How do you as a step- mother cope with the BM?

[flewwellin]

Okay I have only techniqually been a step mother since july '04.  My problem is the BM has always disliked me and has tried to cause both problems between my hubby and myself and really is quite difficult to work with.   It took her a full year before she would talk to me about the kids at all.  She said it wasn't my business.  I guess when my hubby and I got married she saw she couldn't run me off.  So now I ask those Step moms who have to deal with a difficult biological mother How do you do it?  


flewwellin

[purrrfectgirl]

Frankly, I don't.  She's refused to talk to me about anything (for almost 6 years now).  Well, she said things in the beginning, thinking she could somehow get the better of me, but when that didn't work she took the hostile attitude.  She got DH put in jail on false DV claims and he no longer deals with them either.  But his ex loves to call and yuck it up with DH's mom (this is another long irrtating story I will not get into).  My name is herecy in her house, it is never to be spoken.  The kids get in trouble if they are cught instant messaging me on the web.  SO needless to say, be thankful she doesn't chew out the kids for the mention of your name, take a deep breathe and keep going!  The fact that she's talking to you shows that you're making more progress than me.

[Moebear1]

Bottom line is I don't anymore.  When DH & I met (over 6 years ago) BM & I were civil to each other when we saw each other (they had been divorced for over 3 years by then).  Things got bad when we got married for some unknown (at least to us) reason.  It got so bad she tried to get a restraining order against me!  Luckily they realized there was no need for it.
So now I do not get involved anymore.  My 13 year old SD pees herself every day and no one wants to do anything about it.  Not my problem.  My 10 yer old SD has serious reactions to caffeine after 6PM (in that she cannot fall asleep and is seriously "speedy" and then gets cranky and cries when she "comes down").  Again, not my problem.  I love these kids but no one listens to me (MIL told me it was none of my business when older SD couldn't hear out of one ear).
Now I just wait for the time when they are older and realize that their mother is a loser (sorry, but she is).

[Stepmom0418]

I used to deal with BM until the one time she told me that SS was not my child and that I should butt out!

She would call and want to talk to me about things such as visitation when my DH was at work. I would either deal with them or ask her if I could call her back and I would call DH at work and ask what he wanted me to tell her. Then I would call her back and relay what he said!

I do not deal with her AT ALL now!! At pick up and drop off I now remain in the van. If she calls and Dh is not here, I politely tell her DH is not home and she will have to call when he is. If DH is home, as soon as I know who is on the phone I say, "Hold on here's DH!" (even if she is trying to talk to me about the situation)

I can not and do not have to put up with her and her Bulls***!! I refuse!!

SS and I have a great relationship and so far she has not been able to interfere in that although she has tried! I love my SS but cant stand his BM and therefor it is better for everyone involved if I do not communicate with her at all!

This is my situation. It may or may not be right for you but it is what I HAD to do to keep my own sanity!!

[junglechicken]

I don't deal with her directly, ever, at all.  Not even so much as to pick up the phone and take a message if dh or the kids aren't home.  That's what a machine's for.

I figure, a)I was never married to her, b)she's not my mother, and c)she doesn't want to deal with me anyway.  So why should I bother?  The kids know how she feels about me (sadly) so rarely do they ask why I don't talk to Mom.  I mean, I do if I see her in public, but that's just my breeding.  Talking about the kids?  Hell no.  That's dh's job.

[Ref]

I don't chat. I do answer the phone and force her to talk to me that way. I am always sweet as pecan pie to her. Just DRENCH my words in honey.

There have been a million times that I felt like telling her what I think of her and DH would LOVE me to, but I always end up thinking that that type of thing would, without a doubt, only hurt my SD.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years now. To her I am nothing. SD also does not even mention my name to her mom. I am not allowed to call BM's house to talk to SD. I am not allowed to send letters or presents.

Really, it is not that bad. If I need to contact SD, I just get DH to place the call, then pass the phone. No skin off my nose.

Good luck!!!

[dad in az]

I always try to be civil with BM, even when i knew she was trying to screw us over. All i do know is when she calls (if ever), i let the answering machine pick it up. When OSD is over there  and Dh calls her, he just passes me the phone so i can speak to her. BM wouldnt directly say anything mean about me or be mean to me she's subtle about it. Frankly, i dont give a rats a$$ what she thinks about me b/c i'm the one that provides in my household for ALL of the children.

As much as she annoys me, i'm always CIVIL. I guess, i try to follow the Golden Rule " if you have nothing nice to say, then dont say anything at all"

Let your husband deal with her...

[joni]

BM is right, her children are none of your business.  You should not be having any discussions regarding her children with her directly, unless it's an emergency situation.  What happens with her children when they are in your home, with DH, is between you and DH.  If there's a message or issue to be conveyed to the BM, it should be your DH doing it.

I, like the prior posts, don't answer the phone when BM calls.  I haven't talked to the witch in 18 months and it's the best thing I could have done for myself.  Taking myself out of the picture causes less aminosity in an already extremely volatile situation.

Treat her children with love and respect.  Don't diss the BM to her children, it will only backfire on you.  Set the precedent that you are a role model who loves them and will always be there for them.

[flewwellin]

Talking with the kids BM about them and their welfare is no longer the problem, however I have to disagree with those of you who said it wasn't my business.  I never enter a relationship and not enter it completely.  Techniqually I am not the kids mom BUT I do love them very very much.  The kids and I have a wonderful relationship.  They call and talk to us on the phone and their mother lets them speak to me.  So I guess all in all ours isn't a horrible relationship.  I was just wondering how some of the other step mom's or even step dad's deal with the other BD or BM??

[Stepmom0418]

I agree with you that it is your bussiness about your skids. Some BM do not see it like that! (like the one in our situation) At the point that BM here said what she said to me that is when I backed off and decided that if she wanted to be like that with me then I do not have to take her abuse! Thats why DH handles her now. But if there is a decision to be made then Dh does discuss it with me. He does not make any decisions with out talking to me first.

If you can get along with BM then do it because in the end it is much better for the children!