How to deal

[dipper]

Hi, I honestly came into the blended situation totally naive.  I have two children and while I get upset with my ex for ignoring our children and for not paying support, I dont fight with him.  I dont do things to be mean to him - and he doesnt to me either.  Now, I had realized that dh and his ex were still connected to anger, but I had no idea the impact this would have on our lives.....

His ex moved right before we married.  He went from seeing his son half the time, to six days a month.  The woman acts like I am her worst enemy - always has.  I met her before I was even dating dh - their son was with me and she ignored me when I tried to speak to her.  I tried to talk to her one time -and she was rude and bossy - and I flew off.  Told her lawyer I was mad because she gets child support - total BS!  She will do anything to pull yss away from dh.  And she will, in my opinion, destroy yss to do it.  Court was in January and I stressed for five months (since our marriage) helping dh prepare and dealing with it all.  YSS had said he wanted to live here - he is 13.  A month before court, bm's employees start buying yss gifts and hanging out with him constantly.  He thinks he is cool, he has 20 and 30 year old buddies that buy him expensive things.  He turned on us - and here we are in debt to a lawyer.  

I decided that was it.  I detached myself from that turmoil.  When he is here, I treat him fine, though I have come to realize that I dont look at him that much anymore.  I know he was bought, but he is old enough to know that as well.  He has behavior problems, we got counseling for him, but his mother said he didnt have to go.  He is learning disabled and his last grades were awful.  This coming Thursday a decision will be handed down - he either stays in school with restrictions: he has to do home tutoring, or he has to go to an alternative school.  

I think his mother is the worst excuse for a mother I have ever known.  She had him hanging with her buddies to keep him there - and these are people that are convicted felons - and one has been arrested this month for grand larceny.  She lies constantly - in court all she said were lies.  She ignores the court order.  She doesnt discipline yss.  She is not paying her rent - but she buys him goodies all the time.  She can make a friend so easily and yet she is the most evil person I know.  She does things just to irritate dh, like demanding an hour difference in anything dh says....she only dates guys that are druggies...doesnt help yss with homework or even try to get him to do it.....

YSS steals.  The last I knew was 11 packs of $5 yugi-oh cards from his mom's store.  He had new spike bracelets from his mom this weekend.  He also had a linkin park wallet and a spinner belt buckle.  He claimed those newbies came from classmates but dh didnt beleive him.  DH thinks he stole the items.   The mom's take on stealing -all kids do it.  He cannot clean himself when he goes to the bathroom.  He overpours everything he drinks.....

I am so tired of this woman's lies and games.  I have even wanted dh to stop seeing yss just to have this entire turmoil out of our lives.  But, dh of course isnt going to do that.  And I know I wouldnt give up my children either.

I had decided to take the stance of 'look how the children we raise turn out'.  Dh's oldest son has lived with dh since parents divorced, he has graduated, has a car, his own place to live and works two jobs.  He eats dinner with us often.  My two girls are honor roll students and would get hysterical if they were to get in any real trouble in school.....I dont mean to compare to anyone but in my own head, so that I could feel better.

But, recently I feel myself being pulled back in.  When bm didnt bring yss until 8:30 friday night when she had been in town for over two hours eating out with friends......after telling her lawyer she couldnt make it here any earlier than 7 because of her work schedule...

tired of this woman yanking our chains.  Her being in control of times.  DH is tired of hearing yss constantly say I want, I want....because he is so used to getting goodies now.  All the kid thinks about is what he can get.  

I love my dh - but I dont like the way I feel because of his ex.....

[TwoBoys]

Only were just in the beginning.

Were getting married in less than a month, and his sons mother is the same way.  And their son is only 19 months.  We already have so many problems, its ridiculous.

And most of them sound a lot like this.  Im afraid of it because even with a barely 2 yr old, we dont have any behavior problems, but she does.  He now has 4 decayed teeth from her giving him sweets, a bottle at night, and letting him carry juice around in a bottle all day.  It takes abuot a day of him at our house to get him out of his old habits.  Hes used to being able to point and whine for anythign with her, with us he speaks, with her he doesnt.  She is amazedthat every time he comes back to her, hes talking away, and then he stops after a day of being wiht her.  She of course says that we stunted his progress, that his visit with us traumatizes him.

She continually tells him im "bad" and daddys "bad" and she gets angry if we show him any affection.

Its a mess.  She constantly yells and screams at fiance in front of their son, telling him hes a jerk, how he ruined her life, burned all of her dreams of a perfect family, etc.

Its a mess.  All i can say is i can empathize.

I keep hoping that as time goes by, shell get better, but its been almost two years (they were already split up when she found out she was pg), and nothing has changed, it only gets worse and worse.

TwoBoys...

[onedaddy]

ditto...

[TwoBoys]

Its so sad to see all of these situations.  

I know with us, its been very hard for me.  When DH's son was smaller, we bonded easily, he absolutely adored me.  As he gets older, he soaks in more of what his mother says, and it makes everything so mcuh harder.  He doesnt come to me as easily.  I have to fight like hell to be liked.  He is clingy, she has already said she coddles him and tries to spoil him so itll make it hard on us.  He sees DH so rarely that he just clings to him most of the time.  

He absolutely adores my son, who is 6, and even that is becoming harder.  BM says that my son is evil, mean, and to be careful of him.  Hes 6 for crying out loud!  its a mess.  I could probably even understand if shed ever met my son, and thought he was a holy terror or something, wild and unruly, but shes never even met him.  I dont think shes ever even barely seen him except in passing (seeing him in the back seat for a spare second as we leave the exchange point).

Sigh... who knows.

Ive helped DH fight like hell for almost 2 yrs now to see his son, but now were shelling out thousands of dollars every couple of months, and of our 3 or 4 days a month of visitation, we have to spend the entire time undoing what shes done the other days of the month.  Usually only takes a day or so, but when we get him friday ngiht and have to return him sun afternoon, its hard.

And of course, we have our own problems now as a result, including hte financial strain.

TwoBoys...

[onedaddy]

I grew up as part of a step-family.  I guess I knew there was some animosity but we NEVER saw.  We attended the same events and everyone was cordial to each.  Heck we all lived in the same neighborhood just to keep the relationship.  I never experienced this bull.  I just can't imagine how these kids are going to come out okay.  They are told not to hug or kiss me, not to tell their daddy they love him. At 3 my ss was afraid of us because his grandmother said "your daddy is a mother f***er" over and over and over.  Sometimes when DH is on the phone with them BM or her sister or her mother takes the phone from their hands and hangs up.  Their wonderful SF took the phone out of SD's hand and in front of both of them told DH he was going to "f*** him with his fist."  They constantly threaten DH with jail, se files false reports and tells them.  We  had it ordered they attend therapy and even then were forced to file a contempt.  Now they go, we even bring them 1x a month and all we hear are lies.  How can they get any hel[p if they go in and lie to her.
Everyone listens to this crazy b**** because SHE IS THE MOTHER!

It's hard not to want to give up.

[TwoBoys]

I wish i knew some advice to give, but if i did, wed take it ourselves!  

We face the same thing.  Weve tried calling just to SS can hear his dads voice, but it really only makes it worse.  She says "SS - PHONE!" and he of course, being 19 months old, doesnt come to the phone, he asks her to please tell him that its his daddy, she has a cuople of times int he past, and he immediately comes to the phone, but i think thats why she doesnt do it now.  She says "I cant stand having to tell my son that YOURE his father, so NO im NOT saying that, nothing in the court order says i have to".  And even when there are things in the court order, she says "no judge is going to tell ME how to behave".

She tells ss his daddy is a b*st*rd, im a wh*re, we ruined their lives, and constantly accuses us of abuse.  The physical abuse allegations slowed down a lot, because we finally said "fine, if you have proof of abuse, please, we are concerned for his well being, take a picture of any bruises, and file charges, and let them prove it. " that shut her up... she knew there was no abuse and i guess was trying to scare us into not exercising visitation.

we get psychotic emails all the time, her claiming shell fight tooth and nail to keep him from us, and that shell do whatever necessary to make sure visitation ends one day.

Its a mess.  Its hard, and its already affecting him and his relationship with this father, and me, and the rest of the family.

Even the ones hes the closest with - as soon as she finds out he has any kind of relationship with anyone in H's family, she starts the crusade against them.  And worse - her mother is all for it and helps her out.  Its a mess.  Her sister and father have shown a little sympathy for us, but apparantly not enough to knock some sense into the mother. :(

I wish i had an answer for a way to at least bring it to a halt, if not undo all the damage thats been done all around.  To top it off, were paying a fortune, and it just keeps happening.  Im afraid well have spent $50k by the time the child is grown, and as a result of her doings, he wont even want anything to do with us.  

TwoBoys...

[dipper]

It helps just to know others go through this - misery loves company or whatever.  Its just being understood.  goodness, last year before we got married, dh and his ex had went to court.  Dh couldnt afford a lawyer and her lawyer treated him like dirt - even bringing up stuff that legally could not be brought up.  I wrote a letter to the editor about the mistreatment of fathers in the court system......this was brought up in court against us.  Saying I had did something that yss could have read - excuse me, but yss has the capacity of less than a third grader - he could not have read this.  And no one here read it to him - and they were far away from here.  One of her friends faxed her a copy - now, how did this friend know me?  I wasnt married, hadnt did a public announcement of our engagement and am a very private person overall.  BM had to be talking about me - full name and all to this person who I still wouldnt know if I saw her....

Yes, bm has used my children as a defensive - saying we think my children are little angels and put down on yss.  YSS steals - all kids steal.  Yss fondles - he has hormones.  We are awful for thinking he has problems.

I feel for you and your dh.  Atleast with yss, he was 9 when parents split up.  But, he is learning disabled and is easily taken advantage of.  She acts like his best buddy, not his mom.  He is like the 'husband' since she doesnt have a guy right now.  IN your situation, bm is able to manipulate since birth.......

It does take a toll on a relationship when so much focus and anxiety is place out there.  And the financial stress - I have a real hard time not holding that against yss.........dh only went to court because yss said he wanted to live here.  He was asked several times before court if its what he truly wanted.  Then day of court, he is on the phone with his and his mom's buddies laughing and hooting it up......and telling us about all the goodies he is going to get....  Its hard to remember he is a pawn in this and not resent what he put us through...

[wendl]

Welcome to being a stepparent.  These mothers are so fricking insecure that they need drama in their lives to think they have control and they will if you let them.

Since they themselves are not happy they try and make you and dh unhappy, I personally won't subject myself to the lovely ex.  

My stepkids are great however after court, bm said some stuff to them and they wouldn't talk to me (after 4yrs of talking to me then nothing) dh talked to them and things got back to normal.

When they arrive at our home they are in dirty clothing and stink, it usually takes them a day to adjust to our house and our rules, but after that the weekends go great.  

We do what we can, I treat my ss's like I treat my son, no special attention all the kids deserves the same not more or less.

so as a stepparent we learn to juggle, we learn to try to help the children. I know my stepkids used to always say mom go this and that, but you know what when they get older they WILL NOT remember who bought what they will remember who did what with them, camping, fishing etc not the material things that some CP's purchased to buy their love.

Love is not purchased its given from the heart. It is free and does not cost and goes a lot farther later in life then the new video game.


My parents divorced when I was 8 and you know what I know my mom purchased me things, but I can't remember what they were, I DO remember camping, boating etc with my dad and going to a fair in Canada with my mom.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I just had to chime in here with my .02.  I am going thru all the same stuff you are.  There is one difference though.  I AM the bio mom. Ex won the custody eval and took the kids.  They did it by making my Dh out to be a child molester.  He and I both have clean child abuse clearances.  We were honest about the problems in our family.  Dh is Bi Ploar and has now been diagnosed and is under treatment.  He is stable and a wonderful father to our own two kids.  No one ever filed a child line.  No therapist and there has been a boat load of them.  No evaluator and we've had two.  I had to have a forensic eval of myself to prove to the judge that I'm not crazy.  In fac,t I am a psychiatric nurse with a BS degree in rehabilitation with a minor in psychology.  And Dh had to have a separate eval saying he could be alone with the two NC kids for more than one hour without supervision!  During this time he was doing all the daycare for our two kids while I worked.

The main perpertrator is the SM.  I do not understand why she would do this.  I don't even know her.  I tried to be friendly with her when they got together.  I even invited her into our mediation.  She left in a huff when after weeks of her high handed attitude and disrespect the mediator said, " But they aren't YOUR children."

I have read an excellent book called Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  I would recommend it to anyone going thru this.  It has proved helpful to me.

Thanks for listeneing.  If nothing else you now know that alienation works in reverse too.  Bm's do become the trgets, sometimes.

[dipper]

Backwardsbike, I am sure it happens in reverse many times.  I dont know why people do this - I am going into human services, so I have had many psychology classes.  I guess some of it boils down to insecurity, as another poster pointed out.  I try to remember that I wouldnt want anyone telling me how to raise my children, as we are all different......

In this case, yss is being hurt by the way he is raised - and I would go into this further as he has just been kicked out of school until his IEP team can decide whether to let him back in or make him go to another school.......mom said she would consider meds, but not counseling.  He has ADHD - but he is not hyper.  He is the most calm child you ever saw.  His problem is impulse control and he does not think at all about the consequences.....which dh and I feel would be helped more by counseling or even a combination of the two.  However, according to yss, she just told the school she was reconsidering meds, she really hasnt made any attempt to set up an appt.....

I feel for you -whichever side you are on, its awful and it can destroy your life if you let it....make you anger, bitter.

My dh and I had problems because of the stress, then I released it and life was so much better for us all, now with the current problems at school and dh once again considering fighting for custody, I have been trying to help him investigate and I have been stressed again and feel myself getting miserable and its almost obsessed.....I told dh last night - I cant do this, I value our relationship and my relationship with my children too much....