Stuck Step-mom! (Could be long)

[pegasus1338]

Well, I used to be more regular on here, so some of you may be somewhat familiar with our situation.  I will try to recap w/o a novel, but can't make any promises.  :-)

To start, my DH has a daughter that is now 6.  I have been in the picture since she was 2.  When DH and I were married custody was shared physical, etc.  No CS.  She spent 2 weeks with us and 2 with her mom and step-dad.  I don't know how else to say that BM didn't do much, if anything that was in the best interest of SD.  We kept quiet and documented everything until the time when SD was to start school.  We had all our ducks in a row.  Well, obviously that wasn't good enough because despite the evidence we had, BM's lies in court (got caught in them in court), and her admission of certain very negative actions, the judge ended up ruling in her favor.  Of course, we were floored and could not figure out how the Lord could allow such a thing.  We later began to understand.  Our court date was in July.  DH was mobilized and deployed to Iraq in late August.  If we had gotten custody, I would not have had a leg to stand on while he was away.  Also, much to our surprise BM seemed to be doing better as far as SD was concerned.  Either court was an eye opener for her and she realized what a terrible mother she had been or she now knew that we were watching her every move, but whatever her motive this was great for SD.  We swallowed our pride and decided not to appeal.  Give BM a chance and go from there.  

I guess I should back up a bit b/c I am getting off track a little.  Part of our argument in court was that the Pediatrician that we had for SD diagnosed SD with Asthma when she was 4.  DH and I are the only ones that every took SD to the dr. in the first place for anything.  She always came home to us sick, and they never took her to the dr.  Guess they just assumed we would take care of it as we always did.  Well, after we found out about the Asthma we talked to BM about not smoking around her, etc.  Showed her how to give her the inhaler and meds, etc.  DH and I don't smoke.  Anyway, BM didn't give her the meds and continued smoking around SD.  Of course, we kept documenting.  Then we supoenad SDs med. records for court, etc.  Well, BM had taken for the first time at least since SD was two to the dr.  Somehow she convinced that dr. to say SD did not have Asthma.  Anyway, our Pediatrician wrote a note to the court, etc about SDs Asthma and the irritants, smoking of course being one.  Well, evidentally BM thought she better do something to make herself look good to the judge so in court she said she had made an appt. for SD to go to Children's Hospital about her Asthma.  Well, this was unnecissary, but if it meant SD would get the care from BM that she needed by all means.  Well, Dh was still home for this appt.  The Dr. point blank asked DH if anyone in our household smoked, DH said no.  Then he asked BM.  BM said yes, that she and her husband do.  Dr. then asked BM if she smoked in the house and car w/ SD.  She said yes.  Dr. said "then you might as well put her in a gas chamber!"  Go dr.  And of course they confirmed that SD did have Asthma.  So they took her on as a patient.  Was to go back in 6 months for a check up.  Well, BM started off giving the meds and smoking outside, etc.  And of course as time went by that wore off.  She no longer gave the medicine b/c she ran out, and cancelled SDs dr. appt.  for her checkup.  She started smoking in the house and in the car w/ her again.  Her check up was last Feb.  She didn't reschedule her until May.  She did take her in May and they ran tests.  BM told me that they said if the tests came back ok that she may not have to go back for a year.  Ok, well then BM told me that they never got back to her about the tests, she just got an appt. card in the mail for 3 months later.  Sounded funny to me.  Anyway, the appt in 3 months which was this past Aug. just happened to be while my DH was home on leave.  Well, BM ended up cancelling that appt. too b/c she said SD woke up sick that morning!  HELLO, if she is sick wouldn't she need to go to the dr. even more.  Well, DH and BM had it out.  She said that it was his responisibility too to take her to the dr.  Well, excuse him he has been in Iraq and would gladly take her if he could.  Anyway, BM supposedly had rescheduled the appt. for Nov.  which is this Tues.  the 30th.  That makes 6 months since she has been there.  They evidentally wanted to see her in 3 months.  Hope it was nothing serious.  

Ok, now let me back up a little and fill you in on what has been happening since DH left.  Much to my surprise BM has been really good about letting me see SD while DH is away.  I still got her during the summer for 6 weeks and EOW.  I split our weekends with DHs parents or else they would never get to see her.  Anyway, knowing BM this is only b/c she likes the free babysitter, but we will pretend she is doing it b/c it is the right thing to do.  BM and I have been getting along pretty well and dealing with everything on our own.  That doesn't mean I agree with everything she does, because I disagree with A LOT of it.  I just keep documenting, etc.  I do try so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, but every single time I do she does something irresponsible where SD is concerned and I realize the kind of person she really is and that she probably never will change.  Anyway, before BM cancelled that last Dr. appt. and DH let her have it I had already promised SD that I would go to her next appt with her b/c she asked me to.  Then all hell broke loose when BM cancelled.  Now I have another reason to go.  To make sure BM actually takes her and would be nice to hear what Dr. has to say from his mouth.  Anyway, I called to see what time the appt. was and told BM that I had promised SD I would go, etc.  She didn't seem very happy, but so what.  She told me when, etc.  I told her I would take off work.  Then about 2 weeks ago BM calls me to tell me that she was going to take SD to the dr. and that I didn't need to take off work.  Well, ok.  I always assumed she would take her.  I was just gonna follow them and go too.  I told her that and in my sweetest voice said I promised SD and I had already taken off work and that was ok.  I could sense BM not being happy, so to keep her cool I said " I will even wait in the waiting room". HOw stupid was that.  I hate when I do things like that.  Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to get in that room with them.  I am still going, but I really think SD will want me to go back with her, but if not I need to go back there.  Do I just get up and go when they call them back?  Or do I call BM and mention that DH would like me to go back with them?  I know I am only the SM, but have a responsibility to DH and SD to make sure things are done right.  If BM didn't want me involved and someone to hold her hand and make sure she does the right thing she should have gotten off her lazy rear and done it herself the first time.  Now, I talked to SD the other day on the phone.  She told me that her mom was taking her to the Dr.  I told her I knew that but I had promised her that I would go and asked if she still wanted me to.  She said yes and was excited about it.  Then I kinda asked her if anyone was upset that I was going.  SHe said no, she said that she (SD) told BM that if she was every sick or couldn't take me to the dr. or anywhere to call me.  Well BM told SD that she was her mother and she would take her.  So, I am guessing that is when I got the phone call from BM saying she was taking her.  And DH and I did tell SD that if there was ever any time that her mom couldn't get her where she needed to go like dr. or whereever just to call us b/c she knew we would get her where she was supposed to go.  That is all we said to her.  LOL SD evidentally put it in different context to her mother.  Anyway, that is pretty much it.  I know I am only the step-mother but while DH is gone I am pretty much the only person SD has to make sure things are done as they should be.  And BM has been more that kind to let me continue to see SD.  I am so thankful for that, but I still have to bite my toungue and not make BM too mad or she won't let me see her.  I have to keep my mouth shut if at all possible, at least til DH gets home and she can't keep SD from us ya know what I mean.  It is so hard to do sometimes too.  Will be so glad for him to get home.  And I know that beggers can't be choosers, but when it comes to the health and well-being of SD I have no choice but to do what I can.  Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.  I still have to call BM tonight and make arrangements to meet them Tues.  I still have a tiny thought she may just call and ask if I just wanna take her.  But then I am thinking she may be thinking "over my dead body will that happen".  SHe may be afraid of what I will say to the dr. b/c she knows I know about the smoking etc.  Anyway, I will shut up now.  I am SOOOOO sorry this is so long.  Sometimes you have to write a novel to feel like you said everything.  And I am sure I left something of importance out.  Thanks in advance.  

[wendl]

Peg go into chat.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Sunshine1]

 am still going, but I really think SD will want me to go back with her, but if not I need to go back there. Do I just get up and go when they call them back? Or do I call BM and mention that DH would like me to go back with them? I know I am only the SM, but have a responsibility to DH and SD to make sure things are done right.....

With your DH still overseas, get him to sign a "Power of Attorney" so you can act on his behalf because he is still deployed.  Click on that word and it will take you to the one on this site (which we have used), it will get you back into that room with them so you can take care of her medical needs while he is away.   Make sure you bring it with you, and you can always blame it on DH, LOL,something like, "sorry, but this is how DH wants it".  We also modified it a bit to include medical details report cards etc.. you can modify it to your situation, the more you ad the better, make sure it gets notarized.

Next time write sooner hun so we got some time to help ya!!!

Good luck hope you get to go "in".  Update us!! ;)