Dealing with the anger....

[dipper]

I have been a stepmom for nine months.  I knew my ss for three years.  He was instrumental in his dad and I dating actually.

My dh had 50% time with his son..and full custody of the oldest.  Two weeks before we married, bm moved two hours away.  DH tried to get custody, but her lawyer painted him horribly the first hearing, the second hearing ss told the judge he wanted to stay with bm.  She used to buy him only clothes for holidays or birthdays, but she began buying him cd's, brand name clothes, accessories, toys and such on a weekly basis...as well as encouraging her 20 and 30 year old friends to hang out with him. He is 13, so he thought he was a big somebody.  We tried to tell him it would end, but he didnt believe it.  It ended the minute she retained custody in court.  No more buddies to ride around with every night.

he is still out many nights as she lost her job and is back waitressing.  He also got kicked out of school for fighting and is now in a school where most children have been in juvenile hall already.

BM's bf moved a year ago from VA back to NH with his family.  He is a druggie, this we know for sure.  He has not been back to visit her since.  She went to visit him for the first time a few weeks ago, after lying to yss saying she was going to a work conference.  Now, she is lying to yss saying they are going to Atlantic City for vacation..when she is in fact taking him to NH to visit bf.

DH is upset and so am I.......we know she is planning on moving.  She has never taken yss on vacation anywhere.  And, she asked oss to go with her.......the only time she took him and yss anywhere was when she went for an interview when she was planning on moving four hours away (when she heard we were engaged).

We are mad knowing that she will do anything to separate dh from yss.  I also feel guilty as its like our marriage has taken his son away from him.  BM is now his best buddy.....there is no discipline, he never has to do homework.....he does as he pleases and gets goodies every week...he also knows that bm will cut him off if he chose to live here.  Just this past weekend he told oss (oss wanted her old computer)  "you know she is not going to give it to you unless you move there"  So, yss was acknowledging that bm will not do anything for oss because oss does not want to live in a big town.  She manipulates through what she can buy.......she gives to yss constantly - he chose to live with her.  OSS got a home of his own - she bought a few towels and that has been it...and in the past when he would be desperate for financial help, she would refuse because he chose to live with his dad.

I do not like the feelings I have with this - its like it has consumed my life -and I know I am less of a person than I was before.  I have children of my own and they are getting the short end of things as this anger at bm and how she gets away with all her dirty tricks burns away at me.  It also effects our marriage as I resent feeling this way and feel it wouldnt be like this had I not got married ....................

Has anyone else dealt with these issues that you have no control over...and taken control back over your own feelings?

[exwiferuinsson]

The best advice I can give is "disengage"
Step back and concentrate on your other children...
We went through 5 yrs of DH's ex creating total havoc in our lives, attempting to manipulate their child. Disneyland times at mom's, all kinds of material gifts, anything his heart desired....other than time and attention. That is what he got here. Three years in court with her attempting to change a 50/50 shared parenting agreement to her having sole custody.....end result....Nothing changed. She spent in excess of 30k..........since then she fell off the face of the earth, in other words, she hung up her battle.

Many times I felt the other children in our household were getting the short end of the stick, suffering because of the havoc she wreaked in our household. I will NEVER forgive her, DH agreed the court battle was the first and last he would engage in. He has other responsibilities, commitments and plans for his life. I have regained control of my feelings for the most part, but our home and relationships are that much stronger after going through what we did and life goes on.....

[momandstepmom]

You have my utmost empathy, first of all.

The only thing to do is carry on with your life as much as possible, presenting a stable homefront and as much structure as possible. It has more of an effect that you are aware of.

I have two of my own, 7 and 8, and a 7 yo SS. The ex is horrid. When the SS is with his mother, he's up until 2a.m., has no structure at all. Fast food every day, nc-17 movies and video games, etc. He is left in latchkey from the minute they open until the minute they close, and then dumped with babysitters. We are allowed NO contact with him unless it is specific scheduled parenting time. (standard fotc schedule used). He "gets the belt" on a regular basis, but DH's ex is an excellent actress. SS is not allowed to LOOK at or talk to his father if it isn't his parenting time. (we live in the same small town). The child is an emotional mess and speaks often of "the other side" of his head that is bad.
We continue to provide as much structure as possible when he's here. And when he's here he is great. Excellent, SMART kid. I can only hope it is enough to carry him through adolescence.

As far as the anger, I feel it every day with my own too. Bite it back, take a drive and scream. But don't let the kids see it. They likely already see so much. If there is abuse suspected, call CPS immediately. At the very least, an investigation will scare the crap out of the ex.

Every day I wonder why it has to be like this, and why adults can't just act like adults. (it's like beating my head against a brick wall!!!)

[Kitty C.]

'The child is an emotional mess and speaks often of "the other side" of his head that is bad.'

Just me, but this I'd be reporting.  This is NOT something a child would normally say and speaks of emotional and mental abuse.  I'd be calling DHS if it were me.

We've gone thru somewhat the same thing, as we live only 2 blocks away from SS in a town of less than 2500.  It used to be that way, to the point that SS would be literally punished if he so much as said hi to me on the street or in a store.  Lucky for us, SS has his daddy's stubborness and determination and started fighting back.   Now PBFH has a major behavior problem on her hands, is calling DH frequently on how to handle SS, and is actually acting more human towards us.  I knew she had finally loosened her grip when SS ran straight to my mom at a school function without hesitation.  

But your SS is younger and not as strong, at least yet.  And it sounds like the PBFH is much more poisonous than ours was.  This child is crying out for help the only way he knows how.  I know you have limited time and cannot have him seen by a professional yourselves, but either talk to the school and see if they've noticed or heard anything (they ARE mandatory reporters) or make a report to DHS.  This may be the only resource you have to try to get him the help he desperately needs.  JMO, but talk like that leads to self-destruction and possible teen suicide.

[dipper]

Thank you for your input.  Disengaging is my problem - I have trouble doing it.....I was doing well for a couple of months and was happier than I had been in a long time.  Then I just started getting pulled back in by the drama.  

Its just an overriding feeling of injustice -that the child is literally a piece of bm's property.  She can do anything she wants to with him and there is really nothing we can do.  If she does move to be with bf, ss is gone forever....

[dipper]

My YSS was nine when his parents split, and there was much tension in the home way before then from what I understand.  YSS already had issues, but it seems they intensified after the split.

I have even heard oss and dh say that they dont think the child has any real compassion for anyone.  He sees a role model that uses people for whatever she can get out of them, lies and succeeds, and walks all over people.  And it works for her!  So, ss is following in those footsteps.  He is so much like her in his behavior.  

He is 13 now and I really dont think there is anything we can do.  Had he came to live with us, counseling and rules would be in place.  But, with her there is no hope.  But, being 13, he is just out for fun now and her home is the place for that...........

Your ss sounds so young to be caught in such an aggressive campaign.  I hope he isnt pushed beyond what he can handle....

For me, I need to be more disciplined in letting this stuff go and keeping out of my marriage.  There is nothing wrong between dh and I....its just the added stress that gets in the way at times...