girls growing up

[nikilax]

So........what's a good age for a girl to start wearing a training
bra?

Just wondering what everyone's opinions were because soon to be SD
(10 yo in about 6 weeks) asked me over the weekend if I thought that
she should start wearing one. Then, went on to say that the girls
in her bunk at summer camp were wearing them. Let me say that I'm a
bad "on the spot" thinker and responder. So my reply was "it
wouldn't hurt."

I'm not exactly sure where the question came from. We were just
hanging out and the boys (daddy and SS) were in the other room
playing games on the computers. She had been looking through the
wedding magazines that I had hanging about and we had gone to get
her measured for her jr. bridesmaid dress earlier that day.

So I get to thinking yesterday that I should've asked her if she had
asked her mother that same question. I'm not mom so I don't plan on
getting into anything like that if her mother doesn't know
beforehand.

lol.....so I just thought I'd throw this out there.

:0) Nik

[joni]

When she starts to show buds.  The training bra will give her some cover up and protect her aerolas, which will become sensitive.

If all the other girls are wearing them and your SD doesn't need it but has a stigma about not having one, I would let her wear one so she doesn't feel left out.

[Moebear1]

SD13 still wears just a sports bra but she's going to need something else soon.  She didn't start wearing one as soon as I feel she should have though.  BM is very small (everywhere - like 5 foot 100 pounds) so I don't think it occurred to her.  SD13 is 5 foot 2 and like 125.  She wears size 9 juniors pants and 10 shoes.  She's due for a growth spurt to match her shoe size so I assume she'll need a bigger bra.  She and I don't discuss things of that nature.
SD10 hasn't starting wearing anything or mention anything and she would (she often brings up the fact that her mom wears a push up bra and I'm still a lot bigger).  She has some of the tank top/underwear sets that she wears sometimes.  She is also 6 inches and 25 pounds bigger than all her friends so I'm sure none of them are wearing them.
I would say if everyone else is wearing them and she needs one or could use one (doesn't really need it yet) than she should have one.

[knoot7]

This subject may seem a bit off the cuff for you but what got me is your words stating that your not mom so you don't plan on getting into anything like that if her mother doesn't know.  I don't know your situation....but I can say that  my SS  who is also 10 talks to me about things he is fearful of his mothers reaction of . He knows he can trust me to give him a sound answer. For example  - We have known for a year or so that he has a crush on a girl in his class...every so often I try and talk to him about it and see how his crush is going. Now on the other side - his mother found a piece of paper with a  list of girls in order that he likes in his class . She proceeded to scream and yell at him and immediately call my DH freaking out saying he is too young and this was not right - which made SS upset. If he is makign lists - he isn't too young to talk to him about it. If he has these feelings we needed to address them, let him know he is normal and too young to do anything but have a crush.  Needless to say - do you think SS will be talking to BM about this stuff or to Dh and I??  

I think that she is asking you cause she trusts you and wants your opinion which is HUGE for being a step mom! She wants to know what you think and was asking you for that. Being a step mother is hard and there are places that you may not want to go - but need to for the sake of your stepchild. I know how you feel about not being mom but over the last 7 years...I became mom myself. It took me a long to time stop saying I am not mom and for DH to handle the issue. But in reality in my home I am mom, I fix his cuts, I take care of him when he is sick (so does DH), I talk to him about his feelings and emotions...and the last few years decided well I am mom and I need to be there for my stepchild. I will not take the place of his mother nor do I want to  but I will do everything I can to provide him with the world as if he was my own child. I have become mom to SS and well he trusts me more than his mother. Which in turn will assist when he is a teenager and he will then trust us and come to us if he was to ever be in trouble, has issues, as your SD has come to you about the bra.

Now abotu the bra -  I say yup if there is a start - then get her one. If she feels that everyone else has one or is getting made fun of because she doesn't need one (which happened to me and wasn't fun) I suggest getting her one for her comfort and feeling of confidence. These years are hard...some girls want bras others don't want them until they are forced to where one. Ask her how she feels, what her friends are doing, and then give her your honest opinion. If she is developing ...then yes...but I have no clue what her development is. I do have to say when I was young and I didn't need one but was getting made fun of cause I didn't have one...I got one..technically I didn't need one unitl I am now prego! LOL But that doesn't mean I was walking around without anything for the last 17 years.....

After you talk with her and get a sense - if you are not comfortable talking with BM (which I am not) Talk to DH and have him mention that you were going to take her shopping. What you get for her shopping is your right as a step parent.....if he isn't comfortable - I don't know what to tell you....the girl will grow up eventually and if you embrace it and make her confident - you will only help her in the long run - despite what BM may say or do...SD will see you are looking out for her and her feelings!

Good luck -

[nikilax]

Thanks for all the opinions/advice......

As she doesn't live with us full time, I'd be leery of just going out and getting something that she's going to take home to BM's house.  If it was something that BM wanted to do with her, then I wouldn't want to spoil that for her.

At the time, I didn't think to ask her if she had discussed it with her mother or if it was something that she'd rather not discuss with her mother.  So, I don't plan on making a move until I know which is the case.  My overall impression is that it's probably something that she may not want to discuss with or ask her mother.  SS (11 yo) says that he has a girlfriend, but he'd never bring her home because BM would make fun/tease him.  The birds and bees talk also got pawned off to SO as well.

I've been thinking about it the last few days and am very happy with the thought that she trusts/is comfortable enough with me to ask that question and I plan on encouraging it.  I was just caught off guard and don't think well on my feet.  I'm more of an after the fact thinker, so now I have plenty of time to think since SD won't be back until Feb 5.

:0) Nik

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I am a NCP mom with a 12 year old daughter who doesn't live here.  I love the fact that you will not proceed without knowing where BM stands on it.  I think it is also greatt o ask her if she discussed it with mom.  Do you nad mom have a relationship?  It would be my greatest wish for the Sm in our case to tell me things like that.  I have my daughter only EOW.  Four days per month is a very short time to have those delicate talks.

 I am missing that and the Sm and I can'ttalk to each other.  Ex and I can't talk to each other.  SO I never find out things like that.  I ask my daughter things but it is akin to asking your great Aunt Mabel whom you haven't seen since 1906 if she has gone through the change yet.  We akwardly muddle through but how I wish it were different for my sake as well as my daughter's.  She is in a constant loyalty bind.

I dread the day it is time to shop for her first prom gown bwcause I won't be going with her it will be SM.  It hurts more than you could ever know.  I want to share with my daughter. I want to teach her about life and relationships.  I want us to have a real bond.  And all I get is four days a month.  On top of that my DS wants to talk to me.  My younger kids need attention and want to spend time with their half sister and brother.  Beofre you know it the weekend is gone like smoke.  Time is slipping away and I will not get to help my daughter over the hurdles of adolescence.

Whatever you do, do not forget your current attitude of honoring BM's place in SD'd life.  Your stepkids will be better for it and your marriage will be better for it too.  Less strife with the first wife= more time, money and energy for the second wife.

Some moms just aren't good at certian things.  Not all women are comfortable with things like bras, periods etc.  But all kids need the information.  If the three of you can work together the kids will benefit.

[kiddosmom]

When my daughter was 9 she wanted to wear a bra 'to be like her friends' we went out and got her a few training bra's. She is now 11 and growing into a 'B' cup fast .
*yes dad she is so don't be freaking*
She now HATES wearing bra's and I have to make her when we go somewhere.

[wendl]

Hey Nik,

Well maybe she is getting teased at school due to not wearing one, it can be a nasty situation for the girls that don't have a bra. I know it was hard for me, I didn't start until middle school and felt weird cuz I wasn't covered up when changing like the other girls if you know what I mean.

Is there anyway dad could get her one, even if it's like the tank top kinds that way she would be covered up a litte more while changing with other girls. LOL my neice that is 8 wears the little tanks under her clothes not cuz she needs a bra or anything but helps keep her warmer under her shirts.

It't hard though, I know when my son needed his 1st cup of baseball I didn't know what to get so I asked my SO and he went with my son to get him one. Now son knows what to get and the size so I take him every year for a new one. Luckily my son is very open with me, is there anyway stepdaughter could open up with dad regarding the training bra.

Good luck, at least she is comfortable with you, lmao my oss used to ask me to buy his jeans as he liked the kind I picked out better than the walmart specials his mother gets him.  Amazing thought, hahah you can get named brand nice pants at the thrift store for the same price as the wally specials.

Good luck with the wedding plans, I am so excited for you.



**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**