The Blues - General Marital Concerns - long

[rachaelmomma]

Hi all,

I have been married now for 2.5 yrs and SM to 1 (7yrs old).  I am 29 yrs old.  This is my first marriage and my hub's 2nd.  I have always been one to believe that marriage should last forever and I understand that marriage is work.  I have been contemplating my marriage lately and need some thoughts, opinions and advice.

Here is the skinny on our history:  whirlwind romance - dated 3 months, proposed to me, got engaged, 7 months later we are married.  His sister was a HUGE thorn in my side from before we were married (she didn't want to let go of her control of my new hub and SD), huge blow-up 1yr after wedding - SIL now out of our lives (but has decided to be best friends with EX to stay in Simi-control of SD - Ex and SIL hated each other when hub and EX were married for same reasons I don't like SIL).  Hub does not have an advanced degree but runs his own company with a partner and makes decent money (not tons - just decent).  I have my BS and am contemplating going back for my MBA next year.  His lack of degree did not bother me on an intellectual level but I have learned that there are emotional implications to his lack of ambition to obtain higher learning (i.e. he does not try to be a better person or learn from his mistakes and it takes an act of congress to get him to admit that he was wrong) Before the wedding we talked about life goals, ambitions, and kids he was wishy washy on the kids but we decided to wait 3 yrs after marriage and then start trying (this way we could have some "US" time).  He had high aspirations and ambitions as far as career was concerned.  Hub is a good-ol-boy/psudo red-neck (the my-way-or-the-highway type),  I am one who is very inquisitive and I tend to analyze and try to learn from every experience (read - "Sensitive, accepting, risk-taker).  Hub just wants to "be whoever the HE#@ I am and leave it at that"...no aspirations of becoming a better person.

Here is the issue.  Hub does not act like my "life-partner" and has decided he doesn't want kids.  He wants to quit his job and piddle with his hobby for a (very small) living.  I think he is being selfish and not focused on our family.  He also has a responsibility to SD and should not shirk that financial burden.  I don't want to work like a slave all of my life either but I also don't want to live in a trailer park all alone with no kids and no family near by.  I make decent money myself and with the MBA will do even better.  I feel like he wants me to be his sugar-momma but when I called him on it he got pissed.  My biggest beef is this:  If he wants me to give up my desire for children for him then I feel he should do everything in his power to become my best friend/soul mate not just the guy in the house who only wants to watch his shows, eat the food he likes, go hunting for vacation, and get sex when he feels like it.  He needs to fill my need for companionship if he doesn't want me to fill that need with family and children.  Now before you trash me, I have tried to acquiesce to his wishes for the most part... I don't watch much TV anyway so I don't generally care if he watches hunting shows, He likes to cook and does most of the cooking so we generally eat what he wants (when I do try to cook he has no problem telling me that he doesn't like it), I have gone on at least 4 hunting vacations/trips with him, and we have gone on 1 regular vacation/trip that I choose.  He hated it and was pissy the whole time because he was not being entertained and doing what he wanted (he said that to me on the trip), and unless it is that time or he has put me in tears he generally gets sex when he wants.

So I am asking for some thoughts...Is this just the typical married life and I just have not let go of my Cinderella fairytale image?  Should I seriously consider moving on with my life and starting over (not my favorite option – I love him even though he hurts my feelings often and don't want to "quit" on the marriage but it takes two to make it work)?  What should/can I do about his change in stance on kids and ambition?  I am seriously hurting and confused and appreciate the help.

Thank you in advance.

[KAT]

Live in Florida? Let me introduce you to my sister. You two sound so much alike (that's not a bad thing okay? :)). I'm going to tell you what I told her. Get out now. Life isn't that hard. Love isn't that hard. He doesn't want a child, which is your answer. He isn't going to change. Move on. My sister stayed with Mr. Man for 5 years...I don't know what she was hoping for but it never happened. If I had to hear "But I LOOOVVVEEE him" one more time I probably would have cracked!
Now she's happier. Alone but not necessarily lonely. This time around she will know exactly what she wants. Sure opposites attract, but why would you want to live your life like that? I'm sure it's okay for some, but it's obviously not working for you!
My Husband is amazing. He reads my mind & I read his. Fights are very rare. I don't think we've had one in 2.5 years...and even then they didn't last more then 15 minutes. We encourage each other, we lean on each other. From the start we had the same life goals. Sure they have grown & changed along the way but it has always been mutual.
It's going to hurt. But then again, nothing in life that is worthwhile has ever been easy.
Just because you get divorced doesn't mean that you can't still see each other & perhaps, just maybe, as life changes both of you a relationship can be rekindled...you just never know!
Good Luck!
KAT

[sweetnsad]

I tend to agree with Kat....move on.  This man doesn't have your best interests at heart and if he is just blowing off the thought of having more children without even caring how you feel about it, then that should be a warning flag.  You should both be on the same page....he shouldn't be intentionally hurting your feelings and making you feel this way.

My fiance is the most wonderful man....between us we have six kids.  We love each other and support each other.  We've been through more crap in the last three years than most married couples have been through in a lifetime.  And we are stronger because we survived it...kids, inlaws, exes, court dates, false arrests, slander, etc....

I'm sorry hon, but I don't see this as a loving, nurturing relationship.  And if you are here asking us what we think, then that's another warning flag.  I know you say you love him, but are you "in love" with him?  Does he make you feel secure and loved?  I've been through this with my ex husband and finally I left...it wasn't worth staying to feel unloved and unworthy.  My feelings and desires meant nothing.  He, also, left his job to follow a "dream"...and I ended up working two full time jobs to pay the bills.  Wasn't worth it.  He sat at home and did what he wanted.  He didn't care that we had a child to feed and clothe....that was, apparently, my responsibility.

I hope some of this helps....along with Kat's advice.  Do what feels right for you....that's the only person that's important right now.  :)

(((Rachael)))

[Jules]

I agree with the others.   When you say you love him, what do you love about him if he treats you badly and doesn't care about your feelings?  His manner of dress, his hair cut, his whatever?  He he - you see what I mean?

I must admit that I've been married three times, first to an abuser, then to a loner, and now to a man who likes what I like, cares about me, supports me, and worries about me.  He's not perfect, but I do know I am truly loved and my opinion truly matters.  I've never been treated like that before.

I have a girlfriend who, in the name of love, has no children, no pets, and lives in an apartment with her spouse and they are both in their mid-40's.  This is not the way she wanted to live, but now it is too late.  She can't safely have children, her husband is threatening to quit his job and become a writer (even though he's never written a thing in his life!), her husband has spent every cent they have earned on pizza shops that don't make any profit, she had breast cancer, and now she must stay in a deadend job "for the benefits".

Women must take control of their destiny - don't let this man make  major life decisions for you.  You deserve the best!

[Amanecer]

to compromise your values for the rest of your life?  Short answer - probably not.  BTDT  You cannot change him...and no, this is not "typical married life".   Leaving someone in a marriage is not about quiting...sometimes it is about facing reality.    

[jc]

Have you ever read the book "Women who love too Much?  This book has so much information and stories of women in difficult relationships, it might be a good resource for you.

I also believe in Dr. Phil's saying "Do not innvest more than what you are willing to lose"  

If your dream is to have your own children, live that dream!  You deserve it.