Bonus families

[Davy]

Writing the book on divorce etiquette


Jann Blackstone-Ford (left) and Sharyl Jupe put kids first. Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe are friends. They work for the same organization. They live just eight houses apart. Their children get along well together.

They've also been married to the same man. Ms. Blackstone-Ford's husband of 15 years, Larry, was first married to Ms. Jupe and is the father of her son and daughter.

So how do these two women not only share custody of those children, but maintain a friendship? Some ex-spouses can hardly tolerate the other being in the same city, no less go to lunch or celebrate Christmas with the ex – and his/her new spouse.

In a word: children.

"Put the kids first," says Ms. Blackstone-Ford from her house in California. "Get over yourself."

The two coined a phrase to replace "stepfamilies," a word they say often has a negative connotation. They decided on "bonus families," because a bonus is a reward for a job well done. And, they say, "it's hard work to be a good bonus parent."

The two co-wrote a book, Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation to help others in blended families find peace with one another.

Here are some tips Ms. Blackstone-Ford offers, and which she and Ms. Jupe elaborate on in their book:

Plan early. Birthdays, holidays, vacations all need a plan.

"People don't understand how early a plan needs to be made, how important a plan is, and how important it is to have a plan in place to deviate from," she says.

Communicate and cooperate. "People think once you're divorced, you don't have to cooperate with each other," she says. "That's not true; your kids are watching every move you make. If you're going to present the new marriage as a possible thing, you have to make the most out of your divorce."

Plans are for the kids, not you. Sometimes, parents are inflexible about their allotted time with the children. Bad move, Ms. Blackstone-Ford says.

"Whose time are we talking about?" she asks. "It's not the two parents' time with the children; it's the children's time with them."

If your 12-year-old son wants to watch football with his dad on one of your evenings, let him.

Showing cooperation teaches cooperation. "If you can set it up so the kids can see it's possible to interact, they won't be negative about getting married themselves," she says.

By communicating in a positive way, you're teaching kids how to solve conflicts in the workplace and in life.

The lesson: "You can get along even if you don't particularly like someone," she says.

Let your children see you forgive each other. "If they see resentful, angry parents, they'll think that's how it should be," Ms. Blackstone-Ford says.

If you want to get along, you'll get along. If you don't, you won't.

"People ask how long it will take," she says. "It's up to you. It takes a couple of years to get over a divorce, but if the children are watching, you'd better get yourself together sooner."

Keep negative feelings about your spouse to yourself. If you say something negative about your former spouse to your child, she says, that hurts them, not your ex.

"They're wounded in their hearts because that person you're bad-mouthing is half of them," she says.

Deep-six the comparisons – exes to new spouses, bonus children to other children, your marriage to your ex's marriage with his or her new spouse.

"It's disastrous to your self-esteem," Ms. Blackstone-Ford says. "It's a total waste of your energy; it undermines you as a person."

Make good communication your goal. "Do you want to be promoted? Then you do the things you have to do in order to be promoted. Do you want to get along with your ex? Then you do it; you just do it," she says.

Granted, it isn't always possible. When there's been drugs or violence or mental illness, "this cordial stuff won't work," she says.

For more information, go to //www.bonusfamilies.com.

[joni]

LOVE THIS!  Thanks for sharing!

Jada Pinkett Smith has the same attitude.  Calls her SS her 'bonus son'.  BM comes to their home to share the holidays.

[Davy]

I liked the article and the commentary on their web site as well perhaps because I've always despised the 'step' social engineering and the basis behind what I've undertood to be at the heart of it's origination..... when a mother remarries it is a step up and when a father remarries it is a step down.    Hence a one-upmanship of the mother's husband over the father while a father's wife is looked upon in less than favorable terms.

Does anyone have a perspective on the origination of the 'step' terminology ?  

 

[Hazel]

It's a good article, but I notice that they leave out the issue of "child support"...

Shouldn't one of the rules be:  Don't gouge your ex for child support simply because he remarried after you kicked him to the curb?

[MixedBag]

so desparately....

[ksmomof2girls]

Just as bad as yours does Mixedbag.

Maybe I can email it anomusley(sp) to yours, and you can do the same to mine.  LOL      They can't yell at us for sending it, because WE didn't......lol

[ksmomof2girls]

My X and I can get along fine and be friends, as long as it doesn't involve anything to do with our girls.


It's even harder for me to trust a word SM says because she lied to me too many times during our friendship when X and I were married.  

I have known SM for 16 yrs now.   I considered her my best friend and vice versa until the very end......and still confided to her evev after X and I seperated, then I found out that she was telling X everything I told her.



Our girls grew up calling her Aunt HHHHH...........

[bonusfamilies]

Hello,

My name is Jann Blackstone-Ford and I am the one they mention in the article.  Honestly, I do not know how I happened on this message board, but I would like to invite you all to the Bonus Families website.  First, there is the ability to invite people to the site anonymously, as one poster alluded to, and second, there is an article in our Bonus and Bio Department explaining the origin of step.  More importantly, however, there is also an article on the origin of the term "bonus."

If anyone has any questions, you can talk to me via the site.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A.
Director
Bonus Families
//www.bonusfamilies.com