Stepmoms....help me out here

[joni]

I have this wonderful 7 y.o. SD.  Up until last weekend, we were great buddies and had a close and loving relationship.  SD would dread going home on Sunday and cry and constantly would ask if she could live with us.

Last weekend, SD became very withdrawn and cold, showed no remorse for saying some terrible things.  The transformation was haunting.

It's always been an uphill battle with BM.  She hates me, I know this from several sources.  She's always giving DH a hard time and excludes him from SD's life when SD is with her.

Now SD is saying she never wants to live with us, never wanted to live with us, was just saying all those things because that's what we wanted her to hear.

It's obvious that mom's worked her over.  Prior to this last visitation, we got a trial date for reducing child support (by 40%!).  Mom, of course, is fighting.  Also, BM and DH got to review each others evidence for the annulment proceedings brought by BM.  DH's evidence was pretty damaging against BM.

So I know BM is on a rampage.  Tears me up that she's taking it out on SD.  Here's my concern and dilemma, SD is terrified of her mother, has always been.  Child has consistently expressed this.  SD has low self esteem and confidence.

Prior to this, SD seems as though she was gaining in confidence and getting stronger and more independent.  But after last weekend, it's as though she's fallen to the bottom of her sand hill into a big huge heap.  I cannot believe the 360 this child has done.  She was down right cold and hurtful to us this weekend.  I'm sure BM would be beeming with pride.

Have any of you experienced where you had a stepchild go thru something similar and come out of it OK?  It's my concern that this child will never have the strength to break away from her mother's grasp and wrath.

Please share.....

[leftoverinmn]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are seeing her go through this. And 7yo is so young to have to deal with this. She's so little and innocent. Why does it seem sometimes like SM's care more about children then BMs do?

Does CS change people?

My DH kids did the same thing, we've gone through this too. So the BM (who has a degree in women's studies and psych) brought them to a counciler. She stopped taking them after 2 visits. Appearantly, she didn't like what the counciler had to say to her. Her children were having depression and being withdrawn because of the way their mother was behaving towards DH. Her spite and hatefulness were causing the children pain.

So she stopped the counciler appts. A year later, the kids are more withdrawn then ever.

[joni]

Your BM's a 'professional' mind f&$ker?  Nice.  Your poor stepchildren.  My concern with my SD is what you're going through...more and more withdrawl over time.  My DH thinks since she's only 7 y.o., she'll come around as she gets other.  

I think my DH is underestimates his Ex wife.  My DH is such a stand up guy with integrity, he always thinks the truth prevails.  I don't, I'm more cynical.  I hope he proves me wrong.

[wendl]

Hell sounds like what my dh's kids went thru. They start counseling and when the counselor says something mom doesn't like she stops taking them.
Nice huh.
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[wendl]

Joni,

My yss is 7 also, him and I are very close, one weekend after the trial he came to our house and neither of the boys would look at me or talk to me, dh had a talk with the boys and we found out the reason why. Hmmm take a widl guess, mom was saying crap about me.

Well the next weekend they came over both boys were much better, not withdrawn and cold to me.

Can you DH talk to him?? I know this worked with my stepkids after a few visits they were back to being the same kids I know and love.

It is a shame that parents must tell the kids things that 1) they are to young to understand and 2) is none of their business at this age.

All our children need to know is that both parents love em (as well as the stepparents) and that their only responsibility is being  A KID and not to worry about grown up things.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[leftoverinmn]

Joni,

You should find a way to get them to help somehow. DH's twin girls are 12, they're not going to grow out of it.

Yes, she is a professional mindf**cker. She has a degree in psycology.

Her latest thing that she does to the kids, is when it's time for dad to pick them up for his visits, she makes them stand out at the end of the driveway. If they want to see dad, they can't wait in the house. We live in Minnesota. Current temp..14 degrees.

If he's late, they have to stand out there longer. He started coming 30min early, she would send them out earlier. It's her way of punishing them for loving their father. It's degrading, and hateful. She sends them out into the cold like dogs. There is no OFP for him not to come on her property, she just likes to push buttons. And if the kids some frostbite, as long as it pi$$es of DH, it's OK with her.

I hope your DH proves you wrong too. It's only going to get worse.

Why does it seem like we care about the SC more then BM's do? What's wrong with them?

[4honor]

SS is 14 now and while we have our moments, he tries hard to maintain our relationship despite what BM says to either of us (and things have been pretty awful sometimes to both SS and myself.)

SS went through something about the same age. I had been in SS's life for 18months at that time and married for about a year. SS went through a very stressful time, he had a new brother (ODS) and his mother had married and divorced a man  in a short time, and he was subsequently stressed and "behaved badly" for several months. He went from wanting to live with us to never wanting to see us.

We took the tactic that he did not get a choice about whether he was going to see us, and where he lived was between us and his mother, not for him to dicuss with us or not, as that really wasn't his choice either. We did make it clear that he was always welcome, but until he became an adult, it was his parents' job to be the parents God intended them to be. We are to raise him to be a man, not a child. He got it and now, he has started to do the "I would live with you but..." thing. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. We don't hold our breath and we can see the end in sight. 3 yrs 10 months 8 days and a handful of hours.

SS has seen BM crash and burrn with every relationship... and I think he is dreading this new one, preferring to be with us instead of her and him on Christmas day.

Just keep loving your SD. She will understand that you have to work at your relationship with her ~ it will be an effort to keep her separate from her other parent (some days) ~ and she will value that relationship all the more as she grows.

[janM]

I have friends, a couple, who have been on here.
Dad's ex is doing the same thing. She has just been found guilty of contempt for a second time but custody did not change. They are appealing.

Her recent thing is sending the kids outside at 5:30 on a Friday night for a weekend visit, and telling them that's when he's due, so they think he's a half hour late at 6pm. And it's turned cold here in Ohio too.

One mid-week visit she called to tell him they had the flu and there would not be a weekend visit. She didn't tell them she called and they waited outside for him and thought he just didn't show. They know differently now. And they were not sick. I don't know what's up with making these kids wait outside. Guess it's like you said, they're being punished although they are scared to tell her they care about their dad. This "woman" kept them from him for 4 years until the court made her comply last year. She is still denying them phone contact. She will tell them not to answer the phone when he is supposed to call.

They are filing to impose the sentence for the original contempt, which is a month in jail. It's not long enough.

How about having the sheriff drive by and see them freezing their buns off?

[joni]

That's classic denegration.  Thank God our exchanges are in an airport otherwise I would not put this past my DH's Ex.

My girlfriend was dating a guy who was divorced.  His child was mentally and physically disabled, a 14 y.o. with the mentality of a 1 y.o., confined to a wheelchair.

When he would come for the pick up, she had her son in the garage.  When he pulled in the driveway, she would open the garage there remotely and his son would be in the middle of the dark garage in his wheelchair.

So doing this to your stepchildren is not for their horror but also to humiliate their fathers, who are helpless to the mother's wrath also.

[kitten]

The skids go through these phases depending upon BM's state of mind.  Remember...no matter how horrible a person their mom is, they love her.  They believe in her.  Sad and scary, but true.  Try not to take it personally, I know it's hard (from experience).  Be consistent and she will always know you love her.  In all of this confusion, she needs to know you will always be stable and there when she needs you and she WILL need you someday.