considered an evil stepmother

[stepmom74]

  Hello, this is my first time with a question and i'm not sure of the abbreviations yet so I'll just spell it out.  
  My stepdaughter has decided that she does not want to come for her visitation anymore because she says she has problems with me and does not like me anymore.  
  This is just a new development in the last week but does not surprise me at all.  She is 10 now and has turned into her mother!!  I have seen through her little acts of innocence and lying and discipline her when she's trying to manipulate me or my family when she is in my home.  I have been her stepmother since she was 6 months old so I'm not a new person in her life.  She doesn't remember a day that me and her father weren't together.  She also does not remember her mother and father every being together so this new development seems a little suspicious to me.
  I have done everything a real mother would do for her and we have gotten along for years.  We have noticed a change in her personality in the last couple of years that neither I nor my husband can ignore anymore.  She is doing terrribly in school and she doesn't have any friends.  She lies about absolutely everything and is always trying to get her little sister (my biological daughter) into trouble for things my SD's done.  I feel that I have a right to tell her when she's doing wrong and now it has just made her madder at me and she has told her mother, and her shrink that she doesn't want to come and see us anymore.  
  I feel wrongly accused and it's tearing me up.  Before this happened we considered trying for full custody because of what has been going on and now I know her mother will use what my SD says against us in court.  I have never hit or abused this child and would never even consider such a thing but I know that her mother would make it sound like I'm abusing her and I don't know what to do.  My husband has told her that he has had enough of her and that if she doesn't want to see him anymore thats fine.  He also knows she's been munipulated by her mother and that it's just a phase she's going through but I don't think thats the way to handle this situation.  A 10 year old should not tell us we can't get her for visitation.  Her mother lets her make those kind of decisions and I don't think she's mature enough to know what's right for her.  Can anyone give me some ideas on how to deal with her without giving up on her or letting her get a way with this manipulation?

Please help,

the wife    

[nosonew]

Join the crowd, alot of us sm's that have been in the lives of skids for many years, often times see skids  having loyalty issues, etc.  And if his ex/you don't get along with ex, you know she is saying things to daughter.  Then you, the evil stepmother, actually tries to make her responsible for her actions, and bammo...

My suggestions are this:

1.  Family counseling (YOU, DH, SD)

2.  Family meeting.  All persons in immediate family present.  Make a list of rules and STICK to them!  Make sure you tell ALL the kids you love them, but there are certain things that will not be tolerated and give them a list, to hang up on the fridge, of possible punishments for different behaviors.  Don't list the behaviors, just list the punishments.  Explain that sd will be punished by dad.  But if he is not home, she will be sent to her room, no phone, no computer, no tv, etc., until he arrives. I hope she likes to read!  Explain that your dd can be disciplined by either parent. You and dh have to be in agreement and make a UNITED front!

3.  QUIT disciplining.  Do this instead:  When she does something she shouldn't, lies, manipulates, etc., send her to her room, and tell her that DAD will take care of it when he gets home.  

4.  Speak with dh on phone or as soon as he arrives IN PRIVATE.  Then decide together the best punishment, with him delivering the verdict, AND explaining it is HIS decision what punishment was picked.  (This gets you out of the fire, although you are still in the pit).

Consistency and communication between yourself and DH are key here.

Do you think this would work in your case?

[stepmom74]

I agree and tried not to discipline her myself but the problem is that she is with me much more than with her father.  He has to work so many long hours to pay for the outrageous child support we pay that most of her weekends are with me.  If I had to tell him all the things she's done in a day I don't think he'd come home!!  He has heard plenty in the past and has told me to do what I see fit because he trusts my judgement and he doesn't want to spend his time with her by punishing her the whole time she's there.  Believe me, thats all he would get done.

This new problem really has nothing to do with her and my relationship.  It has to do with me and her mother's relationship.  We mutually hate each other to the core and now she's been showing her daughter papers that I've written her years ago when she was munipulating my husband.  Now my SD says she doesn't like me because I send mean letters to her mom and that I'm mean to her mother.  Well, two can play that game but we choose not too, of course.  What happened years ago doesn't have anything to do with how I care for my SD and is also none of her business.  Of course the mother denies showing her daughter any of the paperwork she's got from us but kids don't make up stuff like that.

She's even told her counselor that I'm mean to her and her mother and the whole thing is so out of control its ridiculous!!  I believe it's all being done because we were going to try to get custody of my SD.  Her mother has not been taking care of her and keeps leaving her with friends and family, even her ex-husband every day, and we think she needs a stable environment to live in.  We asked my SD if she wanted to live with us and try it for a while in a new school and I'm sure her mother heard about that and got scared and cooked up this new scheme to keep us from taking her to court.  She's schrewd like that.  She also lies on the stand just to get her way.  

I'm afraid to go through all that again because we don't have the money to throw it away if we lose another hearing because of her manipulations.  Do you think this should stop us from trying to get her?  Do you think things would get better or worse if we did get her?  I think her mom is trying to make her choose between us and her.  I only want whats best for her and my husband and now I feel stuck in the middle of something that isn't my fault.

Any more suggestions would be appreciated.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  Make her stay with us and try for custody or lay off for awhile and see if things cool off.  I'm just afraid this is going to be used against us.

Thanks for your input

stepmom74

[stepmomtwo1]

I could have written this post myself. I read the whole thing to dh and he agrees that it sounds just like us.

When my sd was 9 she decided not to come for visits and her mom told her if she didn't want to she didn't have to. Dh had made her sit time out for treating me like dirt (this was the first time he ever did anything about it) and she said she would never come back.

Now sd is almost 17 and we have not seen her in over 5 years. She was like your sd to the letter. She has no friends and her mom pulled her from school last year because everyone there hated her and she was failing every class but art so now the ex claims to be home schooling the kid but the county office that is in charge of home schooling says the kid is doing nothing and their positive of that.

This kid makes all the rules at her house. Her mother let her get her first piercing when she was 14 and by 16 she had earrings in places most adults don't have them. She stays out all night long and her mom never knows where she is (we found this out when sd's friends mom called and reported her daughter missing and the sheriff came over the radio saying they called sd's house because she was the last person to be with this girl and the ex said she hadn't seen sd since 11:30 the previous night....this was a Thursday night and the kid had just turned 16!)

Now my advice. Dh and I didn't push to make sd come back with us. He had enough of her and he didn't really want to deal with all the crap so he left her go. Now that her life is going to the crapper and she is turning out to be such a waste we really wish we would have tried to get full custody of her. She isn't a bad kid (or at least she wasn't) and now her life is going to be nothing. She won't have a high school education come next spring when she should graduate and she has no friends and spends all her time with her mom who is her best friend but she thinks that's normal because her mom has no friends and her grandma is her moms only friend.

So if you truly can stand her take charge. Her mother already has her in therapy so she must have problems that can't all be blamed on you (my sd goes to therapy and blames everything on the fact that her dad doesn't come and see her...not mentioning the fact that the little twit chose not to visit for the last 8 years and her mom has drug dh's name through every bit of dirt that she could find).

We miss sd but don't miss the crud. We have five children together who love their daddy like crazy. Sd still whines to the family that our kids have stolen her dad away from her. Funny thing is she isn't smart enough to see he's their dad too and she's the only one who took him away.

I feel for you,I have worn your shoes. The best part for us is we only have a year and two months left to deal with the crud and we can say to h*** with the whole lot of them. You my dear still have years to go. Keep your relationship with her and don't allow her mom to ruin what you have kept going. If you chose to quit trying I understand too. It's hard as heck and people who have never been there have no idea at all what is really going on.

[smtotwo]

SS, 10 is playing the psychomommy against the daddy game.

We had them 3 weekends last month (with 5days in between 2 of them)
and skids got mad about ice cream, and the discipline that went with it.

We WILL be having a family meeting this friday.

I'm soooo angry about this that I've considered telling 10 yr old about  psychomommys lies.

THings like DH stabbed my son, that I was stalking her and going to kidnap the kids from school, I work 2 jobs, 1 from 7 am-11am and the 2nd from 1pm-7 or 8pm.  She lives 2 1/2 hours away!! When did I have time to stalk to her??

She tried to get a restraining order against me for that.  They did give her a temporary one but once I was served and had court they denied her a permanent one.

But, because I  was on probation at the time, ( I had bounced checks during my divorce) and was paying that off on probation,  She called my probation officer and told her the stalking story.  I spent 4 days in jail because of her lies.

GOD, would I love to share that with the step kids!!   But I won't, yet.
Not until they get older.