How could she?!

[LizaLou1]

I suppose this is primarily a vent.  OSS came to live with us under unusal circumstances in August.  

For a year OSS had been telling is mom he wanted to live with DH.  There were problems in their house because the OSS was beginning to see the PAS tactics used.  He stopped buying into her lies and told her he would not particpate anymore.  BM, grandparents, and her kids by a previous marriage called him a traitor and started to treat him badly.  It really escalated after he returned home from summer visitation.  DH had filed for custody during the summer.  While BM was in jail for contempt of court, the Grandmother kicked OSS out of the home basically because he was a "traitor" and refused to slam his dad.  We got about 4 hours notice that he would be arriving by plane at an airport 1.5 hours away (not our local airport).  He arrived safely and we got home about midnight.

He as been no problem to us, but that is not to say he has no problems.  His confusion is great.  When his mom got out of jail, she agreed with the grandmother's decision to kick him out.  She gave away all his things to Goodwill and blames everything (including her jail time) on him.   She sent him nothing on his birthday except some weird card about "choosing your own path" and "being different from others".  I'm telling you she had to search long and hard for a greeting card like that.  This weekend she sent a pair of shoes  (we bought this summer) and a shirt.  The only reason they were not given away is because she thought they belonged to the YSS.  She also included the book, In Search of Meaning" by Viktor Frankl.  Its about a man's experience in a Nazi prison camp who survived to invent some new psychotherapy.  I suppose it's  to support her theory he has been "brain washed" by DH.

The boy can't sleep and is struggling in school because he just zones out.  His worries are eating him up.   He is so afraid his mother hates him.   Quite frankly she treats him awful.  She has spoken with him twice, both times screaming, cussing and saying "he" was the problem.    She didn't even show up for the temporary custody hearing She told him she does not want to see him for the holidays.  

Last year the court ordered an eval by a counselor selected by the Judge.  He testified as to PA by the mother in court.  Even though not required, DH thought it best to continue contact with this counselor and the children were seen by him at least once for every visitation.  That will really pay off now, because OSS really needs help and already knows this guy.

This is the classic result of PA manipulation and the child is the real victim.  He is afriad of losing his mother's love because he ALSO loves his father.  This is all so unfair, he's just a kid.   Ok, I'm done.

LizaLou

[steprealmom]

How old is OSS?

I am confused that she sent the shoes to you because she thought they were YSS, is YSS her son also or another child by your DH?

I am so sorry you are going thru this.  I am afraid that this type of thing may happen to us as my SD gets older and starts figuring things out for herself.  It is very sad that these BM's do this and then blame the child and the DH.  The thing I just can't understand is how that they don't see how much this hurts the children when they supposed did all they did for the child(ren).

I am glad to hear that you have a counselor for your OSS I will pray that this all work out for all of you.

I know it helps to vent so I am glad you did.

[LizaLou1]

Thanks for your prayers.  

To answer your question, BM didn't throw the shoes away because she thought they belonged to YSS who still lives with her.  When she finally figured out they belonged to the OSS (last week) she sent them.  A little late, because we had already bought him 2 new pair of shoes and a bunch of clothes because he came with very little in one duffel bag.

LizaLou

[steprealmom]

How old is OSS?  I just want to know so I know about what age a child may start figuring out that the BM is doing the PA?

[Kitty C.]

It all depends on each individual person.  SS is 10 and we started to see the beginning of the end last year during his baseball season.  DH couldn't go to the games during the week, so I went to them all.  After one game, I happened to pass SS and PBFH on my way to the car.  I told SS he had played a good game and said (VERY politely) 'Hi, XXXXX,' and kept walking.

The next weekend SS was with us, I asked him if he'd gotten into trouble for what I'd said (has happened in the past).  He rolled his eyes, got a disgusted look on his face and said that after I had passed, she had repeated what I said VERY sarcastically and with a face.......RIGHT TO SS!  It was obvious that he lost all respect he had for her right then and there.  Since then, he's gotten MUCH braver in standing up for himself to her, even calling her on some of her BS and paranoia with us.

I think that PBFH has no clue as to the depth of SS's love for me.  I found it out last Feb., when DS and I moved back in after 3 weeks.  The first time he came over after that, he FLEW into my arms and was crying, he was so glad to see me!  

So it depends on so many things, it's really hard to say.  In our case, it's a mixture of a lot of things.  One being that SS's personality (and his independence!) are showing he truly is his father's son!  Another being PBFH and saying the WRONG thing at the WRONG time.  I think SS may have questioned what PBFH said and did before that, but her actions in just that one instance kind of sealed the deal for him.

It's more of being in the right place at the right time!

[LizaLou1]

The PAS influence really surfaced at age 13.  He started see to things at age 14 but was in denial until age 15, divorced occurred at age 12.  

But, in reality, it depends on the kid and the circumstances.

[4honor]

Gotta alow those burns to heal before you expose him to the heat.

I hate it when women do this kind of this to their sons (especially) as it does such a number on their future relationships.

[smtotwo]

Already they steal, lie, and are abusive to animals.  They are only 10 & 8.

In another 3-4 yrs, they will be totally out of her control, she will blame DH and I, then send them to live here when she can't handle them.

Completly denying that any of it could be because of what she's done.

Family Counseling starts Nov. 6th.  Wish us luck!!