Has anyone's ex gotten re-married and totally changed?

[Wi-Mom]

What the heck???

My ex and I have been divorced for almost 5 years. I started dating my DH 4 years ago, and on Sept 4th 2004 we got married. After such a long relationship not much changed we just made it official.

Then, my ex.. who'd not dated at all since our divorce started dating a girl a few weeks before my wedding. Sept 20th he married her! After dating only one month! Everyone was shocked, especially our kids. They just went off on a Friday and got hitched.. then told the kids the next day.

I haven't seen much of my ex since then.. we'd had a very amicable relationship I think most of you know... at least once a week he'd have dinner with us and the kids, we spent all holidays together.. he walked in the door anytime he wanted and stayed as long as he liked.

So now he's taken up smoking cuz she does and literally smokes like 2 packs a day.. totally new... and around me he's acting so incredibly cocky like he's better then everyone else. She seems like a real nice girl but the kids are starting to complain a bit.. and I don't like what I'm hearing about the way she diciplines her own daughter. (Slapping her so hard accross the back of the head she flew to the floor).

She talks constantly about their sex life in front of the kids.. and last night my ex told our 13 year old son that he and his wife have had sex every single night since they got married. My son told my mother he said this and asked her.. "Grandma, is that even good for you?" Which are things I don't need him wondering at his age!!

I can't tell you how unlike the person I was married to for 15 years he's become suddenly! My youngest son made a list of all the ways his father changed and two nights ago gave it to his dad. He laughed at the list until DS started crying. One of the things was the sex talk. Another the smoking. He didn't apologize for any of it.. but took DS to the movies. (smoothed it over) Then last night DS asked him if he could spend the night .. cuz since the marriage my ex has not been letting him.. and that is when he told him about their nightly sex. He said that her kids take out their hearing aids when they go to bed but since DS can hear just fine he can't spend the night because they make too much noise.

He was NOTHING like this... NOTHING.. before he met her. WHAT THE HECK??? What's happening????

[kitten]

Not cool at all!  My ex finally "fell in love" a few months ago.  My girls really like her which is good.  But, yes he is the opposite of who I was married to, but luckily he has become a better man and father.  I guess you just never know what someone can bring out in a person!

[Kitty C.]

......and I'm NOT talking about the new wife!  It also sounds like the kids will NEVER be staying overnight there agin, unless their sex life starts to taper off or he ditches her.

I'd be highly suspicious of anyone who could cause that much change that quickly in someone else.  And the way she 'disciplines' her own daughter is nothing short of physical abuse.  All I can tell you is to stay on your toes.  I'm sure you and the kids aren't the only ones who notice the change and have told him about it.  But until he can acknowledge it himself, NOTHING is going to happen.

In the meantime, you really need to remind him that his sex life is NOT open for discussion with his children.....as that is also a form of abuse.  If it continues, I recommend contacting a therapist who deals strictly with kids, preferably on sexual issues.  That professional can make the decision of whether he's crossed the line (IMO, he already has) and report him for abuse.

And you also need to tell the kids that if the new SM every lays a hand on them like she does her own daughter, they need to tell SOMEBODY about it, even if they feel they can't tell you.  Preferably a teacher or some other mandatory reporter.

[kitten]

I agree with Kitty!  

[Davy]

.... a total about face in life when she feared her adultrous behavior being exposed by her paramour's wife in their divorce proceedings...
a different relationship debacle than what you are experiencing.

PERHAPS your ex was holding out hope of reconciliation, consciously or unconsciously, with the precious mother of his precious children.  Your new marriage ended the hope of reconciliation so he just took on a just screw it mindset and so he is without regard to the sake of the children or himself.   Matters are likely to get worst until he deals with himself.    

[Wi-Mom]

I've gone over and over the conversation in my head... this is what I see happening.....


ME: "Your sex life is NOT to be a topic of discussion between you and our children."

HIM: "You know I've always been very open about that subject." (I've heard him say this to the kids when he sees their mouths drop open when he talks like that...because it's not true. )

ME: "That is NOT true and you know it. You suddenly came up with that line just to justify your own sudden change in behavior. You're not fooling anyone. You've never been open about that subject! I don't remember you discussing OUR sex life EVER with OUR children." (I need an example of how that's not true)

HIM: "That's because there was no sex life."

ME: "I don't know why I have to keep reminding you that we have three children (he ignores them) thus there was a sex life."

HIM: "Not at the end there wasn't."

ME: "Well.. I guarantee you that if you start calling your new wife a stupid B*tch every time you get angry your sex life will come to the same end."

HIM: "Well.. the shoe doesn't fit this time...."

End of conversation ... I lose.

[Stepmomnow]

Suggested rewrite (yes, I don't know the man, but...)

ME:  SS has told me that he is a little uncomfortable with your discussions with him of your sex life with SM.  You may want to think about not mentioning it, because you don't want SS to start thinking of SM in a sexual way.  He is getting older and it may complicate her relationship with him.

HIM:  ""You know I've always been very open about that subject." (I've heard him say this to the kids when he sees their mouths drop open when he talks like that...because it's not true. )

ME:  Well, I am just thinking of SS's adjustment to SM and making it as easy as possible for him to respect her authority as a stepparent.


Two things - You do not have the authority to dictate what the ex does or does not say to SS, so trying to order him to not bring it up is a tactial mistake.

Also, do not get pulled off into a discussion of your sex life with him.  Not relative and not important to the discussion of SS.  By approaching it from the point of view of what is best for SS and SM's relationship, you take your own reactions out of the discussion.

Just my suggestions...

[kitten]

"I am asking you as the mother of our children to please try to be a little more discreet."