hi! new member. Please help!!!

[upsetstpmom]

Hi! I'm a new member & a stepmom of a 5 year old boy & mom of an 11 month old girl! My husband (not officially, but commonlaw for 2 years) and I have had so many problems with my ss's BM that I don't know where to begin. We have been living together for more than 2 years, but he has been dealing with this since his son was less than a year old. When I first came into the picture, the problems from her were mostly just her trying to get me out of the picture. She called and told lies about me, (my husband and i met when his ex and i worked at the same restaurant, and were kinda "friends") bringing him breakfast while he when he got out of his morning classes, and anything she could possibly think of. She would tell him that her & his son went to the park that day & his bike broke & she didn't know how to fix it. told him that he needed them to spend time as a family and lots of other things. He, being a man whose life revolves around family, was torn between moving on with me or making things work with her for the sake of his son. In fact, after we moved in together, he went back twice before he knew where he wanted to be! We have been through everything from false accusations of domestic violence from my husband to her, to suspensions of visitation due to "endagerment of the child's well-being", to CS modidfications, to lord knows what else! One of the most amusing was when I was & months pregnant with our child, she told my husband that if I wasn't preg, she would whoop my *** because i stole her family that she had always dreamed of & that she hated me for it (mind you, she was the one who caused him all these problems AND filed for the divorce). Even since then, it has been one problem and another on and on! Just recently, she called my husband and told him that she thought that they she start talking more when i was not around because he was not rude to her. I, of course, was listening right beside him, but he thinks that if we don't tell her that I'm around that she will talk more! the way I look at it, not only does that make ME look like the enemy, but it is disrespectful to me and my feelings to not tell her that he and I are married and that he doesn't keep things from me. If she has something she wants to tell him, then she can say it whether or not she thinks I'm listening. Am I wrong? If I am being selfish about this, please, I need someone to let me know. I'm having an even harder time dealing with this right now than i ever heve before because I know that even though he and I have been together so long, she still thinks that she is #1 & that she can get him back! I have dreams about fighting her, and cussing her, and dreams where my husband will not stand up to her when she talks bad about me or our daughter. What should I do? Please help!!!!!!!!

[DMcD]

You are walking a hard road that many have traveled before. All I can do is give you a little perspective to help you regain a little sanity back into your life. Your DH's ex is going to manipulate you and your family. She will get better with her tactics as the years pass. You need to keep a step ahead of her. What she will do is place your DH in the difficult position of choosing one child (hers) over another (yours). It's a sick game of Sophie's Choice that many of these psychos play. They tire of the game if you and DH refuse to play. Keep pristine records. There are articles on SPARC that will show you how to document everything. Download the Parenting Time Tracker. Do everything you can to make a paper trail. If you catch her in enough lies, the court (mediators, GAL's, judges, etc.) will not be able to believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

She will use you if you let her. Ignore her behavior as much as humanly possible. If you don't, you will begin to think you are going crazy. She will use your DH. You can't control his behavior, but his love for his child will force him to humor her psychotic behavior. Try to understand that he is insane with the fear of loosing his child. Try to imagine what it is like. CPS has taken your child and you have to do everything the social worker says before you are able to see your precious child (even though you have done NOTHING wrong). Now imagine the social worker is on PCP. It may sound silly, but you're dealing with an unstable person. Try to understand where he is coming from. Once you do, dealing with the BS from the ex is a little easier to swallow.

Finally, don't hate her. Be indifferent. Or even better, pity the woman. What a sad, pathetic, horrible life she must live to feel the need to twist everything to make herself feel like she is right. She makes her perception a reality to everyone around her. Except most everyone can see through it and knows what a rotten, horrible excuse for a person she really is. And thank God you are not in her skin. You have a beautiful new baby, a (hopefully) wonderful husband and a new life. All you have to do is look forward to a wonderful future. She'll spend the rest of her life pining over the past. I'd take your life over hers any day of the week.

So, take a long, hot bath, have a glass of wine and relax while you think of how great you have it compared to the wicked witch who's at home thinking about everything she's lost and trying to justfy to herself that it was all his fault.

You take care and if your relationship gets bad, see a marriage counselor or a pastor before it's too late. A lot of people here have had to let go of their marriages because the ex was just too much to handle. After nearly 10 years, I usually laugh at the ex when she calls me and starts cussing and making threats. It's just so pathetic, it's funny.

[wendl]

Ain't that the truth DM.

Also many of these woman live in a fantisy world, they are so unhappy the only thing that makes them THINK they are happy is to try and ruin your life with your DH.

Ignore her, kill her with kindness and ignore her childish games, think of your child and your future with DH.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[BigFamily]

Hello,

I'm new to this sight also, but have been a step-mother for approximately eight years, and I KNOW what you are going through. Reading your situation is like deja-vue to me.

The most important piece of advice that I can give you that took me years to learn is this: YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM. YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT THE VICTIM. No matter what the BM says about you to others, to the court, to your husband, you have control over your response to the situation. You have the ability to learn and understand why this person is doing what she is doing to you and your husband.
The ONLY victim in this situation is your step-son. At 5, he DOESN'T have the ability to understand the situation that he has been placed in. He doesn't have the ability to understand why Dad and Mom can't even stand to be in the same room without screaming at each other, or totally ignoring each other. He doesn't have the ability to understand why Mom is saying such bad things about you and Dad. He doesn't have the ability to understand why everyone whom he loves is always tense, self-absorbed, and distracted when all he wants is attention.
When she places you and/or your husband in the "psycho" situations that will (not might) happen, your FIRST priority is to think about the affect that your's and your husband's response will have on your step-son. It's not about defending yourself, it's not about defending your husband, it's not about defending your reputation. It's about protecting your step-son from seeing, as much as is in your control, the very bad behavior that "adults" can display in highly emotionally-charged situations.
Once I started focusing on protecting my step-son instead of myself, situations became a LOT easier to handle. I could disassociate myself from her accusations, threats, TRO's, court hearings, on and on.
It also helped me to realise that, no matter who would have been in my position, they would be going through the exact same thing that I was/am going through. What she does isn't personal. Sounds insane, because it sure feels personal. But, it isn't. Jay Lo could be in your position, and she'd be feeling the brunt of that woman's anger, going through the same thing that you are going through now. It's not you, it's the position that you happen to have that used to be her's that she resents.
Another thing, whenever she attempts to drag you into one of those situations, smile and wave. Make sure your husband does the same thing. Boy howdy, does THAT get them riled up. She's looking for a response from you that will satisfy her need to see you "evil" because that is how she thinks of you, no matter if you've done anything to her or not. When she doesn't get it, stand back. Let me tell you, the QUICKEST that my husband's ex ever took him to court was when I started smiling and waving to her. What was really satisfying was when she actually told the judge that she wanted to make my husband into a "EOW father" (they have 50/50 physical custody) because I was smiling and waving at her! The judge actually rolled his eyes, and threw the motion out of court.  
It's also actually stopped her, I believe, from taking my husband to court so much. It used to be like clock-work, every 3 to 4 months. She would start something completely stupid, and being as stupid as her, we would respond the way SHE wanted us to respond, and bam! we'd be back in court. For the past year, we've only been to court once. Like that old adage goes, "Ignore it, and it will go away." ;-)

Hope the above LONG post helps you a little bit.