Should I talk to my SD

[Ref]

My SD just came for the summer. She is being PASed pretty bad at this point. BM chooses not to work and complained to SD that DH has to send SD to camp instead of BM having her for the summer. (we are 1400 miles away from her, so unless she wants to pay for a hotel there is no practical Right of refusal). BM makes SD call for money, she has shown her the parenting plan and other legals and letters between DH and BM. The prob with this is that she twists things DH does to make him look mean, so even the most innocent letter might look bad.

I grew up with my mother PASing me. She still says stuff about my dad with ugly hate in her voice when she feels threatened. I want to talk to my SD about it. I want to tell her about the emotional struggles I went adn go through and what I wish I had done as a teenager to make things better.

What do you think? Is this a bad idea? I have DH's blessing. I do not intend on making it about her specifically, but about difficult times being a teenage girl with parents that don't get along.

[4honor]

And as a girl who was PAS'd (including the 'S') I would have given my left breast to have had the chat you are considering with someone I trusted. It would have saved SOOOOOOO much pain...

As a matter of fact, you wouldn't want to do an IM with SD looking on about what it was like when we were girls?

You can see the pain in your DH. And you remember the pain from your own childhood... I have waited 22 years to heal some of it. (Just got a major restoration point about 2 weeks ago.)

[Ref]

and I am concerned about my DH's pain, but the pain I really want to help avoid is my SD's. When her mother pushes her to "fight her own battles" and I can hear SD's voice waivering as she is trying to tell DH about why she doesn't want to see him, it reminds me so much of the pain I went through. I just see her being used like I was and still am to the extent that I let it, by my mom.

I was told horrible things about my dad, but what was worse was the subtle ways my mother would imply that he was a bad person. I got to the point that I hated my father and shortly after that I hated them both. I realized after I moved out of my mom's house that she had been lying to me and manipulating me, so I hated her but the poison was still in me about my dad. It took another year before I patched things up between me and my dad and it took 14 years before I made things better between me and my mom.

Funny, SD saw me hug my dad last winter and she says to me, "you are closer with your dad, huh?" I told her that I love both my parents. She didn't buy that answer at all, but I dropped it. Now I think I will tell her that she was right, I am closer with my dad, and this is why........

[someonewhocares]

Let us know how it goes. I am lucky I did not have to go thru this. My dad just did not have much to do with us. Mom tried to make him but he was just not intrested, but on a good note everything is great with him now.

[dontunderstand]

My SD goes through the same thing.  As did I by both parents.  I would say talk to her.  I talk to my SD and let her know that it is all right to talk to me about anything.  My DH and I have to talk to her at the beginning of every visit so that she understands that it is okay to openly love us and that we do love her no matter what anybody says.  It is very sad.  Just be there for her and let her hear and see how much you both love her.  Even as she grows up she will see, and probably does now, that things are not how BM is telling her they are.  She will grow up to despise her mom, unfortunately, but she will also see that you love and care for her and that she is not alone in this world!  I now have a better relationship with my stepmom than I do with my own mother. Good luck.

[Ref]

It turned out to be more of a conversation than a talk. She actually initiated it for the most part. I told her about being kicked out when I was 16 from my moms before dinner. During dinner she asked me if I was let back home and then she asked me why it happened. It was a very natural progression for me to say, "just like your parents not getting along, mine didn't either and it was hard enough being a teenager without that stress". I let her lead the conversation for the most part.

I told her about my mom's issues and how she made me hate my dad. I told her about the spoucifying. I told her about how she made me feel about myself by comments about my dad.

The really sad part of the conversation was when she asked, "why do you still talk to her?" I explained (and probably should explain to her again) that I love my mom and she is a complex person who went through a lot in her life. She is a good person but even the best people have flaws. You see, her mom has disassociated herself from everyone in her family for very little cause. She is a very unforgiving person. It is sad to me that SD sees reconciliation as something strange.

If any of you have any other questions, feel free to PM!!!

Thanks for your support
Ref

[wendl]

That is great that you were able to talk and let her lead th converstation, I had troubles with my mom too and my son doesnt understand why his dad wants to part of his life, I explain the best I can, hope for the best.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**