Can any of you offer some words of wisdom here.......I am at a loss....

[Droogle]

SD is 10yo.  Her 11yo half sister was killed July 2003.  SD has a half brother 7yo with DH & I and 2 half brothers (4 & 2yo), plus a half sister 7yo with BM.  BM is NOT involved and at this point is making no attepmt to follow through on her word to SD.  Last Friday she told SD that she would be by on Monday to visit but would call the house first.  No word at all.  SD is angry.  She misses her siblings and I as step-MOM get the brunt end of BM's screw ups.  BM is homeless and living with her parents because she is too lazy to get a job.  SD gave BM her last $.55 because BM was whining about not having money.  

I am tired of the way this immature woman plays on SD's emotions and doesn't care enough to even call.  I am tempted to tell the woman to piss up a rope when she tries to see SD again.  Thankfully school starts again on Thurs. so SD will be gone during the day and we are super busy most weekends.  I guess I just needed to vent.  SD keeps everything inside unless you pester her.  I think after 6 years I am just out of ideas.  Hope everyone has a good week.

[Kitty C.]

I hope you're documenting her 'non-involvement' very well.  I know that in some states, they have specific guidelines on severing parental rights based on abandonment, but I think sooner or later you may need to consider at least getting her therapy to deal with it, and/or hauling BM to court to try to sever her rights.

Now, understand.....I'm not advocating this, but this 'dangling a carrot' in front of your SD is obviously doing tremendous damage to her.  Maybe by taking her to court, it will at least get the BM to $hit or get off the pot, at least the court will see the damage she is doing to your SD by making promises to her that she won't keep.

I'd be tempted to tell her to go piss up a rope myself.  Just out of curiosity, have you ever thought of broaching the possibility of your DH adopting SD with BM?  How do you think she's react to that?  I think the most damaging part is the empty promises she makes to SD, allowing her to look forward to something, just to have her hopes dashed over and over again.  That's an easy way to develop a pessimistic child, IMO............

[Stepmomnow]

I don't know BM's situation, does she have custody of the other kids (your SD's half sibs)?  You said she was homeless, so I was thinking that maybe someone else had custody and if that is true, could you arrange for you SD to see her sibs without Mom involved?  That may give SD a better sence of stability and control, so she does not feel quite so jerked around.  

Just an idea.

[katz]

SD is 10yo. Her 11yo half sister was killed July 2003.

Was this bm's daughter that died?

[Droogle]

She was riding her bike across a county highway on her way to the store for BM when she was hit by a car.  My SD never really knew her sister because BM has played these games since she gave DH custody back in 98.  Last time SD saw her up until last summer was Janurary of 99.  

[Droogle]

BM did call and used the no money excuse.  I relayed the message and SD said "that's nice".  We will see.

Kitty SD has been in and out of therapy since we had 50/50 custody when she was 3.  She is just started to verbalize her feelings relating to BM so we will see what is too come.  She was talking to the social worker at school last year so I will update her when school starts.

Stepmomnow.. BM has custody of the other 3 kids because she is as sad as it is to say this the better of the 2 parents.  She also knows how to play the CPS system and gets around all of the stuff.  I have been trying to figure out a way to keep the siblings involved but it is very hard in NY.  Right now she is living with her parents.  Who knows.  I just live here and pick up the pieces.

Thanks for the advice.

[katz]

aaaahhh I see. I thought maybe this started happening after the death of bm's child, but since the lack of contact was before that changes my perspective a bit.

My husband was also given custody of his daughter, from bm without a fight in 1998. He paid bm child support for the first year, then finally got that stopped, it was silly since he had his daughter and sd's mom was not taking any visitation. That went on for over 3 years, no phone calls, cards in mail, or seeing each other at all intentionally.

Legally we could have extinguished mom's rights (in my state 2 years abandonment must be proovin). My husband and I elected not to do that, since in bm's care was an older 1/2 sister to my sd. We felt it would be in sd's best interest if bm elected to have a relationship that the door was left open for bm to do so.

I remember the heart ache for my sd, when we ran into her mother a few times in town, and sd begging to go over there and stay the night. Her mom always told her no, but was talking out the other end of her mouth, about soon, and oh I love and miss you so much etc. We did our best to allow sd to talk about her anger, and or feelings about the situation, consoled her and let sd know we understood how she felt.

After over 3 years of abandonment, when I was about to have a baby, sd's mom suddenly wanted to see sd again. Dh took it slow in the beginning and 3 years later it has resulted in a pretty close to normal visitation time of every other weekend. In OUR (cant stress that enough, every situation is different and your sd is older, my sd was only 1 1/2 years old when her mom left, and 5 when she came back into her life) situation, looking back, I feel we did the right thing by not closing the door for a relationship once pursued by her mom.

Its more stressfull for me and dh of course, but I do think it will be better for my sd in the long run. I do hope if in your sd's situation it is best to have a relationship with her mom, that her mom comes around.

I probably didnt help much, I too am or was wishy washy on the subject. I remember thinking why doesnt bm allow sd as normal of a family as possible if she doesnt want full time involvement, the anger I had at being "put aside" or so it felt. Between you and your husband, hopefully you can figure out how best to deal with it, for your sd. Good luck

[Droogle]

And have been in SD's life since before she was born.  I had a boyfriend at the time and my DH was done with his marriage to the ex long before him and I got together.  We had been friends all along though.  Needless to say he left the ex when SD was 1 1/2.  It was a long battle because BM is not a good parent and was doing SD more harm than good at that time.  We went through all the games along the way.  When they first got divorced it was 50/50 but we had her 70-80% of the time.  

BM is a messed up woman who never had a childhood.  She had her oldest child at 14.  I feel for her but I have to protect my SD.

As it stands right now we are not going to have her rights terminated because that could come back to kick us later.  We are in the process of doing living wills and assigning a guardian just in case.  Sadly because of the way things will stand it will have to be someone who will fight for SD because if anything happens BM will see the $$ signs.  

Today SD is cleaning her room and being a 10yo who isn't ready to go back to school on Thursday.  Thanks for letting me know I wasn't alone in this.  I feel like a freak sometimes.

[katz]

It is unusual, and our situations sound quite similar, or at least they were at one time.

We (dh and I) need to get busy about doing our wills, because you are very right, the bm would see $$ signs if something were to happen to my husband. Also I would fight for at least visitation of my sd, I would hope for custody, but of course that is just a sad dream being a lowly step parent. LOL After all I have been with her for over 7 years now, full time, and also have a sibling relationship to consider. Oh this is depressing to think about huh?

I really really hope it all works out. No you are not alone, I bet bm doesnt pay any support either? Sd's mom doesnt, and never has. At the time bm told dh that if he pursued child support she would fight for custody. hmmm? Minimal amount in child support versus a long drawn out custody battle not to mention expensive, dh took the easier of the 2.

Sorry to babble, I have my days this crud really gets to me.

[msme]

approached the idea of inviting the BM to some counseling sessions? My grandchildren's therapist has done this & it has helped the kids immensely. The $$$$ has hit the fan several times when the kids have asked her point blank about some of the crap she has pulled. She tries to lie her way out of it but the kids see the truth.

Good luck & God bless

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