I Hate My Stepkids!

[evilstep]

I know that sounds awful, but I really do.  They have just caused so much pain to DH, and they don't even care!  I know, I know... the experts would tell me to think about the "poor children", and how much pain they must be in, etc... BULLSH**!  These kids have been playing this thing right from the start, and they're still doing it now!  I am just disgusted by them!  Since the whole blow-up, and their subsequent snubbing of DH, I can't even speak their names--when talking to DH, I refer to them as "K--'s kids".  I know that I'm a horrible person to feel this way, but I didn't start out like this--I really did want to make a family, not just with DH but with his kids, too.  But they wouldn't even try.  DH said yesterday, "All I wanted was a happy family, and K-- took that from me.  Then, I was given a second chance, and my own kids have taken it from me."

I hope for DH's sake that this whole mess is somehow resolved, but I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be in the same room with them again!  I am so angry with the way that they have treated DH, when all he's done is try to make things easier for them!  He's not World's Greatest Dad, but he wants to be, and he really was trying, before the crap hit the fan!  He's a decent, hard-working man, and he's more of a father than those brats deserve!  

Does anyone else ever feel this way, like you honestly hate the skids?  Is there anyone who's been there, and gotten past it?

[wendl]

Can I ask how old the kids are???


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[evilstep]

SS is 14, SD is almost 13.  

[joni]

I empathize with you, I really do.  I understand how this can happen.  On top of it...you're having to deal with teen hormones which aggravates the situation.

Children live what they learn.  K--'s kids have been taught, by mom, how to hate, manipulate, extort and disrespect their father.  I honestly don't see these kids having any sort of ephihany about their father until their 20's.  Too much damage has been done.

I could suggest family counseling for him and his kids...his kids, not yours and see if that salvages anything.  But...with mom's interference, that probably will be counterproductive.

You're in the process of emotionally detaching from his kids.  The beauty of them being his kids is that you can, you must, do this for your sanity.

Several people on this board recommended a great book to me when I went through a similar emotional situation over my SD.  I posted on this board and at the same exact moment, two members here recommended the same book to me.

It's a fast read, a small book and it may give you some insight on how to heal yourself.  Right now, given the dysfuncitonality of your situation, you have to take care of yourself and let your husband and his first family fend for themselves.

http://www.miguelruiz.com/agreements.html

[ECP9971]

I hear and understand your pain. I haven't hated my step-kids but I have been very upset with them before.

I have a 13 yr old SS and an almost 15 yr old SD.

SD went through a stage where we were trash and mom was the best thing that walk on this planet. It didn't matter that mom walked out on the family two years ago for another man and had the kids lie before that when she was cheating on DH. It didn't matter that mom NEVER saw them or did anything for them (visit...support...phone calls...etc) for two years. DH had to have the court order her to drive the children to and from school while he was in work and she sometimes couldn't even do that.

We got married this past April and it's been H**L ever since. I have about lost my mind by now. We didn't see SD at all this past summer. We tried to but she would yell and scream at her dad so much that we couldn't deal any more and brought her back.

It all turned around tho when her new step father (the man mom left dad for) ripped her radio out of the wall and broke it. Then he kicked SD out late one night...next day mom called me and said she was dropping off SD here to live again and going back to him. Come to find out they used to fight all the time. There was drinking and DV involved too. I found letters about three weeks latter that my SD wrote saying noone in this world wanted her and she just wanted to kill herself. Needless to say SD is now in counseling and getting extra attention from us.

SS is starting his thing now but it's not as bad and I have already told both children they are not moving to moms any more...they can visit but will not move there no matter what they think they want. Until their step father and their mom get help, it's not a safe place to be on a day to day basis.

SKids can be a joy and very hurtful too. Mine say things to me all the time about how great things were when they had mom and dad together. About the fun times as a family...they seem to forget the bad. But that is for the best for them anyway and I am grown so I have to deal. They only have told me one thing that knocked me off my feet and that was this morning when everything is going great in our house...so go figure.

Hang in there and try to stay in touch with the big picture. At some point they will see the side of mom that you see...but you cannot be the one to point it out or else your the bad guy no matter what. Be supportive even if it's fake at first.

[barbie]

I have felt that way about my SS. He is now 14.  He has always been a bully to my 2 younger children.  But you know, there is not a person in this world that looks after my two children more than he does. (except of course myself and my husband)

I have, many times, been to the point, and said so to him, that he isn't welcome in our home unless he follows our rules.  This usually straightens him up for the next visit or two.  Unfortunately, then it starts all over again.

In all honesty, I feel sorry for him.  I believe he acts out for attention.  He doesn't receive it from his mom or stepdad.  They are always gone.  

I am not going to tell you to "try" to spend time with them and maybe it will get better.  I know your frustration in not even wanting to see them.  I fully sympathize with you.

I don't really have advise, just want you to know you are not alone in the way you feel.  

I just hope and pray for you that they don't cause problems for you and your spouse before they are old enough to get out on their own!!!