Your thoughts on Cellphone and email

[Ref]

Can BM refuse to allow DH communicate with SD on SD's cell? He has put $ on the prepaid phone but BM still doesn't want him to contact Sd. He only calls/texts when SD is traveling from Florida to PA or back. BM left a message on his cellphone saying that she intentionally changed sd's # to keep him from knowing it.

The judge ordered that DH & PBFH communicate through email. BM sent an email saying that she is only willing to check hers every week or every other week. Can she do this?

Any advice? I really can think of anyway to deal with this stuff. 850 days to go!!!!

Ref

[CGS]

If SD gave him the #, she obviously wants to talk to him.  If I were in your shoes, I would ignore bm's antics on this one.  If you or your dh needs to call sd, you could dial *67 before her number and it will show up restricted on her phone an on the bill.. so bm will have no way of knowing unless sd tells her.  

As for the text messaging.. if sd is not opposed to it, I would ignore bm on this too.  If it's not so often as to cause a big increase in the phone's bill, I wouldn't even respond to bm.  

If I were in your shoes, I wouldnt even respond to bm regarding sd's phone.  Whenever my x says something stupid.. I ignore it. I don't argue, I don't try to prove that it's stupid, I just file it away in the 'future court' file, and ignore it entirely.

As for bm not checking her email, if it is really crucial that she check it more frequently than weekly, I would email her as such and explain why (ie: matters you are emailing about are time sensitive and require a reply in x days, etc etc) If she refuses to comply, write another letter, and cc a hard copy to the court file (I've been through 2 different court jurisdictions, one allowed this and one didn't, but its worth a shot if you have a friendly court clerk)

If it's not really that big of a deal and is more bm trying to exert control over the situation.. ignore her entirely and do not respond to yet another "stupid" remark.  

As childish as it sounds.. I really had to define for myself what constitutes stupidity and what is valid, and where the line between them lies.  When x crosses into stupidity, I do not reply in any manner.  If the issue is that important to x, they'll reword it to get the point across.. if not, I continue to ignore them.

I didn't tell x I was doing this, and it took about a year for them to catch on.. but eventually they realized that I ignore anything stupid on their part.  It was a bit time consuming and I had to swallow quite a bit of bull, but eventually my little behavior modification worked.  

Since you only have 2 years left, it may not work as well with them bm you deal with, but it's worth a shot and it could help preserve your sanity.

[gemini3]

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[MixedBag]

It doesn't matter what our thoughts are, you're dealing with a witch who is determined to undermine the daughter's relationship with her father in any way she can.

I think you two were LUCKY she got on a plane and came to you given all the BS that you put up with long distance.

you've got a little over 2 years to go...keep teaching her right from wrong.  She ain't getting it at the other place.

Cell phones -- pet peeve of mine, sorta.  Mainly because every incoming and outgoing call costs ME  money -- and I liken it to giving someone access to my credit card and "spend freely".  

Kids don't usually have a concept of when their minutes are used up, so mine didn't get one until after they were 18.  (Now, MD convinced her OD to sign for her -- and I said "Careful, I'm not bailing her out!) and so far no problem.  Heck SS just gave his dad a few heart attacks over the cell bill.

Reaching the child on the other end and using a cell phone -- I worry more about the child (or the other parent) taking the phone and running up my bill.....than anything else.

Dad bought a pre-paid phone for the main purposes of travelling.  You two know what Mom's response is....so the carful balance becomes buying the minimum cheapest phone and EXPECT it to get thrown away when she gets there.  You explain that there is nothing you two can do about it, but you feel more comfortable providing one for while she is travelling.

I choose to provide toll-free numbers that ring back to my home and straight into my cell for the same purpose.  Works like a charm on any day for the kids.  Now reaching my son, I accept that it's a game the other end plays.  Heck, played it again tonight.  They have Caller ID and I've said "If you can't be polite and don't want to talk to me, let our son answer the phone."  But tonight, SHE answered -- and then with that wonderful tone in her voice said something like "I didn't pay attention to caller ID to let you answer the phone."  She's only pushing our son more and more away from her when she does this -- but she reads these boards, PRINTS my posts, and just doesn't get it.

If you want the name of the company who set it up for me, send me a PM and I'll get it to you.  5 cents a minute!!!

[mistoffolees]

>Cell phones -- pet peeve of mine, sorta.  Mainly because every
>incoming and outgoing call costs ME  money -- and I liken it
>to giving someone access to my credit card and "spend freely".
>

True, but there's a huge advantage - you can talk to your kid when the other parent isn't around (which may not be possible with a home phone).

My temporary custody agreement says we have unlimited access by phone and it's only been a problem once (stbx said "you can't talk to your daughter until you give me more money" - but I've put a stop to that). If it were a problem (and if my daughter were a bit older), I wouldn't hesitate for a minute to get her a cell phone - perhaps one of those ones that only calls the numbers you program into it).

[Ref]

I think you guys are right. It is so hard not to point out how absolutely insane she is but she hasn't gotten it over the past 13 years, she's not gunna get it now.

Dh may top-off SD's cell for a minimal amount and send BM a copy of the top-up notice and let her know he is on top of making sure that it wont cost her anything for him to call or text. I know it isn't the point, but she did claim it was because the $2/year is such a burden on her.

I will be so excited when this is over.

Mixed, you are right about being lucky that SD got on the plane at all. I can explain what is going on in her head. I think besides Dh being such a great dad and trying so hard to be right in front of SD as much as he possibly can, Bm is just so nuts that SD is actually slowly (very slowly) figuring it out. Funny. SD's big thing this trip was trying to convince me that BM was the favorite mom of all of her friends and that she is so cool that she hangs with them. Yuck! I just said "oh! thats nice" - not very convincingly.

Thanks again,
Ref

[MixedBag]

While I agree with most of what you're saying, a vindictive EX will STILL do anything they can to stop it.

DH's EX would probably throw the package away when it arrives (which is what she did for 3 years with their Christmas presents or they came back in the mail refused.)

If Dad managed to get them a cell phone, I'd be sure that they would get taken away as soon as she figured it out.

Heck, I believe my EX would do the same.

They want to be in CONTROL and that's the main problem.

That's why I set up the toll free numbers the kids all know and can use.

[mistoffolees]

Yep, if the situation is as bad as yours, the toll free number might work better. The only problem is that it only works one way - you can't use it to call the kids unless the ex allows them to answer the home phone.

I hope my situation never gets that bad, but if it did, I'd certainly go back to the court to get regular phone contact allowed.

[Ref]

States that both parents may call the kid once a day between certain hours unless there is an emergency. The child may call either parent whenever they wish. Long distance charges are to be paid by the parent who initiates the call.

That is what the agreement says. BM initially stated that she could not afford to have SD call very often and she limited the calls on that justification. Dh would call her instead so that he could talk to SD. Finally, DH and I got an 800# and have kept that number for 9 years. It is the only # SD has memorized for our home.  BM nevet pays when SD calls Dh. DH pays when SD calls here and he pays when he calls there and when SD calls Bm from here.

At this point, DH doesn't care about paying for the 800#. Sd used to call almost every day. She would talk for hours. Now we get low usage charges because SD will not call at all some months. I guess it is part of the PAS and part becoming a teenager.

When SD was little and DH and BM would get in a fight Bm used to take the phone off the hook for days. She would pick it up and if she heard his voice, she would hang up the phone and then take it off the hook or out of the wall. She taught Sd it was ok to screen Dh's calls but if she calls here for her and SD doesn't respond in an hour, BM flips out.

Honestly, at this point there is nothing left to do. BM will never change. SD is going to be messed up until she leaves her mom's home. And no matter how great and nice and fair we are, everything we do will be twisted into some sort of cross that BM nails herself to. I guess we can suck it up for the next 848 days.

BTW- DH and I are planning a party and a trip in about 848 days and it aint a B-day party for SD.

Thanks for your help.,
Ref

[MixedBag]

I have one to call my son -- just used it tonight.

i have second one for my son to call me at home.


I have a third one for my son to call my cell.

If the parent wants to interfere, they will.

But son can call from ANY phone to me between the two numbers.  He doesn't need to ask permission to make a long distance phone call because I pay for it.