Vent (with questions for 2nd wives)

[4honor]

We are siting on the brink of being able to go for custody, threshold has been met, but DH has not moved anything forward in 13 months.

Now the vent part...

DH is antagonistic with PBFH. I write a letter to BM that it the least antagonistic as possible given BM's penchant for drama-queen-I-am-the-ultimate-victim mentality and he changes the wording around and adds this useless macho posturing crap... sends it via email... can you say, "You left a paper trail of your poor behavior Dude?" I am so frustrated that I actually thought about walking out the door and not coming back. I have gotten to the point that I hate my SS more than half the time for the crap he and BM pull and DH is working his way into third place on the doo doo list. We have a nice romantic weekend and then he goes nuts again on BM and starts another verbal fight. She is no angel and deserved it, but he is doing himself ALOT more harm than good. I have disengaged as much as I can with SS and that helped. Walked away from the court orders boogie and that helped. I don't allow DH to go off to our friends cause he looks like a crazy man lately, but he needs to vent somewhere.

I am on medication to avoid the non-stop anxiety attacks I would otherwise live with. I was being harrassed at work by a co-worker and because I blew the whistle, the company president (co-worker's buddy) retaliated. My migraines are daily now and the medication is $8 a pill to stop them. I work 50-60 hours a week to avoid going home and seeing how bad the position DH has placed us in today is. I see the waste of the $10K his parents shelled out and I know that it should have been a loan. I got a credit card to place tax deductible stuff on  (gas for my work, improvements to the house, etc.) and he has charged over half the balance with CRAP (Slurpees and videos). He's out of control. I lied before, I am not frustrated, I am angry. HOWEVER, I made a commitment before God and I intend to keep that commitment, especially since I also know that feelings are transient and I won't always feel this way.

So now the questions...

Do you ever feel like I do?
How do you get beyond it? (both with your family and personally)
Have any of you had any luck getting your second family into family counseling?
Does it ever get any easier?
Is there anybody out there willing to put me out of my misery?

[sweetnsad]

Hi....first of all, here's a (((hug)))

Secondly, I'm not sure I can "put you out of your misery".....the only person that can do that is you.  You need to seriously sit down and look at this head on.  Are you happy?  Is DH happy?  Is everything you are going through, worth this unhappiness?  NO....

For starters, it's easy to see that you and DH are on completely opposite pages regarding his ex and his son.  You aren't agreeing on how to deal with either one of them, and ultimately, this will result in a breakdown of your relationship.  

You need to disengage yourself from her completely, before you totally lose your mind.  She's his ex, let him deal with her.  You don't have to.  You are basically making yourself miserable, and I know that you are trying to help and be a supportive wife, but it just isn't worth it.  

It's obvious that you all need counselling, especially if you want this to work.  You both cannot continue to clash over issues regarding the ex and his son.  The one thing that both of you should be able to count on, is your continued support of each other.  You both should be able to agree on how to handle different situations and issues together.  Otherwise, this will not work.

Does it ever get any easier?  Yes and no.  Yes, it gets easier, in a sense.  As time goes by, it becomes second nature and a part of your everyday life.  You learn to deal with it day by day.  Sometimes, it becomes a bit much...like everything else.  But, that's where your support system should come in and you should be able to count on it and feel secure.  The bottom line is:  She'll always be there, in your face, in one way or another.  It's how you learn to cope with it that makes all the difference in the world.

You REALLY need to sit DH down and hash this out.  If he's unwilling to listen or hear you out, then, you need to decide what to do for YOU.  You can't continue to be miserable, just because.  

I'm sorry....I probably am not much help.  But, I hope you can work this out and agree to disagree (somewhat!!)

:)

[Stepmomnow]

I second the Hug!!  It sounds like you are very frustrated and unhappy with the situation. I also suggest disengaging altogether.  If he starts to rant to his friends, just walk away.  Perhaps their reactions will get through to him more than your words.  Don't write e-mails to the EX.  Perhaps if a judge pops him for fighting with her, he may try a better way.  

You need to get some support for your self.  Even if DH will no got to counseling, you should.  You may be suprised what a difference you can make by changing the way you respond. If nothing else, it will help you feel that you are doing everything you can to make things work.

[smtotwo]

OOHHH  I sooo feel like you do!!  I called my best friend last night (240 miles away) and told her I was running away from home!!

DH here will never go into counseling, cuz nothing is ever his fault.
And like you  I figure I won't feel like this forever.  

But I will be going to the doctor next week to ask about antidepressants.
DH works out of town and I NEED his check to pay the bills here at home.
For the 3rd week in a row a friend of his (who drives back and gets his check) picked up DH's check and I drove 40 miles round trip to get it only to find it wasn't there.

We had a shut off notice for the electric and I had to have the money in their office TODAY!!  So I had to drive another 180 miles round trip to get his check from him, only to have him say  It Would be Nice If I Had some money from my checks!!  

So, I told him to keep his check and do what he wanted with it.  He put it on the dash of my truck but, I WON'T cash it.  I get paid from both jobs (Yes I work 2 jobs!) next tuesday.   I called the electric company and I will pay the bill with my checks.  

I even considered making up a lease and having him pay rent.

Anyway, this was my vent thanks for listening.

I can't take care of everything myself, his kids eow and 1 full week each month, my mother who's 85 and blind, my DS who's 13 and has cerebral palsy, and juggle all the bills here.

I will from next week on being giving him FULL responsibility of ALL the bills here.  He'll have friday afternoon, saturday and sunday to figure out who to pay this week and who can wait til next, how to make sure we have enough groceries for myself and DS, gas for the vehicles...
SORRY< babbling     I'm just so frustrated!!  If this wasn't MY house I'd leave like yesterday!!

And unfortunately, If I ask him to leave then he has nowhere to take the skids, not that I should care because his 8 yr old NEVER does anything wrong its always my 13 yr old or his 10 yr old  ALWAYS!!

Its just all making me crazy.  I even considered quitting both jobs and going to bed for a month, just not do anything at all for him or his kids!!

Any advice would be great!!

And  (((((HUGS TO YOU)))))  

If you figure a way through this PLEASE LET ME KNOW before I have a nervous breakdown.

I guess for the last 2 weeks I'VE been the BUG!!

[smtotwo]

I found I feel a LITTLE better.  Frustration has subsided (for now anyway).

I read a girlie almost smut novel, you know the kind like a harlequin romance or something.

I had a long talk with DH last night, we did resolve some issues, but the blame on the older kids is a real sticking point.

He just gives in because the youngest is a WHINER.  To me that is not acceptable.  And it's not just my son, but his oldest bioson too, who gets the blame.  At times the older boys haven't even done anything, but yss fake cries and DH yells at the older boys!!  GRRR!!!

But  Heres hoping that in the light of the morning you too are feeling at least a little better.

Good luck  and again ((((((4honor))))

We're here for ya!!

[onedaddy]

Disengage? How do you do that?  When we went for our mortgage, we fouind out BM took out a $5,000 loan under DH's name and ss# seriuously affenting our rate, BM and SF threaten DH on a continual basis, BM had DH falsely arrested 2x.  DH is sweet and niave, if I leave him to his undevise he will have nothing and I mean nothing.  SD (7) lies constantly and it makes me angry, she says "I love you daddy" only when she wants something.  And runs back to BM with everything.  She is mean to DH ARRRGGH! SS (5) steals, hits and curses like a sailor.  They both cry and WHINE to get their way.  DH feels bad, he doesn't see them enough.  None of this  is acceptable.  BM and Maternal Grandma and Aunt tell skids "don't kiss or hug daddy, don't tell him you love him", etc.  SF is a very violent ex-conwith numerous domestic violence assaults, they have moved 6x in 2 years, SD is starting 2nd grade in her 5th school.  These kids are in the middle of a mess.  But every week, literally it's some new allegation from BM.  I'm tired, I'm angry and worst of all I'm resentful to these skids.  
And we are fighting for custody.

We have been in counseling for sometime, but right before each session some new crazy thing comes up with BM, so that's all we talk about, all I can focus on.  I'm pregnant and can't take anti-depressants, BM will find a way to use it against me in court anyway, as she did with DH.
 
I love DH but often feel like running away myself.  I waited to get married, he dragged me into a mess, skids are more difficult when you have no authority over them.  I cry all the time because I hate this life, but should DH pay for the rest of his life for this huge mistake.  Does BM have a right to ruin both of our lives.  
WHY DID HE MARRY THIS MOMSTER AND STAY WITH HER FOR 10 YEARS?  I didn't marry her, why do I have to deal with this?

Sorry, your post brought out a whole lot of emotions in me.  I don't mean to take away your vent.  All over this forum I hear it's about the kids, the poor kids. Not to sound selfish, but us SP's are here too. I'm fighting tooth and nail for these skids and then I see them treatng DH like sh**!  This is not right.  The counselor and everyone say wait they will realize, their just tring to protect themselves.  I'm sorry it still makes me MAD.  By keeping our mouths shut will we earn respect, will skids no right from wrong if they only see wrong.

[4honor]

I AM feeling better, especially since I confronted DH about his attitude toward BM... That his ONLY job where she is concerned is to try to do what is right for SS and CO-PARENT with BM (I still think BM stands for bowel movement every time I write it).  THen I told him that if he had a legal beef, that is what his attorney is paid for and if he "didn't stop it...well..." and then I left it hanging.

Disengaging... means letting go of the things that make you crazy without letting you mind go as well. In our case, SS is 13. He is rude, he is a pussy one minute ... crying over not winning a board game and a bully... beating his little brothers up with it the next. He constantly says things that hurt DH' feelings... like he doesn't want to have DH name but he would like Grandma's (DH mom)... same last name.  For me, it meant I quit stressing over whether SS was making good grade (he isn't) or whether we had regular visitation with him (almost) or if he ate junk food 7 days a week at BM's and gained 100 lbs this year (yep true too!). I am sweet to him when he is here, but rarely go with DH to pick him up. I do not clean his room - DH does. SS can eat what I cook when I cook  for the family, but if he wants something else he must ask his dad. Leaves alot on DH's strong broad shoulders, but hey, when he needs me to pick up some slack he has earned to ASK.

[smtotwo]

The first thing I did was CALMLY explain, without raising my voice or being nasty, that THESE ARE NOT MY CHILDREN!!  I have 4 of my own, 23, 21, 20 and 13.

I clearly must have done something right because they are all adults (except the 13) living on their own, leading productive lives.  I evenhave 2 new grandbabies, one is 4 months and the other just turned a year!!

There are rules at our house that the kids MUST follow.  This was NOT negotiable.  My sons rules are also the skids rules.  If there is a problem whoever is there at the time deals with it.  Of course for me theres an advantage in that this is MY house.  I TRY really hard not to say that to DH but to his children  I tell them,  MY HOUSE, MY RULES!

We also had a long talk about dealing with the BM.  That is one thing I refuse to do.  2 years ago she claimed I was stalking her, and that I threatened to kidnap the skids from school.  I was actually arrested and spent 6 days in jail.  Because of the threat to the kids they felt I was a danger, BEFORE they even investigated.  During the course of their investigation they found that she had LIED about everything.

DH and I live over 2 hours from her and I work 2 jobs.  One in the morning one in the afternoon 6 days a week.  I must be pretty good if I could stalk her at the same time.

DH actually said to me, that I should just deal with and get over it!!  There were no consequences for her.  Of the  things we discuss this is one I will not bend on at all.  I will not deal with her on any level. When she calls here I won't even answer the phone.  It really chaps her a$$ because she doesn't have any court ordered phone contact so i don't have to answer!!

You need to decide whats important and what your willing to give on.  We deal with things like a negotiation.  Some things I can deal with, some I cant.

Good Luck, and I too took 4honors vent and turned into my own.  
Where else can we go for help?  "normal" people just don't get the problems!!

[prince13]

Yes, I feel like you do. Please remember you are not alone, if that were the case SPARC would not exist. I am the girlfriend of a loving father of 3 whose ex wife constantly causes problems for no reason at all. When she starts her crap (she behaves for a while) again, I always feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. It consumes most of my thoughts if I let it. I try to focus on other things. I find relief in the gym and my treadmill. There is nothing lifting a bunch of dumbbells to make me feel better! LOL!

I will try to make a long story short, but given all the crap she is put us through brevity may be a problem. They have been divorced nearly 5 years, and she has taken him to court 4x in those five years for a variety of things. The most henious was the false accusations in June of 03. Judge saw through it but still managed to reduce his parenting time yet again. This time his daughter's (12 at the time) summer visitiation time was reduced from 10 weeks to 4. It seems everytime we go to court he loses more time. Then in Dec 03 she tried to eliminate his eow visititation. He still lost more time...down to one weekend per month now. At that point he had not seen the kids all fall due to her  PASing those kids. He was also ordered into therapy with the kids even though he had done nothing wrong and it was their Mom. The therapist has been a miracle worker, and this past winter and summer were great..no problems with the Mom. In fact, she even told the therapist before the summer she would be willing to give him is weekend back. I KNEW there had to be a reason. Today we now know it was only for her to get her weekend time during the summer (we are 4 hours apart). It has nothing to do with those kids having more time with their Dad. Now she is renegging on her promise and they still don't have a schedule worked out for the school year so DH has no idea if he will get to see his kids this Fall again.

Her latest is trying to tell us how to parent while the children are at our home as well. She thinks that we need to have the exact same rules here as she does in her home. Talk about a controlling woman! This past weekend the 13 and 11 year old were wrestling (normal for them) and the 13 hurt her wrist...no swelling, no sprain, no break...just minor. Well that prompted Mom to email to say that they have a no touch rule at their house and school has a zero tolerance and the kids can not have different rules in different places. Grrr.... what goes on in my home is my business not hers. Those children are loved and cared for here, but she can't see that.

The therapist is involved and will hopefully see through her crap, but you never know. Secondly, the therapist has taken too long to respond to email requests for a meeting and my DH won't call or do anything in a timely matter. That is my biggest frustration in this mess. He handles things so slowly and I feel caught in the middle. I need to learn to disengage from the situation, but don't really know how to do so. I keep telling myself they are not my kids; not my problem as she is not my ex, but when you love someone as much as I love DH and the are getting hurt it requires emotional involvment on my part. I am so involved with these kids and I don't have any of my own.

I try to get beyond it, but each time I try I end up back in the same place. I vent to my friends, bless them, as I am sure they get sick of hearing the soap opera saga. DH's sister has been great to me to so I am thankful for her as well.

DH and I have not seen a counselor ourselves, but maybe we should. However, it seems that we have our good days and bad days when it comes to this. We have a rule when we start to think she (the ex) is interferring with our relationship and we spend too much time talking about her. Whoever brings her name up has to put a quarter in the beer mug!

Easier? I don't know how to answer that one for you. I thought that is was easier since we had the therapist in the picture and we had a wonderful summer with the kids without too much (lot less than normal) interference from the ex, but now that they are back in her care she is starting her games again. So, I don't know. I think I am just resloving myself to accept the fact that she will NEVER get and wont change so all I can do is change my reaction to it, and attempt to live my life as I normally would without letting her rule it from a distance. I try to disengage and request that my DH not give me all the details of what goes on in therapy and the courtroom and lawyers offices and just enjoy the kids (they are such great kids) when they are in my care. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just have to know!

Put you out of your misery? I hear you on that one. There are days where I think they only thing I should do is walk away from this relationship so I won't have to deal with the BS anylonger, but then I think of ALL the good things about my DH and I can't do that. I just need to learn to deal with it better. I was in a bad marriage with an alcoholic, and now that I have found someone who I consider a soulmate and who treats me like I should be treated I can't just throw that away due to some ex who is mental. Granted, there are days  I would like to, but that would be the easy way out. Heck, if our relationshi can handle this crap, as it does test you to the limits, as you know first hand, we should be able to handle anything.

Hugs to you, as you definitely need them right now. I hope that things get better for you soon.

[smtotwo]

there isn't anything we can't handle.   In our case I knew the skids and their mom before I met DH, I had worked for her mother.  So all I knew about the divorce and custody was the bullshi* she was feeding her mother, over and over.

When I met DH it was several weeks before ex's mother realized who he was and felt it was "her duty as my friend" to  fill me in.  But, by then I had heard some of his side, still not knowing who the other person was!!

I finally quit my job when ex's mother told my daughter, who did dishes at her restaurant, that I was probably doing drugs because I spent so much time with DH.

I have since lived through sooo much more than I ever thought I could handle!!

I do on occasion leave to stay at my best-friends house.  Our older kids are very close in age.  ANd we've been friends for 26ish years.  

It does help just to get away.  This past weekend I was off work for the whole weekend from both jobs!! Talk about DIVINE INTERVENTION!!
I went rummage saling at a city wide sale!!

Feeds 2 needs at once, the shopping addiction and time alone.

I hope you all keep coming here as it has soooo been my saving grace  over and over and over!!


THANKS EVERYBODY!!!!