Lost in this mess called my life (vent/need advice)...

[ECP9971]

I have lost all control of my life and it seems my mind. If someone can pass along some advice I would be so thankful. Might end up being kinda a long post and I will say sorry from the start...

For the past year and a half life has been messed.

I moved from MA to NC to try and make a better life for my kids and myself (April 2003). This is where my family lives (they moved here years ago). I have four boys by three different fathers. My middle two are involved with their dad. The oldest's father never paid him much mind and the youngest's father is not a good person at all. I got a lump of $ from my mother that couldn't buy us a house even in a bad neighborhood in MA but could buy us a nice place in NC. I couldn't support my boys no matter how much I worked in MA and I had no help cause my family was so far away (in NC). So I decided we were going to move...well the judge wouldn't let the middle two (11 & 10 yr olds) move so I got the visitation schedule I was offering my ex. I have all school vacations and all summer with them (which kills me but the boys are doing good with it...they say they are like a teasured gift that me and their dad both want to we share them). I get to talk to them every night and when they are with me their dad talks with them every night. It is killing me to be away from them and it is only getting worse as time goes on.

I met my husband at my old work here in NC and we were friends for a bit...we started dating in Feburary 2004 and got married quickly (April 2004). His ex wife left two years before that for the man she married in May of this year. My husband had their two children (SS 13 and SD 15) for the whole two years. Mom never did much of anything for these kids. Dad worked full-time to support the kids cause mom didn't pay CS at all...heck...she didn't work either.

Things were okay at first...the kids ruled the house which I couldn't deal with and we made some changes a little at a time until it became part of life in this house. Mom and her whole family were working against us with the kids...telling them everything we did or didn't do was wrong. But we held strong.

SD lost it and gave me the "your not my mother" deal and decided to move to mom's house cause I told her not to yell at her dad. Mind you...mom hadn't been there much at all for two years...dad had to take her to court to get her to even drive the kids to and from school. The kids had never been to a dentist at all and hadn't had a physical in seven years. She didn't see us the whole summer...we tired to make her come and it was not stop yelling and fighting until we brought her back to mom's. She ended up moving back in when her step father kicked her out in a fit of rage...mom brought here to me the next day. She didn't want to come back because we have rules and mom didn't. Come to find out she was feeling very unwanted in life because mom left her behind when she left dad and then turned her back on her again and went back to her new husband when he kicked out SD. We let her move to mom's at the start of the summer cause that is what she wanted but I think that made her feel unwanted too. Well I found a letter to her friend in the back of my van saying she was unwanted and unlove on this earth and wanted to kill herself. that no one would miss her. I got her into counseling right away. I spent the whole day on the phone trying to find the right places to go. Mom knew but didn't do anything to help find the right place...she did come visit with her for a couple of hours for the first time in about a month...not our doing...her own. So now I drive my SD to counseling (50 mins one way) every week. because she needs it and there is no one else to do it.

SS thinks mom is great even though I am the one who took him to the dentist for the first time ever to have a bad tooth removed. Even though I am the one who took him to get his shoes for football...even though I am the one who picks him up every day from football practice...even though I am the one who cooks, cleans, hugs and loves him. Mom can't even bother to call after his tooth is removed (she knew because I call her and let her know ANY thing that happens with the kids...that is what I would want so I give her the same). Even though mom doesn't come to football games and I wont miss one at all...even though mom doesn't stick up for him when he is having problems at school with the teacher...she is still better then me.

My oldest son (14 yrs old) and DH butt heads all the time. SD can talk back but god forbid my oldest do that. It's a big fight. DH told him to "get his a** to your bed" I would NEVER cuss at his children...I do not want him cussing at mine. My oldest is having a hard time right now anyway cause his baby brother (his dad's other child) died by drowning in a pool and he was only 3 yrs old. So he is just not himself and I can't blame him. I am upset about it too and he wasn't my child.

My youngest son has ADHD VERY badly...and is always having issues. He is the youngest of them all (9 yrs old) and the only one who will play with him is in MA most of the year (the 10 yr old). My SS and him fight non-stop and it drives me crazy. I try not to be unfair but I am so protective over my youngest that I think I am sometimes.

My DH works hard to take care of us and I babysit a 3 & 4 yr old to help out bill wise. They are my baby nephews (my sister's grandbabies) so I have them alot for not much $ but my neice is trying to go to school and work as a single mother at age 22. I have them over night for at least two nights a week. My 14 yr old gets child support and my youngest gets SSI. I finally got DH to take his ex to social services to get child support...heck...her and her husband work and hardly have any bills at all but yet when the kids ask her for $ for anything thing she can't do it. We bought all six kids their school supplies and she did give SD 30.00 to get some clothes but that is it. Nothing for SS. We asked her to help and she was supposed to get back to us but she never did...so I filled out the forms for social services and brought them there...DH would have taken forever to do it...if at all. We are about to lose our van cause of non-payment...DH gets medical through his job but we have to pay the co-payment of 30.00 every visit to the doctor (which in the past two weeks has been alot with my SD).

I am tired of doing everything for everybody...I am tired of being the only one making doctors appointments...I am tired of being the one all the kids call when they need something...I am tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry. I have to pull teeth to get the kids to do their one chore a day...if I don't tell them it's bed time then it ends up being 9:30 or 10 before they go to bed...cause I tried it one night to see if my DH would step up to the plate...NOPE! Ya know the thanks I get...my SD and SS tell me this morning about a video they found of their mom and dad in bed...I really didn't want to hear about that...I told my husband about it and he can't understand why I was so upset about it. Hey...maybe it's just me...who knows. At least he got rid of it before we got married...he had it for the two years they were broke up and while we were dating...

I just feel like I am losing it...I needed to vent to someone and if you read this far...sorry for making it so long. I sound like a big cry baby but I miss my boys in MA and I can't take much more of the bull here...

[joni]

Reading your story I can't help but feel frustrated for you.  Here you totally sacrificied for all of your kids, trying to give them a better life, giving up your middle two to their dad.  

I would feel as though, here you are doing right by everyone else and no one is doing right by you.  It's not fair, it sucks.

It's really hard too, when you see a BM not give two hoots about the kids and no matter what, how much the kids love the mom unconditionally or are desperate for her love....with you on the backburner.  That I know from personal experience and will never get that.

Top that off with you dealing with stepkids at the height of their hormonal craziness.  I know how it feels to not catch a break and you feel like your head is always under water.

I don't know the answer or how to do it but I do know that the only way the quality of your life is going to improve is that you have to take care of yourself, put yourself first and prioritize your life for yourself.  After that, let everything fall into place...and it will.

[ECP9971]

Thank you...more than you know...thank you.

Just to know I am not crazy and that someone understand means more to me than anything.

I tell my family I am going on "break" and I sit in the living room doing my woodburning (the smell of the wood burning sometimes calms me). It sometimes helps but not often cause DH doesn't stop the kids from fighting and if it's not stopped they only get worse. Most of the time he takes a cap nap when he gets home from work in his chair and can sleep through their bull.

It gets me...I work just as hard as he does at his job here at home but when he gets home he can leave his work at work. I don't get to leave my work...when do I get home? LOL

Anyway...thank you

[joni]

I KNOW!

don't even get me started on the "coming home from work and doing nothing cause I work a real job" conversation.....another favorite is that "I'm tired, I worked all day and I'm going to bed" and leaves me up with both of the kids.  I love that one too.

[ECP9971]

Oh No...He has tired that once or twice and I wont let him go to bed until the kids go to bed for the night...I get up in the morning to make sure he gets up cause he can sleep right through the alarm going off. So I am up just as long as him. Although he falls asleep in his chair while watching tv but if I "slip" and drop something...;-) he gets woken up.

One day he took off of work to come to a doctors appointment with me (I have to get an operation 10/11 on a nerve in my arm and was scared to go to the doctors alone) and he saw what my day was like getting the kids off to school and all their "issues" every morning and then dealing with my baby nephews who have more energy then should be aloud. LOL

Just wait until my operation...I will be laid up for a few days and on pain meds. I wont care if the house is a mess and he is going to have to do my job for once...ALL OF IT! I cannot wait. LOL

[Kitty C.]

Dr. Phil had a couple on there who thought the other had it 'easier' than the other.  He worked with a carpet cleaning co. and she was a SAHM.  So they traded places for the day!  BOTH came away with a better appreciation for what the other did!

The funny part was the 'list' she gave him for the day, and he barely made it thru half!  Then watching her try to lug yards and yards of hosing up and down stairs and thru windows.  They both ended up thinking the other had it HARDER!

You gotta let us know how he does during your 'recuperation', LOL!  And just an FYI, if what you're having surgery for is carpal tunnel, you might also want to consider chiropractic......I had BOTH arms/hands affected (numbness, tingling, and pain) and had both resolved thru less than 10 sessions.  My SIL had surgery on one, but used a chiropractor on the other, and neither of us have had problems since.  And we both have repetative desk jobs. Just a suggestion, cuz what can work for one, may not work for another.........

[ECP9971]

Hey...

I wish I had seen that show. As long as the house doesn't fall down and the kids keep their hands, feet, fists, bloody weapons, kitchen sink *LOL* off each other. I will be happy.

What I am having it for is cubital tunnel which stems from the elbow. We have tried so many things and nothing has work so it's off to surgery. I am so thin in my arms it shouldn't be too hard to do the doctor said. So I should recover quickly. But I am sure going to enjoy my two or three days "off".

Thank you very much for the suggestion tho...that was sweet of ya...

Have a great day

[wendl]

I saw that Dr Phi show too.

I know how you feel, I work fulltime, and so does my dh, we rarely see eachother during the week cuz he works the night shift and I work days. I leave at 8am drop my son off to school, get off at 5 then go to my sons football, between my sons sports many times I don't get home til around 10pm.

But the house still needs cleaning, dishes, laundry, uniforms, homework. DH does nothing before he leaves for work, he gets up at 1pm and doesnt do anything til he goes to work at 4pm.  

Then eow week have my husbands two kids and I USED to do everything for them as well, cook clean etc.

Well I have slowly put a stop to that, Mondays my 12yr cooks dinner, Weekends EVERYONE does stuff, kids get dirtly clothes together, they must sort them, and put them in baskets for me to do. Then they have to help me fold them and put their stuff away, every child has to clear their plates and rinse them, each of the kids have weekend chores to do and must be done before they can do anything else.

Let me tell you the weekends are much nicer now. During the week if I am running with sports, I let the house go, who cares, I would rather keep my sanity then a SPOTLESS house.

I also bought this kids cookbook, on the weekends each child picks out a dish from this cookbook, they go shoppping with me for the food for the dinner, then they help me with what they pick, so each night one child helps me make dinner.

I did have a problem with my 12yr not helping around the house, so I said fine you can be the adult all week, each monring before I left for work, I gave my son a list of things I usually did when I got home from work, LMAO he lasted 1 day, he said he didn't want to be an adult anymore and since then as been much more helpful.

The reason your stepkids come to you, is they know you will be there, they know what their mother is and want her so much to be a mother, you will be appreciated by them later in life, believe me I have been their as a cihld now my stepmom is so important to me, as a adult I still know I can go to my stepmom no matter what and she will be there as were my mom won't.

My son has a usless father and my sons love him sooo much, but he knows what his dad is, he learned that on his own, he knows his stepfather is here for him always, it's hard on kids when a parent pushes them away (my mom did that to me) my son like myself tried to get his other parent to love him and feel loved, in hopes even though we know they wont change, the hope is always there.

Things will get better, you really need to take a day to YOURSELF, leave the house and go get your nails done, go to coffee with friends, anything just get out of the house for YOU time.

:)
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[ECP9971]

>
>The reason your stepkids come to you, is they know you will be
>there, they know what their mother is and want her so much to
>be a mother, you will be appreciated by them later in life,
>believe me I have been their as a cihld now my stepmom is so
>important to me, as a adult I still know I can go to my
>stepmom no matter what and she will be there as were my mom
>won't.
>

Thank you for your reply...what you said here hit home and I am going to keep this in mind everytime I go to lose it.

Yesterday started out sh*tty and turned around big time.

I was dreading driving an hour to my SD counseling appointment sitting there for 1 1/2 hrs with a 2, 4 & 9 yr old while she was in there (more so because of them bring up the tape they had seen of mom and dad-and still being kinda hurt about it-cause they are old enough to know that could hurt). Well...I picked her up from school and she handed me this note while I was driving (I told her I would read it when we got there cause these country roads are hard enough to drive on never mind trying to read a note too *LOL*). This is what it said:

(My name),

Hey what's up? Not much here but being bored. What have you been doing? Thank you for being so great at being a stepmom. You are way cool. Thank you for always being there for me when I need you. You are always there for me when I need you the most. I honestly and from the bottom of my heart thank you with all my heart. You might not be my real mom but I sure love you like you are. You are fun to hang with and way kewl to talk to. You are easy going and now I have you to show off. You are one of a kind and you are mine. I am lucky to have such a great stepmom like you. I love you so much I can't even explain how much I love you. But I know one thing you are mine and I would not trade you for anything in the world. Thank you for being my stepmom. Even though I can be a brat some times when I don't get my way. But I have realized I wont always get my way. But I got what I have always wanted. I got you. I love you.

Love,
(SD's name)

The tears just rolled. On the way home we had a real heart to heart about what happened the day before and my feelings towards that matter and also a big time opening up from her about stuff she hasn't told a soul. Man...what a day...then...

My SS's football team won their game and I couldn't have been prouder. Watching him in his uniform turning around to smile and wave to us. Of course BM wasn't there...but we were and that made it good for him. He was telling his friends to look for the parents with the most kids in the stand and that would be us...LOL

Somedays it feels like it's not worth it and others blow me away...

[wendl]

Well that is wonderfull, see they love and appreciate you, many times kids just don't show it how we feel they should.

Sounds like you have a been a great stepmom and I know its not easy, my stepkids and I struggled a little at 1st but we are now close, and oss after 4yrs is warming up to me, yss took to me right away.

When you are down, take out that letter sd wrote and read it, and remember that day she gave it to you and how your ss was waving at you in the stands.

:)
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**