How to deal

[backwardsbike]

Dipper,

I really feel for the child.  Impulse control disorder is so difficult.  the poor kids doesn't want to behave badly.  they really just can't t help it.

I am a psychiatric nurse.  I worked in a residential treatment facility.  I have cared for many kids with poor impulse control and impulse control sidorder.  Meds can help.  But that help is so limited without counseling to help these kids learn cognitive strategies to deal with their lack of control.  Meds now -a - days are a world apart from whay they used to be.  But they aren't a magic bullet.  Has the child had an evluation by a mental health professional?  

[dipper]

Backwardsbike,

I know my yss doesnt want to be bad, but it is so frustrating when all he gives is an 'I dont know' to things.    DH had him in counseling, but it wasnt doing any good - the licensed counselor was not able to evaluate him.  Well, bm loved this woman - she had her snowballed.....So, when dh removed him and got an actual psychologist, bm stopped all involvement.  The psychologist wanted to do a full work up and we got the teachers to fill out forms and we did questionnaires, but bm would not.  The psychologist wanted another to do the actual testing on yss, but he would have to be there most of the day - meaning missing school.......and since he is with bm on school days - well, the judge in January talked to yss for less than five minutes and decided that yss didnt need medication.  BM stated in court that yss didnt want to go to counseling, she saw no need for it, and that no one was making him go if he didnt want to.  According to the statement from a school official, she has stated that she has not reconsidered counseling.

The original counselor had leaned toward conduct disorder, but filed it as adjustment disorder with a disturbance in conduct.  The psychologist was withholding any label until he could get all results in......

YSS was on medication for ADHD and his behavior was pretty much the same.  He got in fights, vandalized, stole, lied........he is always extremely calm at home.   His mother made the sole decision to take him off meds.  His behavior has worsened but I think it may be more the circumstances than the lack of drugs.  

DH is on the road now as he took yss home....and I have to tell him when he gets here that yss lied to him again.  YSS had some 'nice' goodies when he came a couple of weeks ago and stated that school friends had given him two of them.  DH didnt believe him - but yss came up with names.  DH asked the principal to question the students - and they know nothing about the gifts.......so, either yss got the gifts from someone he knows dh and I dont approve of ( like the lady arrested for grand larceny, or the 26 year old druggie) or he stole them.....

I love the child and I want what is best for him.  Unfortunately, we cant afford a lawyer again so soon and I dont think there is any hope without a good lawyer.  Also, I think yss would be a very high maintenance child on a full time basis and it is alot to consider in itself....

Thank you for your input - and please let me know if there is anything you can see that we could be doing......

[TwoBoys]

I just had time to catch up.

We had SS for the weekend, adn it went great with a few (normal) exceptions.

For the first time, ever, he got in the car, pointed at me, tried to call me by my real name (which he doesnt normally call me) and started crying and going "no no no no", and then started crying "mama mama mama, baba baba, baba".

he has NEVER cried for his mom, never cried when approaching me, and never asked us for a baba (bottle).

We were lectured when he was 14 months old that he was to only get a sippy cup during the day.  We immediatley throw out the bottles, switch to sippy cups, and now shes demaning that he get a bottle.  (hes be 2 in 3 months).  He also has 4 decayed teeth i think that i mentioned, from being given a bottle at night and too much juice in a bottle during the day.  Shes now saying he  gets a bottle whenever he asks for one, and that we are depriving him and traumatizing him and neglecting him by not giving him a bottle when he asks for it - that he NEEDS it (this is after strict demands by the pediatric dentist to NOT give him one).  Shes also refusing ot have the decay treated, but she did finally have one filled when she tried taking him to a dentist that told her his tooth was so soft in one spot it was giving in when he pushed on it.

His teeth have already eroded and are now about half the size they used to be and are brown.

She called this weekend during breakfast, asked what we were feeding him and we told her cheerios.  She said we didnt know what we were doing, or what he liked, adn we should know that he likes cocoa krispies (uh... he has FOUR DECAYED TEETH!).

Sigh... its hopeless.

Ive tried everything to be nice, to be cordial, i just try to stay out of it now.  Now shes trying to accuse us of harassment (for calling to check on SS once every couple of days, yet if we go more than 3 or 4 days without calling then we get nasty voicemails).  And shes using that as why we should pay her 10k in attys fees from the past year of this battle.

Im worn out.

We get married in 3 weeks, she doesnt know the wedding is this month - she thinks its in 2 months, so hopefullly things will be smooth for the wedding at least.

TwoBoys...

[Kitty C.]

Under NO circumstances do you allow her to find out when you're getting married!  BTW, it wouldn't happen to be on a weekend that you have him, is it?  Hope you were able to plan it that way.  Congratulations!

This lady is certifiably nutzo, especially in regards to his teeth and what he eats or drinks.  She also fails to realize that destruction of the supernumaries NOW can even have an impact on the perms, cuz if the situation is allowed to get bad enough, those teeth could be rotting even before they erupt.  This child is in for a world of hurt and pain inflicted  by her neglect and abuse.  If you ever get a chance to take him to a ped. dentist, 'remind' him/her that they are mandatory reporters and that this is certainly a form of abuse.

[fight4ss]

Hey - - I'm new around here but I'm in the same boat.

Do NOT let BM find out when the wedding is. We scheduled out wedding on a weekend that we had SS and she tried everything to keep him that weekend.

My SS had started this "tic" (on purpose) that got him some attention from us. We asked him about it and he did it only when he was watching TV or talking to us. Not when he ate, slept, played, etc. We asked BM about this and she said that we were crazy and that we must be doing something to him to make him do it because he certainly didn't do it with her. Uhm, okay.

Two days before the wedding, she calls - "I'm going to FL for the weekend and I think I should keep SS because he started doing that tic thing in his sleep. I'm afraid he's having seizures and I don't want to leave him with you."

Now wait, you're worried about him having seizures but you want to take him to FL?

So DH tells BM maybe you should stay here and not go to FL then if you're that worried. We'll take him with us the day of the wedding and drop him back off with you after it's over.

BM? NO WAY!

Sheesh -

She went to FL without SS though. I guess partying was more fun than pretending to be concerned about SS.

Good luck you guys.

I'm learning to just stay away from BM at all costs. The more interaction I have with her, the more she puts SS in the middle.

Sorry I rambled... I could go on and on and on and on.....

[TwoBoys]

No way on earth are we telling her when the wedding is.  She thinks its in may.  It originally was.  She started her crap about it months ago.  Shes denied us visitation repeatedly, and still denies us makeup visitation.  So... when my fiance had a business trip that was supposed to interfere, we decided to move it up and not back.  And of course, we moved it to a weekend when were supposedto have him.  In fact, its in 2 1/2 weeks, and thats when our next visitation is (we just had him this past weekend).

Our stipulation specifically states that we are to receive him for one week during the fathers day period.  Fathers day falls on a sunday.  So we requested to get him Sunday morning, through the following sunday morning (one week).  

Her attorney has sent a letter stating that he will NOT get him that week, that he will have him when she says he will, because shes taking him on vacation for his birthday (in other words, shes taking him out of the state so we cant attned his birthday activities, which the SPA specifically states that our attendance is to be encouraged).

So... I dont know what to do about this.  June is just around the corner, and she has stated, through a letter from her attorney, that we will not get him when we requested it.  

Sigh, its a mess.  She does this with everyhting.  She suggests a week, well agree, shell change her mind.  I guess its just too easy if we agree right away.

So... yeah, no way on earth will we let her know about the wedding.  The other thing is - the court order specifically states that I am allowed to do all exchanges after we are married.  SHes going to love that one.

I dont htink she realizes that it says that.

Shell find out soon im sure.

TwoBoys...

[Kboeds]

I just wanted to say I understand what all of you are going through.

I also knew what I was getting into when I met and married dh, we were not able to have his 3 younger children at our wedding because he was still going to court just to gain vsitation of them. My husband has 3 older children who were BM's when he married her and he adopted them. The oldest SD attended the wedding and we had a part of the ceremony were we all, dh, me, my dd's and sd stood together at the alter, and after mentioning the other 5 kids that couldn't be in attendance, a prayer was said about the joining of two families, and that on that day we would become one family. We video taped the wedding and after dh won his visitation request, we had the kids to TX for 2 weeks and they got to see the tape. They were disappointed that they did not get to attend, but you could see the joy in their eyes when they heard their names mentioned in our ceremony. They ask us to play that part again.

BM told kids that dh wasn't their dad anymore and that they were to call him by his first name. She told the kids that he was their old dad and that he left,(after she divorced him)  so now her b/f was their new dad. (that was 4 years ago) Dh and I told the kids that he is now and will always be their dad! Two ysd's are both adopted and the youngest went to dh one day and said "are you my real dad?" dh said I am your dad and I always will be" BM jumped all over him and told him not to EVER tell the kids that again. She said they are very confused about being adopted and that she has told them that he is not their dad cause they are adopted. BM told kids he is only their dad legally cause the judge says. but he is not their real dad. Dh and I told kids again, as soon as dad adopted you, he became your dad and he will always be your dad just as much as Bio-son's dad. When the kids called him by his first
name he wouldn't answer them, not until they called him dad. They finally realized that he is not going to let BM replace him so easily like she has told the kids he would.

What dh and I have done is acknowledged what the kids go through and tell them what we will do to make it easier on them, but that when we do (_____) this is what we are really saying. Kind of like a code. We told the kids that when BM or OSS tell them that dad doesn't love them, don't agrue with them. (the kids were fighting a loosing battle trying to defend him. OSS would and still will punish them if they say they love their dad.) We said when they tell you that, this is what I want you to say to yourself. My dad said when they say he doesn't love me, Dad is saying he really does. We told them don't say it out loud, we don't want you to get in trouble. Just know in your heart that Daddy does love you very much. When dh calls to talk to the kids, if BM or OSS are there, they keep the conversation very short and won't say they love or miss him. Dh ask bio son why and he said that they get in trouble if the want to talk to him or say they love him. Dh said you know that is wrong..right and son said yes. So, dh told son, if they are there and you can't talk, I will know it is because you don't want to get into trouble. I don't want you to get into trouble either. I will just tell you I love you and if you say OK then that will be telling me you love me too... okay and his son said yes.

Point being we are trying to take the pressure off the kids. We are not bad mouthing BM or OSS, simply acknowledging we know what is going on and that we want to make things easier on them. dh is not going to make a seen about them not talking when he knows they are the ones that will suffer from it. The kids know if they take things home from our house that what ever it is will be taken away from them. So we always give them the option of taking things home or not. 99% of the time the kids say, they don't want to take things home cause they don't want to get in trouble or have them taken away. So we let them leave there things here for their next visit.

This is getting really long to I will stop now.. but I have many more examples of things that have happened and how we handled it. There was a time when dh and I thought having a good relationship with his children would be impossible because of the actions of their bm and oss, but now we know there is hope.

KB

[TwoBoys]

How old are the 3 younger ones?

Our biggest concern is that ss is not even two yet, and hes been around me since he was 2 months old, but at the same time, her crusade against us has been going on just as long.

And now, its starting to really show when we first pick him up.  Maybe im overreacting, becuase im still bothered by it - its only happened once (the last time we picked him up).

And it is really hard b/c he absolutely adores me 30 minutes later, but it is so hard knowing that this is only the beginning.

TwoBoys...

[Kboeds]

The younger ones are now 8, 9 and 12 but we started seeing them in 2001 after their dad had not seen them for two years. BM had already had a two year head start on the process before dh started getting visitation with them.
When we first started going and seeing the kids, they called me girlfriend number 7. When dh told them not to call me that, they said that is what mom calls her. BM was doing all she could to turn the kids against both of us.

We took the kids away from the house several times crying and screaming for their mother. Then shortly afterwards they would be fine. One thing you need to understand is that kids have to live with their parent. If they go home and bm finds out they had a good time, then they get in trouble or they have to spend hours or days defending themselves or the other parent, it only leads to serious problems with the kids. I have found that as a survival technique it is better for the kids to go home and say they had a bad time or cry when it is time to go so that mom won't get upset with them for enjoying themselves. That  makes BM happy and she will then coddle them and give them positive attention instead of the negative.

Your ss is picking up on this already at his young age. BM will complain that every time you and dh pick him up he cries, but in all honesty she loves it. Just put him in the car and go about your business. If she sees that it is having the desired effect, she will only do it more. Let her and ss see that you and dh are not going to allow their behavior affect your time with him.

Don't treat him any different then you did before! If you try extra hard then he will learn that the behavior is benefiting him on both sides. As he gets older you can try some of what I mentioned earlier.
"Your mommy is mad at me and daddy and that is ok"... sometimes grown ups get mad at each other for a long time, but we all love you and we don't want you to think that you are in trouble.
Remind him that no matter what he hears at home, daddy and you love him and that he should hold that in his heart.

Take a deep breath and ready yourself for the ride.

KB

[onedaddy]

WOW the 2 of youreally got things right!  Those are lucky kids.

But it is hard. It is hard when you have to answer to everyone and you've done nothing wrong.  Whe you are not entitled to make the littlest mistake without the GAL and therapist and 2 lawyers come at you.  When every single decision you make is scrutinized  and you must defend your reasoning for everything.  Because even though the kids have a great time with us the tell their mommy that we treat them terribly and they are afraid of us.  She makes them call the therapist and the GAL and tell this to the evaluators and probably the judge one day.  They are taught to lie to us and everyone else.  Therapy is useless because they believe BM and if we say they are saying what they are told to we are mudsliging.
Our life is hell fir doing the right thing and these kids are going to be in deep trouble