She forgot about "her" kids

[forthekids24]

Well it finally happened.  Just as DH and I had expected.

When BM moved away DH and I made a calendar for her since she said she didn't like the "read" the court order.  We were being nice.  Even made a calendar for my SD's.  That way they would know when they were supposed to be with their mom for the weekend.

Mid last year we overheard OSD telling BM "No, the calendar says we are with you this weekend, are you picking us up?"  We reazlied that OSD had been reminding BM of her visitation schedule.

DH and I decided this year that we would not make a calendar for BM.  We didn't make one for SD's either.

First visition weekend with their mom of the new year... and she doesn't show.  OSD was moody all weekend.  She knows that when she has a 3 day weekend off from school she should be with her mom.  YSD knows it too.  They are 12 and 10.

OSD called her mom Saturday morning, BM raved about how she was going skiing and would talk to them soon.  That is the first time BM had talked to the kids since the new year, and it was because they called her.

Just another nail in her coffin if she really is moving back.  It has reinforced DH's decision that he will not agree to a change in visitation if she does move back.  Still waiting for her to call and let DH know she is coming back.   More than 3 weeks since the kids found out she is coming back.  OSD is frustrated, I can tell it is bugging her.

I want to talk to her about this weekend, but just in case she doesn't realize that her mom forgot about them I don't want to bring it up.

Suggestions???

Thanks for listening.

FTK

[junglechicken]

when I know something that they might not, that will bug them when they know...I say to them "Hey, if there's anything that's bugging you or making you mad, you come tell me about it, ok?"  And sometimes they do.

[forthekids24]

Thanks... tried that one.

I even told OSD "I know something is bugging you.  Tell me what it is so I can help".  She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders and hugged me.

It is just sad to watch this happen.  BM yelled at the kids all Thanksgiving break telling them how she wanted to see them more, but DH wouldn't let her.... and now this.  I guess OSD is just trying to deal with the fact that her mom lies constantly and really doesn't care about anyone but herself.

FTK

[backwardsbike]

Poor kids!  I cant imagine forgetting visitation.  I live for mine even when they are awful!

Maybe the kids feel funny saying something that would seems like dissing mom.  Just let them know you love them and try to let them know it is OK to feel what ever they feel.  Do they journal?  Sometimes it can be helpful in getting out feelings that you just can't speak.  You know if something is too painful to talk about then sometimes you can write about it instead.

My kids are hypersensitive about anything that they think could end up in court.  Their dad ( the CP ) let's them think that I run to court with everything.  I am working on seeing that I don't do that anymore.  I am hoping to build some trust between me and the kids.  I can slack now because I know that Iwill never get custody so what is the use in going to court?  At least I will be able to build my relationships with my kids.  Their dad can't take that away.

[alwaysthere]

I am glad to see I am not alone with this problem.  I am new here.  My SD's are the 13 & 11 - and they only want one thing in this entire world - quality time with their Mom!  I so wish I could give that to them . . . they haven't seen her since October - and she called during Christmas break.  She lives 30 mintues away.  My girls too are in the anger stage and it breaks my heart.  I have let them know they can talk to me - I get shrugs to - sometimes tears, just depends.  The BM works for the school system - so when the girls are out of school - so is she . . . we have no clue what she does with her time - but it isn't with her kids!  She pays no support, provides nothing for them . . . when she does call she reminds them how tough her life is!  Last time the girls were with her - she woke them at 2:30 am to go check on her boyfriend - he was with another woman - and the girls witnessed the fight.  Of course, they didn't tell us that . . . it just came out!   She raised them until they were 10 & 8 - and then just dropped them off to us . . .in the past couple of years she has seen them less than 10 times - never for more than 24 hours!  She also has given up all her holidays and summer visitation - I too wonder - what is she doing that is so much more important.  She tells my husband she is broke . . . yet, says she can't see the kids - as she is working 3 jobs????  I say make her pay support!  We don't need it - but we could put it away for their future!  She also gave up her 3rd daughter by her 2nd husband - left her in IL with him (we live in MN)- was 5 - now 7 - and has major issues - she lost her Mommy and her sisters!  Very sad story.  Besides her "boyfriend" that she gave her 2nd marriage up for, I've wondered if she is into drugs, was just burnt out as a parent (I can't understand that), needed to taste freedom and liked it?  The reality is she is just selfish - it is only about her - when I look back - it has always been about her . . . I am glad to hear I am not alone - sorry to hear there are other children longing for their BW - and this reminds me that no matter what - I will always be there for my SD's - as I love them dearly!

[ksmomof2girls]

Is there anyway that your DH and his ex's 2nd husband can get together so the youngest daughter can spend sometime with her older sisters?

Just because BM doesn't want anyone of them, the girls shouldn't have to pay for being apart.

I think it would be nice if both of the birthfathers got along for the girls' sake.  I think they would even respect them a lot more than they already do.

[alwaysthere]

I so agree - you would think my husband would be the one who wouldn't get along - since the BM had an affair with the 2nd husband . . . but no, the 2nd husband doesn't want anything to do with us.  We've tried and tried for the kids sake.  He has moved on - he has a girlfriend, who has two kids . . . he is happy having his child.  He use to stay in contact with my SD's - but that has faded over time also.  When his parents have his daughter - they call so the kids can talk.  When my SD's call to talk to their sister - the answering maching always picks up!  They leaves messages - but very very seldom does he allow her to call back.  I don't know if he thinks it is painful for her (she is 7), and he prefers they move on with their lives . . . ?  We were in IL this summer and my SD's got to spend a few hours with their ex-step-dad and sister at his house and they told me that the BM had sent and written a bunch of letters to the younger sister - that really upset them - since the BM lives 30 minutes away and has no contact.  I have this feeling - she was writing when she discovered "making it on her own" wasn't working.  When she discovered that - was about the same time the 2nd husband met someone!  It was okay for her to have another affair - but she didn't want him to move on . . .

[forthekids24]

... she came running in crying after we all got home last night, said her little sister was *bothering* her.  She was sobbing.  I chased YSD out to the living room and gave OSD about 15 minutes... just to see if she would calm down.

She didn't... I went to check on her and she was still crying.  Poor DH, he didn't know what to do.

I asked her what was really wrong... again she didn't want to be specific.  All she said was that "I am just really frustrated"  (I completey understand, I wouldn't want to say out loud that I knew my mother was a POS and didn't care about me).

I just told her that I understood that she had a rough weekend, and that she had every right to be upset, or disappointed at "whoever" she was upset at.  She gave me the knowing look and smiled a bit though the tears.  

Neither of us came out and really said what was at the bottom of it.  We had a long talk about how to let feelings out if the person we were upset at wasn't available to talk to.  I took the suggestion from here and told her to write down how she was feeling.  I also suggested that she could even write a strongly worded letter, of course she would not send it to this "person".  

As I was leaving her room, I told her that I loved her and that she had every right to feel the way she did.  I also told her " Even though you didn't come out and tell me specifically what is bugging you, I still know... and you know that I know what is really bugging you"  She chuckled and said "Yeah, I know".   Then we both laughed.

My poor girl, I have been in her life since she was just 2 years old.  I know her so well.  I think it was bugging me as much as her that she was having to deal with this alone.

So here I am... back to waiting for the other shoe to drop.   If that stupid woman ever decides to actually call and let us know when she is moving back down.

FTK