taking a risk posting here...stepmom is not evil

[justme73]

my ex and i are already working with a communication deficit. since he remarried, he has almost completely stopped communicating with me and encourages his new wife to maintain communication with me as well as she has taken over all of the children's daily care needs at his home... he has taken a more old fashion fatherly role in their lives.
for the most part that does not bother me, except that he has filed for full custody. i don't understand how he feels he should be primary custodian, when he doesn't do the work. currently we have joint custody, i i have been the children's primary caregiver.

communication with the stepmother has created many problems, including but not limited to miscommunications to my ex, or he breaks an agreement stepmom and i reached on an issue.

the other problem is that i feel that she crosses the line with her involvement. it seems at times that my co-parent relationship doesn't really involve my ex much anymore... it is between me an stepmom. she enters any discussion (via email) that i am having with my ex, sending me very long emails about her feelings on issues, and takes over his side of the communication.

this has happened enough that our daughter's pulmonologist (at our last appointment) told my ex that he needed to tell his wife to stay out of this issue and stop calling the doctor's office. she told my ex that he and i need to communicate, not stepmom and i and that she would not be providing information to stepmom.

our children love her very much and i know that she is the care giver for them at dad's house, because i hear it from the children. i am very happy they have a good relationship with her and tell them every day that they are lucky to have the family they have... 2 moms, 2 dads, etc... and she is a great person, i just feel there is a line.. and it is being crossed.

we have an allergist appointment coming up. is is unreasonable to request that the appointment only be attended by our daughter, me and my ex (mom and dad)?

our situation also makes that physician uncomfortable and he has expressed that to me. and i feel like these issues should be handled between mom and dad. certainly my ex has an obligation to incorporate her feelings into his decisions, but i feel like when she is around in those situations it is counterproductive to my co-parent relationship with my ex.

i have just gotten an email from her today. she wants us all to meet with the children's psychologist to discuss 'issues that have come up this summer' and allow the psychologist to mediate those issues. i feel like if the situation needs mediation, it should be between my ex and i... and no one else, even my husband.

what do you think? please do not attack me, i am honestly looking for input here to help the situation, not be criticized for my feelings.
how should i handle this? and are my feelings unreasonable?

[4honor]

Only you can decide if the situation applies. However, if you keep in mind the following it may help you:

The SM is the primary caregiver at BF's house. Since your child seems to have some considerable medical issues, SM will need the information in the medical appointments to have consistency of care.

You said you have "joint" custody, but you do not remark whether that is full 50/50 or joint legal and visitation to the father... there is a large difference. He may be asking for custody, because he wants more time with the kids. Remember he has to work to earn a living and someone will have to care for the children while he is at work. What is better, to be with a SM who loves them and cares for them, or a day care worker? If you are not at 50/50, consider an increase in time - step up gradually over 12-18 months - to a 50/50 plan if it is geographically possible. (I advocate for a child having as much time as possible with two fit parents.) If 50/50 is not possible, then go for as equal a split as is possible.

As far as long emails, maybe SM is worried that you will misunderstand something she is saying, something that should be said -- something that BF and she have discussed but he won't bring up (just vent to her) -- and she does not know how to be succinct.

Perhaps SM witnessed something that really needs addressed and BF is reluctant to suggest therapy (most guys will not.) If there has been some continuing conflict, family therapy with both sets of parents and the shared children may be in order. My SS was "playing" his parents and if it were not for my "interference" they would have kept blaming each other for things, when it was just SS playing both ends against the middle.

Although I think it is the bio-parents' job to take care of Dr appointments and parent teacher conferences, if you are having communication problems with your ex, possibly it is his pattern and SM is not getting any useful information from him either. She has to go to the source to properly care for your kids while in their care. Maybe have SM wait in the waiting room with the other kids and go out for coffee and to discuss the appointment afterwards so that you are all on the same page.

I also think you need to tell them that he and his wife need to present a united front and stand by the decisions one or the other makes. That you have no problem dealing with SM, but they need to decide on issues PRIOR to talking it over with you. If you make an agreement with one, then you should be able to depend on it. If he would rather make his own decisions then he needs to have his wife "take a step back".

Maybe have a once a month (or once a quarter) coffee session with both parents and step parents. Make sure it is in a busy family restaurant (they are used to a little more noise, but the public nature of the place will help keep everyone on best behavior.) You are all adults aren't you? Then I am sure you can get along long enough to work things through, do some planning and discuss the kids' progress over the last time period.

Finally, as far as you and your ex managing OK prior to SM coming along, that is your perception. He may have had other ideas and just refused to talk about them. She hears about it night and day for a week, a month, or whatever and encourages him to stop venting and DO something about how he feels. So he takes a harder stance than he had intended to make up for NOT doing something sooner.  Ignore any posturing.

Remember when you are dealing with either one of them to give them the common courtesy you would treat any stranger with... it will go a long way to heal old hurts and begin a new "working" relationship.

[justme73]

thank you for your response, but it didn't really apply to our situation exactly. some of what you said is very helpful.

i always provide a very detailed account of all doctor's appointment via email. and as a bioparent, my ex can represent her concerns.

i never said we 'managed fine' before her.... what i am saying is that prior to his marriage, he actually communicated with me himself, but now has designated her to maintain his parental, even co-parent responsibilities.

and we have a 50/50 situation. and you are right... he wants more time, away from me. he works all the time, i do not.
and that in SM or day care worker?? no.. doesn't apply here, not sure where that came from, in fact i am denied FROR for them to stay with stepmom. i realize that is a sensitive issue, but understand i do not ask for EVERY day that dad is a work. but during the summer, when i do not work and he is at work, i should have the right to at least spend ONE of those days with them, if he is unable to do so.

[justme73]

another important part of our situation is that dad really encourages stepmom to take this role in the children's lives.... actually attempts BM to relinquish responsibilites for stepmom to do them.

BF has told BM that he and SM and SSs are the children's only 'real' family and they only have one family. the children say BF has told them this as well.

joint custody.... 50/50 time share.

[flewwellin]

I am a stepmom and here is my opinions:

As far as the full custody issue it should remain with you.  You are mom and have been providing for the kids.

As far as the miscommunication, things are interpreted differently.  She may or may not be intentionally doing this.

As far as decision making your ex should either make all the decisions with you, agree with what the stepmom and you have come up with or step completely out of it.  He is the one making it difficult on you, not the stepmom.

As far as doctors appt's she's probably just very concerned. She has more than likely bonded with your children and things that concern you and your husband very likely concerns her too in regards to the kids. She actually sounds like a very loving person and it could hurt her feelings to be taken out of this aspect of the kids lives.  Maybe you can compromise and say she is allowed to go, however she has to communicate her concerns with your ex and he will be the one to let you know their unified opinion and not her.  This should make it easier on you.  Also as far as the doctors and their wishes obviously it may make some sort of difference with them and what they demand out of patients parents, however it is ultimately up to you and ex to determine who sits in on appts.

Your feelings aren't unreasonable!  You and your ex created your kids, not this other woman.  It's natural for you to feel some sort of invasion however unfortunately this happens with divorce and remarriage.  I think she is actually lucky to have you as the biological mom to her step kids!  (you could be evil you know!)  

[flewwellin]

BF is overstepping I believe.  He should chill out and be happy things are running smoothly.  I understand the desire to have full custody of kids (remember I'm a stepmom) HOWEVER children need their mom's just as much as they need their dads.  I believe 50/50 is the best thing for children.  As far as who watches the kids during the summer I dont' think just because you are mom you should have them (I'm not saying you said that) I do agree that you should have access to them during the times they are in the custody of their father even if he is at work and they are with step mom.  

As far as BF discussing things with the kids he needs to shut his mouth and discuss them with you.  He needn't say anything like the above statement at all.  Sounds like you have your hands full.

[skye]

honestly buy 2 copies of the book "stepwives" and give her a copy and you read a copy ....especially the chapter on men on the outside men on the inside...

[justme73]

thank you for the responses. you have been very helpful.

[kittencaboodle]

I know I'm not though, because you seem really nice.  :D

I'll tell you though, when you cut the step-mom out of the discussion, oyu are cutting a very valuable asset out as well.  Frankly, if you go to this mediation, I would encourage you, your husband, your ex and his wife to be htere because you all have different points of view that the psychologist needs to hear.  

If the step-mom takes any sort of care of the children at your ex's house, she does need to be presant at the dr's appointments as well.  

Imagine if you were in charge of something very valuable but you only got the care instructions second-hand...  You'd probably find it frustrating to get the responsibility but not enough information.  

I attend everything with my husband, although his ex won't give us any health information.  I have attended mediation with a therapist as well as parent-teacher conferences.  And I do it because, in our household, I have half the say.

I don't think you are unreasonable in your feelings, but I don't think it is in your kids best interests to cut either the step-mom or your husband out of the loop.  

[kittencaboodle]

>. i realize that is a sensitive
>issue, but understand i do not ask for EVERY day that dad is a
>work. but during the summer, when i do not work and he is at
>work, i should have the right to at least spend ONE of those
>days with them, if he is unable to do so.

Where do you live?  I know in Indiana, it lays it out pretty clearly that during the week, the non-custodial parent at the time gets a 4 hour visitation with the kids.