SM getting blamed for BM's BS

[littlebit]

Hi all.  I am littlebit's SM.  (Usually Dad posts here.)  I'll give some history of past events first and try to be brief.  

I hemmed SS's new jeans.  BM told him that I made them too short so she had to throw them away.

I hemmed SS's hunting suit.  Next season they needed to be taken out, BM insisted to SS that she do it.  She waited until the last minute, then tore out the old hem to where it ripped the fabric up pretty badly, then hemmed them up with big safety pins!  She explained to SS that safety pins are better because they wont tear his clothes up the way my sewing did, and they are easier to take out!

I took SS for a day at the "kids-explore-museum".  He had the most wonderful time!  Few weeks later, he said BM took him to the Firehouse because thats were big kids go, instead of the little kiddie museum that is for babies.

I highlighted SS's hair during the summer.  He wanted it done because his big brothers were doing it.  He was so proud of it, and even bragged to BM on the phone about it.  First day back to her house, she buzzed his whole head with a #1!  He said it was because the highlights were done so bad they couldn't be fixed, but his BM was gonna do it right when his hair grew back.

SS picked-out a book bag & I bought it for him.  BM put it up in her closet because he "didn't need that kind".

OK, now to the present.  SS wanted blue hair for Halloween.  It was the kind that washes out in 8-10 washes.  Guess what...another buzz!  

This time he is directly blaming me and I am losing all patience with this vindictive woman!@#$!  SS lashed out at me saying it's all my fault he had to get a buzz.

I am tired of keeping quiet and saying and doing nothing.  I am sick of sitting back and watching this crazy lady destroy this child's mentals!  I am sick of getting blamed for her spiteful actions.

Here's the question:  How do I explain to SS that it is not me doing things wrong?  Or do I just continue to suck it up until I just rupture?

[wendl]

Personally I would explain to him that since you and mom have differing opinions on things (like hair, sewing etc) that unfornuatley you will not be able to do any of these things anymore unless you have his mothers permission. This way you are putting the ball back in moms court.

It's not his fault for the way his mother is HOWEVER don't make yourself a target anymore, let her be the bad guy.

We all know if you confront the mom it will only make matters worse and she will be on her high  horse for knowing she pissed you off.

JMO


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[skye]

hubbys PBFH is just like this... I tell her she should not be so insecure, I tell the boys THINK about it think about what I did and what she said I did and form their own opinion.

Dont get upset with it she is trying to make them not like you cause you do things better then her and she is scared that they will like you more.  You can sew she cannot and so on...

she is insecure in her place and there is nothing you can do but ignore and tell the kid to form their own opinion ...think about who did what based on facts he saw and what she said and let it go.

[sad stepmother]

It looks to me that BM is dealing with some serious jealousy issues.  Her precious son has another "Mother" that loves and cares for him too.  I agree with the other posts and that BM is insecure and instead of sending a positive message to SS by encouraging a good relationship between you and SS instead she wants to have a savior complex.  She is afraid that SS will love you more.  As both a BM and SM I kind of understand BM's fears but she doesn't understand how much she is harming her own Son by her behavior, and that as SS grows older he will form his own opinions on how he views her actions and yours.

Because of BM's constant negative comments about you to SS, your probably better off letting her take care of things.  It's difficult because you would rather strangle her than let her have her way, but someone needs to be the adult here.  When BM makes a negative comment about you to SS and SS tells you about it, the best way to respond is by telling SS "I'm sorry if your mother said that. " This shows that you care by acknowledging SS's statement and feelings, but allows you to be the ADULT by not immediately putting down SS's BM, and will allow SS to form his own conclusions.

I have a 7 year old SS and have battled with BM's jealously, putt downs and false accusiations since day one.( 5 years now) This can be very frustrating and though I am no expert, I have seen the damage that the last several years of constant conflicts have done to him.  My SS actually started getting migraines and oddly enough when I chose to be the ADULT and changed my approach to handling all of BM's BS.  I noticed that SS's migraines subsided, and my relationship with SS improved. (as SS was angry at me for all od BM's BS too)  

Good luck!
SSM

[4honor]

Instead of responding to the symptoms (BM's BS) respond to the disease... that SS cannot understand the consequences of his actions.

You need to have discussions about consequences (apart from buzz cuts and throwing away clothing) and help him understand that whether it is fair or not, there is a consequence to his choices, and people respond based on their own biased perception. It isn't always right or fair, but that's the way it is.

Then, if/when it happens again (as it will ALWAYS happen again with PBFH) you can point to SS's choice to turn his hair blue and he knows his mother's historic response is a buzz cut... you can discuss before hand in preparation, or after the fact.

In our case, we have gotten SS to realize that we and BM have different ways of doing things, and if he does certain things at our house, he may not get the response he wants at BM's... which leads him to pass on certain things if he thinks BM is going to have a cow.  He also does not take certain toys to our home, as we have made a spiritual stand and will not have them in our home (ouija boards for example). SS will learn that putting you in the middle is just as uncomfortable for him.

Besides, teaching him to be diplomatic and to think about his choices is a good tool.

[rini]

Hello

first of all unless your husband is the custodial parent and has the right to make these decisions i really cant blame BM for being angry.

You dont have the right to change the childs hair color allow piercings or give permission for any of the above.

if my kids came home from dads with a different haircolor or any thing changed of a permanent nature such as an extreme hair cut to be honest any hair cut i would be furious.

now to look at it from the other side

my step daughter was here all summer.

my daughter is 13 and i allowed her to have her hair highlighted a little in the front.  3 little streaks on each side of a neutral lightener.

my step daughter saw and basically demanded to have hers done the same way.  I responded that it was her mother's decision not mine.  I insisted that she confer with mom who of course said wait til you come home.

sure she was mad at me.  but it is just not my place to make these sort of changes.

if you and your husband are the custodial parents you have the standing to make these types of decisions .

if not you are relegated to bowing to moms supreme knowingness

the more often you step up and try to take her place the more often you will find she is going to do everything in her power to stop you.

give her the respect and either send the kid back the way he comes to your house or expect that she is going to be really really pissed.

yes its trivial

yes its insecurity

bottom line its her call not yours

I am not bashing just suggesting that you take another approach to relating to your step son.
\

by the way how old is he i am guessing he is around 8 or 9?

rini

[wendl]

Rini,

In regards to haircuts, my husband differs on this part, he has joint legal, however, he is from a military family and he does not approve of long hair for boys, sooooo if mom doesn't cut their hair, dh takes them to the barber, now if his boys were old enough to remember to comb their hair daily he may feel differently, but until that happens, he will let it get so long and wait to see if mom cuts it, if she doesn't again he will take them to get it done.

[junglechicken]

nm

[littlebit]

I don't necessarily agree with all you said, but thanks for the opinions nontheless.  I try to keep an open mind, and your post gives me some things to think about.

SS is 11.  DH has joint custody with BM being the primary residence, so each parent has (in theory) equal decision-making capabilities.

Fortunately, SS is beginning to form his own opinions without any input from us at all.  He is starting to question BM's actions and motives in a few areas.  Her need to control might work against her agenda before long.

[rini]

hi

i know it is hard

we deal with one of the biggest pbfh.  the mom to my step kids denied visitation for 3 freaking years and it is easy to say i hate her guts.

i would return in kind all nastiness she has perpetrated on us as a family.

i just refuse to get in the middle of pbfh and dh.  and as they technically have shared (joint) legal.  with bio hag as domicillary parent.  any thing they disagree on must be mediated.

it is hard to defer to them when they are absolute as*&&^%%  but it is the best solution to the problem

let them dig their own grave with their kids.

rini