Behavior Issues - How to Transition

[DK]

Attorney and Phycologiest were not much help.  Of course we have to tell SS pycholigist to give us her opinion personal or professional.  It is very hard to find someone to actually talk.  What I did find is our pastor.   He counseled DH and me before he married us.  He is absoluetly wonderful.  I do not know your religion, but if you are going to chuch try your paster.  He/she may be able to help or refer you to someone.  Our paster actually has a degree in marriage and sex counseling.  Sorry I could not come up with a name.  Althought SS does not go to church reguarly I find that the more we involve him when we can he does better.   (My SS is also 11.) I pray you find what you are looking for.

I would like to share with you that around Spring Break I started disengaging.  Sort of.  With school mostly.  I was the only person helping and not getting very far.  Since SS was in 5th grade and soon to be middle school I finally figured out school is his problem.  If DH is not home and SS asks me to help I will.  If he does not like the way I help, I walk away.  If he doesn't get it and doesn't ask for help, he sits.  Or get up without finishing and waits for DH.  If he never goes back to his homework he get the bad grade and I let the teacher be the one to yell.  It worked.  This summer we changed our schedule from every other day to one week on and one week off.  This was our second week.  I am always the one to pick up and mostly drop off.  So needless to say I have the most time with SS and my son.  Now that SS is here a full week I will be disengaging more.  I certainly understand where you are coming from.  Sounds all too familiar.  I also understand why you don't necissary want to disengage, at least yet.  We have gone through councecling for almost 3 years and that is why I have decided this is the way to go.  Please remember you and your kids.  Put them first.  I have put my 4 year old on the back burner more times that I want to admit to.  All for my SS and to try to give him a chance.  However, I now feel my own child is suffering the consequences.  If/when this happens please put you and your own children first.  

[tharper001]

I didn't even think about a pastor.  We do not attend church on a regular basis... I think it's become a giant business.  But, I wouldn't mind started to attend ever so often.  I know they have many programs and counseling available.  That's an excellent place to begin.

As far as the disengaging goes... that is so much easier said than done.  But what about my feelings, and what about my image?  My 11 year old SD is 130 pounds and barely 5 feet tall.  I will not stand for her to come to my house and continue to wear the skimply clothes that her mother lets her wear.  She put on a bathing suit the other day that was ridiculous.  It's okay if she's at home... but if we go to the mall, or we go to see our family or friends, I believe I should get the right to say something.  It's embarrassing... and it surprises me because my husband is one of the sharpest dressers that I've ever known... yet, he won't say a word to her -- just "you can wear whatever you want to wear".  

As far as school goes, we have no control over that... we're not going to worry about it until the next school year, and maybe by that time, we will have her here... so that we can do something about it.  That is, of course, if my husband stands firm as he says he's going to.  I'll believe that when I see it.

Fortunately, I do not have my own children yet.  I have two beautiful cats, and they will do for now.  I'm on a venture to stop smoking by the end of this year and to move forward with having a family with my husband.  Hopefully by then, we'll have my SD and we can see how things are going before that family commitment is made.  But... there will have to be some changes, as it is my house too... and if I'm not respected, well... that won't leave much hope.

[DK]

I'm glad you are open to the idea of looking at church for help.  My family does not go reguarly.  And it is hard to find a church you are comfortable with.  With us it is the paster.  You may find one that may fit your SD needs, a new set a friends could be found.  And it may not be what you are looking for at all.  I know that I have been where you are and your thoughts are much like mine.

As far as the disengaging goes... that is so much easier said than done.  I have just started this process.  The reason I have decided to disengage is because I do have a 4 year old.  I have helped my SS for 6 years and now my own child is going to be first not second.  Since you do not have your own children yet I understand your reluctance.  I seriously doubt I would disengage if it weren't for my own childs needs.

My SS is also over weight.   I think the advice regarding simply not having the foods available is the easiest way to go.  That is what I do.  My son still thinks ritz cracker with PB&J are cookies and Chewy granola bars are candy bars.  

Will your SD go shopping with you?  Perhaps a slurge at the mall for just a couple outfits would help.  The ground rule being DS can pick the outfits and bathing suit, but you get to say yes or no.  It is your money and your splurge you get a say so. Maybe even bond more?

I agree some of what we stepmoms deal with is embarrassing and you absolutey should have some say so.  I am lucky my DH sees his son with wide open eyes.  Unfortuately with two homes involved there is only so much you can do.  I hope your DH will sit down with you soon and truely listen and act.  

[tharper001]

All of you have provided fantastic advice... but now I have another question.

Before my SD left Sunday a week ago, I had the opportunity to express the fact that her father worried about her when he didn't hear from her.  I asked her very nicely to please call her father.

As of this morning, he tried to call her at 7:15 am this morning... because he hasn't heard one word from her.  He left a pretty demanded message -- This is your father calling, I am worried about you as I have not heard from you.  BM Name, if you are listening or get this message, I expect you to have my daughter call me so that I will know everything is okay.  If I don't hear from you, either I or the police will be visiting to make sure everything is okay.

Now... my question.  First and foremost, the child lives 1.5 hours away from us.  Second, we have an 800 number that the child could use.  Third, while my husband doesn't see it, I see it every time the child is with us... she plays him, she plays her mother... I actually think she enjoys all of this attention.

Would it be detrimental if I pulled her aside this weekend and took the opportunity to FIRMLY ask her why she hasn't called her father after I asked her two weeks ago, and to tell her that she has no excuse as to why she is not calling her father.  I am sick and tired of my husband being played by both his daughter and that b**ch.  It makes my life a living hell... I know he feels terrible and feels as though his daughter is being taken away from him... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT.  He was dumb enough to get the b**ch pregnant to begin with, and has lived with this fact for the last 11 years.  He should have known that as his daughter gets older, because of his lack of demanding respect from his daughter, that this was going to happen.  I have been trying to tell him this for years!!!  And as much as I hate to see it actually happening, I knew it coming.  And it's only going to get worse.

I personally think my SD needs a very stern talking to.  She doesn't get that at all, and he certainly isn't going to do it.  He will make it out as though he doesn't want to put his daughter in an uncomfortable position any more than he has to.  Well, I know that child has not been with her mother 24 hours a day for the last week and a half.  That child is lazy, and I personally think she thinks it's cute with all this bickering over her.  And I know I need to disengage, but when this child has been the number one problem in our relationship, I be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch her start hurting my husband as her mother has.

[Kitty C.]

Am there, doing that, but on a much smaller scale.  SS does that as well, playing his parents off of each other, playing DH and I off of each other, and even playing DS against us as well.

tharper, you mentioned that she gets no attention from her mother...this is the end result of that, because all that you've described is attention-seeking behavior.

And for putting her in 'an uncomfortable position', you might want to sit down with DH and list all the 'facts' of what's going on, then going over it all again, pointing out that all these behaviors are attention-seeking and CALCULATING.  Meaning your SD purposely sets out to do these things, just for the reaction she gets from it all, regardless of who it is.  If she gets 'uncomfortable' with it, it would ONLY be because she's been caught.

Do you have anything to do with her school or ever talk to her teachers? If you do, ask them what kind of behaviors along these lines they've seen.  Any classmates ever complain about her?  Some comments (understand this is coming from kids) might be that she appears 'two-faced', appearing to be a friend to someone one day (just to get something), only to turn her back on them the next.  She might even be doing it to staff as well.

As for talking to her yourself, I really couldn't tell you.  I've had to talk to SS a few times myself, but then he wasn't showing as many of the signs as your SD is.  His were MUCH more subtle.  And calculating.  He acts contrite and redqalizes he's 'been caught', but given enough time, he tries it again, just to see if he can get away from it.  Given that the only time his mother gives him any direct attention is when she  is trying to show others how good a mother she is or when he's REALLY screwed up, I can understand why he acts that way.  I guess it's a crap shoot if you were to intervene directly with her.

Hope this gives you a little insight.........

[tharper001]

It's really funny that you bring up the school issue.  We have school records back to 2nd grade.  Every single report card mentions her citizenship and her lack of turning in assignments.  She got C's, D's and F's this year consistently.  Isn't this lovely?  But she receives no punishment for these types of grades.  The mother doesn't do a damn thing except leave the child home alone on school nights until sometimes 1 AM.  And the father doesn't think it's his responsibility since we only have her every other weekend.  I personally don't do anything with the school because I have no rights.  The elementary school that my SD attended last year ended up requesting that my husband would have to request documentation, etc... He always did anyway, I would just help him out by sending e-mails to the principal to follow up on certain documents.  My husband runs his own business and is very busy... sometimes he would not be able to follow up between 9 am and 3 pm, so I'd do it for them.  Well, I'm just a stepparent -- no rights whatsoever -- not even in my own home, seems like.

She had made some friends in our neighborhood that we moved into 3 years ago.  There was one in particular that would come over and eat dinner with us, and go to movies with us, etc.  Something happened, and supposedly he got upset because she was spending more time with his other friends than he was -- so my husband comes to the conclusion that this kid was just a spoiled little rich brat, and that his daughter was the shining star.  WRONG... all kids are going to bicker back and forth, but this child sees her mother make friends for a while, then just turn her back on them.  There's not many who know who mother and still like her after six months or so.

This child has always had problems getting along with other kids.  This past year (6th grade), she began school in a charter school (her father and I secretly took bets on how long that would last).  Any way, the child ended up slapping a boy because he called her mother a whore (truth hurts!).  And her mother came up to the school and made such a scene, the mother had to be escorted off of the property.  End of the charter school attendance.

Then, she sat out of school for two weeks until her mother found another school -- even after the father requested to be added to the emergency contact information, the documents we got in May still did not have him on there.  She threw O.J. on a kid because he called her Big Nose... she spent a day in detention... had the school not punished her, she would have received nothing.  The child was late or absent 36 TIMES since November... isn't that a stellar statistic.  And what's worse -- when asked about it, the child informed my husband that "she ran on Eastern Standard Time, and that the school's clock was five minutes fast".  Isn't that a lovely principle to teach your child!

My husband has tried to be involved in her schooling, but being 1.5 hours away, it's very difficult.  We provide the schools with pre-paid, self-addressed envelopes at the beginning of the school year, and my husband schedules teacher conferences throughout the year.  Problem, we generally have to type letters to remind them to send us information, and he can talk to the teachers until he is blue in the face -- what can he do about missed assignments, her being late, etc... NOT A THING!

It's just an overall lose-lose battle.  His daughter hasn't called him, and he thinks it's because her mother is threatening her... which is very possible -- but there's still no excuse.  We have an 800 number, it's toll-free!  There is no possible excuse that his daughter cannot call him, even if she's being threatened by her mother.  And we will be addressing this in court on June 30th -- this is a scheduled date to discuss summer vacation, the lack of phone calls and TO REQUEST A PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION!  And to demand the mother to finish the deposition that she stormed out of at the end of April.  Should be an interesting day!

[Kitty C.]

:-)

[DMcD]

You got a lot of great advice, but I think that you are going to be made thg scapegoat, whipping post and housemaid. This sounds like a red alert situation. This child is going to walk all over you and you won't be able to do anything about it because your DH will let her. To disengage, you have to have a DH who understands what's going on. I suspect, that based on what you have already said, your DH will get angry, upset and defensive when you tell him what's going on and get angry when you don't do what his little "princess" asked you to do for her.

I would strongly recommend that you talk to your DH now, be frank and let him know that if she lives with you, he will NOT disrespect you or undermine your authority in front of your SD and let him know what the issues are and how you feel that you and he should handle it. If your SD is anything like my skids, you (like us) will end up giving them back to the BM on the grounds that you can not live in a house where the child constantly cries to the other parent about yours and DH's discipline. You can not live in a house where you are at the beck and call of ungrateful, foul tempered, lazy children who expect the best, even if you can't afford it, it's inconvienient, unreasonable, etc.

Your DH will likely expect you to put up with those kinds of behaviors and coddle SD the same as he does. If you don't, he will become angry towards you and you will become resentful towards both of them. Express your concerns now and ask him how he feels this should be handled. An 11 yo isn't going to be too much to handle but a spoiled rotten, beligerent 15 or 16 yo is another story altogether and those few years will pass before you know it and your home will become your prison and your SD the jailer. Trust me, BTDT.

[nosonew]

My ss came to live with us last year, and we had major issues like this--mainly trivial, but it was MAJOR when he (dh) would tell ss he could do something I just told him he could not do!  We made up rules.  We both go by them!

1.  If dh is home, ss asks him for whatever he needs (part of my disengaging)

2.  If there is a situation, however trivial or big, and I have stated to ss "This is the way it is", my dh AGREES to it regardless of whether he actually does or not.  THEN, dh and I discuss it at a later time, when ss is not around.  

3.  Neither of us oversteps the other in front of any of the kids!

Hope that helps!  You are a FAMILY UNIT, whether she lives there all the time or not.  

-Her looks/image, each kid is different, and if/when she lives with you, YOU buy her clothes...then she will wear what you want her to wear!

-School...surely your dh will expect more than what she is doing now...good luck on that though...her study skills are lacking and I doubt they will get better (per history with my ss!)

Good luck!

[tharper001]

I absolutely have no doubt as to what I'm in for.  And it's a very scary thought.  You see, my DH can come up with some great excuses as to why he thinks he is the only one to raise his daughter.  First and foremost, the first year I was in her life, we had a great relationship, then I started figuring out the whole ex issue and truly saw what I had come into.  I should have bolted then, but was "in love".  And I must admit... the child was 7 years old, she was staying up until 11:00 (yes it was the weekend, but she was 7), she didn't brush her teeth, she didn't want to take a bath, etc., etc.  I started trying to come up with ways to reward good behavior -- like the star system.  You do this, this and this, you get stars and once you have this many, we'll go out for a treat.  To try and encourage good hygiene and good dress and good, healthy habits... like getting enough sleep.  I was getting butted in the head by my DH...

And he wonders why my attitude changed towards his daughter.  Even at that age, I could see how tightly the two were woven together.  It was like I was an outsider.  No matter how hard I tried to fit.  BUT... it was only like that when she was there.  It was wonderful others.  Also, I was new to the kids thing... again, I should have listened to my mother and not even taken a second date!

But... even if I do try and talk to him, he will tell me that I don't have that same relationship with his daughter that I used to, and that I can't assert demands unless I have the love to go along with it.  And I'm not her parent, and therefore, don't have the bond.  I have much more of a bond with this kid than her own mother does.  At least I encourage her when she's with us.

But that is his main excuse.  And it is a very touchy situation and can get highly emotional because it pisses me off so much.  I have come to terms with it for the most part and just bite my tongue... but it does help to get it off my chest.  This child has been the cause of all of our relationship problems... so much in fact, that it has led to other relationship problems that are very difficult to cope with.  It definitely hasn't been an easy road, and I'm not sure that even if we do win, that we will have truly won.  that's why I'm just biding time... just waiting to see.  BUT... THIS TOO SHALL PASS, AND ALL WE CAN DO IS JUST ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES AND KEEP SMILING!!

Thanks a bunch!  I really appreciate the support that these boards offer.