Crushing blow....

[DMcD]

You guys have always been a source of unlimited support. I really need it right now. I just finished my first school session after having been out of school for over 5 years. I got great grades. I am scheduled for the fall semester and I had planned to be finished with my AA by the end of the school year. DH was so supportive and took care of the kids and gave me quiet time to study.

Now DH has orders to go to Kuwait for 18 months. He is scheduled to leave in October. Without his help, I might be able to take one or two classes, but no more. I will be able to get a semester's worth of credit while he is gone. This is going to push back my schooling for at least a year but maybe longer.

My kids - I can hardly bear the thought of them not having their father for 18 months. I am so vocal about kids needing two parents. Now they are going to have to live without him for a long time. Maybe ODS will understand but YDS and DD won't. I'm not even sure if DD will remember her daddy when he gets home. It's devistating.

I haven't felt this low in a long, long time. I can feel the depression starting again. My doctors said I had PPD last year but it was because DH was gone and I had six kids to deal with. This time I will only have my three, but my kids and my skids probably won't be able to see each other at all while DH is gone. My kids are going to lose a father and three siblings. SD will be three months away from turning 18 by the time DH gets home. DD will be in preschool.

My kids, the family, my school - in ruins. I can't think about any of it without crying. DH and I had just started to reconnect. While the skids lived up here, almost 100% of our attention had been on them. Now that they left, we started going on dates again. We talked for more than 5 minutes a day. I'm going to miss him. But I understand why he has to go. The sinking feeling I get when I think about him halfway around the world is small compared to what the kids will feel because they can't rationalize it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell my babies. I don't know how to forgive my husband, even though I know it's not his choice. I feel myself spinning out of control and I keep thinking, "This life is not what I wanted."

[stressedstepmom]

You and your family are in my thoughts.  I know it is hard, but somehow you will get through this. Is your DH active duty, or guard/reserve? Regardless of which one he is, once the initial shock wears off, you and your family need to go to the nearest base to family support.  Join a support group before DH leaves so that you can hammer out a plan for finances and set up a schedule for communicating while he is over there, and hear how other couples have/plan to deal with their own situations. If you are near an active base at all they will have people that can help you through this whole process from before he leaves up until he comes back. You can get financial help and help with the kids so that you can continue your education. Like I said, you are all in my thoughts and if there is anything I can help you with just let me know.

[DMcD]

DH is Army National Guard. He has been on orders for about two years at the air base. They have closed both air bases in the area and have turned both into business parks. Both bases have a few military services. DH guards the airfield at one of them.

He was gone 4 1/2 months between November and March of this year and in 2002, he was in Kuwait for 6 months. Now we have to be without him for another 18 months. This is not the life I want for my kids. I don't want their father gone one year for every year he's home. They deserve better.

I know the military can't help with childcare. They already told DH that. He was told to "network" with other military wives. The nearest open base in over an hour away and every time I've called, they give me the runaround and I end up with "because he's not active duty, we can't do A, B or C..." Because DH is a reservist, he gets no help. His family sure as hell doesn't. They don't treat soldiers well at all. Maybe it's his unit, maybe it's California, but they don't treat anyone like their contribution is important or worth mention. Everyone has an attitude like, "get on the plane and tell your wives to shut the hell up."

I lose a husband and my kids lose a father and the military gives us $150 a month for that. He's worth a whole lot more than that. He can't work his part time job, he can't save us the money on childcare and he can't be here to fix the car or the plumbing so I have to get a professional. He's worth more than $150. All I know is no one is giving us any help and no one is telling me how to get through this emotionally, financially or physically. I have three babies. These people seem to think that I can do it all by myself. They're freakin' crazy. I really don't think I can do it and that scares me to death. What happens if I really can't? What do I do? Who can I call? I have no one.

[stressedstepmom]

Is the open air base Travis or Edwards? What base has he worked at for 2 years, is it March? I know that March is pretty much useless since they closed it.  I am thinking that the open base you are talking about is Edwards. I will try to help you on this, you shouldn't be made to feel that you are alone. I will go research and get back with you.

[stressedstepmom]

Here are some websites that you might find useful.

http://www.defenselink.mil/ra/documents/family/benefitshandbook.pdf
http://www.defenselink.mil/ra/family/toolkit/
http://www.edwards.af.mil/base_guide/docs_html/newcomers/fam-support.html
http://www.nmfa.org/
http://deploymentlink.osd.mil/deploy/family/family_intro.shtml
http://www.sgtmoms.com/home.asp
http://www.taonline.com/tappages/tapfull.asp
http://pages.prodigy.net/parris2002/

Hope some of these are of some help to you. Regardless of where DH works or what his duty status is there should be family support available to you.  I would go to every class that they offer and find out what your benefits will be. Also, just remembered that there is the L.A. AFB, is this the one you said was closest? How far is Edwards from you? If Edwards isn't that much farther then I would recommend going there.

[DMcD]

He has worked at Mather AFB for the last two years. Travis is the closest at about an hour away and Beale is the next closest at about 1 hour, 45 minutes drive. His unit told him he doesn't qualify for any type of childcare assistance because he isn't a single parent. They told him that since I'm here, we'd have to figure out childcare if I wanted to work or go to school. Thanks for the links. I will check them out. His unit has been known to piss on his leg and tell him it's raining, so maybe this is just another one of those times. I appreciate you taking the time to find those for me. If he has to go, I'm going to try to take advantage of the services they have to help me get through this.

[stressedstepmom]

Wow I was far off on the base location :) My DH says you should go to your DHs first sergeant and seek his assistance. If you get the same thing from him, then not in a threatening manner but say that you have no choice but to go to the news media and explain what is happening. Even though they may not offer you childcare assistance they should offer you some assistance. You shouldn't be told that since your DH is "just" national guard that you don't deserve the same help as someone who is active duty. Bottom line is your husband is deploying and while he is deployed should be on active duty. Does he get BAH/BAS while he is gone? Look into that, I have read that he should get that. Like I said in one of my other posts, let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. Us military wives have to stick together :)

[DMcD]

He's been on ADSW orders for two years, so we've been getting BAH and BAQ the whole time. He will get a few other entitlements while he's overseas, but not enough to make up the difference while he's gone. His 1st Sgt. is worthless, his CO is worthless and his Lt. is very nice but younger than either of us and really doesn't know a whole lot. She is his best bet, but even then, she seems to have little authority over what is going on.

They screwed up his pay while he was over in GA and we kept falling further and further behind and no one was able to help. He got in trouble because I eventually had to call the chaplain, who was a Col. Someone got yelled at so DH has been treated like dog crap ever since. At least before I called he was treated a little better. He was treated like dirt before, now he's dog crap. I hate this unit, I hate this war and I hate the idea of him being gone for so long. He's on his two week AT right now and I can hardly stand it. Grrrrr....

I feel so helpless.

[SadStepMom]

Oh I feel so horrible for you.  You are having such a rough time.  I wish I could something for you.

Besides telling you that my thoughts are with you I have only one suggestion.  You had said that you were worried about your children not knowing DH, etc.

Do you guys have a video camera?  Maybe you could have DH make some tapes, one that the kids can look at whenever the want, and other tapes to play on special occasions such as birthdays, etc.  I know this doesn't even come close to having Daddy at home with them, but it might help a little.

Best of luck to you!!!!!  You are in my thoughts and prayers

[DMcD]

We don't have a video camera, but we could get ahold of one. That's a great idea, though. I don't think that I would have ever though of something like that. It doesn't make up for him not being there, but at least it is something.