NEW MEMBER....DOES THIS EVER STOP?

[dsbhde0707]

:(
Hello, this is my first post, and I need some support...BAD!!!

I am a new step-mother...4 months, but have involved for over 3 years.
My dh and I live about three hours from his kids, and the BM is blocking visitation and contact, and has now "claimed" to have turned me into CPS!!!!! She lies about everything, so I am not sure if she has truly done this.

I am not sure what is going on with her, but I hope some of you will help me understand her motive, and what I can do.

When my DH and I first got together, I heard all the ex-wife horror stories, and made it clear that I would not judge her by what was being said by my inlaws and DH, rather I would treat her fairly, until she gave me reason not to.

Our relationship started off fine, as a matter of fact, she had never met me and let me drive 1.5 hours to get the kids (who didn't know me well themselves). She would contact me to set up visitation, which was fine....my ex would get sick to his stomach when he heard her voice.
She even contacted me on a few occasions and asked me to talk with the kids about behavior issues she was having with them. She also called me one night in tears, because the kids said they wanted to live with us. I assured her that I was a mother as well, and I would never advocate to remove a child from a mother, unless there was just reason.

This relationship continued the same for about 1.5 years. I became pregnant and things began to change. The kids stay with us 7 weeks out of the summer, well my baby was born 5 weeks early, and my DH called her and asked if the kids could come home for a few weeks, due to the baby being in ICU and the extra stress we were under. I wanted the kids to come back and finish their visit before summer was over...I just needed time to re-coop. I have three children, the baby and the stepkids made six. DH ad to work, I had a c section and a newborn and a teen with bipolar!!! Needless to say, she refused to let them come home..it was tough, but I survived!!!

Come time for the next visit, she refused to let them come, saying they told horror stories of how I treated them, and that I slept too much, and that they were scared of me and my son!!!! I couldn't believe my ears!!! I tried to discuss it with her, but it got me nowhere, she went as far as to call my house and call my son, "f@#@# psycho on my answering machine!!!! It soon settled as summer neared, and she was ready for them to come back.

SD came here with head lice, so BM and I ended up talking and all was fine....so I thought!!!! When the kids returned home after the 7 week visit all the drama and acqusations started again, and she denied visitation, because I treated them bad!!!! What really happened was I found out that she had claimed the tax deduction she wasn't entitled to plus she took a check for $800 in overpayment from the tax interception!!! The worst is she had asked me to help buy school supplies and shoes for the kids....knowing she had done this!!! Money was tigt for us, but I did help her out, and was very upset when I found out what she had done. I emailed her and asked if she would do the rigt thing and work out a plan to pay it back. Well, that was it!!!! She too my DH to court raised his support, and has done everything in her power to keep them away.

They came about two weekends, and the last weekend they came is when she called CPS. She claims I told my SD that my SS was a brat and that I didn't like him. I never said that, and I am very depressed about what I see her doing to her kids. I have told my DH that the kids cannot come to my home anymore, because I am terrified of what me or my children may be accused of next!!! SD and I are very close and I miss her dearly. SS is not too fond of me, but I understand because I had step parents too, his feeling towards me are normal, but mom claims it is because I am mean too him.

I am very upset about all of this, I am not worried about CPS...I have nothing to hide, but what she puts the kids thru is very disturbing,,,and she doesn't care one bit. She just wants to hurt someone....and all seems directed at me.....she doesn't think twice about what all this does to her children!!!!

Please help!!! I am very urt and confused by all of this!!!!

[Ref]

So many of us on this board have something like this to deal with. It ranges from minor crankiness from exs to accusations of child molestation.

How old are the stepkids? You can raise the matter to them. Tell them that you understand that they have a problem with you (they will know who told you that) and that you care about them a great deal but do not want to get in the way of their realtionship with their dad. Offer to spend the day with your children and leave them with dad. Maybe that will help. Even better, tell husband that you will step aside for at least an afternoon during visitation so that he can be alone with the children (all of them) and go get a pedicure or massage or have a couple glasses of wine with the girls.

Another idea is mainly for your SS. How about having a girl day and the boys have a boy day. You can go window shopping and then go home and set up a beauty parlor. The boys can go bowling or to a sporting even. Maybe SS needs more dad time.

This won't end. It is not good news to hear, but it will not if she is anything like most of the custodials we have to deal with. You need to take care of yourself. This type of this has pulled marriages apart.

I know what you mean by DH not wanting to talk to ex. I don't like answering the phone myself when it is her. She is rude to me. I don't like it either but she doesn't yell. I do not deal with her at all.  DH answers sometimes but has now decided he will screen all calls. (accusations have gotten bad and we need to record all conversations).

As far as denial of visitation goes, does she simply not send them or is she manipulating them even more not to want to even come? Either way, you have to insist that you will spend time with them especially if they are young.  You should be flexible if they play sports and the like, but if they do, go to the game if at all possible.

For you though, you have to work on stepping aside and toughening your and your husband's skin. I know it is heartbreaking. We have delt with it ourselfs. Ours iscomplicated because SD is s teen and we have little control over whether she physically comes or not. At a young age, it is easier.

You need to look out for yourself and your kids. I know it isn't right, but you can not control a lot of what is happening w/ stepkids, but you can control your own to a greater extent. It sounds like you have some complications with oyur own kids right now. A teen w/ bipolar and an infant sound like a lot.

About calling CPS because you called SS he was a brat, HAHAHAHAHA! CPS would be the largest government agency if it took that to start an investigation. She has room to talk, calling your son what she did! Ignore that one.

She has moved to the realms of PBFH. Welcome. Your best bet is to anticipate and adjust. I am not saying to stop making them eat their veggies, just explain, or better yet have dad explain WHY they need their veggies. I also advocated making visitation time for DH "me time". Hell, it gets me away so that BM can't accuse me of being around too much, gives them time alone, and my feet never looked so pretty! You have the complication of having so many kids. Maybe a sibling or parent can sit for yours while you get a quick haircut????

I am repeating myself... Sorry.

Good Luck and post ANYTIME! Between all of us here, we have pretty much seen everything.

Ref

[dsbhde0707]

okay...the kids are 12 and 9. SS 12 SD 9. We have discussed this with the kids after the second time I was accused of being abusive. DH, myself, and the kids all discussed the seriousness of what was being said by them, and what negative things could come out of it. Both kids were in tears and claimed they never made any of the statements BM claimed they did. We told them not to worry about anything, and to just remember to always be honest about everything.

There mother tells them not to discuss their lives at her house at all. We tell them they are free to discuss anything that happens in our home, because we have nothing to hide, and when their father asks about their lives at home, it is to see how school is going, and what they are doing for fun, etc.... not to get anyone in trouble. SS reported that BM was leaving them home alone all night while she worked, and this is why he was ordered to keep quite. She also tells them they do not have to answer me or obey me.

BM reports that the kids are scared and do not want to visit, although SD cries to DH on phone because they can't come as planned, and will sometimes ask to speak with me, or tells DH to tell me hello (depending on how close BM is). I do believe they are scared to come, but they are scared that we are going to be upset with them about the drama BM has caused.....she does report everything that the adults do to the kids.....once they get here and see we aren't mad, things are fine!!!! Until they go home, and it starts all over!!!!

She lives so far away that it is difficult to enforce the visitation, she will call at the last min. to say they can't come and then block all phone and email contact from DH. He filled contempt charges and she was ordered to let him see the kids and to follow the court order.....like that made her listen!!! She does what she wants, when she wants, and always gets away with it!!!!

We do the guy time girl time thing...doesn't matter. I bend over backwards to make sure the kids are treated equal, and I think she is threatened by the fact the kids do like me and she knows she has not always been a real great mom. I don't want to take her kids, hell I have enough of my own!!!!

I have decided they cannot return to my home until this is settled. With my sons diagnosis I am scared she will try to make sexual claims, and my son doesn't need to go thru that. After the nasty things I have seen her pull without even considering her own childrens feelings/well being, I have no reason to believe she wouldn't hurt mine without so much as blinking an eye.

[dsbhde0707]

sorry...i a new, what does PBFH mean?

[topnotchdad]

I'm pretty new here, but I think that PBFH means "Psychotic Bleep from H*ll."

I can't give you much advice, since I am pretty much going through the same stuff as you are.  I have tried being nice to SD's mom (who was never married to DH and actually was never even dating him--long story).  She has called me crying on numerous occasions, I have bailed her out by picking up SD from school when mom wasn't able to, bringing lunch money & supplies to school, etc.  I have even babysat her PBFH's other kids, taken them places that their mom won't take them, cooked meals for them when she was sick, etc!  And do you want to know how she has decided to repay me?  By saying I'm a "babysitter" and don't count as a parent in the right of first refusal.

The only thing I can say is that SD (7) is starting to realize that her mom has mental issues, and that she shouldn't believe what she's saying about DH and me.  I have taught SD that if you think someone is lying to you, it's usually easier to avoid confrontation by pretending you believe them....she applies this to her schoolmates and her mom.  When she says she's worried she will turn out like mom, I point out that she should examine what her mom does that hurts her feelings, and use it to make herself a better person.  I told SD that having to be nice to her mom, even when I disagree with her, has made me a more patient, level-headed person.  Your stepkids will figure it out eventually....

I'm not sure about the forbidding them to come to your house thing.  That may alienate them even further.  Perhaps you can just make sure that your son isn't alone with your stepkids to avoid any accusations of inappropriate behavior?  

Good luck, and know that you have lots of step-mom's on your side!

[dsbhde0707]

I am not sure about that either, its a tough call. I love the kids dearly, and with six of them in the house ranging in age from 18 months to 14 years, I cannot constantly watch them. They are not ever left alone without supervision or an adult in the home....but PBFH still starts crap.

Since my son is bipolar, his sleep is sporatic...I would have to stay awake 24 hours a day to make sure I was always present.

Here is the other issue, and I addressed this with BF. He works two jobs and I am left to care for the kids 80% of the time....this is when the visit is 7 weeks in the summer.....Although BM knows this, she doesn't mind when it means she doesn't have them for an entire summer, only when it means she has to do 1/2 the transporting for the weekend visitation during the winter is she bothered by this!!!

Anyway, caring for 6 kids, one who is bipolar,(plus hold a full time job) is too much for me to handle. I told DH it was not fair to my kids, me, or his kids....afterall they come to see him not me. I am left to disipline and set the rules and limits, which only makes the kids view me as the wicked witch!!!

I sugggested he get them a few weeks in the summer when he is on vacation from one job (it would work out that I may have them a day without him here), keep the scheduled weekend visits in the summer and winter....and really, if she would allow him the visitation he was entitled to in the winter, he would have about the same amount of time.....and he would be able to be a consistant parent, not just this all or nothing parenting she is forcing upon him now.

I have felt too guilty to suggest this before, because I love the kids, and I miss them dearly after spending such an extensive amount of time mothering them.My parents are divorced, and I know from experince and from speaking with SS, he would prefer things this way too, but is scared to ask DH, because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings, and is more scared to ask BM because he knows she HATES the drive!!!! I guess I finally said, forget the guilt and do what is best for the family. DH felt hurt at first thinking I didn't want the kids here, but finally realized they were growing up and being away from home and friends wasn't what they wanted either!!! Besides, as greedy as this sounds....I am not responsible for them, or the assumed sitter when they are here. I am left to handle all the arrangements with his kids and my kids, and with the added stress of BM's claims, I am not willing to do so anymore.

I feel extremley guilty for saying all this, but I am only one person. Am I being selfish?

[topnotchdad]

I don't think you're being selfish at all.  I guess I have it lucky...SD is my only child, so I can devote all my time to her.  It makes me scared to have kids with my husband b/c I'm afraid that SD would resent them.

What ticks ME off is that really, if BF and BM were to really examine who spends the most time with SD doing activities, sports, school work, cooking meals, doing laundry, etc, it is ME.  That's what bothers me.  DH wants to file for full custody on the grounds that he's a better parent than PBFH (which he is) but really it's ME that's the one who makes him a better parent.  

I've come to accept that it just sucks to be a step parent.  You are expected fulfull all the responsibilties of a bio parent, but you don't get the rewards/credit for it that the bio parents do.  I had to declare a "Step-mother's Day" because I was so mad that PBFH got cards and gifts on mothers day when she never does anything with her kids, and I didn't get anything.  I really feel for you.  I bet there's a support group out there on the internet somewhere for women like us.

[wendl]

Welcome to being a stepmother.  I love the "They are not your kids and not your responsibility and NONE of your concern"""

Well lets see no they are not my kids, they are my stepkids and part of my family.  Yes, they are my responsibility as much as my child, I would not ignore one child just because they were not my biological one.  Any thing that concerns my dh is my concern as it affects my dh, myself and all the kids iinvovled.

Being a stepmom can be hell, but it also can be great.  I have a wonderful Stepmom, and she taught me a lot.  I treat my stepsons like I treat my own child. they are all just children and deserve love even if we would like to throw their mothers in a lake at times.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[dsbhde0707]

I totally feel you. BM does have the kids more, but when they are here dh's life doesn't change.....but mine is complete choas!!!! But, I have realized that wouldn't matter be step kids or bio kids....women get the short end of the stick when it comes to doing for the kids...but we also get the greatest bond with the kids, so I guess it evens out in the end.

DH went to speak to an attorney today he said contempt for her blocking vistation is a given, and he is going to examine all the email correspondence.....and see what else he can get her on.

[reellis527]

I don't think you are being selfish at all, I often feel the same way.  Significant others fail to realize the added stress kids bring.  Me and my fiance have three children, and when his daughter comes it's four.  His daughter stays with us every other Wednesday through Monday and fiance seems to never ever be home when his daughter is there.  When I say you need to stay home with her or find a sitter for her he flips out and thinks I am simply isolating her because she is not my own child.  That is not true at all, I believe he should spend the time he begged the courts for with his daughter.  Step daughter doesn't care for me to much and I believe it is because I am the one who disciplines her while daddy only sees her for short amounts of time and he is always playing with her.  She cries when he leaves and I try to explain hey you need to take her or do something with her.  Well with all of that said I love my SD absolutely whole heartedly to death but I should not be her sole provider.  I take care of her more than her mom, in two years her mother has not combined her hair once!, doesn't clip her nails, doesn't do anything.....

I can't wait until our visitation becomes every other weekend, there will be less stress and I won't have to worry about baby mother getting a free pass not to take care of her child.