Can't Believe SD Did This!!

[jilly]

My SD is 6 years old. She'll be 7 in a couple of weeks. She was at our house last weekend.  I was putting up clothes last night and went into SD's room to put away the clothes she'd worn while at our house. While I was in her room I found a piece of play food from DD's (2 year old daughter with DH) play kitchen in SD's room. She and a friend had been playing with the kitchen on Sunday afternoon and figured she'd just forgotten to return it.
DD has several trinket boxes, cubes and other lidded containers for storage in her room and she has a habit of "hiding" things (money, necklaces, crayons, small toys, etc.) in these containers. So, seeing the play food on top of her dresser I thought there might be other items from the kitchen "hidden" in the room so I start looking in all the "hiding" places. SD has a wooden cube with a lid beside her dresser. When I opened the lid there was a pair of SD's underwear in there. When I picked them up there was poop all over them!! I could not believe what I was seeing!! This wasn't a case of she had the runs either. This was regular poop!
I called for DH to come upstairs, showed him the soiled panties and told him where I'd found them. His response?  She probably just had an accident and was too embarassed to say anything. You know who/how her Mother is. I very calmly said "Yes it probably was. Yes she probably was. Yes I do know who she has to live with." Then he says to me "What do you want me to do about it?" What do I want you to do about it??!!!! Good Lord man!! The girl left nasty dirty underwear hidden in her room!! I don't for one minute think she had an accident. She is old enough to know when she has to go to the bathroom and she's old enough to know that what she did is wrong. Who knows how long they would have stayed in that enclosed box if I hadn't found them last night. They would be quite ripe by the time we found them. I just threw the panties away. That's how nasty they were.
I really don't know how to handle this situation or how DH should handle this situation.  I know it was intentional but I can't prove it. And, IF DH does say something to SD about it she'll just use the same excuses he gave to me last night and it will all be OK. Well I'm sorry, but it's NOT OK to do that.  And another thing that chaps my butt about this is DH always complains how the PBFH makes excuses for SD when she gets in trouble at shcool. Well excuse me Mister...but what did you just do??  I can't imagine her doing something like that at her Mommy's house so why do it at our house??
Has anybody else had this happen? I'm just flabbergasted by the whole thing. I know there's a deeper issue here but for the life of my I don't know what it could be. And I doubt very seriously that SD will give us any insight into the problem either.
One thing of note....I am in the process of potty training DD. And as you all know, getting them to pee in the potty is the easy part! SD always hangs around when I am changing DD's pants and/or taking her to the potty so, naturally, she's seen some pretty messy pants. Could this be the reason? Reverting back to her potty training days or something? (I know...it's a stretch!) I do know that when SD was potty training she would get very upset when she had an accident in her pants or in bed. We always assured her it was OK and that sometimes she will have accidents and that as she got older she wouldn't have any more accidents  We also encouraged her to go to the potty more often and would remind her to go to the potty. We're pretty certain that the PBFH made it hard on SD when she had accidents.
Am I overreacting or what?
Thanks for any comments or suggestions.

[Kitty C.]

With the way you describe your DH and the PBFH, it's pretty apparent that very little will be done about the incident.  BUT I do strongly suggest that you sit down with your DH and discuss what to tell SD if it were ever to happen again.  I think that's the main goal here, to make sure it doesn't happen again.

You may want to explain to her that what she did is EXTREMELY unsanitary and can have serious repercussions.  What if DD had inadvertantly gotten into it?  You need to establish repercussions that would have a significant impact on her if it were to happen again, AND you and DH must be in agreement about it.

You also need to explain to her that, whether it happened by accident or otherwise, she MUST tell you about it or clean it herself.  That you understand how embarassing it must be, but health and cleanliness must come before embarassment.

Curious, has it ever happened before (her having any accidents since being potty trained) and does she have any attention problems?  The reason I ask is that DS was extremely difficult to train to poop in the potty.  Come to find out quite a few years later, that was a sign of inattention and a precursor to his ADHD.  Kids get so involved in whatever they're doing, they might 'feel' what's going on, but don't/can't hold on to that message long enough to break away from what they are involved in.  The urgency for kids to poop is only as strong as peeing when it's 'iminent', and usually it's too late for them to make it to the bathroom by then.  

[jilly]

I agree. I certainly don't want to find something like that again!! Also, I don't want her to think/feel that I'm always going behind her and snooping around in her room. And I don't want to feel like I have to check her room every time she's been there. See the vicious circle starting? LOL  I believe that when DH talks to her he will tell her that she needs to take care of things properly and not hide that sort of thing and the consequences of what will happen if she does it again. He has no qualms about delivering consequences!

Since she's been potty trained there have been no accidents in her pants. There have been a couple of times that she's wet the bed but that's because she wasn't reminded to go to the bathroom before she went to bed. I used to be the one that would get up in the middle of the night and change the sheets, get the dry panties and pjs. Last time it happened I made DH get up and take care of it! Needless to say it hasn't happened again! LOL  There has also been a few times when she couldn't get her pants down fast enough and a little bit of pee leaked out.

As far as attention problems go, she does have some but nothing that would classify her as being ADHD.  When she's invovled in play she will suddenly bolt to the bathroom so I know that's going on. She loves to watch TV and when we have her I try to find activities that get us out of the house or that keep her too involved to think about TV. I know she watches alot of TV at the PBFH's house. I'm aware that this has been linked to hyperactivity. I have seen SD and DH just totally zoned out watching TV to the point they don't hear you when you talk to them. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree huh? LOL   DD watches some TV but I try to keep her entertained in other ways.  I resort to TV when I'm trying to get some housework done. (Bad Mommy Bad!) Also, SD has problems in school. She just started 2nd grade on Monday and she got in trouble the first day for not doing what she was supposed to do. She's already complaining about her teacher being too strict. DD is supposed to call her tonight so will be interesting to see how the rest of the week has gone. Last year she had problems such as: talking, not getting work done on time, not doing what she was supposed to be doing, rude to student substitute teacher.  It didn't matter how many times DH talked to her and told her how important it was to listen to the teacher, get her work done, etc. it didn't continue. Again, PBFH had an excuse for every instance. It took DH giving her a spanking to settle her down some. But, to be fair (now am I making excuses?? LOL) there was a girl and a boy in her class that picked on her alot. This was confirmed by the teacher. Of course, that still doesn't excuse the behavior.
Thanks for your comments Kitty :)

[LizaLou1]

Don't sweat it but do take action.  My daughter had "accidents" at that age because she was too busy playing.  She also hid those undies because she thought I'd be mad.  Also, it's not uncommon that they don't always clean themselves as well as they should (boys too for that matter) - thus you get "skid marks".  

I focused on the importance of being clean and used encouragement rather than censor to get improved results.  My daughter was embarassed enough without me going into overdrive.

I recommend going out together and let her pick out some new underway.  While your out, bring of the subject in a kind and caring way.

Best of luck

Lizalou

[DeeDee]

I believe it entirely and you are lucky...you found it before your daughter...

when I was potty training my youngest sd and all other siblings were seven to 11 years older and my dh was knee deep in litigation and sibs were knee deep in jealousy...

ALL THREE SK's had potty "woes" (although I would call them catastrophe's)..

As much as I hate to say it...I think your sd may be looking for attention FROM YOU!

For my sk's I gave them all pull up and asked if they needed to "go" potty numerous times throughout the day so I could give them some wet wipes before they went to bathroom. (something more than toilet paper) You cannot flush THAT many wet wipes without messing up the plumbing.

When I find a "hidden turd"  I just ask in the middle of "anything" (there is always something going on in our household) if anyone was saving said "turd" for something, "special"?!?

If you want to end this..give SK('s) a "special place" for said "misquided turds" (I gave my sk's a jewelry box) LOL

I told my sk's that we'd share what was in the treasure box at the end of the week, or when they visited.

Of course some sk's were facetious and gave me a turd...so I got the ol' microscope out so we could view slides of said sample...so they could REALLY tell me how special it was in scientific terms...

Of course,  oldest sk's made blue ribbons in the next science fair..much to their mother's chagrin.

My YSS still harbors potty issues with bm to this day and when he is in contact/site with/of her ss will still pee/poop his pants.

OSD still speaks with her counselor how her bm told her to pee/poop her pants so she could "provve" to dh how she still needed her mom..

We told her it was okay and gave her some "age fitting diapers" which she never used at our place...just used at her bm's and left laying all around her place of visit. (not on purpose, she then, like now, NEVER cleans up after herself!)...

My suggestions are not a cure-all..we still have a 16 almost 17 y.o. with these "sorts" of probs..

[jilly]

OK...first off...EWWW!!! LOL  Very unique way of handling the situation but I'm gonna have to pass on that one! LOL
However, I do agree that it may be her way of expressing jealousy of her little sister and wanting my attention.  Isn't it interesting to note that children will do such things to get the attention of a stepmother?  You'd think they would do this type of stuff for their "real" Mom.  Things that make you go hmmmmmm!
We'll have SD this weekend and (hopefully) DH is going to discuss this with her. I generally stand back on stuff like this because I feel it's his responsibility to handle it but I do step in on house rules or where her safety is concerned.
Thanks for your input!

[DeeDee]

As much as we feel knee deep in "it"...

My sk's told me that they always thought I was somewhat "outside" of it..

They want my attention as my attention on them is just about THEM. (does this make any sense)

My sk's mom was always telling them that "your Dad would love me more if he loved you more"....

and my dh complained along the lines of, "why does your mom say that and why are you the messengers of it because I simply want to spend time with you and not her.."

Me:  I could care less what arguements your parents have at this moment, you need to behave, be kids, and but out of the interpersonal retaltionships of your parents.

Stepparents (stepmoms and stepdads alike) can be a refuge for the sk's....at the very least....we are another point of view...and I told my sk's that like them I have my OWN point of view, just like they did...and their point of view was their own.....and they would realize their own point of view probably when they began to disagree with mine.(ohhh how right I was...wish I had been worng! LOL escpecially with a bunch of teens)

I know my way was drastic...but my osd STILL to this day nine years later keep the jewelry box in case a "turd needs analysis"... (ewww--think...saving a "turdy jewelry box"..)

what's worse...20 y.o. ss saves his "turdy-box" too...

Until this day, I do not know whether it is/was because they won blue ribbons at the science fair that year...or because they emotionally feel the need for a "turdy-box" **shudder**...

[jilly]

LOL  But doesn't it feel good that there is something you did to help them with an issue and they kept it? Even though it is kinda nasty! LOL
You gave them something neither one of their parents could give them. That's way cool!

[MERGIL]

My SD is seven years old my husband and I just had a baby boy together 3 mos ago, my SD also has been facinated with watching the baby when Im changing him, and has always had a problem with wetting her clothes day and especially at night the BM claims no accidents at her house!  Yeah right I wonder if there is a connection or a regression problem It just seems worse right now. I have even put her in pullups, which the BM stated were degrading, I think its more degrading of having to wear pullups at seven years of age. I also found a similiar pair of underware from my oldest SD and I was appauled If you get any solutions please forward them to me It sounds like our BM's were cut from the same cloth.    

[nosonew]

OMG, My ss is almost 15 and doesn't know how to wipe his a@@... this makes me laugh! Sorry, but please forgive me...at least I am not alone in this!