How do you as a step- mother cope with the BM?

[rachaelmomma]

I also just don't deal with her or her family unless I absolutely have to.  My DH and I have been married for almost 3 yrs now and it was a VERY rocky start with the "Its not your business" crap not only coming from BM but DH as well!!  He felt he had enough stress from her and didn't want to deal with me pulling from the other direction...  well buddy sorry to say but you my friend got married AGAIN!!  therefore you DO have to deal with me too.

it is much better now.  We have learned how to talk to each other about these issues without feeling so much stress and anamosity towards each other or thinking that comments come with underlying meanings.  He was bad about assuming that I ment something that I didn't just because of past experience.  As few "I am not your Ex-wife so stop thinking that I think like her" and he got the picture and chilled out.

It is a rocky road but sometimes the head-in-the-sand approach is the best approach.  If BM is a devil to you...step out of the way and let DH deal with his past.  She is not your creation or your problem to deal with or fix.  

HOWEVER anything to do with the Skids or DH or Scheduleing that will also affect you and your life in any way IS your business and your DH needs to discuss with you prior to making arrangements with BM.  That is a hard thing to beat into a mans head sometimes...I know I still struggle with it.  But once you have accomplished this feet you have taken back your life.

Hang in there sister.  We are here for you.

[sweetnsad]

Well, in my situation, I don't deal with the ex unless I absolutely have to....but I also don't hide from her.  Stbdh and I are getting married in April and we have dealt with more crap from her in the last three and a half years then most people deal with in a lifetime.  Stbdh has three children with her and they are 8, 6 and 4....they know everything.  She tells them everything.    And the children constantly ask questions to their father about things they ABSOLUTELY shouldn't know about....

Needless to say, the oldest boy lashes out quite a bit because of the things his mother tells him....we try our best....it's all we can do.  But, as for dealing with her, if I have to, I will, but mostly, I've stayed the hell away from her.  It's easier on all of us that way....then, she can't say I stick my nose in where it doesn't belong.  I love her kids and that's the bottom line.

[kiddosmom]

I usually don't deal with her. It has gotten to were we can speak civilly, but SD is not brought into the conversation unless she is the one to bring her up, and I then respond to her that she needs to talk to DH about it.

[DeterminedForTheBest]

I, go to //www.secondwivescafe.com it's a site dedicated to the issues of being a second wife, step-mother, etc.

I know I would be in a straight jacket if I didn't have other women, who know exactly how I'm feeling, because they've been there.

[flewwellin]

Voodoo doll's are nice if they could work!  GRRR just kidding but wishful thinkin never hurt no one!

[flewwellin]

My DH and I have luckily not had a problem talking about the kids welfare with me before making a decision.  We have been through a lot and even as far as the BM moving the kids to PA just to hurt my DH and to make it more difficult to see the kids.  What she didnt' realize is that the courts made it a little more difficult for her too.  We no longer have to provide ALL transportation as we did b4.  She has to meet us half way.  She also didn't get the times she wanted for DH's visitation.  We got more of a fair  shot.  If we were rich that is.  Either way.  She hasn't done anything after this newest junk.  Interfereing with our visitation over the christmas holidays.  But in the end we just put that in our documentation.  

As far as the kids and what is or isn't my business I believe that if it effects me then it is indeed my business.  So with the kids and what happens to them it's completely my business.  My DH is a very active father in his kids lives.  If something is going on with one or both of them then it effects him.  And him being my DH it effects me.  I know that their BM would prefer DH to give up his Parental rights to them (seeing that she has said this to us) and he refused.  That is when she told us she was engaged and moving to PA.  Double GRRR.

Their BM is always nice to my face and(if i wanted to play the law game I guess I could have put a restraining order against her.)   She told my DH that if I were to get into a car wreck with the kids in there that she would kill me!  Talk about crazy!  However I am not that way.  So nothing came out of it.....

[flewwellin]

Thanks for that info i'll have to check it out cause there are times that I want to say something and don't want it to come across the wrong way with DH so I just kinda keep it to myself it'd be nice to vent and talk to those who are in the same sittuation.

[dipper]

I dont.  We got married July '04 as well.  She has always ignored me completely.  I first met her before I was dating dh - but I was a neighbor of his and had their son with me.  When her son went over to her, I tried to speak - standing about 8 feet from her, she never smiled, never spoke - nothing.  Once dh and I were dating, if she called here I was always polite.  When she came here once to pick up the son, I invited her in and tried to make conversation but nothing - other than asking if the son was here - she did not acknowledge me at all.  

An incident did happen in which I wound up trying to talk to her on the phone - she went off on me, threatened me, and ordered me to put dh on the phone.  I said some choice words that I did regret only because i do not want to give her ammunition.

She moved 2 hours away, ending dh from seeing his son 50% of the time.  the child wishes to live here.  they went to court in June - but she made dh look uncaring because he was naive to the fact that he could get information from the school himself - and she never told him anything.  Also, she had never given him a bill for medical pmts - just wrote in on a paper, so he didnt even know where the child was going.   I have helped him research his rights and I do the typing for him.  So, once she wrote him a letter stating that I have no authority in making decisions - that decisions are for him and her to make.  LOL...what a joke, she doesnt allow dh any input.  She is only mad because he is now asserting his right to talk directly with school personell, doctors, and he demands a copy of any bills.

Well, I was naive enough to think we could actually be civil.....live and learn......

[flewwellin]

The BM that I am "dealing" with became mad at me the second that her son bypassed her and came running straight to me when he was injured one afternoon.  This was our first meeting altogether.  She told DH that she wanted to meet the other woman in their lives.  Implying his as well.  That didn't set well with me at all.  So needless to say she was unhappy with me from day one.  I can't help it  i love those kids and treated them like they were my own.  I can't imagine not treating them with the upmost love and respect.  So I was never given the chance to invite her in for some coffee or anything.  The only time she came in our house was when she had to go to the bathroom and for the sake of the kids we allowed that.  DH wasn't happy that I allowed her to come in though.  They have always had an explosive relationship.  According to my Mother in law, who I love dearly, they never got along and she was flabbergasted when she found out they intended to get married.  Which was after their youngest one was born.  

There were a lot of incidents that would happen, the kids would have been ill that weekend and when I would drop them off at her house she wouldn't listen to me when I told her one of them had been throwing up that morning but when I got home she was on the phone within 15 mins fussing at me cause I didn't warn her that the oldest had been throwing up and she just threw up on their kitchen floor or something.  So that was an uphill battle.  Now when she calls I have to deal with her.  DH and her can't get anywhere.  They end up in a huge argument and nothing gets accomplished.  She and I can talk like civilized adults.  And maybe I'm naive but I'd still like to be able to share holidays with her and let the kids have both their parents at their birthday parties.  That is best for the kids.  

Their mother moved the kids 8 1/2 hrs away from us and she has primary custody with DH as joint custody.  So DH has all rights to obtain info on kids but without knowing who the doctor is or what schools they go to we are lost on finding the other info out about the kids.  We'd love to talk directly with the teacher's and get report cards and such.  So right now she has all the ammunition she needs if one or both of the kids decide they want to move in with us.  They are more than welcome.  The oldest is 5 she goes to private school that her mother decided to pay for, she is hating it she told me as much.  She hates the uniforms and the teachers, she says she is bored because they do stuff she already knows and when I tell her mother she says that she is doing fine.  We'd love to talk to the teachers about it though b/c if she is bored then maybe she needs to be placed in a grade higher or something.  

Hate to say it but probably won't get the opportunity to be nice or have a half way decent relationship with BM.  DH decided that after youngest is 18 then she will no longer know our address or phone number cause the kids will be of a legal age to make their own decisions.  

[teakae]

I am an intelligent professional woman who went into a relationship with a man who had two kids and PBFH. I thought I went into it with my eyes wide open. I thought I was ready for anything this woman might have in store for me. HA! naive that I was.

Only one year as gone by and I am already worn down. I feel hopless and angry. I feel like I am watching child abuse happen in front of me and I am unable to stop it. Its horrific, the drama and trauma this woman creates on a daily bases. I am still working on figuring out the balance of detaching myself from the situation and at the same time to be the careing person I want to be. I know I have to believe that even if the children are exposed to hell by this woman and I can do nothing about it, my presence in their lives can and will have some positive impact in the long run. And that I can give them something valuable that they would not have had otherwise.

But it is still hard to reconcile my feelings when I have to believe that what they are getting out of life is just going to have to be "good enough". They can have so much more, their dad wants so much more for them but all I can do is be a passive observer because I am not their mother.

And ofcourse the "none of your business" "not your responsiblity" "butt your self out" "you are NOT their mother" hurts, when I spend most of my time caring for them. Bad mouthing me and the puzzled looks and confused loyalty in the children makes my heart ache.

We try to find solace in that the kids will eventually realize what a loser their mom is. The older boy is already seeing it (but he gets punished for it now). But then, how sick is that, wishing the kids to be disappointed in a parent? Revenge is only sweet in one direction.

So we plod along and all the suggestions posted are helpful. To see somebody who has been in it longer dealt with it. It is a long term situation and I think we just need a breather. So we actually decided to use our credit cards to go on a cruise this month. Hell with the fact electricity isn't paid, or that dh doesn't have any more vacation days left due to the custody battle situation and bm's unreasonable demands, or the fact it falls on his weekend with the kids. We can't take it anymore we are going to go.