HELP Please

[cjsmommy]

Ok so DH and I have been together 4 years..since SS10 and SS7 were 3 and 6...DH wasw long divorced. Well when I was introduced we all got along everything was great. Fast Forward - a year later we move to NC. We still managed to make visits for 3-4 days at a time monthly. Well as some of you know we moved back about 2 months ago and it has been h$ll! I am at a loss. BM first started by telling them that now that we have DS (1 yr) I dont like them blah blah blah...so I sat the oldest down and explained to him that although we are a new family we are still a family and that I love them all equally- that when I married DH they were part of what I married. I also told them that I would never in any way shape or form try and replace their mother and that I would never ask more from them than to respect me and I would do the same. Now SS7 is fine - he just yeses his brother but loves being with us etc. SS10 is outright rude - but I understand he is confused. He asked why his mom would say things that werent true and I told him because sometimes in other families it is true but that ours is different. So we agreed - you respect me and I respect you.

Fast Forward - this past sunday is the first day SS10 and SS7 were at our new house. They had a great time..we have 2 dogs and I was a bit worried but even they conceded that the dogs were cool since they dont have a dog at their moms house. Well SS10 decided to tell BM that the one dog bit him blah blah blah - well my DHs parents had SSs last night - there is no bite it was just dramatics. ANYWAY we are dropping the boys off at home and when SS10 got out of the car DH got out to hug them and SS10 says "Just so you know I spilled a bottle of apple juice and ground pretzels into the back seat of your car and what are you going to do - ground me????" and walks off.

Well DH didn't tell me until about 10 min later. SO needless to say I AM LIVID. 2 reasons - 1 WTF??? this is MY brand new car and 2. I thought we had an agreement - RESPECT right? Wrong?

I am shaking I am so UPSET. SOoooooooo then DS falls asleep in the car and we take him out and get him changed for bed and he has the start of "fingerprint bruises" on his legs. Now I knw they weren't there before we left grandparents bc I changed his diaper before we left. And now when I think back DS was screaming on the way home but I just thought he was tired...but SS7 kept saying stop to SS10 but I didn't know why. well now my mind is racing - Was SS10 pinching my DS on the way home??????? I understand kids get bruised and picked on by their siblings but I am at a loss.

Am I nuts? Am I a bad SM because I cringe at the thought of seeing them Friday? But if I dont attend these visits it confirms in the SSs minds that I dont like them - it is a vicious cycle.

On top of all this when DH picked them up tonight they told him that their mom said that DH abandoned them and tried to give them up for adoption. NOT TRUE! AGHHHHHHHHH...She is filling their heads and it is taking a HUGE toll on our family...ASIDE from that I now live in Philly where it is 30 degrees out right now and I have to figure out a way to get apple juice from the seats and rugs!

Thanks for reading - I hope someone has something they can offer to calm me down. I have no idea where to go from here.

UPDATE***********

Yesterday we had our Friday visit with the boys. When DH walked in he shared with me that SS10 had placed a nail in the front passenger tire of our vehicle last sunday. Both children shared with us that their mother had encouraged them to do it. In addition SS10 pulled a baby bottle full of milk and indicated that they had planned to spill the milk in our car. However DH borrowed my MIL's car when picking the boys up that evening out of fear they would do something. SS10 told DH that he told his BM what he had done with the apple juice and she gave him a big hug and told him he could have anything he wanted for breakfast the following day. AGH! So today I went to the local police and filed a complaint but they basically told me they couldnt really do anything! So now I have to replace (where the nail is in the one car cannot be patched) the tire and incur these costs...in addition to living in fear! Monday we will call our atty again and urge to have another hearing but this system up here is so screwed up who knows!

Can anyone offer any suggestions - I am really at a loss!  This is still all new to me - even 4 years later

[wysiwyg]

Perhaps you need to think aobut getting the kids (and I imagine it would have to be court ordered) into therapy.  If something is not done you are looking at a potential problem in that someone is molding the child into a juv delinquent.  If younger brother is a yes man and follows in his older brothers footsteps you are setting up not only your family but those 2 to be bigger problems in the future.  They need help, they need guidance of a therapist to help them make smart decisions and not do something vindictive and hurtful.  When something oversteps to cause harm as it has to your cars, and you suspect with the baby, then it is time to intervene and put your foot down.  I bet that BM will not help, adn the only way you can perhaps get help is to petition the court for intervention and therapy for the kids, before something happens to you, your child the dogs or the house.  I would suggest you run this by Soc, just be sure to follow his guidelines and ask him for his guidance in this matter.

[CGS]

First of all everyone involved needs to get into family counseling asap.  Even if it's not all together. You and your dh could go together, then the boys, then bm (if she'll agree, otherwise just the rest of you).  If you don't have authority to take the boys to counseling w/out her approval, talk to the school. At their ages, they are old enough to be in a school with a guidance counselor, and as a parent your dh can request regular appointments.  You need someone else to document their destructive behavior and comments.

Secondly, because of his behavior with the juice, ss is no longer allowed to have food or beverages outside of the kitchen.  If he's hungry/thirsty, great have whatever you like.. but sit at the table until he can regain your trust to respect you and your things.  

As for your ds, that is certainly a scary thought, that he would actually harm his younger brother just to be mean to you.  Don't jump to conclusions, and don't be accusatory just yeat, or you'll play right in to his mother alienating.  I would go to Walmart, but a backseat mirror (they're just a few $$ and clip on to your rear view mirror.)  If ss says anything.. just let him know its a way to keep an eye on him because of his behavior w/ the juice last time, and it will be removed when he regains your trust and begins respecting you again.  

If you have any other reason to fear the safety of your child, hire a sitter to stay w/ him when you cannot supervise them together 100%. For example, have a neighborhood teenager come to your house while you are taking the ss' home, etc.  

Remove the temptations to be mean and destructive and keep reinforcing that you all love them and even if they are angry, they must show respect.

Good luck.

[notnew]

Is the new car  your only one? If not, use the other one (or the oldest one you've got).

Also, new rules: your pockets must be emptied, no bags, cd players, games, anything while riding in the car. Everything must go into the trunk where you cannot reach it little baby boy.

If BM says anything - DH needs to remind her that while the kids are with him, they are under his care and control, not hers. Her rules don't apply here.

Regarding the abuse of the baby. DH needs to speak with the kid alone about the issue and let him know it will not be tolerated period. Next time it happens, it needs to be reported. This is sick and that kid needs help no matter who is putting the ideas into his head, he is acting them out. 10 years old is old enough to know it is wrong.

Keep a log of everything that is happening. They are legal and can be submitted for evidence. If this continues, need to go into court and require BM to attend counseling due to her actions that are NOT in the best interest of the children.

The rules of behavior for the 10yo need to be spelled out and strict. He has crossed the line. You don't get respect until you give it and he has not earned one bit of respect from either of you.

You have every right to be upset and demand this be addressed pronto.

good luck, sounds like you have a hard road ahead.

[4honor]

We live 3 hours south of SS. BM has alienated SS from our family for years. SS is 7 years older than DS1 and DS2 (ages 9 and 8 respectively.)

For years BM has told SS that DS1 and DS2 (as well as DH and I) were not his REAL family. He was bribed every time he got disciplined here for harming his little brothers or tormenting them.

A year ago, SS was convicted of Child rape in the first degree. He victimized my two little boys for almost 2 years before we discovered it. His excuse for why it was not wrong? "They aren't real anyway."

We are the worst case scenario. We have kicked ourselves many times for not seeing this coming. We blame ourselves for not MAKING SS continue in counseling. The lack of $$ and the distance was not really an insurmountable obstacle. We thought so at the time, but if we had another chance we would find a way to make it work, even on an EOW schedule and with significant interference from BM.

At age 9 SS was showing significant angst for DS1 and DS2. He has threatened to call CPS when he was punished for taking a stick and beating DS1 with it.  We have had to enforce a strict "my house my rules" position with SS for years. We also warned SS that if he ever called CPS and alleged abuse, they WOULD find some when they showed up. The fear of it was enough for a while.

Do whatever it takes to get family counseling. Buy and carry a tape recorder and catch SS saying these things. It might be enough to get counseling COURT ordered. Start looking for a counselor now. Take the boys if you can get an appointment.

Don't let this escalate. Your baby may be at risk. DS1 has been choked, stabbed, beaten and raped before the age of 8. DS2 has been punched in the head, struck in the back/spine, attempted smothered in his sleep, and raped, all before the age of 6.  We should have seen it, but the kids didn't tell. And as you have found, all that yelling seems normal for siblings interacting.

Now SS has zero contact with DS1 and DS2. He spends no time with any of his cousins. He is still on probation with jail time hanging over his head if he does not complete sex offender treatment. DH has his parenting time separate from the younger kids. That may be necessary in your case for the safety of the baby.

[Sunshine1]

Or does this kid deserve a slap?  Oldest step son decided to play both parents and lie one time telling BM that he hated soccer and that he didn't want to go and told Dad he loved soccer and couldn't believe his BM wouldn't take him.  So right before the visit with his BM, DH asked SS is this really what you want to do?  He begged Dh to come and get him.  Well we did and DH almost went to jail over it.
Seems earlier in the morning SS made a statement to the Sheriff that his Dad pushed him into soccer and that he didn't want to go and his BM had a birthday party planned for him, yada yada, yada.  After being thrown in the back of squad car for sticking up for his son...SS confessed his BM told him to say it ALL.

That child got  the book thrown at him.  We made it VERY clear that lieing would not be tolerated in any shape or form and if he/they ever pulled any crap like that again they would get it.

Also if they were sent to do anything bad after visiting their BM that they were to tell us immediately, there would be less to no punishment for a truth teller than there would be for liars..liars are sacrificed!  LOL.

Needless to say they have for the most part been extremely truthful, they have never pulled a stunt like that again thank GOD!  They are just now 10 & 9.  I can only imagine if they did not live with us what little nightmares they would be.  One single weekend with their BM is hell on earth sometimes.

I would have made that little turd clean up the mess.  I would have marched his little ass back to the car and made him clean it up, and when the cops came I would have told them WHY you are making him clean it up....and I doubt that they would have made him stop until he was done.

Nail in tire...he does chores to recover the cost of that fun.

Baby bottle...he cleans the diaper pail and washes baby bottles for the next 2 weekends..

Get the picture?  DO NOT reward this behavior.  He will learn shortly that it ain't gonna fly in your house and it certainly ain't  that fun to be bad.

And counseling....everything everyone else said... good idea, especially court ordering mom to counseling for her behavior.

[williaer]

While not nearly as extreme as other people's stories- we did go through a lot of behaviors with SD- doing the back and forth game "I hate basketball" to BM " I love basketball" to DH....telling her mom that she hates me and that I am mean to her and getting to our house and drawing pictures and being lovey dovey- so I just laid it on the line to her.....don't ask me for anything- don't tell me anything about your life...don't wonder if I care, I don't...etc,etc,...all of this while crying and telling her what a punk she was for badmouthing us to BM. Miraculously- it has almost stopped. I wonder if sometimes you don't just have to treat them like the "grown-up's" that they try to be....then they see it's no fun to have roomates instead of parents. Good luck and watch him like a hawk. Quite frankly- I would not participate in the visits and let him know that you don't care about his feelings until he wants to act like he's a part of the family.