Dad visits with only one Child

[maggiealone]

First time posting:  My ex-husband and I have two children.  One was born well we were married.  One was born after.  He has never visited with the second child.  Several years ago my current husband adopted her.  She is now 10 and wants to talk with and visit with her biological father.  He calls our home and talks to her brother and visits with him occansionally.  I mentioned this to my ex and he said he would get back to me.  As usual, he has never gotten back to me.  Our daughter wants to talk to him next time he calls.  Do I just put her on the phone?  I am concerened about the impact his rejection might cause her.  My ex tends to be very inconsistant with visitation.  He lies to our son and is mean.  I am also concerned about the impact a relationship with her will cause in her life.  HELP!  Does anyone have any suggestions.  Thanks
Maggiealone

[HelpingHands]

My advice would be to set your daughter(and son) up for counseling. She can talk to the counselor about her expectations of her father, develop a plan and have a safety net in place when and if the father does reject her.
If the father doesn't reject her, she should still have access to the counselor because the father may not be what she's envisioned and if he's actually causing emotional stress for your son, he may very well do the same for your daughter.

Once her feelings are validated through working with the counselor and she hears an unobjective third party's views on the situation, she may not want to pursue the relationship at this time. Or she may want to have a sounding board for the newly formed relationship.

I'd reccomend a counselor who has experience in this area.

[wysiwyg]

OK I have a question, if your ex is involved with your son & daughter, how did your curent husband adopt only the one?  I am curious as to how the impact was on your son to not be a part of the adoption and your daughter to be adopted and either signed away by her BF or ignored by him in order for the adoption to go through.

MY thought is that both kids might be harboring some issues that need dealt with, just my 2 cents.

[Genie]

that is why her husband adopted the daughter. Her X obviously consented b/c he wants nothing to do with her.

I wouldn't spring anything on X.  His reaction to being put on the spot or the stupid things people say in that situation could be horrible for D.

[wysiwyg]

thats exactly my point, how do adopt one child and not the other and tell the kids that BF does/does not want one or the other?  My three were adopted by my current DH and we had to go thru court and interviews with social workers etc.  I am just trying to understand how the BF gave up one but not the other without some type of repercussions on each child.  I would think each child would bear both good and bad feelings about the adoption or no adoption,  but each childs feelings and attitudes would be opposite of the other.  

[mistoffolees]

Seems rather odd - like there's something else going on. Is he claiming the daughter isn't his, perhaps, or is he simply not interested in having a daughter? This might change your response.

Personally, I'd keep the door open, but not force the issue. I could imagine that putting your daughter on the phone and having him tell her to get lost (which sounds like a possible scenario) would be worse than not putting her on the phone at all.

Make sure she realizes it's nothing she's done and just her father's problem. Counseling would probably be appropriate.