More Drama.....

[dipper]

The other week, dh sent bm a letter requesting that she allow ss to complete a few hours of community service once a month on her time.  We really dont want him pulling much during the week because he is in school, has a curfew, and needs to do homework, etc.  Well, he is also playing football, so there is not much time during the week.    Bm called and had a fit, telling dh "You are the custodial parent and it is your responsibility!  You are not taking any of my time!"

Dh did tell her that she was going to have to give up some time, but he never said all weekend at any time.  She was to get ss that weekend, her providing transportation.  SS was ready and waiting -and she never showed!

Now, she was going out of town and picking up ss would have made her out of town trip a 6 hour trip....instead of the 1 1/2 from her home.  We did not even have service lined up for ss - he wasnt supposed to be here.

She is now claiming that dh told on the phone on Tuesday that she could not pick up ss that Friday.  The letter dh sent specifically requested a few hours..and also specified that he would like her agreement in writing.  DH also pointed out that this is court ordered and there will be no make-up time.  

how can there be?  SS has to do comm. svc. on our weekends as well!

Okay....so, she is saying she gets the next four weekends because dh owes her a make-up weekend.  She says this cannot be altered and she WILL get it.  then, she states that she will allow ss to do comm. service, but she will bring him on Sat for a few hours and she will pick him up afterward.

LOL..that is exactly what dh suggested in his letter!!!  She was the one saying no...but now its HER idea......

Our problem - she is definitely going to file a show cause.  DH is not giving her this weekend, we have plans.  She did not pick up ss, made no attempt to do so.  She says the judge told dh it is up to him to make sure she gets her time - that is to have ss available, not make her pick him up!!!

I am so frustrated.  I think this is part of her plan....filing contempts until she gets something against dh to help her out in a custody battle......you would think she won in court last time, and in her world she thinks so.......

Isnt there a way we can file harrassment against her if she files another false show cause?  She just filed one in August and was told she was wrong by the judge......................

[IceMountain]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you here.  As the custodial parent it is your responsibility to make sure your SS completes the court-ordered community service, unless it is specifically stated that it is a shared resp. between the CP and NCP.  I understand that the child is in school and has a curfew, but shouldn't the community service come before extra-curricular activities, like football?  The community service was ordered to teach the child valuable lessons in life.  If you let football get in the way of the community service, then what is he learning?  I understand that your SS has to complete the community service on the weekends he is with you, but, again as the CP it should be your responsibility to make sure it is completed.  

The NCP lives 1 1/2 hours round trip.  Did you offer to compensate her for her time and expenses?  Can SS do community service where NCP lives?  When you were the NCP, would you have been put out by the ex mandating or dictating what your SS did on the weekends he was with you?  Would you have expected some type of compromise in doing so?

I don't remember why your SS is doing community service, I just remember the burn incident so maybe I'm way off base here.  I just think if you look at this from the NCP's POV or what your POV would have been when you were NCP and saw SS only 4 days a month, you might see it in a different light.  I'm not saying NCP should not have any resp. in this, but maybe there are some compromises all around that can be reached.

How many hours of community service is to be completed?  How long does SS have to complete them?  Is he only doing the service on weekends?

[lucky]

Her ss is doing community service for crimes he committed while his mother had custody.

I disagree with you.  Since she allowed ss to run around and get in trouble, she SHOULD "lose" time with ss as part of HER consequences in not taking care of him as she is supposed to.

JMO

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[4honor]

BM is not paying guideline support to SS, so compensating her for her expenses is not a fair assessment.

They areally are trying to meet all the obligations placed on them by the criminal/juvenile  and family courts. BM is just so rage-blinded that a temporary reduction in "kicking it" time with the child is more of an issue than co-operating on getting his legal obligations completed.


Dipper, If she did not come to pick up SS, then she cannot say that the child was not available. It is a frivolous action and you need to request attorney's fees EVERY time she files them.

[skye]

it is my opinion that she is looking to make you do some driving as well from what I am reading....whether she is paying support or not you can be made to drive 1/2 way...or pay expenses ...or drive one way (ie parent starting parenting time pick up at other parents location)

As far as the Community service..yes she should be made to help given the situation...but isnt that one of the reasons DH got custody ( her letting him run around and get into trouble) is it worth the fight...

as for the 4 weekends in a row...I am not understanding something she lost one weekend ...lets just say she misunderstood...after all she does live in her own world..and I have one just like this to deal with...but wouldnt that be 3 weekends in a row? anyway if you have plans this weekend...why not have DH send something like this ...

Dear....
I have recieved your request for 4 weekends in a row, while I understand you lost a weekend due to a misunderstanding of my request for a few hours, I made plans for the weekend of **-** , however I would be willing to accomidate your request on the weekends of **-** (list all weekends)
if this is unworkable due to your schedule please send me a list of at least 6 weekends that work for you and I will check them with my schedule, and give you the 4 weekends you request based on what can work for both schedules"
sincerely
***


its at a point where like it or not you have to pick the battles that are worth fighting...and you have to find a way to not let it eat you up inside...it took me a long time to get to that point...

[IceMountain]

Like I said in my post, I didn't know the circumstances involving the community service.  If mom was the CP when the child got into trouble and was not properly supervising him, then.. yeah... she needs to bear some of the responsibility in helping to accomplish the task at hand.

However, I still stand by my statement that the community service was ordered to make the child understand that their are consequences to his behavior, and should come before football or other extra-curricular activities.  This child needs to learn the hard knocks of life before he is 18 and is left to make his own choices.  There is a lesson for this child to learn, let's not forget that.

Dipper, I do empathize with you... I know it's been a long and frustrating road for you to follow.  The more you can teach your SS now, the less bumpy that road will be for him as an adult.

just my 2 cents.

[dipper]

SS is in football, at least for now.......the po approved that.  We had not wanted him to do evenings comm. svc. because there is little time between school letting out and his curfew ending.  Plus, while I have no problem in helping it would be used against dh if 'I' were the one taking ss to do his service.  As is, dh is totally responsible for this.

Also, dh did tell her on the phone that she would have to give up some time....but, that was just fussing between them after she threw a gasket at his 'request' that she allow a few hours once a month.  He knew that he could not enforce that.......that is why he simply requested that she allow it in his letter.  he also never said that she could not have ss that weekend.

She is the one always saying they have to share responsibility- as long as that means dh giving up time or money.   Her part in ss' wrongdoings are this - she forced him legally to live with her in an environment that was vastly different from any he knew, she made the sole decision to remove him from adhd meds, refused to have him in counseling though we requested, and she never disciplined him (unless it was that he couldnt call dh)......She also signed for him to have  a laptop through the school, which personally I knew was a ticking time bomb...and here we are $500 in restitution debt later.......


As for the visitation, she gets three weekends per month court ordered.  That only gives us one weekend per month...and Nov and Dec are holiday months...meaning probably no weekend work.  

She stated that she is getting Sept 8th, 15th, 22nd, and the 29th.......saying dh owes her a weekend when she did not pick ss up - saying dh refused.

DH is trying to get ss in as much as possible.  In two weeks, with labor day work included, ss has put in 17 hours.   He is almost at his halfway mark already....He definitely knows he is being punished.  Instead of having fun, he worked all last weekend - except for Sunday.  Neither place will allow Sunday work....

Anyway, I understand all veiw points...even Ice :) ........

AS for the travelling, bm wanted dh to provide more transportation a few months ago - back when she did 2/3 when she had custody.  Said it cost too much for her.......now dh has custody and the 2/3 responsibility.  She will drive here for anything now....hasnt provided transportation since July 4th, but has came down here numerous times.
 

[dipper]

tonight, while setting in the living room, my oldest was handing me some school papers to sign - and they had to be passed to me....she gave them to ss and he handed them to my youngest who was not paying attention, and ss said, "Pass these to mom."  

I was really surprised-  he has never called me that before.  My youngest was shocked and was like - who?...ss I think got a little selfconscious then, and he said - who is the mom around here?

He may not do it again...and it doesnt bother me.  Either way is fine, I nor dh has ever asked this of him.  Never mentioned it......

I think ss is questioning now.  He kept thinking last Thursday she would call since she was supposed to come to the po the next day...but she didnt.

then he thought she would want him to spend the weekend with him, but she didnt even ask.  Now, had i drove 2 hours one way, I probably would have asked my ex if I coudl at least take my child out to eat or something.....but, there was no attempt at all.....

I think ss is questioning why his mom isnt making more contact.  She had started spending a lot of time with her neighbor's son ( the neighbor she was dating) before ss moved out.