Telling the kids about PAS

[mango]

I have kept my mouth shut, in regards to the BM and her attempts to alienate my SD against me and DH. We never bash her, or go that route.

But at what point is it a good idea that the child see things for what they are? Can they be told about PAS and the tactics being used on them? I just wonder so many times if my SD sees it for what it is.

She told my neighbor that she tells her BM that she has a bad time at dads house because she is not allowed to tell her any good stuff because she gets mad.

This was a neighbor, she would never admit to us that she does that. So she seems to understand what is going on in some odd way.

Just thoughts.

[Brent]

>But at what point is it a good idea that the child see things
>for what they are? Can they be told about PAS and the tactics
>being used on them? I just wonder so many times if my SD sees
>it for what it is.

This is a tricky one, with a lot of variables. Tread lightly, and allow the child to use his/her common sense. There is a lot of good information in here on countering parental alienation:

Parental Alienation Information Archive
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm

[DecentDad]

Great book called "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak does an excellent job in outlining proactive tools to combat attempts to alienate, rather than just siiting back and riding the high road and pretending with child that it's not happening.

If you haven't read it, it really does contain very practical approaches to help kids through it, as much as possible at least.

DD

[nosonew]

Kids are very resliliant, and hopefully your step will realize what is going on and when they do, they just deal with it the best they know how, which is keeping the peace.  They do what they have to do, do what they have to say, TO A POINT.  Don't know how old she is, but I would be that by teens, 12-13-14, she will be sick of it and either completely shut mom out or to protect herself another way, shut your dh out.  Hope it turns out that she doesn't have to pick sides either way, but if she does, hope she picks the right one!

[mango]

She is 10 now and we are fully aware that the BM has intentions of "working" on her for the next two years, and WHAM when she turns 12 we will be served the court papers saying she prefers to be with BM full-time.

My DH and I have two kids of our own and one on the way, we can't afford to keep fighting this thing in court. Let alone the constant stress it puts the family through. It's sad to say but if she (SD) at age 12 decides she wants to go with BM, we think we might let her go. If we fight it would it be futile, since they can decide at that point, and her mom is hard-core and high-pressure?