NEW MEMBER....DOES THIS EVER STOP?

[reellis527]

I don't think you are being selfish at all, I often feel the same way.  Significant others fail to realize the added stress kids bring.  Me and my fiance have three children, and when his daughter comes it's four.  His daughter stays with us every other Wednesday through Monday and fiance seems to never ever be home when his daughter is there.  When I say you need to stay home with her or find a sitter for her he flips out and thinks I am simply isolating her because she is not my own child.  That is not true at all, I believe he should spend the time he begged the courts for with his daughter.  Step daughter doesn't care for me to much and I believe it is because I am the one who disciplines her while daddy only sees her for short amounts of time and he is always playing with her.  She cries when he leaves and I try to explain hey you need to take her or do something with her.  Well with all of that said I love my SD absolutely whole heartedly to death but I should not be her sole provider.  I take care of her more than her mom, in two years her mother has not combined her hair once!, doesn't clip her nails, doesn't do anything.....

I can't wait until our visitation becomes every other weekend, there will be less stress and I won't have to worry about baby mother getting a free pass not to take care of her child.

[southernfury01]

I really feel for you and every other step parent that has to go thru this kinda thing. I am in my 2nd marrage now for 8yrs. I have a SS 16 and a SD 19. the SS was just returned to the custody of his BM after being a C.H.I.N.S case and in the custody of the state for the last 4yrs. When he was 12 he had some behavorial problem at home..eg...he threw a sock at his BM (she called the cops and had him arrested for assault), he hit his sister on the arm with a rolled up paper (cops called again, arrested for assault..again). slammed his bedroom door (cops called, attested for distruction of private property)...the list goes on and on...in the court the probation office suggested that he come live with us..in return the BM told the counceler that DH was verbally and physically abusive to her and the kids because..and i quote " he told me to shut up, and he forced the kids to sit for time out"...well needless to say he no longer (by choice) sees either of his kids, sad for the kids but at lease she cannot put them in the middle any more. He is just discusted with the whole thing and pretty much fed up. BM called the house once and i answered the phone and she started getting mouthy, and i told her that if she could not call "My" home and be respectful to "Me", don't bother calling again, and write it in a letter and i hung up on her. That was the last time she called, after that the kids called.

But what really irk's me the most is that 85% of the time the step-parent is the one dealing with the children regularly..BUT then the CP, the courts and the government have the nerve to say that we have no say and that it does not concern us..What a load of crap!

The last time we were in court and i spoke up, the judge said that i couldn't make a statement because "I was not involved in this matter, I was just a bystander" Well to that i replied "Bet you would think I was involved If i were to beat their asses". To that he had no reply...


I have 2 sons of my own 21, 9. My ex and i get along better now than when we were married. I have my 9yr from 5am to 5pm every day and the weekends and holidays we discuss. There is absolutely no arguing. He has his life I have mine. It took alot of communication between us at the beginning of the divorce to decide how not to behave so that we did not screw up our kids. Our problems are not theirs.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if they all worked this way?
Alot of parents just see the kids as a way to get back at the other parent instead of just telling them to their face and getting rid of all the hostility.. (sigh) can't see it changing any time soon.

Now my advice is:
Your first responsibility is to "your" children and that you and your hubby sit down and decide what is the best solution for the 2 of you and "His" children. wether that means not seeing them until their old enough to have a say in the matter, or him just excercise visitation when "he" will be home to take care of them. And "do not" under any circumstances let the BM speak to you or treat you in any disrespectful manner no matter what steps you have to take, and your hubby should back you up on that one. Visitation is not enforceable by law..If buying school clothes or other items arn't in the divorce decree, don't buy them.  Don't be a free babysitter...don't make her life easier by making yours harder. Remember, the courts do not care, as long as the kids are being paid for.
Good luck & best wishes

[wendl]

Welcome to being a stepparent.

I to heard the horror stories from people about my dh's ex and informed them I couldn't judge someone based on their opinions, then she crossed the line and I realized what kind of person she really was.

I used to buy my stepkids school clothes, supplies (even though she got FREE supplies thru united way, they some how never ended up at the school)

I stopped that, as she gets enough $ from CS and IF she actually worked she would be doing fine.  

They like the drama, they like to TRY and make your life hell and try to break you and your dh up.  NOT and HASN"t worked here. NO way in hell we will let either of our ex's come between us.

I don't talk to dh's ex anymore, that is between dh and her, I will talk to dh about stuff if he asks me my opinion (which he does because all our decisions regarding our lives are mutual decisions.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**