I've decided to get my life in order....

[DMcD]

Since my skids are going to live with BM next year, I've made a commitment to myself and to my family. I'm going back to school. I've talked about it, mulled it over and made tenative plans for the last five years, but I've MADE UP MY MIND - I'm doing it. I'm not even going to wait until the fall semester starts. On Tuesday, I'm enrolling at the community college for summer classes. They are offering a lot of classes, so I won't have any lack of choices.

My boss (DH's former family law attorney) is the president of the local law school's alumni association and he also teaches one of their family law classes. He is going to help me apply and his influence should get me accepted lightning fast. He will help me get through school and get my degree. Then I will have the long, difficult task of passing the California State Bar. I know I can do it!

My kids deserve better than this life I've been giving them. I put three kids, who were not my own, ahead of them. My kids went without things they NEEDED so my skids could have everything they WANTED. I know it's BS, but I thought that if my skids were happy, they would like it here and try to do well so they could stay here. The sad thing is, they were already spoiled and they expected that already. They didn't appreciate anything that I did. My ODS, on the other hand, tells me I'm the "best mommy EVER!" when I bake cookies or make oatmeal for breakfast. It's the simple things that they appreciate. And I love them for it.

So, daddy will be getting a job in the IT industry making gobs of money and working Monday through Friday, nine to five. Mommy will be going to school in the mornings while ODS is in school and auntie babysits the LO's. In four years or so, Mommy will pass the Bar and probably practice with my boss for a few years before opening my own practice. What a life they will have. A college fund for each of them, weekends at the park, lots of love, lots of affection and me and DH cheering on their accomplishments (along with plenty of money to take care of ourselves and leave the kids with something when we're gone). If my skids don't want those things for themselves, I won't force it on them. But maybe in ten years, seeing my kids doing so well and having such wide open futures, they may just regret the disrespect, poor behavior and don't-tell-me-what-to-do attitudes they threw at me and DH all the time.

DH and I have a wonderful relationship, I have three wonderful, sweet, fantastic kids and I have everything I want in my life except an education and a real career. Why not make my life perfect?

[nosonew]

I am sooo happy for you!  I believe that sometimes we inadvertantly forget what is important for the ENTIRE family when there are problems with skids and ex's, which just causes more pain.  

I say GO FOR IT!  That is Fantastic!  SOOO proud of you!! (Don't study so much that you forget to come on here and tell us about it!)

Big hugs....nosonew

[DMcD]

Thanks for the cheer. My life for eight long years has revolved around the ex and the skids. I'm fed up with the fighting, back biting and stress. My family - MY kids - deserve my 100%. My life shouldn't revolve around people who don't care for me, love me or even want me. I have all of that right here. Battles were lost, battles were won, but no one really got anything better than what they had before. Instead of staying up endless hours researching family law cases to get custody of kids who seem better off with their mom anyway, I can put that same energy into researching cases to submit a paper in my Tort or Constitutional Law classes. Wouldn't that be a much better use of my time and my FAMILY'S time? Once that is done, I can research my cases for my clients. Of course, I will begin taking steps to get my Family Law Specialist Certification almost immediately. I also think I will focus on father's and children's rights. If BM has no legitimate claim to withhold BD's visitation, I will go after her like a junkyard dog.

I'm puking sick of seeing kids destroyed because BM doesn't think BD has anything to offer and I'm equally sick that society, as a whole, has taught men to think that they have nothing to offer their children. Of course so many men can walk away from their children. They can avoid the painful trauma litigated cases cause their kids and since, as they have been told so often, their presence is unnessecary, they won't do any damage by making their monthly child support payments and seeing the kids twice a year. Many states are starting to realize the inherent stupidity in that line of thinking. CA will likely begin moving in that direction in the next few years and I'll be on the front lines when that does happen, whether I am a law student, practicing attorney or still a SAHM, I will be there.

I have made a promise to myself that, if I can help it, my boys will never have to endure the pain of losing their sons and daughters via mean spirited, angry, hateful BM's. What better way to help change the structure than going about it from the inside out? I have a few more years before that ever becomes an issue to my sons, but in the meantime, hundreds of thousands of men and their children are being torn out of the arms of the other because of archaic laws based on the "tender years" line of reasoning. My DH's battles are over, but the war has not yet been won. Until it is, I will always have a use for my energies.

[nosonew]

I soooo totally agree with all of that.  I am also working towards my new career, as a Psychologist.  I am finishing my bs in psychology, and will then work on my Masters.  My goal is to be a custody expert!  I have seen both sides of the coin so to speak, and feel I can be beneficial to those being "taken".  The children will be my number one priority (whether they agree with me or not!).  I would also like to give educational seminars, free of charge, to both judges and attorneys. Might have to think up some fee to get back at those attorneys though! LOL.  I believe they need better educated in PAS, and  current issues regarding equal rights in parenting.  

My goal: Educate the judges and attorneys that 50/50 is the goal.  If the 50/50 doesn't work, send their asses my way.  I will then determine who is the best parent for the job.  

**Now all I have to do is get my dh to support my cause...he HATES psychologists!--Duh, wonder why?

[Peanutsdad]

D,

I say,,,,go for it. You aint the only one looking at a law career. After all these years in medicine, I am seriously considering it.


As far as preventing your sons from experiencing this,,,,the only sure way currently,, is a vasectomy.

I would strongly urge ALL young men NOT to father children in the current legal atmoshere. Mass vasectomies. Now,, do you think someone on capitol hill would get a hint from THAT?

[DMcD]

That sounds like an excellent plan! We need more understanding not only of PAS, but the psychological and emotional damage done during litigated cases and even if parents keep nasty comments about the other parent to themselves, kids see the stress and anger the parents have towards each other. I think co-parenting classes and post-divorce parenting classes should be required of all parents. My SD was so torn up about the conflict that she was literally driving herself crazy. She could make one parent happy but then the other would be upset. She had lived that way for nearly ten years. When she lived with BM, she didn't have to worry about it too much because DH didn't put much pressure on her. When she lived here, DH put pressure on her to do well in school, try to be more social, help around the house, etc. From BM she was getting pressure to tell her dad this, that and the other thing and stressed over how much BM missed her and how hurt she was about the things SD said to the mediator. It was far too much for her to handle.

Maybe had they been taught that what they were doing, in the long run, was causing significant damage to the kids, they migth have tried harder in mediation to come up with something that worked for everyone. Since that boat was missed a long, long time ago, all we can do now is try to correct the damage and hope BM does the same. For other kids, it's not too late and all I know is, something has got to change soon.

[forthekids24]

The best advice I ever got was to "Take care of the care giver"

If you are not happy then how can you help your children be happy :)

[wendl]

OH D for it, you and your children deserve it.

I am proud of you and I know you can do this, you have overcome so much.

You know we all support you.

And you deserve to be happy and have a job you love.

:)

[DMcD]

Thanks, I need all the support I can get. I'm still young, but I have three LO's that I will have to consider during this. My oldest will be starting kindergarden next fall, but the youngest two still have a few years yet. Since DH is a veteran, I will get some help through government programs. I was also a foster child until I was 18, so that qualifies me for a bunch of other programs where our incomes have nothing to do with the aid that I will get.

I have a lot of mixed emotions. I'm nervous and excited, but my biggest emotion and the one that will do the most damage is my fear of success. I have to get over that or I'm going to go nowhere. I'm the type of person that you don't notice at the party. I'm the employee that works her butt off but doesn't get the credit. I'm the student that can earn an A but gets a C. I need to get over that. I need to be the student who does get the A, the employee who will speak up if shes passed over for promotion because no one noticed her. I need to walk into that party with an air of confidence instead of scurrying to a table when I see someone I recognize.

I need to get my ass in gear and make some noise!

[DMcD]

Some PBFH takes my grandbabies from my boys, they'll have hell to pay. That's 20 years or so down the road, so I can only hope that the current system gets a massive overhaul by then. In the meantime, the only thing that we can do, as parents, is to try to teach family values and teach our kids about the consequences of their actions. If we all do that, the number of future PBFH's may decline as well.