Stepmoms....help me out here

[dsm]

I've been involved in my SD's life since she was 2.  She doesn't know her dad being with anyone else - not even her mom.  We've had custody of her for 3 years now.  When she was little, she would act very much the way that your SD does - crying, begging not to have to go back to her mom.  Then we also had the complete opposite every so often - just like what you are going through.  If there is good reason to remove her from her mom, then y'all need to do it - and do it soon.  Don't wait for puberty to hit.  I wish we could have had custody reversed when my SD was even 9 instead of 12.  So much of who she is as a person is now ingrained in her - she has learned manipulation and lying from a master.  Is she okay now?  Yeah, she's okay, but look out for when she thinks she isn't getting her way because she can twist things around so fast.   We had her in counseling when she first got here and it did help alot.  And now that she is here full time, and for the most part out of her mother's clutches, we have a good handle on things.  Until she spends an extended period with her mom - then she comes back with primdonna attitude and like we 'owe' her something.  It's the complete opposite ends of the spectrum - and it's a roller coaster.  One that is not fun for the rest of our family to ride.

So my advice - get your documentation together and figure out the best course of action.  And if it is to have your SD live with you, then get things figured out.  Sooner than later.

Good luck!  
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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[Ref]

It is really scary to hear about how many really screwed up people beome therapist.

My PBFH has not talk to me in 10 years, slammed doors in our faces in front of SD and the whole gambit of PAS. It is a truely scary thought that she will someday be working (she hasn't worked in over 8 years so may be it wont come to pass) as a counselor to some poor person.

SD is going through the same thing. Our situation got worse when DH had to take PBFH to court over visitation. Now a girl who was once VERY close to us, is pulling away. SD said CRAZY hurtful things to DH and he is having a real hard time reconciling with it.

IMO, the best thing to do is maintain as much contact as you can with the child so that she will know you are there for her when she is ready.

Good Luck....this is hard but it wont go on forever.

[joni]

They say people become therapists to save themselves.

My fears are confirmed through what the SM's are saying here.  Tomorrow, we get SD through New Year's Day.  It'll be interesting to see if it was just an isolated occurrence or indications of more to come.

[leftoverinmn]

I'll tell that one to the DH tonight, I'm sure he'll get a chuckle out of it..

I really hope things go good for the week, please let us know.

[sweetnsad]

Joni, I absolutely feel your pain here....I really do.

Last weekend (the day after Xmas), we had stbdh's children for a couple of days.  The oldest is 8 and he is a very, very angry little boy, but he was pretty good the last little while....up until last weekend.

You see, stbdh and his ex went to court the end of November and she lost everything she was looking for (spousal, increased cs, lump sums of money, sole custody, the marital home, etc.)  She was very greedy going into court and wouldn't counter offer the very generous offer stbdh made....so the judge basicially said "screw you" and gave her nothing.

Now, the eight year old is a major problem.  She told him EVERYTHING....told him that "we" took "their" house, how daddy "won't" pay more money, so we are broke, etc....he lashed out all weekend....he was so disrespectful to me and his father, it made me physically sick.

I don't know if there is any way of turning him around...but he is so much like his mother now, it's sad.  He is so mean and spiteful...and we know it isn't his fault....we just can't understand how a parent can do that to a child.  

So, Joni, I don't know if the children ever "turn around" from it...but I can only pray that they do.

(((hugs)))

[joni]

HUGS back at your sweetnsad.  We had SD for the entire Xmas break.  The 2nd day with us, we experienced what a prior post here said, a spontaneous reunification, when a child attempts to reconnect with a rejected parent on their own initiative.

We were decorating the childrens' Xmas tree in the family room.  I looked at SD and she had tears in her eyes.  She blurted out, mind you she's 7 y.o, "I'm so sorry about the last time I was here.  I didn't mean what I said.  My mom made me tell you those things.  I love you so much.  I do want to live here."

I just about fell off my ladder.  She came up to me, kissed me and told me she loved me again.  Turns out mom has been telling her that I don't love her because she's not my real daughter.  Also, that my DH loves the son we have together more than her because she doesn't live with us.

I asked her if she believes what her mom says and she said no, but it hurts her to hear this.  I reenforced our love and commitment to her.  I asked her if I treated her the same as my own son.  She said "you treat me better, you have to yell at him."  (mind you, my son's 3 y.o. and ALL BOY!).

I hope she continues to develop her inner strength and sense.  I just fear that with the constant battle, she'll never have the strength to break away from her mother's evil grip.  She'll grow to be an adult who will always be subjected to her mom's abuse, lies and manipulations.

[rachaelmomma]

Joni,

Are you documenting all of these occurances?  Keeping a journal?  A journal is an excellent tool when the Phycho Ex decides to take you back to court or if she becomes way to out of hand.

Are you and your DH willing to try for custody?

Courts are becoming more open to giving fathers custody and they are looking harder at how the BMs act toward their Ex and the kids.  

Keep a journal of all of the interactions you have with your Skids and the Ex...it may be your best evidence of parental alienation come court day.

My SD (7) had a similar instance of pulling away a year ago.  All of a sudden she would cry every time we picked her up and beg to go home to her mom when she was with us.  After three weeks of this we finally wormed it out of her.  BM had a breakdown in front of SD when she broke up with a boyfriend (I think she had been dateing him all of a month so I don't know why it should have been so dramatic but anyway)  BM fell apart in tears and told SD that no one but SD loved her and that SD was all she had in the whole world and that she was so lonely she cryed herself to sleep at night when SD wasn't there.  

How do you think a then 6yr old will react to that?  After consoling SD and explining (in kid terms) that BM didn't really mean it she was just really sad at the time DH stepped outside to put in a call to BM.  You better believe BM got a HUGE butt chewing from my DH and the next visit SD was much better.  HELLO...If your going to have a crying fit then call your momma (who lives next door) to come watch the kid for you so you can go blubber away in the yard for a bit and get it out of your system... a 6 yr old does not need the weight of the world on her sholders!

I just don't understand why BMs do the stupid things they do.

Hugs to you... I hope your SD gets better.  Just keep pumping up her ego!!

[sweetnsad]

Aww, Joni....was I ever happy to read your "update" post.  That's great news!  There's nothing sweeter than having a step-child tell you they love you, all on their own, because they do.

If she's already on to some of her mother's manipulation, then you can pretty much bet that the older she gets, the wiser she gets.  I don't think you'll have to worry about her always being subjected to her mom's evil ways....if she didn't have you and her father to count on, maybe, but otherwise, no.

I'm so happy she came around.  :)

[Moebear1]

I'm so happy for you regarding the update!  My older SD is 13 so I not only have to deal with the fact that her mom hates and is jealous of me, but the regular teenager stuff.  This kid barely even speaks to me, yet 2 years ago (while we were doing the court stuff) was the one who told the therapist doing the evaluations that she missed me and couldn't wait to see me again (I wasn't allowed to see Skids for a year due to BM's lies that I had threatened her. ;(  )
Anyway, she had a year to work on her so while my younger SD is fine, the older one treats me like dirt.  I keep going between hoping she'll realize what a loser her mom really is and hoping she never does realize it because it will only hurt her.
Nice to know someone's Skids have realized the truth, however painful it may be.

[almostastepmom]

If you have read any of my latest posts, we are going through the exact same thing.  Our SD - 9 has become mean, hateful, and down right unapprecative of anyone that comes in contact with her when she is with us.  She use to love to hang out with me (SM). We would always do fun stuff together, but now she won't look at me, hug me, or even responde to me.  Her mother has been telling her stuff, but we just can't get it out of her.  We know she is scared of her mother, but would never say it again out loud.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but am greatful that in the last post you said she appologized.  At least she can admit that she didn't want to say it, her mother made her.  

It is truly amazing to me that people use their children like a pawn in a game.  In our case, the ex uses them for a money ticket.... That is what she is all about..... MONEY< MONEY< MONEY!  And as far as the kids go, I know she doesn't want them, but she will make sure that no one else does.  She bribes them to come home and when they want to call us or come see us, she will tell them that they can go to the store and pick out something.  

 I really hope your situation has gotten better.  Ours is just begining and I have a awful feeling about it!

Good luck