly, they're difficult.

With your OSS.  Yikes that's alot of responsibility on you.  Can the credentialed person give you any tips/ideas on dealing with his training?  With him being on independent study, does that mean that he is home by himself during the day?  How much time is needed to go through the lessons with him?  What happens if he doesn't have his work done when he meets with the teacher once a week?  Again, I think that you are taking too much of this on yourself to be responsible for and not enough is put on him.  JMHO and I've so been there, trying to get through to a kid who at first really didn't care, had no motivation, and had to idea what kind of consequences were waiting for her - because I took it on me to make sure that her homework was done every single night, done right, and oy!  the amount of talking to, heck even yelling at her, threatening to ground her from everyone/thing, none of it worked until I started to step back.  It is now on her shoulders to make sure she's got everything done as it should be.  

This road is such a difficult one to travel and it's so hard to stay positive.  But you know what?  It's okay to scream and get discouraged.  You have to take care of you, and your kids need you too.  Don't lose sight of that.  I

[putkidsfirst]

Hugs to you too lucky, I know you've been through heck.  There is a huge difference between "giving up" and "letting go" that some people just don't understand unless they've been there.

I'm still there.  Also going on 7 years.

D, that was very well put, some words taken right out of my mouth.  If there is to be a happy ending for these kids, at some point they're going to have to decide to write it for themselves!  Nobody was dealt a perfect hand.  I'm not a big fan of therapists as we had one of the worst and I still believe all of her "Mommy loves you more than anything, she just doesn't know how to show you" bullsh*t was a big fat feel-good lie that pushed them even farther into fantasy and run-away-from-your-problems-land.

Hang on if you think you can.  There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourSELF.  I came within a hair's breadth of leaving half a dozen times.  SD is still the most unpleasant person I have ever met.  I still have no doubt that - if she can find her - she will run back to PBFH on her 18th birthday with blinding speed, trash us and not look back.  After 6+ years (half her life) she is still "doing her time" at Dad's.  The difference being that the world no longer revolves around her and her demands.  She knows what her opportunities are, what she has to do to get them, the whole nine yards.  As a teenager it's her turn to show us what she has learned and what kind of person she chooses to be.  That's not "giving up."  It's being a parent.  With any child there are no guarantees.  Most of the banshee-screaming, swearing, punching, lying, kicking, trashing, spitting, stealing behavior is gone now.  Problem is, she did it for so long now that it isn't fun anymore she doesn't know what else to do with herself.

We had the outrageous good fortune to have a benefactor willing to pay for military boarding school for SS.  He's finishing his Freshman year, doing a little better since his instruction/discipline is all done by ex-marines and it takes PBFH AND Dad out of his line of fire/blame.  Less than 3 years and he's on his own.

I think I can make it now.  Many many many times I have gone to my basement and called someone through clenched teeth saying "I can't do this, I'm not responsible for fixing all this damage I didn't do, my kids are paying for it too, I am out of here etc."  I never got any reward, didn't expect any.  The SKids don't appreciate a blooming thing and have nothing nice to say to or about me.  They're alive and in much better shape because of me, I have no regrets, and at least it's OK with them now that I breathe.  Sometimes that's the best you can hope for.

More prayers and hugs to you!